fucking hell
our "unclaimed mail" just announced that someone has a gourmet chocolate pizza (ie chocolate shaped and coloured to look like a pizza, not a chocolate flavoured pizza) delivered with no name on it. this is the same thing kitty was talking about the other week. the temptation to claim it, on a scale of 1-10, is 137.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 14:49, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I saw some of these in Fenwicks yesterday - they look lovely!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 14:56, Reply)

I stole the downstairs office's graze box once
no one noticed. STEAL THE PIZZA
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:18, Reply)

you thieving bint

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:21, Reply)

I left them there for 3 days and they remained unclaimed.
I regretted stealing the wasapeas.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

no way
those are the best thing they do, although their olives are pretty magnificent as well.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

I liked the yoghurt covered cranberries.
Waitrose were giving away packets of nuts and seeds, my rat loves them.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)

Fnarr

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:33, Reply)

I've told you before about calling it your rat
and that you shouldn't shove food up there
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:35, Reply)

the problem is that here
it gets locked in a cage in the post room
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:27, Reply)

you need:
1. boltcutters
2. gloves
3. mask
4. catsuit

then you can undertake a heist.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I'm fairly sure you can think of a way to bribe the postboy

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:30, Reply)

or just lie
yes yes i did order that.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)

"Unclaimed Male Department"
AKA "Off Topic"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:20, Reply)

All the good ones are claimed.
And one prefers dogs.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:22, Reply)

Aint dat da troot

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

i can think of one or two (or one)
that is single and very decent
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:25, Reply)

Noel?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:26, Reply)

There are exceptions to every rule young man.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Yes and he's sort of claimed too ; )

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:26, Reply)

gossip??????

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:35, Reply)

Eh?

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:39, Reply)

She's asking who has claimed this single decent man

(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

I know.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:47, Reply)

So the eh? was a deliberate divertion from the question.
Sneaky I like it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:48, Reply)

Thank you : )
But it's not me btw!
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:50, Reply)

I don't consider any user on here to be either single or decent.
So I have no idea who it is.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:53, Reply)

*ahem*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)

couple of points
1. male
2. decent
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:40, Reply)

I am male, biology confirms this
And I'm a decent enough guy, I just enjoy making stupid jokes.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

My local Italian does Pizza Nutella

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:22, Reply)

Blurgh!
Why do people have to mess with perfectly good food.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Pizza, or nutella?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Both, it sounds like.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:26, Reply)

Nutella is vile

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:39, Reply)

ask the guy who invented toast
you: "that bread is perfectly good, why are you messing it?"
toast-man: "just bear with me, this is going to be awesome"

if you had your way we wouldn't have toast. YOU BITCH
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:25, Reply)

I like this
Mainly because I like toast and you make a good point.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:28, Reply)

I'm all about experimentation

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)

I'm all about knowing when to stop experimenting and get to eat the damn thing.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I agree that chocolate on pizza is a step too far

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:36, Reply)

Thank you.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:38, Reply)

I don't like chocolate though.
And I fucking love pizza, so it just seems like an abomination on a plate to me.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:40, Reply)

I didn't say cooking it.
I said messing with it.
( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)

it's the same thing

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:33, Reply)

Isn't.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:36, Reply)

I'd rather ask the the first guy who milked a cow what he was up to at the time

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:30, Reply)

I think that about egg

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)

You can't milk eggs silly.

( girlinthehole, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Oh come on
it's perfectly natural to cook and eat chicken period
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)

You'd be amazed how much referring to something as 'period' can put people off food
I referred to Jam Roly Poly as 'Period Pie', my friend now hasn't eaten it in 5 years, simply because of that.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:42, Reply)

I know of several ways to put people off food for life
It's a fun game to play.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

I'm happy to report that none of them would work on me
I eat Doner meat sober, I think that's a good indicator of how little I care where it comes from.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:47, Reply)

It only works on the squeamish
Let's just say my sister banned cottage cheese from the house after I compared it to several things.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:51, Reply)

*Drops spoon in disgust*

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:48, Reply)

"Hey, Ug, what's that you're drinking?"
"Well, I pulled on the dangly bits of that thing that goes moo and drank what came out."
"Why? Because the little things that go moo suckle on that as our little ones suckle at their mother, so you figured that what comes out of the dangly bit must be good for you?"
"Er... Yeah. Yeah, because it could be good for you. And not for any other reason at all. No sir."
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:37, Reply)

How did they know to pull it?
I imagine they too would have suckled.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:39, Reply)

"Hey, this one's only got one dangly bit!"

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

it's not suckling like a baby would
baby cows are quite a bit bigger and more powerful, so the suckling is the same.

You pull and squeeze when you milk a cow.

I'm fairly sure that milking machines just do the squeezing, with a bit of suction,
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Yes, but the first person to milk a cow wouldn't know that

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:47, Reply)

they could reason as much
just because people were less advanced technologically and such, doesn't mean they were retards.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Yes, but if pulling and sqeezing didn't work to obtain lady milk
why would they think it would on cow milk?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:54, Reply)

because of the different shape of the teat
and the observation of a baby cow acquiring the milk
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:57, Reply)

You are thinking too much about this.
And as much as I would like to stay here and discuss whether Stone Age people sucked cows off or not, I'm off to work.

(expect me back online in five minutes)
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

it hasn't required any real thought
also, I'm really fucking bored
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 16:01, Reply)

Or probably killed a cow and drunk the milk from the udder
then later realised they didn't have to kill the cow.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:56, Reply)

There must be a farmer, somewhere, who, on a cold lonely morning in the milking shed thought to himself:
"It squeezes and sucks, eh?" *zip*

And then shortly after:

"OH GOD! OH, THE UNIMAGINABLE PAIN! SO MUCH BLOOD!"
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:52, Reply)

Imagine explaining that one at A & E

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:58, Reply)

How many bovines do you think he had to go through
until he found a female?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:39, Reply)

I imagine they probably knew the difference

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:41, Reply)

I was attempting humour
attempting
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:44, Reply)

*slowly shakes head*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:46, Reply)

Ah, sophisticated Liverpool!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Watch it!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:42, Reply)

Claim it.
We got one as a housewarming gift and it was fucking lovely.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)