Dearest Dominique,
my little French-wench, why did you have to take up the saxaphone when we were in that student flat together? Why did you think you were competent enough to teach the bloody thing after only twelve months? Why did you keep on complaining to me about it? If the performance of your students was a problem then you should have taken it up with them, not me! If they kept on breaking your stuff and not replacing it was it REALLY something I needed to be aware of? Why didn't you listen to me when I told you "L'tairs, they'll never reed!"

Yours, F.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 16:33, 1 reply)

Dear Twlight readers
Die.

Yours sincerely,

Chinaman
(McChinaman banned, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 16:32, 3 replies)

Dear Mr. Umbutu Mbabwe
Firstly, may I say how saddened I was to hear of the death of your Great-Great-Uncle-Twice-Removed, King Ptangwe Tgnthr the third of kettleonia. It must have been a great shock to you and your family and you have my deepest condolences at this very difficult time.

I find it absolutely appalling to hear that, in your country, inheritences can not be paid directly to the beneficiery, but must instead be cleared through an intermediate, non-related, third-party bank account instead?

Needless to say, I would be delighted to help you claim your (sic) "12.2,000,000 $ (TWELVE POINT TOO MILION DOLLERS US)". I have enclosed my full banking details below for you to make the deposit at your leisure.

Given your current situation, I could not comfortably take a commission of "sixty thouzend pounds" for providing such a small service, so please use my account with my blessing.

Kind Regards,

N.D Bailey
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 16:31, 1 reply)

Dear Stevie Wonder...

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 16:13, 4 replies)

Let's go for brevity, and inclusion.
Dear world,

Just fuck right off.

Love,

Me.
(Land of Green Ginger It's dreamy weather, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 16:08, 14 replies)

Dear QOTW contributors,
Use of the following phrases make you look like a twat:
"I'll write more when I can think of it/be bothered"
"Good times"
"Nuff said"
"lol"

I'll write more when I can think of them, nuff said.

Good times, lol.
CHCB x
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:49, 22 replies)

Dear Paddy
Please let me know if you don't receive this letter.

Love,
Mum


Copyright some 1970s comedian.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:48, 8 replies)

A little rewrite on a topic I've done before somewhere else
Dear Potential Friend that I met at gathering,

I like you. I really do. I really liked your jokes and when you said Jimmy Carr was annoying I was in full agreement. I thought us and the rest of the group had a wonderful evening.

But I'm quiet. That's just who I am. This doesn't mean I'm a stuck up cow, or didn't like you. I just find it hard to talk. In a group like the one we were in yesterday evening I just listen and listen and then it’s apparently time to go home. What? Already? I was warming up to say a lovely anecdote about the dog you mentioned...

I discovered I was quiet during of all things, a LAN event. An incredibly drunk person I know a few years ago pointed at me and says “YOU! You’re so quiet!”

I am? Really? This baffled my sober and tired self, which confused his drunken and hyperactive self.

More eloquent or bitchy types would bounce back with renditions of “well if you just shut up I’d have a chance!” I’m not like that. I’m nice. I want to be liked, and to be seen as nice. So interrupting is to be avoided. So is dominating the conversation, hijacking the topic and various other sins. This then leaves me in a situation of constantly deliberating every future conversation move, pondering what to say, and then by the time I’ve worked something out it’s all changed.

Then someone being socially considerate like you notices and asks me a question. I’ve spent the past few minutes processing the previous topic so I can say something that might be interesting or useful. Unfortunately, that’s not what you’re being asked about seeing as the rest of the group moved on ages ago. So I mumbled something incoherent like “errr, ok, I guess?” and there’s a brief silence and then someone loud and articulate rescues me with “Well, that reminds me of…” OR I plough on and accidentally imply that I like fornicating with goats.

Goats are fine creatures of course, but I think the person in the group who donates to the RSPCA may suddenly have issues with me. Heaven forbid I try to remember a joke… since when could people ever remember a clean joke? I consume b3ta like it's nutella on toast covered in dopamine sprinkles. I blink, think… and all that comes into my head are dead babies and wife beaters. Or I'm with the people you know who like sick jokes? All I can remember is my childhood fascination with Sydney Youngblood.

I love people, really. I love parties, and gatherings despite my silence and soberness. I’m not anti-social - I just don’t want to say I’m humping goats.

Love,
arthmelow
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:46, 4 replies)

Dear B3ta, 'specially this corner of the board,
I know I may have sounded ungrateful at times. I mean, Mixed Tapes seemed like a fucking stupid topic, though now I look back at that era and find it refreshingly novel and original in comparison to last week. You never did choose my Fwappage fodder QOTW suggestion despite it being near the top of the /all page for eleventy-one months, thus depriving me of seven days of Internet autisms porn mockery. That would have required a separate server for the Fail Archive. What a loss.

However, the need for the people on this site to meet in person and strike up awkward conversation with other online freaks meant that I got to have actual sex, with actual sperm that met an actual egg. Our baby is due in early July and we've just found out she's a girl so we can't call her Rob. Shame. Captain V, her proud father-in-waiting, insists that she'll be the sexiest child ever, so there's a heads-up for the paedos.

Consider this my grudging thanks,
Love CHCB.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:45, 16 replies)

Dear lovely chinese girl at the station,
Hi,

You probably know me as "that odd, long-haired idiot at the train-station every morning", or maybe you haven't noticed me at all... anyway...

I can't help sneaking glances at you and doing the whole "forced-casual pose" that makes me look like I've had a mild stroke. You look like exactly the kind of girl I'd like to know: a rocker (judging by your jeans and fingerless gloves with skulls on), an intellectual (you're always reading - REAL stuff, not slagozines), and you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen.

...But I'll never have the guts too talk to you because at that time of the morning I have the charm and appearance of the contents of my vacuum-cleaner.

yours sheepishly, Zumf.
( Zumf Ham banjo, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:44, 28 replies)

Dear Woolworths
I would like to complain about the poor service I received on my last visit to your nearest branch.

I found the staff unhelpful and particularly unmotivated, particularly given the somewhat chaotic arrangement of the stock in the shop which was scattered upon the floor or in a rather random layout.

In future I shall take my business elsewhere!

Yours,

Golddust.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:43, 3 replies)

Dear lady who wrote to my college complaining about me
Why did you feel the need to write to my college regarding the fact that I was in a Facebook group called "Reasons to punch a woman"? It was a joke! It had a list of daft reasons eg. When she interupts me when I'm on COD. When's she's not in the kitchen. When she doesn't give me a blowjob.

I am confused as to why you thought it was a college matter. However I get the feeling that you are a cunt. My college attendance is funded by my employer and it was lucky that the college just decided to let it slide, even though I could have been suspended and had to go in front of a panel to explain myself as it could be deemed as bringing the college into disrepute, because if my employer and found out I would have been fired!

What I do in my spare time is non of college or works business, unless what I'm doing is illegal, which being a member of a joke Facebook group is not.

You utterly, utterly humourless cunt!


*Just goes to show that your Facebook may not be as private as you think. Even when your profile is private it shows what networks you are a member of. Needless to say I am no longer in any networks so I cannot be traced unless you are my friend.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:34, 6 replies)

Dear facebook users:
It's called punctuation. Learn it, study it, love it, keep it close to your heart and fucking USE it. Emoticons are not an acceptable substitute.

Lots of love. x
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:34, 5 replies)

Dear Jan Moir
You say it best... when you say nothing at all.

Love,

Steven Gately

PS Kiss my 'boy zone', you lonely, troubled bint.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:33, 4 replies)

Dear Blousie (aged 17)
MTFU you emo cunt.
( girlinthehole, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:32, 4 replies)

Dear citizens of Lowestoft, UK
I am perplexed by the common knowledge in the town where I grew up, that to be educated is somehow offensive, "hoity toity" and rude. I guess you have to make yourselves feel better about the fact that we have 60% teen pregnancies and 70% school dropouts, but seriously?
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:22, 13 replies)

Dear Vegetarians
Why the bloody hell do us omnivores have to put ourselves out serving you non-meat dishes, but you won't put yourselves out serving us meat dishes?

You are a bloody pain - so don't act surprised if next time you get a full steak on your plate and told to leave it if you don't want it because I'm not doubling up my bloody workload just so you can spout your righteous, worthy toss in an obvious effort to prop up your pathetic ego.

Yours &c &c
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:19, 21 replies)

Let's See How Fast They Delete This

Dear Mods.

A few weeks ago I posted this in the Famous People I Hate QOTW. Got a few laughs and, when Thursday rolled round, I checked the Best Of page and it seemed like I'd won. I was first. The top. Numero uno...

Then, mysteriously, I suddenly wasn't. That post just vanished from the "best of" page. (But if you click the link you'll see that the page it comes from is actually the "best of" - it just doesn't show up when you look at the actual "best of" page) Confused? I am.

Now the b3ta mods didn't see fit to tell me they were doing this. They didn't gaz or email me. They just hid the post and hoped nobody would notice.

Now I find this rich because they claim that they got rid of /all due to vote-rigging. It was unfair as some people were using /all to manipulate the votes so that they won the QOTW. After all, making the "best of" page should truly reflect the number of votes each post gets.

Yeah. Right.

Some come on Mods. Tell me, and the people who voted for me, why you saw fit to disqualify that post? And on what grounds? And why you didn't tell anyone?

Censorship on B3ta. Who'd have thought it....

Cheers

It's Thursday and the start of a new QOTW. A lot of people will have read this before you get round to deleting it. Your credibility is at stake


edit: Rob's given me an explanation that I'm happy with. The post in question wasn't about famous people (it was about me and SpankyHanky) which was why it was removed from the "best of" page. Case closed. Move along now - nothing to see here....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:18, 71 replies)

Dear Jeremy Kyle

As much as I occassionally enjoy watching the grim spectacle that is your latest media offering, I do get that grimy feeling after I've seen the latest trawl from the council estates of england - Much akin to when you've had your third wank of the day, second shit and you've not had a shower yet.

Now I know that the stations will produce what the people want but I can't help feeling that you, as Satan's enabler, continue to sate the nation's appetite to watch the human bear baiting that occours every weekday at 9.25AM. This makes me wonder, who is to blame? Is it the nation for demanding to watch damaged people inarticulately shrieking at each other? Is it the parade of slack jawed, overly fertile ne'erdowells who queue to get on to the show to air their dirty laundry at 120db?

Or is it the preening, judgemental arsehole who struts about the stage bellowing at people who have more teeth than braincells safe in the knowledge that the burly security will step in? Could it be that a man who is unable to step in a bookies without losing his ISA is in a rather precarious moral position to be lecturing on responsibility and compulsive behaviour?

You are the ringmaster of shit, boisterously ushering yet more turds into the nation's collective conciousness all in the name of entertainment & 'help'. I may have been able to forgive you pimping the misery of these halfwits but to do it in under the guise of assisting them is truly foul. Putting out the odd show where you return to previous guests to show that you're a force for good is just a shonky justification to the station, the viewers and yourself.

Yours wishing you had fliddy arms and intense rectal itching



Spunky
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:11, 3 replies)

Dear God...
...while I appreciate the extra warmth of the back hair you have blessed me with, please can you return some to my head?

Regards,
Corbo

P.S, can I have your autograph please.
(Corbo, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:01, 4 replies)

Dear Becky,
Whilst I'm not normally one to reveal information which has been passed on to me in confidence, I think is necessary on this occasion as you seem to have fundamentally misunderstood my demeanour towards you.

Whilst it has been mentioned to me by a colleague that you believe I find you sexually attractive, and am lavishing unwelcome attention on you, this is simply not the case. However, since I do perhaps noticeably pay more attention to you than others in the office, and that is apparently causing you concern, I do think you deserve an explanation as to why this might be.

First of all, you have a very loud voice. Despite the fact I sit several desks away, I am a party to every conversation you ever have, willingly or otherwise, and as a result I now feel uncomfortably knowledgeable about your social life, your dietary habits, and your menstrual cycle. In contrast to your normal nasal Essex whine, but even more impressive in volume, you have a laugh like Sid James. Several times, when I've been concentrating on my screen and you have suddenly found something amusing, I have spilled my tea. I must admit that this has somewhat coloured my opinion against you.

And it's not just the voice. It's what you say. It has become apparent, in the 18 months we have shared an office, that you are mind-bogglingly, earth-shatteringly stupid. Often, when you ask a question, I have a moment of confusion where I'm genuinely not sure if you're joking or not. You have never been joking, though.

The most astonishing revelation, I have to say, was when you needed someone in your team to explain the basic process of how the company makes money, for at least the third time. Admittedly, business can be complex, and I can fully understand that people new to our industry need a bit of explanation. However, you'd been here a year at this point, and you work in the Finance Team.

Of course, it's not your fault you're daft, and I should be able to put it to one side and ignore it, but since we work for the same company I can't help but feel sullied by association. The fact that you are part of a graduate scheme I was once also a part of, and could one day be in a role similar to mine, makes me question my own self-worth. It's the look of self-doubt on my face as I gaze on you at these moments that I assume you have mistaken for lust.

As you've probably gathered by now, my feelings towards you are hardly attraction. Admittedly, you do have many attributes that some would consider attractive: the peroxide blonde hair, the perma-tan, the tarty dress-sense, etc., but I am not a League Two Footballer, and these things do not do it for me.

I hope that you can take on board some of these points, and hopefully we can share office-space more productively in future, however I can reassure you that a romantic liaison remains unlikely.

Regards,

Snowy
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:01, 5 replies)

Dear (Girl)
I right like you. I'd like to have a bit of a bash at making you happy, and I'd like to see you naked. I do the odd daft thing, but I'm a pretty good guy really.

Shall we have a go at a relationship?

DP

PS - Despite being a professional salesman (and a successful one) I'm not that smooth... I get all tonguetied too with girls I like (never grew out of the bashful kid thing, despite having been married!)
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 4 Mar 2010, 15:00, 4 replies)

If I had been the 13th apostle
Dear Jesus,

Look, all that son of god stuff was funny at the time, but have you really thought it through? You're a good bloke and you mean well, but pissing everyone off like this will end in tears, take it from me. It's all well and good having a bit of a larf now and then, you're great fun wot with all the party tricks and all but some folks are beginning to get seriously pissed off.

Take it from me and a few others, the Romans do more than just slap a few wrists when they feel their authority is being undermined. Like, you hit the nail on the head when you said that stuff about 'render unto Caesar', but me and a few others thought that was a wee bit close to the bone.

And please don't make the temple guys cross, which I know you do on purpose. You know what they're like on scripture stuff, yet you goad them with all that new age talk. Just let it go, there's a good lad.

We're going fishing market day, boat's all ready. Can you look after the food and stuff? Cheers.

pgfcello

p.s. mary mag says hi
(roysin, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:59, Reply)

Dear [insert prominent politition's name here]
[Generic satirical grumble about the various thing's that are currently wrong with the country]



Yours etc





Something like that, yeah?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:53, 1 reply)

Dear HBOS, Royal Bank Of Scotland and Lloyds,
It appears that you are collectively £37 billion overdrawn. We appreciate that you have enjoyed the benefits of a small overdraft facility from Taxpayers PLC but you have exceeded the amount of £0 that we have deemed fair in your circumstances. You have therefore incurred a £5 billion administration charge to be paid immediately from your designated 'bonus fund' and you have 28 days to repay the sum of £37biliion to avoid futher charges.

Yours,

The British Public.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:46, 7 replies)

Dear Gordon,
Since being made unemployed through redundancy over a year ago I have found it nigh on impossible to gain work, despite a UK University Honours Degree, 2 HNC qualifications and a plethora (20 years) of Management in a variety of practical fields. I have been told on numerous occasions that I am over qualified and under experienced. I cannot even get a job at McDonalds because they believe that it would be a waste of their time and money to employ and then train me.

I did manage to gain some work last month, however it was only of a temporary nature, despite being told otherwise by the agency that recruited me (the telling of such porkies should be a crime (Misrepresentation?)). This had such a negative impact upon my benefit status that all benefits have been stopped and the small amount of minimum wages I did earn for 4 days with no overtime, has failed abjectly to fill the cavernous hole that represents my current financial status. As if this wasn't enough, 2 direct debits bounced, because the money was due to be taken from benefits that didn't appear and the bank wants an extra £60 at the end of the month.

I cannot afford to use a telephone and if it wasn't for the free access to wi-fi provided at my local library I would have no way of contacting you, as I now have no credit, no cash - but I am fortunate to have friends that love me and a supermarket that doesn't understand the law in relation to disposal of out of date foodstuffs - I have a considerably richer diet now that I am a hunter gatherer, but it is time consuming and no doubt I shall fall quite ill at some point.

I have lost my job, my purpose, my self respect, my sanity, my relationship, my home, my ability to live as a contributing member of society and am no doubt becoming increasingly de-skilled as each day passes...

What I am asking is, Mr Brown, if you are a public servant then why is it me who's being fucked so hard in the arse..? At least I can console myself knowing I get a free fuck every day, although unfortunately not quite the way I prefer it!

I await your reply, sitting upon a velvet cushion.

HRH
(hengushrh is found at the Dole office every second thursday, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:45, 7 replies)

Dear NHS
Sometimes people have medicine on repeat prescription because they're fucking sick. I know you feel that it's an inconvenience to supply medication that I need every week for the rest of my life, and you want to decrease the cost. Telling me that I can't have medicine because it's "too expensive"? Seriously, fuck off.

If you could cure it I would buy the cure, but since you're investing all your money into corporate salaries I guess I'm stuck with taking crappy bloody pills with awful side effects for the rest of my life. Don't treat me like I'm being irrational or dramatic about that fact. I repeat: I will be sick for the rest of my life. You will lose a few quid. Poor you.

Lots of love and contaminated kisses etc.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:40, 13 replies)

Dear You,
I know you're never going to read this, so I won't bother telling you.

A Vagabond
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:38, 2 replies)