Cultural whiplash!
I switched the Notorious iPod over to shuffle. After a couple of tracks by the Mediaeval Baebes, it kicked up the Squirrel Nut Zippers. (If you don't know them, go find a copy of "Hot"- they're one of the most leviticusly deuteronomous bands out there.)

I think one of them may need to go.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 30 Jul 2008, 18:21, Reply)

Evening all
Pull up a seat of some sort, give me some beer crack open a beer, and join in the fun.


(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 18:11, 175 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

next thing
to make me laugh and gibber - my friend sally is doing "my single friend". this guy has just emailed her for a date:





"I just want to meet someone who is:

1. smart

2. funny (as in amusing discourse not "ha ha look at the strange incontinent lady with an ASBO anklet chasing cars and screaming at lampposts")

3. very hot

4. not mental (in a clinical sense). (I guess this is also covered by point 2)

I should also probably add that some of my good friend's reportage is not quite accurate. Although I am not going to qualify myself here...

Further, the picture should be explained. It was taken in Florence where I was attempting to emulate a dodgy fountain. Up until this point I promise I had been attentive and serious at all times appreciating the beauty of the Renaissance work of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

So if you fit 1 to 4 get in touch...

UPDATE MAY 07

Hello!!! Please read the above carefully. It's kind of a joke but not really.

Please consider carefully if you meet the above highly objective criteria.

DO NOT get in touch if you: look like a man, are hideously obese, think you have a sense of humour but are in fact so dull you should in fact be euthanized, are a dwarf, do not look like your photo, looked like your photo but this was about 20 years ago before you took hormone injections and started body-building, have massive protruding teeth, think it's appropriate to punch kick or smash glasses on a date when you don't quite get their sense of humour, wear a really bad Margaret Thatcher wig, usually turn up to dates looking like Nosferatu or his favourite gravedigger, think books are obsolete now that TV has been invented, have a drug problem, eat with your mouth open and spit bits of food everywhere, blend in at the farm or zoo, don't usually wear matching shoes, have killed someone and it wasn't self-defence, or enjoy torturing and/or killing pets and/or small animals.

This would really improve matters."



my my, someone has got some major tickets on himself!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:24, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is anyone else
bored of the QOTW stories about electricity/fire/blowing things up?

Surely the b3tans have been far more imaginative than that.

Off topic to my off topic, tis nearly 5pm, w00t.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:59, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

email
just been sent this. made me smile but also gibber gently to myself, thought i'd share it:

London Times obituary
***************************


'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentional but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant, and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason. He is survived by his four stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 15:01, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it me...
... or does Staropramen lager taste of bananas; Becks of raspberry jam; and rooibos tea of baked beans?

Have I now ruined these things for you?

What other things taste the way they oughtn't?

(sort of inspired by www.b3ta.com/questions/experiments/post210853)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:16, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Lard Family
bugger it kev's post in the Pet Hates thread below reminds me:

It all happened while in my local chippy, treating myself to an occasional foray into the world of deep fried foods.

Having ordered my small cod and chips I stood back, breathed in and, eventually, stuffed myself into the corner as the Lard family took up every other part of the chippy, including the counter... their grotesque bellies resting comfortably upon it.

They then ordered (literally):

Mother Lard: "Give me a chicken and chips." "Actually, make that two bits of chicken. Just the one chips, though... watching me weight, ha ha ha."

Master Lard: "One large cod and chips, one kids fish cake and chips and, um, actually, what's the biggest bit of fish you do?" "Yeah, one of them then instead." "No, I still want the fish cake and chips, but with the 1/4 pounder special and chips as well."

Miss Lard: "I want large cod and chips, some kids chicken nuggets and a pickled egg."

Their subsequent discussion confirmed that they weren't ordering for the extended Lard family but looking for enough grease and fat to satiate their immense individual appetites instead.

Now, is it just me, or is it not obvious that ordering two portions of deep fried fish, and chips isn't going to help Mr or Mrs Heart enjoy a long, healthy & clog-free life? Or do these people just not give a shit?
( Moey, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 12:43, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Re: the best ever films QOTW
According to IMDB the Dark Knight is the best ever film now. huh?

www.imdb.com/chart/top?tt0468569
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 12:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

stinking stinking stinking
tube.

i know it's hot. i know the district line is SHIT and slow and overcrowded and doesn't work and bakes everyone to a slow stifling death whilst the gimps who run TFL sit in their air conditioned cars.

but come on, how hard can it be to WASH YOUR FUCKING SELF ? why oh why is the tube full of sweaty men who smell like death? wash your clothes. wash yourself. there is no excuse in the year of our lord 2008 for stinking like a victorian tramp who's never had a bath in his life.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 10:28, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Quarter to nine
And still no one's opened their doors.

Ah, well. In you come.


( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 8:44, 157 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Naked pictures competition
I'm holding a competition. It's only open to female and it has to be complete nudity. Preferably legs akimbo :D. Winner shall be carefully chosen and shall recieve a print off with my sex wee on it. So what are you waiting for. Get snapping!
( RiverBlues Hello, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 23:03, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Americans aren't all stupid
Just most of the ones I've met...

i was speaking to a bloke, who asked me what i'd been most shocked by on enetering the USA. My response, as usual:
The heat. oh, and the insects.
Him: the what?
Me: the insects. I couldn't sleep on my first night here for the noise!!
Him: what?
Me (thinking 'fuckwit!'): well, it was just this constant background noise, which we don't have in the UK.
Him: what did you say was making the noise?
Me: insects?
Him: but i'm sure that's illegal here!
Other postdoc in our lab: she means bugs
Him: Oh!!! I thought you said incest.
Me: Oh ffs.


for the record, I'm joking about american stupidity - it's just a few of 'em :-) the rest are lovely.
( ascorbate, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 22:05, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Too late for "Accidental Innuendo"...






There are some frightening things online...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:04, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My holiday with a difference
I'm in the process of planning my holiday for this year and I need your help. I'm going to buy a 7-day All Line Rover ticket and travel around Great Britain taking photographs of stuff.

Most of these will be pictures that can be put on Wikipedia, and will more than likely be made up mainly of trains, stations, and stuff within walking distance of stations.

I'm inviting requests and suggestions, either as replies to this post or at my talk page on Wikipedia.

• More information

• Talk Page for requests, questions and comments.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:01, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello
Anyone here?


( girlinthehole, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 18:35, 122 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pet hates.
I remember there was a QOTW on this once. I've just encountered something that brought it all back. So if you've discovered any new ones, as I have, please feel free to share.

First off, email insincerity. Might seem oddly specific as insincerity in general is enough to wind most people up, but I reserve a special withering hatred for people who are insincere in emails. What do they think I'm going to be able to do to them?

This is split into two sub-categories. Firstly, implied insincerity through being a grammatical mongoloid and secondly, deliberate attempts to avoid saying what they actually mean.

Examples:

My boss has a habit of putting an ellipsis where he means to put a full stop e.g. "thanks, mate..."

An ellipsis has two meanings as a form of punctuation, that I'm aware of. Firstly that there is more information coming. Well, it's the end of an email, so clearly there isn't. The email has ended. The second is that it's occasionally used to convey a sarcastic response, where the added information is said mentally. "Thanks, mate...*yeah, for nothing*"

Intentional insincerity comes in mostly the same form as it does when spoken. For example "I don't mean to be rude, but" or "I'm sorry, but". No, you are not sorry and you do mean to be rude. What you are doing is attempting to avoid responsibility for the punch that I'm going to desperately want to give you after you've finished telling me whatever it is that I'm not going to want to hear. Over email, it's all the more galling as there's absolutely no threat of reprisals. What are they afraid of? That I'll send them a strongly worded response?

*gnashes teeth*
( Kroney, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 17:35, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

As we're on question time here...
How long is an iPod battery supposed to last? How many hours should I be able to run my iPod between charges? In four hours I've used over half the battery- is that normal? I thought they used less power than that...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 29 Jul 2008, 16:06, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Use irony and a paradox in the same sentence.
It's not as easy as you think.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:45, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Non-stick kitchen stuff
In my recent shift from hard-drinking party animal to domesticated homebody, I have recently discovered something that irritates me. Now, granted, this might well be a result of the cheapo pans I have, but the only thing that doesn't seem to stick to the non-stick coating is, in fact, the pan itself. Food will stick right on there, no problem, but the coating will come away in the washing up bowl.

Are there any cooking types out there who can tell me how much I'm going to need to spend to ensure my pans actually function as advertised?
( Kroney, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:17, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Having caught up with most of the replies to both the 50 word epics and the Criteria stories from yesterday
I was really impressed by all the entries. There are some very talented writers that post to b3ta. I'm particularly glad that now we've got the Off Topic board more people are posting stuff that would normally never see the light of day.

I've got further ideas for other writing games to keep everyone entertained and looking as if they're really working.

I had a go at the first suggestion for a story made by Bert yesterday - I only got about 400 words in and it's a first draft. I intend to go back to this and write some more for it although in all honesty I haven't decided yet quite what it is that I'm writing here but that's the fun of writing for me.

Anyway, it's in the reply.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:17, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

someone at my girlfriend's place of work has just claimed
that if you put an ice cube in a microwave and turn it on it won't melt, as microwaves heat the food not the water in the food

....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 12:42, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

@bgb
so does the man have to make the bruschetta? or just feed it to you once you have made it?

maybe i should up my standards from "wants a man who won't wipe it on the curtains and fall asleep"...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 11:09, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is anyone else feeling particularly old at the moment?

I found myself at 9.00pm on Friday night in the kitchen doing the washing up, so I put the radio on; I pretty much only listen to Radio 4 these days. A play was just starting - one of a series to mark three decades since the height of punk. I was loathe to listen to this but as a pretty-well captive audience, I stuck with it. It was, needless to say, a pile of wank, sprinkled with bursts of punk songs, all, if I am not much mistaken, available on a cheapo CD called: '1977 - The Spirit of Punk', which I bought in moment of weakness at Tesco last year, to give me a boost in the car on the way in to work.

So anyway - THREE DECADES since I was a short-arsed little Grimsdale, pogo-ing away at Dingwalls, the Marquee, the 100 Club etc. Three decades...and now, not only do they produce plays about the era for bleedin' Radio 4, but the local Tory MP states on his website: "...Graham has a wide range of interests from football to economics, climate change to motorcycling, mental health to punk rock." He's a year older than me...

I used to think (rightly!) that having been a punk at the right time made me a bit cooler than the average Dad, now I see myself as being a bit like those old blokes that used to sell the Evening Standard outside Tottenham Court Road tube who still had their Teddy Boy quiff fashioned from their scant, grey hair.

Cheer me up someone. Please.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:43, 63 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fresh from my band's gig the other day
an exciting photo

that's me on the left.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 9:14, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Thunderbolts and lightning
Very, very fright'ning.

Actually it's just been ordinary rain here, but I hear the south had a bit of flash and bang last night.

How are we all this morning?


( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 8:38, 183 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

*Smoke bomb*
You saw nothing.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 29 Jul 2008, 5:59, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)