What did the free electron say...
on meeting a positive ion?
I'm only a shell of my former self!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Tue 11 Jun 2024, 18:50, 1 reply, 9 months ago)

Did you hear that Jack Torrance went on a cow-killing spree at the Overlook Hotel?
When last seen, he was friesian to death.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 11 Jun 2024, 8:03, Reply)

I was furious the other day
one of my decorators painted a huge cock on my front door. I complained to his boss but he just glossed over it.
(littlemix link in bio ❤️🌟❤️, Tue 11 Jun 2024, 6:22, Reply)

A guy who can't stop killing cows?
Pull the udder one, you're talking bull!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Mon 10 Jun 2024, 19:50, Reply)

Did you hear about the painter and decorator who fell in love with Tina Turner?
She didn't love him back though. Unfortunately, he used a second-hand emulsion.
(Octo I ruin everything., Mon 10 Jun 2024, 16:56, Reply)

Did you hear about the guy who can't stop killing cows?
He is wanted for mooder.
(Octo I ruin everything., Mon 10 Jun 2024, 12:27, Reply)

I sacked my new sign painter, cuz he’s an idiot!
‘Per my instructions’, he made this:
“NEW CLEAR ZONE”
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Sun 9 Jun 2024, 19:30, Reply)

They take a lot of care of their workers at the explosives factory, a cuppa is provided with your evening meal at no cost.
Yes its free tea'n'tea every day.
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sun 9 Jun 2024, 14:28, Reply)

Why are volcanoes bad at conversation?
They are always interruptioning.
(Octo I ruin everything., Sun 9 Jun 2024, 13:07, 2 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Why couldn't the vegetarian send any more parcels?
They had run out of saladtape.
(Octo I ruin everything., Sun 9 Jun 2024, 13:02, Reply)

Never work double shifts at a gunpowder factory, mistakes can be made
I did once, it was an all-niter.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Sat 8 Jun 2024, 17:53, Reply)

My guilty pleasure
is answering questions a thousand weeks late.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 7 Jun 2024, 11:33, 2 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

What is an electricians favourite breakfast?
An ohmlette.
(Octo I ruin everything., Tue 4 Jun 2024, 13:08, 4 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT - IGNORING THIS COULD RESULT IN NAB
* Steal jokes - Check!
* Flood post - Check! Check! Check! Check! Check!
* Be a dick ok? - I am a dick, does that count?
(Do I really have to say sorry too?)
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Mon 3 Jun 2024, 20:35, 1 reply, 9 months ago)

I met a guy the other day...
He had to use a firearm to stop himself talking too much - he kept shooting his mouth off!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Mon 3 Jun 2024, 8:26, Reply)

Did you see that Alan Sugar show,
where they had to invent a program to make a mobile phone vibrate at the resonant frequency of frozen water in order to break it up into smaller chunks to put in your drink?

The App rent ice.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Sat 1 Jun 2024, 16:02, Reply)

Tragic news: Gerald, a famous mouse, known for his contributions in agricultural science, was eaten by a cat.
He was out, standing in his field.
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Sat 1 Jun 2024, 3:56, Reply)

So I met a “Flat-Earther”…….
…….yeah…….
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Fri 31 May 2024, 5:12, 4 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Ok then I'll slag off sir Keir,
Of my vote, he ain't gettin' near.
He'll take a right winger,
He must be a swinger,
And she likes it best up her rear!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Tue 28 May 2024, 23:20, 2 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Is political humour allowed,
Or will I end up disavowed?
If I take the pish,
Out of the Rish,
And cry out that he's not well endowed!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Tue 28 May 2024, 22:45, Reply)

I've been feeding my pet newt body building supplements
And now he's looking rather 'efty.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 28 May 2024, 21:45, Reply)

I say I say I say...
Why are the two main political parties called Conservative and Labour?
Ans: How else do you tell them apart! Boom boom!
(Mr Science (in search of something original to put here), Sat 25 May 2024, 17:16, 5 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Anyone here ever swum with dolphins?
I have, and it was one of the most amazing, magical, transcendental experiences of my life.

It was in 2003 off the coast of Fernando de Noronha Island in Brazil. It was a gloriously hot day and we took a boat out onto the sparkling blue waves and waited until a pod of three dolphins appeared. Eduardo, our guide, told us that this particular pod always came and loved swimming with people.

As I lowered myself into the cool ocean they swam up to me and butted me gently with their bottle noses. I was a bit scared but soon overcame this - they were gentle, playful creatures, you really got a sense of their intelligence.

We swam out from the boat some ten metres below the surface and they glided around us with such grace it took my breath away.

More than that - as I swam I felt I had a real, strong connection with the dolphins. I experienced deep communion, a bond between mammals, a sublime pooling of consciousnesses. Yes - we really clicked.
(Dktr Skagra, Sat 25 May 2024, 10:14, 5 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Mickey the cannibal had a hankering for a savoury snack so he visited the local cannibal market and asked if they had any of those tins of cheesy snacks
The shopkeeper said, Sorry Mickey, no canned toe
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Thu 23 May 2024, 12:31, Reply)

I was trying to organise a wrestling match, asked an agent if we could hire that masked wrestler
he said, sorry, no kendo
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Thu 23 May 2024, 8:42, 1 reply, 9 months ago)

Rishi Sunak has called a general election.
July?

No, I'm telling the truth.
(Octo I ruin everything., Wed 22 May 2024, 18:26, 2 replies, latest was 9 months ago)

Why are vampires so shit at poker?
They run away as soon as the stakes are raised.
(Ghost Moustache, Wed 22 May 2024, 16:21, Reply)

Why are old Nazi soldiers good with dogs?
Because they're veteran Aryans.
(Ghost Moustache, Wed 22 May 2024, 16:18, Reply)

A friend of mine cannot distinguish between the songs "There She Goes" and "One day Like This".
He literally doesn't know his La's from his Elbow.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 22 May 2024, 9:51, 1 reply, 9 months ago)