Having met Rachelswipe,
she IS an attractive young lady with a downright filthy and rather depraved sense of humour.

A secret? Hardly! Guilty? No comment...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:55, Reply)

K2
Haha, I was singing along to the Stone Roses this morning on my way in, at full volume and with full gusto steering wheel drumming.

I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the white van driver behind me pointing straight at me and saying "what a cunt" to his passenger.

Now, I can't normally lip read, but that doesn't take much in the way of skill to work out.

I stopped :(
( Kroney, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Bugger - I am now humming "Reach"
but while driving alone I tend to sing along to whatever comes on the iPod/radio/whatever if it's a good song.

Which is fine, but when stuck in traffic I sometimes see furtive glances in mirrors from the drivers in front, followed by shaking of shoulders in mirth.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:42, Reply)

Demographics
Every time I hear of something horrid happening to people I went to school with I smile a bit. Statistically it lowers the chance of something similar happening to me. I presume this makes me a bad person and i am on the highway to hull.

Length? You wouldn't like it on your nose for a wart.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:42, Reply)

K2K6
"Reach" will be forever associated in my mind with the Phoenix Nights family fun day and the giant inflatable cock, reason enough to love it, I'd say.

On topic, I once shagged my brother's girlfriend in my parents' bed whilst he was passed out in front of the telly downstairs. I realise this is YET ANOTHER one of these bloody tales, but there's a postscript. In the spirit of the QOTW I was having a 'what's the worst thing you've ever done' discussion with my (pretty new) girlfriend last night and confessed to the above. She was disgusted (and fair enough) and now I am single again.

Ah well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:36, Reply)

Speaking of Shakin' Stevens
I once heard of a Shaky tribute act called Stationary Stevens.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:35, Reply)

Nicola
Ah, that's her name is it? It will help with my stalkings.

The main reason I fancy her is that she has got the perfect arse. Rawr.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:34, Reply)

My first record purchases
Shakin' Stevens and Bucks Fizz.

And I believe I once tugged myself lame to the "I should be so lucky" video - the bit where Kylie's in a convertible and raises her arms above her head and you can just make out her nipples was the money shot.
(frankspencer, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:33, Reply)

Chicken lady
The guilty secrets dont have to be funny - just true. I feel that this this qotw can be used to vent ones guilty secrets in a hope that one will somehow feel better.

It's cathartic

Plus I like the sound of my own voice.
( girlinthehole, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:32, Reply)

T'Pau
in turn has reminded me that there's a car driving around these parts with the registration number T 9 PAU.

Whoever drives that should be feeling a bit guilty for being a sad git.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:30, Reply)

I bought Sporty Spice's first solo album
...and I actually still like several tracks on it.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:27, Reply)

T'pau
k2k6 has just reminded me of another shameful episode, I bought the T'Pau album because I fancied the pants off Carol Decker! Met her years later in Newport, still bloody lovely.
by the way on band members everyone else tought were "the ugly one" I always like Sporty Spice, she looked flexible and filthy, lethal combo!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:24, Reply)

hmmm
definitely the latter

(getting down with your bad self: love that phrase)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:20, Reply)

Vipros
Is that because they are so complex and work on many different levels?

Or because they help you get down with your bad self?
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:19, Reply)

The story about the sock reminded me of this one
My preferred method of beating off when younger involved an old T-shirt and a Gallery magazine (the US version of Razzle I believe.) I kept the shirt and mag in a drawer under my bed. Eventually the shirt could stand up by itself so I moved on to the next eldest shirt.

After about 2 years I was out of fresh shirts and room in the wank drawer. The smell was getting out of control too. One day while my parents were out shopping I brought my cum wipes down to the washing machine. Just as I had finished putting the load in my Mom entered the garage. As she did all my laundry she was curious what I was washing. It went something like;

"What are you washing? You have the colors mixed with the whites. Here, let me... What the... It looks like... Have you been beating off in these shirts?"

The red crimson on my face must have spoke a thousand words because she didn't feel the need to communicate with me for a week.

Length was about the same, though it's a bit wider now.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:19, Reply)

but....
I like the lyrics too...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:15, Reply)

i don't do girls (sorry chickenlady, me too!)
but if i did, it would be the ginger one from girls aloud.

and "don't stop moving" was recently voted the perfect pop song by some music award or other.

my head is full of random crap like this. i secretly love pub quiz machines and trivial pursuit. sorry...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:15, Reply)

"Don't stop moving"
The reason it's a good tune is that it's a plagiarised version of Billie Jean by world famous kiddy fiddler (allegedly) Wacko Jacko.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:14, Reply)

S Club 7
Actually, I prefer "Reach". It's cheerier.

And I think you'll find it's Nicola Roberts, from Girls Aloud. Don't fancy her much though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:13, Reply)

S Club 7
ok, you've dragged it out of me

I truthfully think (in my capacity as a musician) that "Don't stop moving" is a well-crafted song and I get great pleasure from listening to it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:11, Reply)

Girls Aloud
I believe the much derided ginger one is called Nicola, or as she's otherwise known, the ginger one.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:11, Reply)

Kroney's CDs
Hey, there's nowt wrong with S Club. Is there? Rachel Stevens makes it all good.... (Edit: Yes, and Tina too. And Hannah. And the other one, although she's a bit of a chav)

On a related topic, a mate of mine once bought Debbie Gibson's album (remember her?) because there was a nice photo of her on the cover and he fancied her. Fair enough.

Only thing is, he didn't buy the 12" vinyl. He bought the cassette. The picture was all of half an inch tall!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:10, Reply)

Speaking of Girls Aloud
I fancy the ginger one.

I always seem to like the one that everyone else thinks is a minger. As well as the ginger one from GA, I also fancied Tina out of S Club, Billie Piper AND the horse faced bird off Steps.

In each and every case, I have been utterly convinced that they were all far, far filthier than the others and totally up for it.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:09, Reply)

Biology
A couple of years ago I defied excruciating back pain (due to a trapped nerve) to go to a free local radio station show in Brum with my then girlfriend. We went specifically to see... ahem, Girls Aloud.

The standing around on a cold evening amongst the kids and the fair ground wasn't the real shame, that lay in the fact that I was disappointed with the show, for three reasons -

1. They only played for half an hour
2. The choice of songs
3. Only four of them were there, the blonde one* was ill

I was 28 at the time.

*I actually know the real names of all of them *hangs head in shame* Anyway, I liked them when no-one else did, before they sold out and went all commercial (he lies).
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Re: Breaking the environment.



A mate and I got a really crappy job from a marketing company. We were to stand at various roadside points and count cars for several hours a day. This was for data to show the best spots for advertising hoardings.

Anyway Euro 1996 was on at the time so, instead of standing on a baking footpath, breathing in exhaust fumes and getting hassled by chavs, we fucked off back to my house for beer, pizza and footie. We did our counting in comfort, ticking for passes made, attempts on goal, fouls etc and passed them off as different types of vehicle. I then entered the data on a spreadsheet, copied it to a floppy and brought it into the office at the end of each week. Nobody asked us any awkward questions so we were in the clear.

Imagine our mirth a couple of months later when we passed an advertising hoarding, at one of our counting spots, bearing the legend RESEARCH PROVES THAT ADVERTISING WITH US WORKS!
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Despite Catholicism I'm not guilty
Having read the posts on here (true or otherwise) I can only conclude that I don't suffer from guilt.
I could post stories of torrid affairs (possibly untrue).
Or the tale of a journey I took which resulted in me going to bed with a man I'd only met 30 minutes previously.
Or how I used a serious illness to ensure I got through university finals without failing, despite not having done any work.

But firstly I don't feel any guilt about any of these things as they didn't hurt anyone.

Secondly, and perhaps this is my guilty secret....they're just not that funny.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the true secret of a good QOTW post - doesn't matter if it's true or a load of bollocks, just make it FUNNY!

Apologies for length, etc, etc, now move along, nothing to see here.

*BTW just to wade into the Rachelswipe thing - I've heard she's gorgeous and up for it...if I was that way inclined I would ;-)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:03, Reply)

Worst CD I own
S Club 7 and S Club Party.

I also have a Billie Piper single, but I only bought that because it has a poster in it.

So that's alright then.
( Kroney, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 10:02, Reply)

Jeccy reminds me...
I harbour a secret desire to punch Dan Corbett, and tell him to stop being such an utter twat. His ridiculous gesticulations and over-exaggerated enthusiasm REALLY grates with me. Far more annoying than that Derek bloke. It's a "secret" desire because for some bizzare reason, my flatmates like him.


"Hello, I'm a cunt."
(d371ght back again since, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 9:38, Reply)

Oh dear, Legless
I know of some people in the human trafficking business if you should wish to make an illicit getaway to avoid Rachelswipe's wrath!

I knew it wasn't rswipe anyway. She's not blonde....

[hunts for passport]

Edit: I'm now feeling guilty about the above joke and wish to make it clear that rachelswipe is, according to the photos I've seen, actually a very attractive young lady. And with luck she won't sue me now.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 9:38, Reply)

i have just called
the australian high commission and told them never ever to let legless in.

THAT IS NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear god. please confirm that you will accept service of defamation proceedings at your gaz inbox right. now.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 9:31, Reply)