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Catch21 says "I go out of my way to make life hell for my shitty middle-class housemates who go running to the landlord every time I break wind". Weird housemates are the gift that keep on giving - tell us about yours.

(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:28)
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The Mysterious World of Kit-Kat
Back when I was at Uni, a Chinese exchange student named Kit-Kat (seriously), moved into the house for the last semester.

We never saw him.


Strangest thing was, he didn't seem to use the bathroom. Ever. He'd come back from his lectures and shoot up to his room, firmly locking the door behind him.

Winter and spring rolls by and one day we wake up from a heavy session at the pub the night before to discover Kit-Kat has fucked off. He moved out without even letting us know. It was only because the door to his room was open that we knew he'd gone, we'd never seen the door open. Not in all the time he was living with us.

Being nosy bastards, my housemates and I ventured into the unknown world of Kit-Kat's room.

The first thing that hit you was the smell. It was like rancid, decaying flesh and shit. And the carpet crunched underfoot. How the fuck do you make a carpet crunchy, for fucks sake?

"This is fucked up," said my mate Blackpool Ben.

I opened the wardrobe. "Fuck ME!!!"

It was stacked floor to ceiling with two litre coke bottles.

Full of piss.

There must've been enough piss to fill a swimming pool in that wardrobe.

And there were flies, swarming over the bottles, desperate - so it seemed - to find a way inside.

At about the same time my other housemate Betty (a bloke, but we called him Betty for some unknown reason) said: "Spanky, you are not gonna fucking believe this..."

Betty was standing over the dresser, he'd opened the first drawer. More flies. Bigger, angrier, faster, buzzier...

I sort of knew what he'd found already, you could tell by the sudden even stronger stentch that assailed the room.

"Shit," said Betty. "Bags of shit."

He opened the next drawer down. More shit. There was a change in the bottom drawer though, this one only had used shit roll, compressed into a drawer-sized brick. Streaky and matted with hair. And more fucking flies. And tiny pure white maggots. Lots of um, weaving about and having a fucking rave.

Blackpool Ben opened the curtains. Light flooded in and we flipped. Now we could see why the carpet was crunchy. It was covered, and I mean COVERED, in a thin film of crusty snot and/or semen in huge fucking random patches. The green carpet resembled a field after the first fall of winter snow, only with snot and cum instead.

The three of us ran like fuck, slamming the door closed behind us.

"Bang goes his deposit," I said, and the others tended to agree.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:57, 26 replies)
Now I want a Kit-kat.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:00, closed)
thats odd because
after reading that I never want another one as long as I live
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:01, closed)
I only read the first line! I'd better read the rest whilst eating my crunchy, melty - moist kit-kat.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:03, closed)
that is fucked up
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:07, closed)
Scarily enough
we had a similar guy in halls- Scott. Never got to see inside his room- but he was almost never seen outside it. Occasionally he'd pop up at a lecture, but we never saw him near the halls and never saw him actually go into or come out of his room.

Some of the only contact we had with him was through his door- asking if he knew which clumsy fucker had jumped through the bottom of the shower tray (which lead to us standing on the edge of the tray for 6 more months!

Eventually we started to smell random stuff and he stopped appearing or leaving any trace except for a groan / crunchy walk heard through a wall. We assumed he'd killed and pickled himself and just never hoovered (carpet can be made crunchy with the addition of cornflakes). Your story gives a far, far more gruesome possibility than a murder and self-pickling.

Even more worrying is that this could be a common thing!
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:11, closed)
Scott eh?
This wouldn't have been at Edinburgh Uni, say 1992 would it?
(, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:23, closed)
yuk yuk yuk yuk YUK *click*!
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:16, closed)
Once again a QOTW answer...
... where clicking "I Like This!" seems somewhat inappropriate...

*clicks anyway*
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:20, closed)
how didn't you notice the smell?
i mean, seriously. even if he always kept his bedroom door firmly shut the smell of months and months of human faeces would surely spread around the house a tad
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:22, closed)
Is this true?
I've noticed that Chinese male students tend to be socially awkward, through constant studying and not learning how to engage with people. But this is off the Richter scale!
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:25, closed)
just stopped being able to eat my penutbutter on toast. click
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:42, closed)
Sounds like Diogenes Syndrome. It's unusual in someone so young though.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 14:52, closed)
now that my stomach has finally settled -
*clicks with eyes closed, and runs for beer*
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:19, closed)
Currently living in halls, moving out to a excellent three-man house next year with a good friend.

The only thing that can ruin it is the as-yet unidentified third person being some sort of hideous, trollish, dirty screaming lout.

And now this QOTW seems to infer that its inevitable. Balls.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 15:50, closed)

why do I get the feeling I'll be reaching for the boke-bucket a few times this week?

My clicking finger will be worn down to a leathery stump soon.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:07, closed)
click !
that is absolutely disgusting!
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 16:31, closed)
Winter and spring rolls.
Was that intentional?

(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:00, closed)
Was wondering how I could get something in about prawn crackers but got bored. Cheers!
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 17:18, closed)
Hikikomori - is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement due to various personal and social factors in their lives.


Sounds like the poor lad suffered from this ^^^
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 19:17, closed)
Was your bathroom really that bad ?
(, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 15:02, closed)
It was ok. I just think this Kit-Kat fella was incredibly strange. We wern't mean to him or anything like that. Fuck me, one of the lads who lived in the place with us was of Chinese origin, and he wouldn't even talk to him. I have no idea what the fuck was going on in that lad's mind. It was a bit like living with a ghost, a very smelly ghost with low levels of personal hygiene.
(, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:45, closed)
Was all that made up just for that punchline?
I suspect so. Especially as 'kit-kat' is the most un-Chinese name I can imagine.
(, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 16:22, closed)
I also suspect its colourful bollocks just for the punchline.......
Why? All your posts seem so out there and wonderful Spanky that I struggle to believe theres any truth to them. Don't get me wrong, I loved your "Big Jake" story and most of your others posts - I just struggle to believe them true.

As for not smelling the shit....

I'm well aware that flies are not just attracted to faeces for the smell (they use it to lay eggs in, gain energy from undigested food - peanuts, corn, etc) but with the quantity of shit you talk about there must have been a smell emanating from the room.

Since when has the truth been important anyway. I still clicked.
(, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 10:08, closed)
Thanks for the kind words, matey
Of course its all true. Every last sodding word... Only the truth comes out of this gob...

And I'll recommend you to the Intergallactic Senate for a Medal of Distinction the next time they beam me up for a meeting...

(, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 12:54, closed)
Bloody brilliant!
I can't wait to meet my old friend Ming the Merciless again. I'll ask him where he gets his shoulder pads from when I'm there.
(, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 7:13, closed)
Over 10 years ago when I was in halls
there was a Chinese or Japanese bloke on our corridor that we saw once in the whole year. His name was Hydafoomi, so we re-named him "HidingFromMe".
(, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 11:51, closed)

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