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This is a question In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

I've never been a soldier. I was an air cadet once, but that mostly involved sitting in a mouldy hut learning about aeroplane engines with the hint that one day we might go flying.

Yet, anyone who has spent time defending their nation, or at least drinking bromide-laced-tea for their nation, must have stories to tell. Tell them now.

(, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 18:26)
Pages: Popular, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

I for one, second remegels request.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 10:44, Reply)
Marines have fun
My brothers in the marines, and he often regales me with tales of punishment.

One particular story was when he and his troop/squadron/unit thing consisting of around 80 guys all had to do a gym workout. This is fairly common during training, and all you need to do is turn up with your kit in you kit bag for a head count, then they go and get changed.

However, one guy had been sippin back the contraband the night before and mixed his laundry up with his gym kit, and only realised his problem as he was gettin changed. In his bag, he was carryin a white bedsheet and a kingsize mars bar.

Now I reckon this is what makes being a drill sargeant, because he made the poor bastard dress up in the sheet, i presume toga style, and whilst he was doing the 50 push up punishment, he pulled up the sheet and placed the 7" of delicious dairy milk, nougat and caramel in his ass crack.

Naturally, after a few minutes more of pushups, this chocolate log (fuck you, its a good pun) started to melt, so the sargeant tells the guy to go to the first obstacle, climbing the rope. He had to keep the bar in his crack though, so with one hand on the rope and another up his ass he began to climb, and apparently made it a good 20ft up the rope until a high ranking officer walked in, unaware of the situation, noticing the guy at the top of the rope, and shouting "Boy, why have you shit yourself? You're not even at the fucking top yet!"

And as the guy began to explain himself, the chocolate falls out of his ass (now very melted and mushed up) and hit the floor beneath him. To which the high ranking officer turned and threw up the canteen's soup of the day on a fellow recruit, who was at the time doing sit-ups.

Life in the Military eh? Its not all fun and buggery.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 10:43, Reply)
Now as some of you may well know i'm a fairly quiet chap, content in lurking each day for many a year now. I've kept quiet for long enough but it needs to be said. Brady - be a dear and shut the fvck up, you are neither funny nor witty.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 9:45, Reply)
More Chipmunk Aerobatics
Like many other posters I was an air cadet, and got taken up for half an hour in a chipmunk quite a few times. Usually they would throw in a few barrel rolls and loops for fun. I loved it.

My third trip up I bet the (RAF) pilot ten quid that he couldn't make me throw up. The resulting aerobatics were FANTASTIC, although I did only narrowly avoid losing the bet.

Fast forward 15 years, and I'm learning to fly in a Cessna 172. Unfortunately they're no good for aeros (too stable), still great fun though.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 9:44, Reply)
The Australian Army Reserve...

...officer training regiment in Sydney is the Sydney University regiment (Sydney University being the oldest and most prestigious university in Australia). Since over half the people who go to the older universities in Australia come from the economic top 25%, this means that they have a particular idea of who they want to be officers...which strikes me as a bit fucked.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 4:08, Reply)
Aeronautical equivalent of a Vauxhall Chevette
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 0:42, Reply)
Armed Escort
I went to a girls only school, but right next door was the boys school, separated from us by about 200m and a three foot high wall....oh, and big black fuck-off wrought iron gates in the middle of the three foot high wall. Nearly all the boys were in some kind of cadets thing or other, RAF, Navy, all the rest. They used to have to do training every Friday, and it was used as an excuse to give the boys ranks so they could legitimately boss each other around.

Most of my friends were in the RAF. They were also a year younger than me, so while I was doing A-levels and had a lot of free slots in my timetable I could easily wander over and hang out in the RAF mess. They did a lot of bugger-all in there, mainly just played Mao which I'd join in with. Then one of the teachers would walk by and tell me off for being there

"Oi, come on now, no girls allowed in the mess"
"Um, I'm not a girl sir, I'm just an overly-talkative drinks machine..."

One day, someone had brought in a load of toy lightsabres. Brilliant - having nothing better to do, we started having full scale lightsabres battles, two on two in the mess. We looked out of the window, and realised all the 12 and 13 year olds were playing football outside. We gathered at the door to the playground, then suddenly all burst out and had more lightsabre battles in the middle of the football game, to the bewilderment of the youngsters. Then I got caught for being female again and was told to go back to my own school.

"But she might get captured sir!"

Duly, the boys with lightsabres surrounded me, and I made my way back to the girls' school with an armed escort of wannabe jedi RAF pilots, occaisionally stopping to break out into more battles. I lightsabred my way all the way back to the sixth form common room!
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 0:20, Reply)
Posh knobs
I was never in the army myself, but I remember when they came round to our school to talk to us about joining the forces. I was curious, so I went along. About 8 of us were stuffed in this little room, and a middle aged man was talking to us about what the requirements were, what we'd be expected to do, etc etc. It was at the point where he said

"And of course, on your first day you'd be coming in as an officer in charge of a group of men whose first day it would also be..."

And suddenly it hit me. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Being one of the scholarship kids, it hadn't occurred to me that since we were at a posh private school, this made us the 'officer classes'. Bugger that! Echoes of WWI ringing in my head, I left the room.
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 0:06, Reply)
Chipmunks are a LOT worse than Grobs ... they're taildraggers for a start!
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 21:57, Reply)
until january i was an air cadet and...
i have to say...chipmunks sound scarier than grob tutors...and they're evil... and the NCOs and officers, besides the camp fling i had, were cnuts...

oh and my dad was in the REME, went to iraq and played volleyball for four months
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 21:17, Reply)
This happened to me whilst pooing
I was sitting there making a poo when my eyes went all fucking misty and I drifted off somewhere and began contemplating the life cycle of a shite.

How it starts out as food and then commences on it's journey into the mouth and down the throat and wherever it goes after that. The arse I think.

I mused briefly on the next stage of the voyage - the shittening. Out it comes for a bit of a swim and then down the pipe where it is transported to Bethlehem to float around in the ether dispensing good vibes and stuff.

The profundity of this dwelt on my mind for a couple of seconds before I realised the irony of the fact that I had just completed my shit successfully. It then occurred to me that this wasn't even ironic at all.

I got up and wiped myself down and wandered off crying cos I didnt know what irony was.

Fuck off.
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 18:09, Reply)
toilet paper
errrrrrr - wouldn't it make sense just to put 16 pieces of toilet paper rather than 8 in a daily ration pack? i could understand if we were talking about something heavy, but tissue paper? personally, i'd rather the extra weight than... that sort of caper *shudder*
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 17:53, Reply)
My old mate Clive, fucked off with being in the RAF and having spent ~9 years calling wankers 'SIR' and being addressed only by his surname, tried to change his surname to... "Sir". Quite brilliant I thought, all the officers having to call him Sir.

I think he got in to trouble once and had to carry a 12ft plank around for a week. Everywhere, bog, bed, drill, whatever. Probably learnt his lesson though.
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 17:27, Reply)
Flattered Baps
"So let that be a warning to you: if you eat all the brown, balance it out and eat all the fruits as well."

Sounds like a homoerotic, fecal and cannibalistic fetish to me.

I'll go now...
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 17:14, Reply)
Squeal like a pig, boy!
One day we went to the base for training, but it was raining really hard the pilots couldn't be arsed, so they sat us down and let us watch the only video they had.


I was 14. Bang went my innocence...
(, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 17:13, Reply)

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