i had a great holiday in miami
apart from the horrific sleazy old surveyor at the delano who was at a surveyors' conference and who was horrific and sleazy. he got talking to my friend about currency exchanges, oh great, now we're stuck with him. a bit later and a bit drunker, he's talking to my other friend about the upcoming election (this was 2008 so everyone was wondering if obama would get in). a lot later and a lot drunker, i somehow get him blabbering on about how he lost 200lbs and his wife still won't sleep with him, so he'd hired 2 hookers and shockingly they had drugged him and nicked his wallet and watch.

clearly having learned his lesson from this experience, he then asked me how much for "an english fourway" with us, offered $200 each (what a fucking insult), and then blurted out, word for word, "so do you girls shave your pussies? or is it true that all english girls are like sherwood forest down there?"

i hope albert enjoys this business trip more than that one...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:40, 3 replies)

Wait, YOU were hooking?
And you drugged some poor bloke and nicked his wallet and watch?
SHAME ON YOU!
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:43, closed)

There's no shame in drugging and robbing creepy perverts.
I'd say it was a moral duty.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:45, closed)

NO! HOW VERY VERY DARE YOU!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:48, closed)

GINGE RAGE!
:D
It's almost like having Gingezilla back.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:49, closed)

Oh come on ... the guy made pocket change giving people lifts on a scooter
do you think he'd turn down $200 to bang his Shepherds Bush against the drooping skinfolds of a lonely salesman?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:45, closed)

i always thought that the whole point of albert was that everyone knew it was all fake
but he enjoyed winding everyone up by pretending to believe it was real.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:48, closed)

See ... I thought that ... but then when you poke him he becomes incredibly defensive.
Posting photographs of a retirement swamp from your hotel balcony is more than a double-bluff wind up. That's proper bonkers.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:51, closed)

i think the defence is part of his wind-up campaign
he probably lives somewhere depressingly normal and boring and does a depressingly normal and boring job with a depressing and normal wife
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)

I refuse to believe this.
He's either a genuine dullwitted property developer who holidays in a swamp. Or he's a deluded fantasist who genuinely wishes he was a dullwitted property developer who holidays in a swamp. Anything else is no fun at all.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:54, closed)

the second one would be much more fun
for once - and this is genuinely a one time only thing - i hope you are right
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:11, closed)

I reckon we all just agree to believe that then.
Save trouble all round.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:12, closed)

ok
i solemnly declare that i believe that he has convinced himself of everything he types
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:16, closed)

Christ almighty
A surveyors' conference? That's not one you want to walk into by accident.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:48, closed)

there were about 200 surveyors there
we didn't know that when we walked in and saw what we thought were lots of nice attractive men.

we soon realised.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:49, closed)

You live in Godalming. Surely you're used to being trapped in a confined place with no entertainment surrounded by surveyors?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)

you can't even say "surrey" without sounding like you're apologising for it

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)

I'm sure there's somewhere nice in Surrey.
Where's Basingstoke? Because that's proper fucking grim.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 19:53, closed)

Not in surrey
you retard
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:00, closed)

No?
To be honest, everything west of the M25 is either airport, unpleasant but unavoidable business parks, or the slow road to Devon and Cornwall.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:03, closed)

Don't get out much
do you
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:06, closed)

Pretty much every night.
I live in a city rather than a retirement village.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:08, closed)

You're out pretty much every night?

What sat in the pub typing on your phone like some kind of Marshmallow saddo? I suppose you're 'out on the town' right now?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:12, closed)

"you're"
And no ... I'm at home now. It's barely 8 o'clock. I realise that's ovaltine and bed time down there in sleepy dullshire.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:14, closed)

Off out later to a 'gig' are we?
A fat 40 something consultant rocking it with the students down at the corn exchange. You're my inspiration.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:35, closed)

just the pub
I'm off to a gig tomorrow though. Shall I put it in the calendar?

I'm sorry that your life is already over but some of us are still quite enjoying ours.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 23:18, closed)

Can we have a photo of the 'gig' and for no reason whatsoever a picture of a Wednesday's newspaper in the shot.
(maggied Riding the Gravy Train on, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 6:59, closed)

I can scribble "pwease believe me b3ta sock puppets! :( :(" on a bar mat if that'll help?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 8:07, closed)

pwease believe me b3ta sock puppets! :( :( Help! I'm having a midlife crisis!
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 8:58, closed)

"abloobloobloo people are having fun and I'm stuck in dreary commuterville blooblubberbloo"
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/03/the-case-for-fortysomething-festival-goers
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:03, closed)

30mins from central london is hardly 'stuck' in the most desirable place in the UK.
But then I'm not going to brag to a messageboard about all the cool gigs I got to because I'm not 14.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:11, closed)

the train from here to London is as quick
and we both know that you never go out in London anyway so your theoretical proximity is entirely academic
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:17, closed)

Do you take the magic fantasy bullet train with Albert
when you go down to play the O2 with your rock band?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:24, closed)

it's about 50 minutes to kings cross or Liverpool Street ... Dullville is the same from Waterloo
really dunno where you're going with this given that you've already whimpered that gigs are for the yoof

It may come as a shock but it's not actually much fun for me to watch a real person getting upset online. Why are you doing this to yourself?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:29, closed)

So upset I didn't have to post a guardian article about how it's 'cool' to be having a mid-life crisis.

And I am yoof, you tragic old man.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 10:22, closed)

fuck ... I can't imagine being young in a commuter village
no wonder you're so up tight
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 11:07, closed)

I bet you can imagine being young though
And you do, for a moment when you close your eyes, at a Phil Collins concert.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 11:39, closed)

dunno what that means soz
I'm not a prematurely old dullard trapped in the commuter belt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 12:51, closed)

Just clicked the link.
Oh dear.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:12, closed)

^ Spluffed his pants over a Lauren Lavern picture.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:50, closed)

it's only natural, studge

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 13:59, closed)

I dunno Doc, I mean, she's no Jenny Powell.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:01, closed)

hummina hummina!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:51, closed)

Yeah!!

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:00, closed)

That is a dead ringer for one of my ex-Admin Blokes.
:/
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:04, closed)

sexy as fuck

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 15:20, closed)

Of course now you're going to have to keep away for a few hours
while you pretend go out and party with the cool kids to complete the Marshmallow-style illusion.

You two are so much more alike than either of you are prepared to admit.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 21:00, closed)

”either of you is"

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 23:19, closed)

I know. There's not a single crack dealer on my road
It's so dull not living under the constant fear of being stabbed when going out to the pub.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:02, closed)

Chertsey sausage

( arsefez is back, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:07, closed)

Soz, grandma.
Didn't want to upset you by reminding you there was a world outside the bland commuter belt.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 20:07, closed)

I forgot Cambridge was the party capital of the world
Well maybe it seems like it if 19 year old grunge twats from Eton are who you try and emulate.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:03, closed)

this is a bit horrible to watch
at least when swipe does this stuff it's obvious banter ... you seem genuinely upset
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:15, closed)

funny
For someone whose entire universe is the b3ta boards
( rofl harris, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:04, closed)

you realise the internet isn't actually a place, right?
/ac
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:20, closed)

Yes, I do
Would seem to be a shame for anyone to devote their entire waking existence to a small part of it, wouldn't it?
( rofl harris, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:28, closed)

telling somebody they're on the internet. on the internet

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:30, closed)

missing the point to avoid looking even more silly

( rofl harris, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 9:57, closed)

But he won't look silly, since a big part of this thread will disappear in a minute
and it will be like it never happened.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 10:26, closed)