"I have kids, therefore your argument is invalid."
Apologies if already bindun here, but if there's one thing guaranteed to make me want to murder someone, it's the good ol' "If you had kids, you'd understand!" defence, which all-too-often gets used to justify Every Little Thing, Ever.

"I'm tired today, I only got three hours' sleep---"
"NO YOU'RE NOT, IF YOU HAD KIDS, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND!"

"My boiler broke down again, and the washing machine has packed up---"
"OH, THAT'S NOTHING, IF YOU HAD KIDS THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND."

"My rectum has become inverted, I lost broke legs in a freak toaster accident and my wife has left me for a nipple-clamping expert who lives in Outer Mongolia---"
"REALLY? THAT'S NICE, BUT LITTLE TARQUIN LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH TODAY, SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND."

Alright, so maybe I DON'T understand, but perhaps I don't really WANT to, either...
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:49, 5 replies)

People who
Go on about their fucking birthday. B3 or not, I don't care, I'm not buying you a sodding cake.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:43, Reply)

People who say
'Cheer up, it may never happen'. No it fucking has already happened, that's why I look like this. Now piss off and don't be such a smug cunt.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:41, 1 reply)

Knickers
The smaller they are the more they cost. No matter how much lace, lycra or clitty litter catching capabilities.

Thieving bastards.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:38, 9 replies)

Supermarkets
Charging us extra because they have taken something out or now with 50% more / less crunch / fat / sugar.

Bollocks.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:36, Reply)

Quiche
Its not, its a flan or in some cases a tart. Never a ponced up french crap which allows the TAsdaescos to charge an extra 50p for it.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:34, Reply)

people
Who, when I'm smoking under an empty bus shelter, walk up to me and tell me to put it out. They seem genuinely surprised when I tell them that this particular one has no 'no smoking' sign and could they please masturbate with razor blades.

Also, bus drivers who mistake prams for wheelchairs. That area of the bus must be cleared for wheelchairs. It doesn't need to be vacated at rush hour for some woman with a toddler in a pram. No, I will not give up my seat when I have an hour journey ahead of me. Fold the fucking thing up.

People who get on the bus whilst their child is having a shit fit. Nobody wants their eardrums burst, thanks.
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:24, 7 replies)

Wombles.
Filthy little bastards.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:16, Reply)

Chillaxin'
The word/phrase should be met with uncompromising blunt-force trauma to the face.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:15, 2 replies)

Fearne Cotton....
Asking any of her few listeners to 'Give her a text'.

If you weren't so annoying I might send you one, but giving you one* is not going to happen.



*In any sense of the phrase.
(jono_h, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:13, 4 replies)

Bits of
coffee in my sugar.
(Shadowfaxthehoss, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:05, 1 reply)

When telling someone my postcode
I like to do it as one unit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:52, 3 replies)

"Workoholic", "Shopohilic"... Other "...olics"
The Simpsons pointed it out well but I don't recall the exact phrase used, something like "drnking 4 bottles of workahol a day...".
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:50, 4 replies)

Blue Christmas Lights!
Not very seasonal I know but what can you do.

Why, why, why have blue Christmas lights?

Now I love Christmas lights (not to excess you understand) and in general I love blue LEDs - they look somehow both high-tech and mysterious. BUT BLUE IS NOT A CHRISTMAS COLOUR!

White - great.

Red/Green - Fine.

Yellow - OK, I'll allow that, especially if mixed with red/green.

Blue - No. No. No. Not a Christmas colour. Try again.


And breathe.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:47, 2 replies)

Oddly
I have an irrational hatred of people who use "language is in a state of constant flux" as an excuse for their own shoddy spelling, speaking and thinking skills.

Making up entirely new words for things is one thing - Shakespeare and Orwell did it a lot, as did many other great authors; tecchies do it a lot; even B3tards are pretty good at this (at least when it comes to swearing) - and if the words are useful or witty or both, entirely admirable.

Confusing your, you're and yore; pronouncing an 'R' as a 'W' or 'V'; peppering every sentence with 'like' or 'innit' or 'yna a ah min'; thinking reflexive pronouns are somehow the gold standard for formal business English; spelling like you're writing a text message in the early days when you were getting charged by the character; getting the hump when anyone asks you what you mean if you say something they don't fully understand; getting even more of a hump when someone else uses a word which you don't understand yourself - these are all just pig fucking ignorance.

But that's just me.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:42, 7 replies)

A few from my list
Women with pushchairs – You do not own the pavement

People who get off the train and instantly open an umbrella for that two second walk along the uncovered platform.

Kite surfers, the cyclists of the sea.
(Hoaxy The only living boy in new cross, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:39, 3 replies)

People who describe themselves as "crazy"
You're not crazy, you're just loud and attention-seeking! I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!!
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:33, 3 replies)

Creeping Americanisms
Trick or treat. Cheerleaders. High-school proms. Rocky Road.

I have nothing fundamentally against these things -- when in America. All fine and splendid things, over there.

But why do they suddenly pop up here in the UK? Did I miss a meeting? Suddenly, one year, there were kids on my doorstep demanding sweets - or rather, candy. Suddenly there were cheerleaders in the town parade.

The irrational bit is that a) I don't dislike America / Americans (lived there for a while), and b) I quite enjoy taking my kids Trick Or Treating. But it still annoys me, the way it creeps in.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:24, 3 replies)

Grown adults who think that saying "beep beep"
is an acceptable alternative to "excuse me please..."
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:23, 8 replies)

Riding bicycles.
I can't ride bikes.

When sitting on a bike, I find I'm overcome with a sense of fear and anger...and I just have to get off. I don't quite understand it.

Last time I rode a bike was at the inecessant nagging of my parents(ended up with me falling into a patch of nettles...little me was not pleased.)

Exercise bikes are fine, so maybe it's something to do with balance.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:19, 4 replies)

London dialling code
It may seem innoccuous to most, but it REALLY grinds my gears to hear people give out their (London) phone number as beginning with 0207... or 0208....
There is only one dialling code for London, and it is 020. Nothing more, nothing less.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:16, 15 replies)

Has to be
Those little scrotes who believe that everyone wants to hear Neyo coming out of their tinny little mobile phone speaker!

BUY SOME FUCKING HEADPHONES!
(The Liquorice Allstar I need cricket, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:14, 6 replies)

snowbladers
monkeys on snow on their way to claim benefits.
(uknowsit, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Fucking fucking FUCKING cyclists.
Cunts, all of them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:12, 8 replies)

Estate agents
Subhuman scum.
( rofl harris, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:10, Reply)

Slow drivers
who clog up main roads going a solid 38mph and attracting a long, furious tail of followers.

They then open up as they hit a sleepy village (30mph limit), pushing it to the max at a heady 41/42mph!

What is the meaning of this? What are the thought processes that cause this behaviour?

It makes me want to eat my steering wheel.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:07, Reply)

another list
1. the use of the word Eldest to describe the OLDEST of more than 2, it should be the ELDER of the two or the OLDEST of the Group...Daily Mail take note!
2. People who stand on escalators.
3. The use of 'too' when it should be 'to'...i.e 'where are you going too' Argh!
3. Old people who drive very pokey cars at 30mph...don't buy a subaru impreza if you are not going to have the decency to hoon!
4.people who ask if you saw 'whatever' last night on TV and when told NO I SKY+ed it but then continue to tell you the plot, bastards.
4.People that come to me during the course of my work who say 'can I ask a question? ( you mean 2 questions then).....thats the question allowance used up you cretin!
5.Men told to wait with the trolley where the wife has told them and there is no budging them even if you want something from that shelf.
6. Children
7. Women that will bring whatever conversation you are having round to their vile offspring
8. Dr's receptionists
9. Fat women, eat less exercise more and quit fucking moaning ..!
10 Fat people with too tight clothes...buy a bigger size porkster.
11.People with no common sense, could include the government in there. I worked for a very intelligent high court judge who cleaned bird shit off his brand new BMW with a Brillo pad...yet he interviewed Maggie Thatcher about her part in the Arms to Iraq inquiry.
12. Bus travelers
13. Pen clickers, chair swivvelers and foot jigglers
14. People who make lists! rant over
thank you
(Jessypuss Fiddling with stuff since 1957, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:00, 6 replies)

Anyone who is trying to imply that they are somehow wacky or crazzzyy by
saying that they are going out to the pub and might have a beverage or 5. JUST FUCK OFF. A beverage???! It's a pint. Calling it a beverage makes you look like a complete cock. And you might have 5? Am I supposed to be impressed that you can drink a whole 5 pints?

Grrrrrrrrrrr
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 17:00, 6 replies)

7 for starters....
I’m not entirely sure if they’re rational or irrational, but they’re hatreds none-the-less.

(1) People calling me to tell me they’ve sent me an e-mail.

“Hi Hunter, I’ve just sent you an e-mail”
“Well bully for you.”
“and?”
“and what? Oh – you want me to read your e-mail and respond to it. Well DON’T FUCKING CALL ME TO WASTE MY FUCKING TIME THEN.”


(2) People with a lack of spatial awareness cavorting in public with an umbrella, then looking on disapprovingly as you knock it out of your way six millimetres before it removes your eyeball.


(3) Ignorance – I have a drinking buddy called N – N isn’t a stupid guy by any stretch of the imagination. He’s not going to win MasterMind any time soon, but he’s not stupid. He has managed to raise his two kids pretty damned well and supports his family through thick and thin. BUT – his use of the English language is appalling. I don’t mind bad grammar or spelling etc. if it’s because of (a) a lack of a decent education; (b) dyslexia or some other form of specialness; or (c) because somebody is genuinely a fucktard – these generally can’t be helped, but Neil doesn’t have any of these excuses. A prime example – either a text message or an e-mail stating “Are see you there”. What? Really?? You’re using “are” instead of “I’ll”? The thing is that I have mentioned it to him numerous times, and he acknowledges that it’s wrong and continues using it anyway. “Are see you later”. AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH.


(4) Out-of-power politicians immediately blaming everything on the new Government.

“Unfortunately the country’s in a mess because we inherited a bag-of-fucking-shit economy from the previous lot”
“You’ve been harping on about that since you took power – you can’t keep using it as an excuse”
“Is the economy still shit? Yes. Did you make it shit? Yes. Can I therefore still blame you that the economy is shit? Yes I fucking can”.


(5) People who talk down to people who swear. I cannot fucking stand this.

“You only swear because you can’t think of anything else to say”
“Actually, I can think of many other things to say, I just think that calling you a shit-for-brains stuck-up wank-sock sums up my sentiments better”

All you are doing when you refuse to swear is limiting your own vocabulary – nothing else.


(6) People who irrationally hate Simon Cowell. You hate him because he’s a smug, smarmy git? I’m pretty sure that if I made several hundred million quid from doing nothing more than shovelling pube-shrinkingly bad music down the throats of the more mentally retarded sections of our public that I’d be a pretty smug, smarmy git. You hate him because he produces some of the worst music ever heard? Fine – no problems there...


(7) Bouncers. All of them, ever (except one who’s awesome and one who’s dead) – though I’m pretty sure that this is in fact a perfectly rational hatred...
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 16:16, 2 replies)