End of the world
I didn't think it was likely, but I have, just this minute stumbled past a headline to the effect that James "apparently being a fat gobby cunt is all it takes to make the drivelling ASDA-economy-vodka-soaked masses laugh like lobotomised donkeys" Corden is to get married. To a live human female.

This must surely signal the coming of the final battle for Mageddo?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:01, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Did he not bung one up Sheridan Smith at some point?
I think this gives hope to talentless fat fucks everywhere.
( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:06, Reply)

Women like funny men.
Truefact!
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:08, Reply)

My dogs got no nose. How does it smell? Terrible!
Do we fuck now?
( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

OK
Did I mention I have breasts.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Nice one, have they got names?

( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Yes!
Morecombe and Wise.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

That explains the name of this film then
www.youtube.com/watch?v=X09_msnoMkY
( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

I remember watching that.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

And charming
don't forget that.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)

Too much charm can be a bit off putting though.
Nigel Havers style.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

I'm sure he's fucked his way through Surrey.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

I'm currently in Surrey and Nigel Havers is hanging out the back of me as I type this

( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

this

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I can't believe I'm 36 and I've only just been told this.
No wonder I'm single.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

Woman cannot live by cider and curry alone.
We need a giggle now and then.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

*Makes notes*
Any more advice?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Don't talk about football.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

What else is there to talk about?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

sex, probably

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Each other.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

That won't work.
Girl: 'So, you like football then?'
Bloke: 'So, football, it doesn't float your boat. Fancy a cider?'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

*gives up*

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:39, Reply)

She's funny looking
but not funny
(PsychoChomp, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:08, Reply)

The thing that worries me about Sheridan Smith
Is the facial resemblance she bears to Iron Maiden's Dave Murray in his younger years.

EDIT: Evidence for the jury

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:10, Reply)

The thing that worries me about you
is that you know what Iron Maiden's Dave Murray looked like in his younger years.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:11, Reply)

Well, I am the most biblical-scale bender you know, surely?

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

You really need to sort that out.
Try having sex with a woman. It might cure you.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

It's the unlikelihood of finding a woman
with low-enough self-esteem that they'd agree to wearing a 'Freddie Mercury' mask during coitus, that makes your suggestion so difficult to arrange.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Ahem!
*takes a step forward*
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Actually I was thinking Freddie might a little too dominant a personality
Think you could get a mask like the above?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Dave Murray?
Pfft! you can anything on the internet if you look hard enough.
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

As long as I'm 'hard enough' then hopefully it won't be an issue

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Well if I hum, 'Can I play with madness', while we get it on, that should help.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Crow calls his dick "Madness"?
Oh dear.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Actually, I call it 'Victory'
That way, I always know that 'Victory is mine!'
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Guess what's just happened?
My mum's in hospital. She's fallen over. AGAIN.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Oh dear. She alright?
Has she always been this clumsy?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Possible broken little finger.
Thankfully this time on her right hand. No, she'd never broken a bone before the wrist- it's usually my dad who does stupid things like breaking his back and shattering his ankle in a foreign country with a 7-month pregnant wife.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Well, at least she's not gone and fallen off a mountain or something.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Down a mountain.
It was my dad who fell off a mountain.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:51, Reply)

They've got quite a good track record, haven't they?
I remember taking my old housemate to hospital. When I 'phoned his mother to tell her the news, her reaction wasn't one of concern, or panic. No, it was simply a resigned sigh of
"What's he done now?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:53, Reply)

It's my dad, and his rock-climbing pedigree
My sister ran into a fence and gouged her forehead open- all I've done is almost slit a tendon in the palm of my hand after falling over in a stream. Oh, and I hated life so much when I was born I refused to breathe.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Ah, yes, reportedly I managed that
Though I maintain it was the fault of our umbilical cord for suggesting 'it's cold out there, you'll want a scarf...'
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:59, Reply)

You were almost choked to death as a baby?
No wonder you love auto-erotic asphyxiation.

It wasn't like that for me- I literally refused to breathe on my own so they strapped me to an oxygen tank.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 17:00, Reply)

...and already I appear to have established a veritable wigwam

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:33, Reply)

*get's ready for a pow wow*

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Oh, you're in for a right old Wigwam-Bam...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Isn't that a song by Bay City Rollers?

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I thought it was The Sweet.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:38, Reply)

You are correct.
Now have sex with me.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:39, Reply)

You're gonna make me your man?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Less 'man' than 'next ill-fated victim,' but yeah, more or less.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:41, Reply)

You don't want me.
I'm not the droid you're looking for.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I'll leave you two alone then : (
*goes for a bath*
( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I've declined Crow's kind offer.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I'm not being second best again.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:43, Reply)

When have you ever been second best?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Every bloody time mate.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:58, Reply)

well it isn't a race!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 17:00, Reply)

He doesn't look very hard at all, though, does he?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Depends if you find Sheridan Smith intimidating, I guess...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:29, Reply)

let's be honest if he's after girls with low self esteem he's in the right place.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

^this

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

hi!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I really should try having sex with a woman.
I hear good things about it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Tiny cocks, I've heard.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

i bet
nobody has ever said that to you!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

ffs have a cold shower
it's getting pathetic
(PsychoChomp, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Really? Well if I can walk normally the following morning, then even better!

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

His facial features are just TOO BIG

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:13, Reply)

SHERIDAN
( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

CORnish
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:17, Reply)

she looks ill
well she seems a bit pasty
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

*Golf clap*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

She's not very nice looking
and an unfunny turd: perfect for Corden.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I bet you're one of these dullards who think that 2 pints of lager isn't the greatest tv programme ever

( broadsword, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

he was pretty funny in "the history boys"
i bloody love that play
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Same.
Makes me cry every time though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:14, Reply)

i would totally do the teacher
HOT.

/not the dude from "withnail", clearly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:16, Reply)

/wikis
My current crush is Cillian Murphy. Ho. My. God. HOT.

OH MY GOD THAT'S THE ACTOR I HAD A CRUSH ON WHEN I WAS ABOUT 13 WHAT THE FUCK also I have been reminded of Jamie Campbell Bower. Kinda shows my taste in men.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Unobtainable on account of them being show-bizzy famous people?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:19, Reply)

Ridiculously girly.
I just like looking at them.

This is Cillian Murphy.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

She's hot.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I no, rite.
Amazing eyes, too.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Oh, the guy from 28 days later
I thought you were talking about Ciaran Hinds, for some reason. Silly Irish names.
( Kroney, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Also Scarecrow in the Batman reboots, and Fischer Jr. in Inception.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:32, Reply)

He is very pretty.
I would.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:35, Reply)

How are you, Noel?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:37, Reply)

On the turn by the looks of it.

( girlinthehole, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I've always been in the middle, my dear.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:40, Reply)

My brain can't really wrap my head around male bisexuals over 30.
No offence intended.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:43, Reply)

None taken, whippersnapper.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Fabulous darling!
How's yourself?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:41, Reply)

A little worried about my mother
Tired, hot, stressed, fairly unhappy as my bleatings today might have indicated. But shouldn't really complain. Am wearing quite a nice dress.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:42, Reply)

And might I say what a smashing dress it is?
etc. I've got my headphones on and mountains of Dubstep to get through. Deep, dirty and bassy, just how I like 'em. Hope your mum bounces.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Sounds like fun!
I hope so too. She's had quite a few accidents now...
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Is this a veiled threat?
ARE YOU THREATENING TO PUSH LAMPERS' MOTHER DOWN THE STAIRS?

You utter bounder.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Alan Bennett always makes me cry, too.
He makes me cry 'why are you so popular, you weedy, bleating Northern turd?'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Cheer up, Montstock.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Mr Bennett, the caretaker from Take Hart was better.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:21, Reply)

He was fucking brilliant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 16:28, Reply)