lol
lol that reminds me of the time when me n the crew was down by the brook n tommy tinkler said ill giv u a fiver if u jump in. i jumped in n broke my ankle. then me other mate tiny tim said, oswald! u got suttin on ur foot! i looked down n i had only gone n squashed a fukin toad! dno y it was in there either. suffice 2 say, it was a bit taxin but i got out in the end n i said to tommy tinkler, ‘lets av tht fiver then buddy’ e said ‘jokin rnt ya? if i had tht much money the milky bars wud b on me ;p’ i was fukin ragin at tht point so i hit him in the shoulder n e said ‘dnt do tht’ tiny tim came up n said ‘ye es only havin a joke theres no need to fukin do tht is there now oswald’. i was fukin annoyed so i stomped off. well obv i cudnt stomp off cuz i had a broken ankle. i limped off, hearin muffled laughter behind me. on the way home i was walkin down the main road when a shop caught me eye ‘banterbox’, i walked in n saw all kinds of characters.. wel u no characters of the fat n scruffy kind. i went up to one lad n leaned over his shoulder sayin ‘wots this then’ e goes ‘its habbo hotel, its the future mate’. i said lets av a go then n e was like umm no i paid for this. i pushed im off his chair n sat down. however, e hit me bak which i jus was not expectin n bein the scrawny little scruff i am i cudnt hold me own. suffice 2 say, today werent the best of days. i went bak to the caravan site n told me brother wot this hefty cunt had done. n me brother was like well well we aint avin tht r we now oswald. i stood on the stuntpegs of his stolen bmx as he rode down there. wen we got there we went in n me brother took no prisoners jus went up to the first fat cunt e seen n said is this the lad os? i said no es over there. u shudve seen this fat boys face, it dropped as e seen me with me brother. e was abt my age (11) n me bro was 19. the fat lad jus ran str8 out of the gaff, e even left his wallet the dumb fucker lol. the pakis who owned the gaff didnt giv a fuk they was jus there 2 make a livin. so i sat down at his comp n started playin habbo on his account sixpakboy. suffice to say, me life was turned round at tht point, evry day i wud go from 9 til fukin 5 playin habbo like there was no tomorrow. once i had run out of fatties funds i jus spend each nite scroungin pennies off the local 7 n 8 yr olds n dippin in the sofa n bins n shit. this kept me habbo addiction up for a while but obv soon the lads was sick of me n flat out said no. my unchartered confidence was shattered at this point, probs by my days of playin habbo so i didnt get lippy or owt. this was where things got ugly. i wud nick stuff from me parents n sell it to the local big boys. i member floggin me mums new 19incher (tv not dick lol) for a fiver… i was well proud. awarmam blamed it on the caravan opposite to us. i jus played along. i wud use the cash i had spare to buy credits upon credits of stolen furni with a nokia 3330 i robbed off scruffy sam. soon enough i was a habbo tycoon, i had evrythin i wanted n more. i had a fit habbo gf, gd habbo mates, a whole arsenal of furni includin a wide array of rares. at this point a shady blak lad walked in one day. e said ‘the big lads at skl call me nerdy boi on campus, but u can refer to me as k0rfain’. e took me down a park down the other end of town. never had been down there before, lol. e took me under this slide where his mates was playin cards. i dno wot game i think it was 21 i dint exactly stop n ask did i lol. anyway e introduced me to them, there was davedadon, j-hab n som gimpy white lad who called imself kraifect. i dint like kraifect cuz e was a fukin div but the rest were ok. they called themselves the ghetto reunion n i was an honorary member. i cudnt believe it, i had never felt so fukin honored in me life! anyway the next day i came down to the hangout n j-hab was there tryna smoke banana peels. we hit up a conversation n he told me all abt habbo fake logins. i was enticed, me, later i rushed str8 to the internet cafe n got bizy with the fizzy, so 2 speak. so ye, i had made a fake login n by the next day i had fuckin accounts all over the fukin gaff. i was so excited the paki in the shop was like ‘u ok boy? u lk like u had my uncle sanjibs special vindaloo ;p’ lol. i went on all these accts n stole the furni. leavin ‘ghetto reunion’ in their mottos. this went on for days n days till i came 2 somethin of a peak. i knew i had to take a step up the ladder. a new idea came to me when we was all in j-habs habbo room. i saw all his thrones… e had way more than me lol, i felt fukin small. it was at this point i thought up a plan. i made a new email service, fukin professional n evrythin, i sold a bit of the furni (jus norms.. as if id giv up the rares rofl) n paid som lass called Kelly Ryder to make me a pro site. she was prity tasty too, i thought i had a chance with her but wen i strted flirtin she sed ‘hands off the merchandise u lk abt 10′. i was gutted, but at least i had me new email system ere. i told the ghetto reunion lads abt it n, bein me homies so to speak, they jumped str8 on. i waited for abt a month when they had all switched their habbos emails tothe ones on my site. i was fukin delighted, this is abt the time when i first discovered wankin lol. tht nite i hid in the corner of the internet cafe when they wus closin up. when they had gon i jumped up on a comp n got str8 to work. i took all their accts, changed all the emails passes etc n took all the furni to a new acct. the next day the ghetto reunion lads all found out. they spoke 2 me abt it n i said ye me furnis been nicked n all (i moved mine to the new acct.. it was hard to leave all me mates behind but at least i wud have a fresh start bein rich as hell). the ghetto reunion boys rallied up a meetin under the slide. we all went there n the boys instantly started addin up the suspects. i jus agreed with wotever they said, hopin i wudnt be found out. but the next day they realised all their emails had a password recovery link. they came down to me at the internet cafe n got me to log on my email. my heart was beatin harder thn ebonic when e went in the hc girls club. they saw i didnt av the password recovery link. davedadon came str8 in me face with his b.o. n fishy breath n said, if ur furni got nicked y ent the pass recovery link ere sonny boi? i said i deleted it, but me magenta face was doin me no favors. kraifect said ‘i cnt believe this! i trusted u!’ n came at me with a limp wristed punch. k0rfain said ‘no kraifect! ghetto reunion dnt do physical violence, but if we did, itd probs be the shittest physical violence in the world’. the boyz all left, givin me dirty looks. i cudnt believe it, i was so greeedy for furniture i betrayed the ppl who got me ere in the first place. the big paki in charge said ‘eh u ok kid’ n i jus burst into tears n hugged his waist. i didnt giv a fuk tht he smelt of last weeks rogan josh. the next day i walked in the gaff with a positive mindset. i no longer had me crew, but at least i was rich as a habbo king rite? i logged into me new acct only to see me room was full. me habbo buddy ginger.kyle msged me sayin eh up lad ur rooms bein trashed. i cudnt believe it! i went fukin dizzy n i went outside to get som fresh air. when i came bak i got in to my room to see they had made an absolute fukin dogs dinner of it. i said to j-hab wot wos the fukin point. e sed ’shudnt betray the ghetto reunion son’. i was fukin ragin n i gave im a piece of my mind, tellin him hes poor n shit. tht second the disconnection notice jus popped up out of nowhere. i had a panic attack cuz i knew this cud mean som1s got their filthy bodyparts on me acct, but i calmed down tellin meself im jus bein paranoid. so i went to log on n it said incorrect password. me heart jumped like a kangaroo, but i told meself to calm down again. i typed me user n pass in slowly. incorrect pass, son, it said. i jus cudnt accept it, so i tried sendin pass to email but it said no habbo on this email, son, it did. i cudnt fukin believe it. i rushed on me old acct n searched meself up on console, n me habbo was wearin fuckin kraifects habbo clothes. KRAIFECT! if it was one ov the lads i wudnt mind as much but kraifect… imagine ur worst enemy shaggin ur girlfriend… well it was worse thn tht. i messaged k0rfain, im bein the ghetto reunion homie i was closest to, spillin out me emotion, sayin how sorry i am. e msged back sayin ‘its too late t’apologize’ n removed me from his list. i felt absolutely gutted. i knew i shudnt of tried to betray the ghetto reunion, they ent no small potatoes. i figured ok, basically me life is fucked but at least everythin is ok I.R.L. (in real life). u wud think tht wudnt u big boy.. but no, to add insult to injury when i got home me mum said ‘it was u who flogged r fukin stuff’ she slaped me n threw me out by me fukin tailbone. i went round tommy tinklers house hopin he still had a soft spot for me in his heart, but e said, sorry oswald awarmum will only let us av one person sleepin over. i said ‘who?’ n then.. to my absolute petrification, there she was, in all er glory, me habbo girlfriend, jus as she looked like on cam. FUCK i shouted n ran off. i still ad the ol nokia 3330, so i rang tiny tim n said ‘ask ur mum if i can sleep round urs.’ n e said ’sory mate busy’ n i said’ u wot?’ then i heard a voice sayin ‘u aint so tiny, tiny tim’ i recognized the voice… no.. fukin joka.. it WAS MY SISTER! SHIT! i was fukin steamin out the ears ere so i threw the nokia on the floor n stamped on it. woops, well done oswald u aint got no fukin belongings now, on habbo or I.R.L. (in real life). i walked down to the ol brook and it had started raining. shit, i thuoght, cud things get any worse. then i saw the big lads silhouettedin the distance. fucker! i thought, they ran up n started hittin me n laughin, no reason wot so ever. got any money? they said. i said no. phone? no. anything? no. then one lked at the others n said: ‘giz ur top’. i was like wot u gay or suttin. i jus got a kik in the chin for tht, i did. they took me top off. then strted laughin their heds off, nickin the rest of me clothes. i was left naked, cryin, cold, wet, hungry.. fuk it i thought i gotta think about the positive ere. i walked up to the brook n membered jumpin in all those yrs back. i thought ‘i wonder if i cud go bak in time if i did it again’ yes. i know it was a fukin stupid thought but i was fukin desperate ere. i jumped in n felt me ankle break jus as it did last time ‘OMG IS IT WORKIN’ i thought, but as me other foot landed it cracked rite up, then i fell on me knee n felt a crack in tht n all. so there i was, bottom of the brook, fukin crippled, cold, sad, lonely, fuckin everythin. wot wud i do next? well…
(SirStromming, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:40, 36 replies)

?
Wha?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:41, closed)

Eh?
Click ignore if you don't like it, matey.
(SirStromming, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:44, closed)

I'm not sure wether I like it or not...
It just confuses me at the moment.... It's like a giant solid wall of text.... I don't realy know where to start....
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:48, closed)

sounds liek a plan
*clicks*
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:48, closed)

This is a brick of letters...
A big fucking brick...

One question: Are you real???

Another question: Is this an alias???

Oh, and another one: Go on, who are you??? You can tell me...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:46, closed)

That
Is none of your business.
(SirStromming, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:47, closed)

Fair enough
I am actually David Bowie (keep it secret), have to stay in alot now after the heart op. I am getting on a bit, you know.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:48, closed)

"Sir Stromming"?
Isn't that the Swedish pronunciation for that reeeeeally stinky pickled fish that comes in a tin?
(Rsoles, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 15:23, closed)

fucking hell..
proud of that?

you do realise no-one in their right mind is going to expend a 100th of their time reading it as you spent writing it?
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:48, closed)

ok
That's what they said to J.K. Rowling and she's a millionaire now.
(SirStromming, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:50, closed)

fuck harry potter
.. maybe your post is entertaining. I'm not good at reading text-speak personally and wont read it beyond the first few lines. pretty amazing effort anyway, assuming you haven't just nicked it from somewhere.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:54, closed)

Yeah but ...
... she knows what line breaks are and doesn't spell like a spasticus autisicus cunt
(nobbyd is wanking furiously to industrial grade porn on, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 18:57, closed)

Ah yes
I see our resident clueless liar is back. The one who seems to think Nokia 3310s are capable of receiving video calls... silly bastard.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:58, closed)

shut your mouth
before i shut it for you
(SirStromming, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:59, closed)

Heh
And what exactly are you going to do... fume quietly in front of your computer monitor?

Oh, wait... you are.

Grow up and grow a pair.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 27 Feb 2009, 23:22, closed)

click
:)
(searlichek, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 6:20, closed)

shut it
before i rip ur bleeding head off!
(SirStromming, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 1:31, closed)

Wow
Impressive length (and girth). I only made it couple of likes in before my mind started to melt though.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 23:06, closed)

This body of text
requires its own version of the rosetta stone. I put it into Word but it exploded.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 23:09, closed)

It fills my entire screen!
Goodbye.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 23:14, closed)

Sorry
precis please

I looks like it might be worth a read, but I just cant, being blind in one eye and well just damn lazy
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 0:07, closed)

Please please
I read it all and found it good. PLease finish it. I am well amused. It's friday and a bottle of wood's will do that to you.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 28 Feb 2009, 0:22, closed)

Hints of Feersum Endjinn there.
When's the next instalment?
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 1:17, closed)

Spelling, punctuation and grammar are things that passed you by aren't they?
It's like a stream of (semi-)consiousness from the mind of a 14 year old chav.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 15:04, closed)

I bet that took aaages to write
yet it made my eye bleed. :(
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 16:19, closed)

Jesus that's chav-tastically epic
Gave it a quick skim read and found only this real gold:

"she was prity tasty too, i thought i had a chance with her but wen i strted flirtin she sed ‘hands off the merchandise u lk abt 10"
( Sammo, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 17:04, closed)

tl;dr

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 1 Mar 2009, 2:06, closed)

Personally...
I just read the words that were in caps... I do like how in brackets, next to I.R.L., we are told what it means. It is a shame though, that this wasn't done for the whole body of text...
(name, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 19:44, closed)

Seriously
Couldn't fucking read :p
(thebdaman hmmm....., Sun 1 Mar 2009, 23:52, closed)

You are James Joyce
AICMFP
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 13:12, closed)

No, he is Iain M Banks
and this is the sequel to Feersum Enjinn.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 14:28, closed)

pffft!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 15:14, closed)

This is my fave bit
"i was left naked, cryin, cold, wet, hungry.."


I find it to be like poetry in the midst of turds. Beautiful.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 16:32, closed)

I was going to ignore this ...
... then thought fuck it, and had a go. I only got 1 line in, then a little bit of pooh came out of me.
(nobbyd is wanking furiously to industrial grade porn on, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 19:01, closed)

paragraphs....
PLEASE WRITE IN PARAGRAPHS YOU STUPID, MONGING, RETARDED CUNT!!
I FUCKING HATE YOU AND WISH YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH FROM ASS CANCER YOU PUSS FILLED CUNT FLAP.
(b3ta_polis, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 23:16, closed)

Methinks...
...we have a clever troll amongst us. The use of quotations marks by the OP is some evidence of that.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 13:59, closed)