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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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New thread because everyone in the last one is a complete fucking bender who I hate.
Suggest comical ways in which I could disgrace myself at Lusty's works Xmas do tonight.

If I like any of the suggestions enough I promise to carry them out.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:42, 128 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Propose to her

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:43, Reply)
This, on the mic.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)
And then get the DJ to come back in afterwards
with 'On the Wings of Love' by Jeffrey Osborne.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:48, Reply)
I suggest singing Robbie Williams Angels to her
then when it finishes whispering to her through the mic, "you're my angel babe"
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:09, Reply)
I reckon she'd really like that.
I could give her a teddy bear from Clintons Cards as well. Or is that 'too much'?
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:11, Reply)
Box of chocolates from Thorntons
as well. And don't forget the garage flowers
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)
STOP MAKING ME CRINGE AT MY PAST
*pays the teacher £1 to 'deliver' the pressents*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:23, Reply)
Whenever she's having a conversation with someone else
tap her on the shoulder and say, "guess what... I luv u"
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:14, Reply)
My first suggestion
is a classic Lord's prayer wank, but there's definitely better I can think of
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)
No one here is that pretty.
www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1340969/NHS-Direct-breaking-point-Flu-patients-waiting-2-days-help.html
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:44, Reply)
There's only one thing for it.
A tear-stained Lord's Prayer masturbatory act.

EDIT: Amberl you doyle
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:45, Reply)
alright Bodie?

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:47, Reply)
I had to google that; before my time.
But yeah I'm alright thanks.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)
Before my time as well
but a very good show
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)
I may give it a watch
How could I not with such a raving endoursement?
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:55, Reply)
If you have a 99p Store
near you, they sell all the series for 99p each.

Funny that.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:58, Reply)
what? really?
Please tell me this is true!
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:04, Reply)
It is
If they're not at your local I'll grab you them if you want? I might post them to you with some lube.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)
That would be fantastic!
I already own season 1 and 3 (bought them from HMV for £10-15 each) but getting the rest would be great. The lube won't be necessary, I'm already slipping down my seat at the thought
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:19, Reply)
*bokes*
*mind bleach*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:44, Reply)
haha sorry
I'm not quite that excited, but still seasons 2+4 would be a bonus
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:52, Reply)
One of the best.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:55, Reply)
*Professionals high five*

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:03, Reply)
There was a great episode on the other day
about a safe-cracker who'd lost the will to carry on robbing and effectively grassed himself up.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)
Try and trade your body for a promotion for your other half. With everyone.
Edit:

Alternatively, if you have a runny nose, let the snot slowly drip onto your top lip and slurp it off at every opportunity, two year old style.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:48, Reply)
Why don't you really throw her and act like the charming, friendly, funny and endearing person you really are.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:49, Reply)
You have definitely got me mixed up with someone else.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)
Pfft!

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:54, Reply)
Behave impeccably
dress in a smart suit, and be charming to everyone. Do all this with your zip undone and no pants on
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:50, Reply)
Me, later:

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)
Remain entirely sober throughout.
Politely decline free booze and MDs.

Lusty will be shitting herself within half an hour.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:50, Reply)
Or get utterly, utterly hammered and dance to Lady Gaga.
In fact I may just have to make sure that there's someone with a camera standing by in case this happens.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:51, Reply)
If it's a posh sit down dinner thing use the desert spoon for eating your soup.
Say "That's what she said" after everything any other person says.
Talk only in the third person.
Leave copies of 'The Watchtower' on every table.
Refuse to use any other drinking receptacle than a flower vase when approaching the punch bowl. Bonus points if the flowers are still in the vase.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:52, Reply)
Yeah! like he's ever going to stoop so low as using the wrong cutlery.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:58, Reply)
I did think 'Good God that's barbaric!'

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)
It certainly is
Which is why it'd be perfect.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:01, Reply)
Turn up in your "party" outfit
on a pony carriage pulled by skinheads in stripey pyjamas, occasionally spray aftershave on yourself from a metal jar with "Eau de ZB" written on it, whilst trying to sell a lampshade that you desparately claim is made of human skin when in fact it is from Ikea.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)
This is good stuff.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)
Don't forget to write 88 on your forehead
and 14 on both your hands. I want to come now, just to see this.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:56, Reply)
Free bar all night Jimmer - I FEAR FOR THE WELLBEING OF OTHERS.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:57, Reply)
It is a danger that I have all too often become
fraught with myself. I advise eating a big stodgy meal before hand, so when you do eventually chunder everywhere, it's just that bit more spectacular.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:01, Reply)
Speak in a German accent all night.
Just as your about to leave, do a nazi salute to everyone. Tell eveyone you have a cat called Himmler.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:53, Reply)
Keep putting your hand on her tummy
and refusing on her behalf when anyone hands her an alcoholic beverage.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:56, Reply)
Hahahaha
officelol
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:57, Reply)
I was about to say "Let's see how long until she punches him"
but he beat me to it.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:02, Reply)
I don't want a broken nose, Roots.
I'm too handsome - it would be a crime against nature.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:59, Reply)
It would be so funny though

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:03, Reply)
Is that like an onion, only more fun?
EDIT: Black belt in Ninjutsu, eh?
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:03, Reply)
Ah-sooooo

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:05, Reply)
What did you just call me?
You're a fucking 'ah-sooo' an' all, mate.

*squares up*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)
*boots in stomach*

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:11, Reply)
*Boots in the High Street*

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)
*here's mud in yer eye*

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)
Spunk on her tits

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 13:57, Reply)
Nah! spunk on her boss's tits.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)
Spunk on EVERYONE'S tits

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:00, Reply)
Nah!
Produce a pair of joke shop breasts, put them on, hop up onto the bar for a quick 'Our Father Shuffle', and at the climax, spunk on my own tits.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:01, Reply)
I'm pretty aroused right now

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)
Be extremely touchy
tell everyone about that special thing she does with her tongue
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)
Before pulling out a trombone and winking knowingly

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:13, Reply)
Pretend to be foreign
and act faintly bewildered. Constantly tug at Lusty's sleeve and say 'you pay me now yes?'
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:10, Reply)
do this behind everyone
www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_luA5rUEtE

give the thumbs up and say oh yeah baby a lot
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)
I do that all the time anyway.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:32, Reply)
Dress and act like Mick Jagger circa 1967...
...and if anyone wishes you a merry xmas call them 'infidel scum' before shaking your cock at them and walking away without explanation.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:20, Reply)
inspired by this
I think dressing in traditional Islamic dress and ensuring you always walk at least one step ahead is the right message to send out
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:22, Reply)
Put on a Cuban accent...
...and if anyone questions who you are say you were asked to 'help with the party' per the Managing Director. Then do a theatrical look around, a couple of loud 'sniffs', then tap your nose a few times whilst winking before showing them pictures of children and asking if 'they are in'.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:30, Reply)
Join conversations and say 'yeah, yeah, yeah!' with great enthusiasm...
...as soon as anyone starts a sentence. If someone says someting funny wait 30 seconds, repeat it out loud and then laugh like a retard with bubbles. (For maximum effect be seen to be pee your pants and cry.)
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:35, Reply)
ha

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:36, Reply)
Whenever she starts to talk to someone...
...stand behind her and hold up a small sign saying "Stay away from my bitch or you're fucking dead!"
Do not let her see the sign.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:40, Reply)
talk about your crush, Cameron Diaz
how you've seen all of her movies, and can quote every line, how you have that bit of spaghetti left from her plate when she ate at that place in new york, a lock of her hair, a clipped fingernail.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:41, Reply)

nail for added freakiness
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Just do what my father does and use words that are no longer socially acceptable
like "Jewess" and "Mongoloid"
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:44, Reply)
My mother once loudly proclaimed
that she'd seen 'the most beautiful negro in the High Street today'.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:48, Reply)
My Grandfather thought that Trevor MacDonald was "Well spoken for a darkie"

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:53, Reply)
He was bang on the money, your grandfather.
Mine claimed that 'the Chinese are turning Toronto into a miniature Lebanon' once.

Eh???
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)
'Mongoloid' is best said in a robotic voice similar to Stakker Humanoid...
Like in this...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0Fg0QGRtnQ
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:50, Reply)
I like the Snowman mix.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy8_kdeS02E

Ah, the good old days. How I miss them.

*melancholy*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)
I just grabbed a copy and now my kids are dancing to it.
*smiles*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:56, Reply)
Have you got that Humanoid LP of odds & sods?
Positive Electron is a fucking TUNE:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqgvMylznLo
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:06, Reply)
I was always quite partial to that mix

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:13, Reply)
It just screams 'massive drugs' to me.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:16, Reply)
I liked a lot of the early Brian Dougans stuff before FSOL all got a bit noodley for my tastes
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivmnda7l8tc&feature=related
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:17, Reply)
They've just done a 'psychedelic' record.
I've not heard it but it might be OK I suppose.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)
That is quite seizure inducing
*foams at mouth*
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:55, Reply)
*Passes bottle of water*
*Stares with saucer eyes*
Top one mate
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:08, Reply)
I had such a good time in those days I actually feel really sad thinking about it.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:12, Reply)
The 8 o clock drop whilst watching the bill :((((((

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:14, Reply)
I am really quite depressed.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:15, Reply)
Well yeah it's only downhill, those days aint coming back

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:18, Reply)
I feel sorry for today's kids*.


*because I am a remorse-wracked paedo.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:31, Reply)
Remove your right shoe without her noticing
give her a playful hoof up the cunt. Loudly exclaim "Look at that! Your clopper's eaten my shoe!"
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:45, Reply)
oh. my. god.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Do Rolf Harris' Jake The Peg routine
Using your own natural "third leg"
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:46, Reply)
Constantly refer to her as 'sugar-tits'.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:52, Reply)
act like she's really a man
"he does the cutest things" "I love him" etc
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:53, Reply)
I may do this one. I think I'm cheeky enough to make it work.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:55, Reply)

cheeky bent
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:58, Reply)
At some point you should totally ask lusty when she's going to get a proper job

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)
office lol

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:03, Reply)
he doesn't need all his teeth after all

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:07, Reply)
I can always get some more.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:14, Reply)
What does she do?

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:17, Reply)
She performs unnecessary prostate examinations on camels.

For no pay.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:27, Reply)
Just blacken yourself up with boot polish
And call all the white folk 'dem honkeys'
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:16, Reply)
and keep dropping to one knee and bellowing 'Mammy'...

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)
hahahaha

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:33, Reply)
Just be yourself.
That usually works.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:22, Reply)
*cries*

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:28, Reply)


(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:29, Reply)
There there
/Jeff
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:34, Reply)
Only joking...
But if you sing 'angels' to me or kick me in the fanny I will have to steal all of your MDs and never speak to you again.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:36, Reply)
if you took all of his MDs you'd be incapable of speaking again. To anyone. Ever!

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:41, Reply)
I can make no honest promise
not to do either of those things - perhaps I could segue from 'Angels' into Carl Douglas' perennial hit 'Kung Fu Fighting', and then kick you in the fanny during the instrumental breakdown?
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:41, Reply)
And they say romance is kicking your missus in the fanny.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:42, Reply)
Your imaginary dinner will be in our imaginary dog.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:50, Reply)
Oh come on.
It'll be more of a symbolic kick in the fanny than a full-on 20-yard run-up toe punt job. I genuinely don't see what the problem is here.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:53, Reply)
Feet should not go near fannies!

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:56, Reply)
Tell that to Dane Bowers.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Careful.
Athlete's Cunt is a bastard to shift.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 17:31, Reply)
if anyone asks "What do you do?"
Inform them you are a performance artist and you are currently
interviewing\auditioning for assistants in your breast juggling act.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:52, Reply)
That's how I met my first wife.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:55, Reply)
Regale all her colleagues
with intrepid stories of your last tour of duty as an army medic. If this impresses them, tell them about your planned expedition to the South Pole, and did you mention you can fly a Harrier jumpjet?
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:55, Reply)
....and how that wrist looks a bit nasty and do they want you to take a quick look at it, gratis?

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:56, Reply)
Depends how far you want to take it, obviously,
but if you are going to be arrested for "fraudulently impersonating a medical professional," then you might as well slip a cock photo into your 'patient's' handbag as the ambulance men take her away.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:02, Reply)
Whenever someone mentions Christmas
try and work the phrase "birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ" and into the conversation.
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)
wear sunglasses throughout

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)
And in tippex write 'fuck' on one lens and 'off' on the other.

(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)
Presumably her boss will be called upon to make some speech about what a nice year it's been and somesuch similar bollocks
If so, what better festive jape to play than to march up to him/her and interrupt him/her with,
"Sorry [grumpy old fart/harridan], I'm sure you're a lovely [bloke/old dragon/child molester], and I'mma letchoo finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of ALL TIME."
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 16:20, Reply)

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