Where's the Tits????
hilaryhayton.co.uk/photo_10594099.html
( arsefez is back, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 12:04, 1 reply)

Circle Line pub crawl.
Ever done it?
Turns out the pubs closest to tube stations on the circle line leave quite a bit to be desired.
We got about 10 pubs round, and were feeling less than enthused with carrying on.
"Fuck this", we decide, "let's go to Camden, get a bottle of vodka, drink it and go to a disco!"
So were walking up from Mornington Crescent with a bottle of vodka, but no mixer. Couldn't find a corner shop or mini-market anywhere, so Lee, bless him, decides to ask someone.
He ends up asking a six and a half foot rasta " Excuse me, but do you know where could get some coke?"
"Come with me, boys!" He says, and walks off...right past a newsagents.
You should have seen his face when we explained!
"Piss taking fucking cunts", I'm sure I heard him mutter under his breath as he strode off...
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:57, 2 replies)

How would you sum up b3ta?

( $$ ✅, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:56, 2 replies)

Lets go to...
I was singing along to the old flower power hit "Lets go to San Francisco" and later our five year old started singing "Lets go to Sandwell Disco"!

Well the first school she went to was close to Sandwell!!!
( Vambo, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 10:24, 1 reply)

Well the other week I went to my local hardware store to by some handles for some forks I was repairing.

( rjmrjm, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:45, 2 replies)

In the not too distant past
I read a post on the QOTW where someone tried awfully hard to make a joke regarding free rides with a page 3 girl when the humour would only apply if she was a hooker and also not married.

What a misunderstanding of comedy that was.

p.s. I once misunderstood your mum due to the drivel she constantly spouts and ended up doing her up the wrong-un. She fucking loved it anyway so no complaints from either side.
(Moag_R_Brainbow kicks the mods dog to death out of pity, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:42, 13 replies)

Marriage saved by cloth eared child
Back when my eldest child was still young, I took it for a walk around the park. Whilst there, I made note of the fine posterior of a lady jogger who passed me. I did so quietly, so she'd not know I was a filthy perv.

Unfortunately my child heard me but fortunately, he had a limited vocabulary.

Later on, the missus asked me whether something odd had been happening in our local park. It seems that the little one told her that daddy had seen a "Nice Horse" when they were out.

Marital bullets dodged: +1
(csdaveuk, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 9:36, 17 replies)

Hi Sweeties!!!! xxxxxx
I misread 'post an entertaining story' as 'post interminable, appallingly-written drivel which it is painfully evident has taken hours and hours of time to compose, time which would have been better spent repeatedly hitting my bollocks with a claw hammer'.

THE ROUTE into the accounting profession open must be open to people from all parts of society in order to create a richness and diversity that will keep the profession relevant and create not just accountants, but great business advisers and future leaders.
With increasing frequency we are hearing from our clients how the battle for talent is becoming one of their biggest barriers to growth. It's an issue that is not only moving up the corporate agenda, but also the political one as government seeks to create an environment that will continue to allow the UK to grow and remain competitive on the global platform. The issue is no less serious within the accountancy profession and our historic definition of what this talent looks like that we are seeking to attract, is changing.
Further reading
Firms unite to provide better access to accountancy qualifications
In order to broaden the talent pool, and attract talented young people to the profession, we and others have long recognised that we needed to create a step change. More was needed to improve access to and understanding of what it is to be an accountant and the array of jobs that are available to those from disadvantaged backgrounds across the country that we previously had not engaged with.
The launch of Access Accountancy earlier this year, was demonstration of the profession's commitment to increased social mobility within the profession and the development of a programme that seeks to provide everyone with an equal chance of accessing the profession based on merit, rather than background.
Through this initiative the profession aims to increase the reach into schools through outreach programmes and the provision of high quality work placements. This will help engage with pupils from less advantaged backgrounds who may never have considered pursuing a career in accountancy and have little concept of the scope and size of the opportunities available to those who train in the profession.
If we were to map school engagement it is highly likely that traditionally accountancy firms have been targeting a number of the same schools, unintentionally creating a barrier to entering the profession. If you don't have access to someone in the profession who can share their experience, explain the range of career options, inspire and support you to develop aspirations to be a professional, then you are already at a disadvantage; and so is the profession in terms of the huge pool of talent we are missing out on. The initiative aims to inspire, educate and in turn increase the number of young people who see accountancy as a real career opportunity.
There is already a strong commitment from a wide range of firms and industry bodies nationally and we need to build on this momentum. In order to continue to make a difference we need greater industry commitment. And not just from firms of accountants, but also professionals within industry who can engage with their local schools and provide industry work placements, offering yet another perspective of our diverse and rewarding profession.
The greater the commitment from both private practice and industry in signing up to Access Accountancy, the greater our success. To ensure a truly national outreach programme we need buy-in from business and firms in all areas, especially those with a strong presence outside of London and the other major conurbations.
This way we can truly help develop the profession to reflect the society it serves, unlock and recognise the talent that we have traditionally not tapped into and open the door to anyone who has the talent and desire regardless of background.

Dr Who!!!!!

Bye sweeties!!!!! xxxxxxxxxx
(Good evening. Good evening., Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:58, 11 replies)

There is an old Yorkshire expression "sitting around like cheese at four pence"
If you've not come across it before, it goes back to the days when most people couldn't afford it, and bought the cheaper cheeses. So the cheese at four pence sat around lordly and alone in the shop window.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to stay with my dad and took along a terribly posh friend of mine, the kind who once said in a job jnterview that she "only leaves zone 1 by plane" and managed to get the job. My dad on the other hand is your typical gruff blunt Yorkshiremen. By one of those opposites attract things, made in Chelsea friend and my dad get on like a mansion on fire. So we were sitting there in the evening, waiting for my dad to get ready so that we could go out for dinner. He pops his head around the door and says, "don't you want fizz then?"

"Of course we do," my friend said. "I was wondering where you'd hidden all that champagne."

"Well get on with opening it then. Stop sitting around here like cheese at four pence."

My friend tilted her head to one side, puzzled. "Like what?" she asked. "Like cheese at Fortnums ?"

Seldom has a point been so spectacularly missed.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:53, 119 replies)

Spitting
Five year old daughter came home from school to tell me that a man in a tracksuit had been in the playground at lunchtime teaching them spitting.

Cue an angry telephone call to the headteacher, who calmly explained that the man in question was a football coach, and he had been teaching dribbling.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 8:23, Reply)

In my past life in the 16th century I ws always getting reaming, reeving and reavers mixed up.
With hilarious consequences.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 7:31, 4 replies)

It's going to be a bright bright sunshiny day
I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone....

Never liked her anyway
( arsefez is back, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 7:08, Reply)

Go play with
My daughter named a large doll 'Clarisa' and for 3 years my father thought it was called 'clitoris'.
(maggied Riding the Gravy Train on, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 6:25, 4 replies)

Hit me with your rhythms, Dick.,
I'm still waiting, Dick.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 29 Aug 2014, 1:41, Reply)

haha charlie pride I thought he was singing 'the marbles that you et' lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 0:51, Reply)

haha the macoys I thought they were singing 'hang on snoopy' lol

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 0:49, 1 reply)

when you're learning a new language you tend to guess at the meaning of words
When I was living in Brazil, I figured that natal means birth, as in postnatal, therefore "Feliz Natal" must be "Happy Birthday". It was only after walking into my brother-in-law's birthday party and happily yelling out "Feliz Natal!" in front of a packed room that my wife pointed out it meant "Merry Christmas"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 0:28, 6 replies)

haha peanuts sounds a bit like penis

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 29 Aug 2014, 0:11, 6 replies)

I only asked for a fork on the table.
And the waitress called me a son of a bitch.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:58, 1 reply)

Turns out, the consultant had said 'prick his boil'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:51, Reply)

There was this bloke who misunderstood 'post your amusing anecdotes' as 'creepily stalk posters who once said something mocking about you'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:48, 7 replies)

I was once in a small toy shop in Scarborough...
when a woman walked in and asked the kindly old lady behind the counter if she sold swimming rings. The old lady (who must have been around 70) looked slightly shocked at the request and informed the would be customer that it was "not that kind of establishment and to try the place just down the road."

Now at this point I had just passed quite a large selection of swimming rings, so realizing that there must be some confusion I of course did what anybody would do in that situation.

I hid and watched.

The rest of the conversation is permanently imbued on my brain to the point where it still occasionally makes me laugh at random moments. It went like this:

Customer: But you're a toy shop

Little old woman: Yes dear, but we only do children's toys. The place down the road is very good though.

Customer: What?

Little old woman: Oh yes. Me and my husband are there all the time. They do all sorts of things like what you're after. I was wanting one too, but Frank says the ceiling wouldn't be strong enough in our bedroom.

Customer: Sorry, what are you talking about? I just want a swimming ring for my son

At this point the old lady went bright red with embarrassment, and said quite possibly the greatest two sentences I have ever heard uttered by a pensioner.

"Oh...swimming rings. I thought you said Rimming Swings"
( Furness, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:31, 4 replies)

HOLD ME CLOSER, Tony DANZAAAA!
That's all I've got...
(thanatos, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:14, Reply)

fucking hell

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 23:08, 4 replies)

Apparently what she actually asked me to do was *sit* on the bed.

( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 22:38, 3 replies)

b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post2357272

I was shamefully misheard ON THE INTERNET. I do not think nipples is a good name for a hamster. I think "ugh stick it in the bin" is a good name for a hamster.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 22:19, 14 replies)

4th it in, hard as you like

(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 22:17, Reply)

TURD

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 22:13, Reply)

2nd most misheard Daft Punk lyric


plus a few more... (and no mention of garlic bread)
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 22:12, 1 reply)

'scuse me while I kiss this guy

(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Thu 28 Aug 2014, 21:41, 6 replies)