Many Moons ago
I watched way too much tv. Now I have a computer, and spend too much time on B3ta.

Anyway, my mother would tell me, midway through the 4 hour marathon that was saturday morning cartoons, that if I watched too much tv, my eyes would turn square.

I was still too addicted to stop.
(Armer Farmer, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 21:16, Reply)

babies (origin of)
my mum told me that me and my sister grew in her tummy... when i was about 5, on the way to school one day, i asked her how they came out... she concocted some tale about the womans tummy opening up. I told my sister and she corrected me but i remember thinking that she was wrong, because of what mummy had said..
( redkat, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 20:41, Reply)

I remember...
Watching the film "Witness" and asking my Dad afterwards what religon the people in it were (they were Amish, I know that now before you say)
"Mormon" he says

Then, a while later (i.e. years) a girl at school tells me she's going to become a mormon.
Cue big argument about her giving up electricity, buttons, etc, raising barns and riding around in horse-drawn buggies...

To this day I still don't know:
1) If my Dad deliberately lied, was honestly mistaken or didn't hear my question correctly
2) Anything about Mormons except what I've learnt from South Park...
( GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 20:10, Reply)

going on holiday
my parents never used to tell me I was going on holiday until 2 days before. That said they rarely tell me now so nothing much has changed.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:52, Reply)

lies....all lies....
being ginger, My parents told me that i had black hair when i was born
Until one day when they left me outside in the rain.................
........and i went rusty..
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:51, Reply)

Not me... but my younger sister
When she was about 6 or 7, she happened to stumble across a 'ladies massager' and decided to ask dear mother what it was. She very coolly replied "It's a pen" before snatching it from her claiming that it was 'broken' and might be dangerous to children.
Sorry for crapness... bit of a lurker me
(chrismuzz, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:23, Reply)

Clouds
When I was about 6 by brother ( OK its not my dad but he was older ) told me on a car journey that power stations create clouds, seeing the cooling towers spew clouds into the sky convinced me and I never questioned it.

When doing the water circulation diagram thing at school years later, I told the teacher she was wrong cos until that day I had no cause to question him.
(Doogie Talons, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:17, Reply)

A lie but better than santa
Whenever me or my sister were really sick but before serious enough to phone a doctor, my mum used to phone the magician which somehow always made us a little better.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:07, Reply)

When I Was a Bonny Wee Lad
of about 4 or 5, I found one of Ann Summers finest products in my mums bedside drawer. When I asked her what it was, she told me that it was a sort of practice microphone. Imagine my suprise as, when I started to put the thing closer to my mouth to sing into it, she leapt across the room and snatched it out of my hands telling me that it was a grown ups microphone ! I dont know who was more embarassed, her at the time, or me about 5 years later when I realised what it was....
(sorry bout length - long timer lurker, first time poster)
(Swampy, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:01, Reply)

When I was a kid, I was terrified of the daleks on Dr. Who
and my brother and I used to hide behind the couch when the music came on because we were that scared.
My uncle (who's only 7 years older than us) loved the show and always wanted to watch it, so when the music came on once we went to hide behind the couch and Uncle Rob turns round to us and says "it's not Dr. Who, it's the Tom Baker Show". We watched it from then on!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:24, Reply)

and some more....
My parents used to tell me that the people on the TV could see what you were doing and that they'd tell them.... I still can't undressed in front of the TV without switching it off first.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:20, Reply)

more lies
'Mummy, why is Daddy lying in the hallway?'
'Because he's very tired'..
Not because he'd been out all day on a massive bender and the village drunk had to bring him home!
I managed to convince my girlfriend that Mondeo (as in Ford Mondeo) was mexican for Monday, that they were changing the side of the road vehicles drive on in Ireland, starting with the lorries first, that Jarvis Cockers father is Joe Cocker and that its illegal to drive a tractor on Sundays in Nottinghamshire unless you have a licence from the Mayor of Nottingham.I have a lot of time on my hands and a gullible girlfriend! .... I also told an ex that I'd love and be with her forever and that no i wasn't cheating on her...but thats another story!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:18, Reply)

My mother told me I was conceived
when she was very drunk one night in Milton Keynes and had sex with a gang of meths drinking tramps!
(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:12, Reply)

my dad
once told me when i was about 12 that sex was only enjoyable if you were married. lying git!
(diamondflamer, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:11, Reply)

Hello all
I was at the mall with my mom once, and I showed her the Barbie Powerwheels car(one of those battery operated kiddie cars)that I was going to ask Santa Claus to get for me. My mom told me that Santa would rather have me ride my bicycle.

My grandmother also used to tell me this story about a little boy who wouldn't get out of the bathtub. She said he eventually turned into a goldfish and went down the drain.
(pk, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:05, Reply)

LIES
My dad used to say "get out of bed boy, people die in bed"
He also used to say "women will draw you further than dynamite will blow ya"

He's throwing me out next month tho, cunt
(iain with two eyes, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:00, Reply)

Not really a lie as such, but...
As a youth, I'd never eaten a plum before. Upon asking my father 'What do Plums taste like Dad?', a thin smile curled round on his face, and he replied 'Only women and gay blokes know the answer to that one, son.' Dirty old bugger...
(JoeVOD, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:53, Reply)

my mum
once told me that div kids' parents tell them that when an ice cream van is playing it's music it means it hasn't got any.

I used to guffaw at all those divvies as I scoffed my ice cream.
(cymrococh, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:48, Reply)

Lies lies lies...
When I was 7 my Dad told me that the Ferrari he kept hidden in a shed on my uncles farm would be mine when I was 18. So I took all my mates there and pulled the tarpaulin away to reveal a reliant Robin. He also told me that the new cat he'd bought was called Murder, my Mum corrected him on that one before I could put my foot in it. I had to lie to my mates little girl (age 5) when she asked why I had some Xmas presents for her, I told her that I was best mates with Santa and that because he didn't know if she was going to be at her Mum's or her dad's he'd asked me to deliver the presents specially! and she believed me!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Test-tube babies...
Aged about 6, I asked my parents why some old people had bent over backs. They told me it was because they were test-tube babies when they were younger. I still have to remind myself it was a lie when I find myself wondering why there were so many test-tube babies 80 years ago...
(bozo, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:35, Reply)

My Dummy
When I was very little (about two) my mum told me that Father Christmas had just rung to tell her I was now too old for my dummy and she would have to throw it away. She used this excuse with quite a few things and due to the importantance of staying on the good side of Father Christmas, I'd do it without question.

So when she told me that Father Christmas wasn't real I was annoyed for so many reasons.

Pure evil. Oh well, the jokes on her because guess who's inherited this evil. he he
(emma51, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:35, Reply)

I thought Doggy Style...
...was a type of swimming stroke...

But it is, isn't it?
(Nudger - Back on b3ta having been away since '04!, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:24, Reply)

Ultimate insensitivity
When i was about 6 i was really interested in WW2 and asked my dad what my grandad had done in it. Answer duly supplied, we went to visit the whole family in Poland a couple of days later...

"Grandad? What was it like being in the SS???"

Both my grandparents having spent the war in Dachau, you can probably imagine the reaction. Thing is, to this day my dad refuses to come clean, and I'm still feeling guilty 14 years later! Bastard!
(Res ipsa loquitur, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:16, Reply)

My mum told me...
...that if I didn't stop being bad I would be put into care.

She lied.
( heymister, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:09, Reply)

Not strictly lies...
Poor Mrs Bob, her mum was constantly using made up and mispronounced words instead of the real ones when she was in her formative years, leading to confusion in later life. Obviously this would have caused her considerable gip at school and still on occasion I hear the odd random word pop out; bless.

Examples:
legwarmers = satsumas
washing basket = tumbler
chimley
amblumps
skelington etc, etc
(bob n bev, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:02, Reply)

my mum told me that the tune ice cream vans play
means you should read previous posts so that the same one isn't repeated about twenty times
( Hankster, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:58, Reply)

that tune that ice cream vans play
means they're going to KILL YOUR FAMILY AND ALL YOUR FIRSTBORN
(Yarrrrrrrrrr, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:42, Reply)

Ice Cream Vans
The bloke I sit next to at work has two young children( 3 and 2 years old ).
He has told them that when the ice cream van bells ring, it means that they have run out of ice cream.

I have told him they will grow up to be axe murderers when they are hit with the truth.
(MDH, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:39, Reply)

I dont know if my mum told me this or not
But as a kid, i was convinced that Scampi was a sweeter version of chicken. I found out the truth a few years back.

Going back to fairys (mainly because of my sister, I never really 100% believed in them..
In the garage full of junk, there was a wooden box my mum said was magic, and so every few weeks we'd look in it and there'd be differet interesting old stuff in.

Aparrently according to my mum/sister, the faries lived under the shed so I spent manny scarry nights being dragged by sister dear about in the garden to shove letters and small dresses we made out of pick loo roll under the shed. My mum didnt like the fact that she also believed the faries 8hung out* in the side passage where the bins were and a rusty engine was kept.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:02, Reply)

Fog isn't there
Or rather, fog happens when God gets up late in the morning and hasn't finished making the world...the only bit he's bothered with is the bit around to you and a hazy outline will do for all the far away stuff (unless you want to go up to it and then he'll fill it in.)

I quite like this one,as it made me centre of the universe.I still find myself thinking about fog this way.I cant help it.
(pikey, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 16:00, Reply)