Fuck it, I'm bored but too lazy to read that previous thread
While I was in Glasgow I had to pop to Sainsbury's at 8am after realising that I'd forgotten to bring toothpaste. The place was absolutely barren, it was like something out of 28 Days Later. Then I discovered why - the alcohol aisles were cordoned off, the barriers bearing the message "Scottish licensing laws prohibit the sale of alcohol at this hour".

I was stunned. Who knew Scotland had licensing laws?

What's flabbergasted you lately?

Also, this isn't links, but I'm sure Monty, at least, will appreciate this; www.savethewords.org/
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:22, 70 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I went straight to Odynometer
And dreamt about calibrating it on my boss.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:25, Reply)

How was the journey there??

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Horrific
Three changes, no signal, lots of waiting in freezing conditions, door-to-door of about 11 hours. Way back was much the same, but with the added bonus that the delays meant I couldn't get to London in time to see Pendulum.

Frankly, if I hadn't won I'd have been absolutely devastated and not a little irate
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Good job you did then!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:32, Reply)

I was flabbergasted
That two Radio 4 presenters and a Minister managed to say the word 'cunt' on air on Monday and the Mail hasn't demanded ANY of their heads on a stick.

But John Bercow is supremely hilarious in this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGac-c9nhvQ
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:31, Reply)

That's brilliant, thank you sir.
I homed straight in on 'mingent' adj: discharging urine

My day has been enriched immensely.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:39, Reply)

My life would be enriched immensely
if I could accurately describe my penis as 'dodrantal.'
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Gutted

(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I fear a sizeable chunk of my life is going to be spent on that site.
'gleimous': slimy, full of phlegm

Marvellous
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:53, Reply)

This is fucking hilarious:
www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0084/0084_01.asp

'their tragic lives prove there isn't anything gay about being "gay"...'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 11:58, Reply)

HA!
"Good Lord, I can't believe my eyes, we can't publish this. It's filthy!"
"I'M GOING TO VOMIT!"

*narrows eyes*
And how did you come across this, Master Boyce?

EDIT: Hang on, I think I was handed one of these "tracts" outside Clapham Junction station, containing a little comic strip explaining how homo sapiens couldn't possibly have evolved from a primitive ape ancestor because we didn't have tails and god said so.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:01, Reply)

I googled 'cartoon that might help The Supreme Crow realise his life is one of SIN'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

1st result - Scooby Doo

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

Jinkies!
Edit: I'd have thought it would be "Trap Door," but you can never tell, can you?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

indeed
or perhaps "ZOINK!"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

hahahah
'the homosexuals wearied themselves, trying to find the door'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

FNAR FNAR.
See also the hypocrisy between their condemnation of the residents of Sodom saying "Send them out that we might know them (sexually _{just in case their was any ambiguity about it})"
and then telling people right at the end:
"Read your Bible...every day to get to know Jesus Christ better." Fucking perverts.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

OH MY GOD!
Don't let Crow see that. He'll be renouncing before we can say "Bumder Alert".

Edit: Too late. Bugger. That'll teach me to refresh more often.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

"Bugger" is exactly the word you're looking for...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:05, Reply)

word sex act
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:06, Reply)

Have you seen the Dungeons & Dragons one?
Fucking amazing. And pointless. Jesus doesn't like D&D? Who cares? What's important is that GIRLS don't like D&D.

EDIT: I don't want to be Elfstar any more, I want to be Debbie!
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Is it on the same website?
I'm having trouble finding it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Out of print, I have tracked down a link.
See above.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

That is absolutely fucking hilarious.
(At least, I am assuming that D&D has not had quite the same ill-effect on your life...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:21, Reply)

I've only played D&D once, true story.
It was shit so I stopped.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:28, Reply)

Same here.
Some of my brother's friends played it. I had a look - it was fucking terrible. The end.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:31, Reply)

You should be employed to tour schools and colleges to explain this to the youngsters.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:38, Reply)

I'm with Jesus on this issue.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

A much more persuasive argument

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

What have I missed today?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

Not very much
/ot is slower than a sloth dipped in treacle today
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

The price of apple stuff
Pink ladies are shooting up in price, apple sauce is being marketed as a premium item and the delta between the price of granny smiths and golden delicious' is growing ever wider. It's a travesty and I smell price fixing. The apple industry needs greater clarity and some serious investigation.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I accept this challenge
*goes off to drink cider*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:04, Reply)

I guess it has a dominant position in the fruit world.
Which other has a pie, crumble, juice, tart, turnover & sauce.
Whilst it has had limited success in the jam market and has made virtually no penetration into the pavolva segment, it has to be said that the apple is the Tesco of the fruit world.
(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:08, Reply)

I like your thinking, young man
To be successful in these markets, I suggest a merger betwixt the apple and blackcurrant camps
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:09, Reply)

'Penetration' and then 'pavolva'?
Freudian slit, perchance?
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Very good.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:16, Reply)

Alright Brian?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:33, Reply)

I must confess that my flabber is seldom gasted these days. Probably due to being an old git who is quite accepting and generally expects little of people.

I'll have to look at the words thing properly later as I've got fair amount of work that I need to pretend to do.

On word related stuff, how about a B3ta guide to Uxbridge English?

Apricot - Where a baby sleeps before going into their cot.
(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:03, Reply)

Diagnostic - a pair of non-believers

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Apple - wank

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Shower - Present visual evidence to a lady - As requested by Ray Winstone.
Shah - A brief period of rain in Knightsbridge.
(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Retard - Very difficult in Yorkshire.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Very good!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Claps - of Bristolians, to fall over

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

Spartan - Cheap cosmetic skin colourant from the local shop.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I can't stop myself, now
Antelope - Your Mum's sister's inelegant style of walking.
(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:19, Reply)

Or possibly what star crossed lovers with disapproving parents do in the ant world.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:21, Reply)

Beer can - cured pork beloved by the Rastafari

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Semitic - A Hebrew teacher's method of showing that a pupil's answer is nearly right when marking their homework.

(Cave Duck, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Escape
Not her cape.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:30, Reply)

Aporrhoea
reinforces my belief that all words ending in -rrhoea are bad things.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:12, Reply)

I am currently in the process of being flabberghasted
I've got a call open with BT regarding one of our sites with network issues. The call (logged online) has been updated to say that an engineer's due to visit. I thought I'd better find out when he was going to be there since as they currently don't have any network, the staff have moved to another site. I confess that I thought that it might be useful to make sure there'd be somebody onsite to open the door for him.

After I got through to somebody (five minutes worth of phone ringing) and explained my problem, I was put on hold (three minutes). I was then asked when the appointment had been made for the engineer to visit. I pointed out that this was why I called. I said that there was no information on the online call and that I would need to make sure somebody was there to let the engineer in. I was put on hold (two minutes) before being given the information about the previous engineer that visited yesterday. No, I want to know about the engineer that's due to visit, not the one that's already visited. I get put on hold again (3 minutes) and then get told that my call will be escalated to find out why it's taking so long.

After explaining that I'm not trying to make a complaint, I just want to make sure somebody will be there to receive the guy I get put on hold once more (5 minutes) and then am told that he could be onsite now for all they know and to call back tomorrow after 10am so that the engineer has time to update his notes.

To summarise, I should call back tomorrow to find out when today's engineer is going to visit.

SInce hanging up, the site's started responding again.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I have been flabbergasted by the cheek of an ebay buyer
He emailed me 2 weeks ago saying everything ok and now wants his money back but he is refusing to return the item until he has a refund. I think he's fucked it and wants me to foot the bill. He's opened a dispute, what a cunt!
( Peej, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:15, Reply)

He'll have a job
if he's withholding the item, that's against ebay regs.
( Kroney, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:19, Reply)

I want Bert to comeback for an afternoon so we can have some excitement.
I wonder if he can be summoned like the Candyman?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:20, Reply)

Post a picture of yourself dressed as a 12 year old girl.
That will probably work.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:25, Reply)

god that would be some seriously specialist porn if I did that. yuck yuck.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:26, Reply)

Please don't

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:27, Reply)

I said dressed, not undressed.
Do include a lollipop though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:28, Reply)

I read that as Berk
and thought you were being a level 15 creepy panda.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:34, Reply)

That's one of the things about this place which annoys me.
Everyone is so "OH MY GOD, [phsyco] IS BACK ! LOOK ! [new name] IS PHSYCO", and if it's true, they get banned straight away, before anyone can have fun.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Shut up, Bert.

( Kroney, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:39, Reply)

i have to say
i agree with this.

i got some very amusing, if totally disturbingly fictitious, panda gazzes from "the cat hater", for example.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:40, Reply)

Post them.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:42, Reply)

i'll gaz you if you like

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:53, Reply)

Did you bring enough for everyone?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Yes please.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Me tooo!

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Afternoon Bob.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 8 Dec 2010, 12:43, Reply)