Hey guys, got my first stand-up set tonight. Here's my routine. Please tell me your thoughts.
Awooga. What a rush. Right. Yeah, I got my notes here just in case I completely forget what I'm fucking saying. So, how are we all? Are we all good? Excellent, excellent.

Right, like, I was sort of rehearsing earlier. It is an absolute fucking pleasure to be here in despite the fact that my heart is currently going nineteen to a dozen and I feel like I'm about to take my driving test. Which I failed three times in a row. However, I- the last time I maintain it wasn't my fault.

I like to maintain- thanks there- I like to maintain- God, that's fucking distracting.

I like to maintain that it wasn't actually my fault. It was actually the fact that the OAP stepped out in front of me. And the fact that driving examiner was actually y-

Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

I like to maintain that it wasn't my fault. It was in fact the fault of the driving examiner in that she didn't get there with the dual controls quick enough. That, and she was a frustrated Daily Mail reading bitch queen man-hating whore from hell. But, so it goes so.

So, I asked, I asked how you-we all were earlier. And, you know, you all obviously responded in the positive. But the answer that you never expect- which admittedly, I've never got- but you live in hope and you don't turn round and say "Actually Jim, I've just been bumraped by a tramp". Yes, I know that's gross-out humour but, any porn in a storm, right. And, especially tramps.

But anyway, and, uh, you know, If you're just asking someone how they are you don't expect their fucking life story. And if you get it, my resp-, my reaction is to go alright I'm going now bye bye.

Anyway

Let's put that back up straight.

Anyway.

So.

With sort of like with seeming in mind, urm, it is obviously festival season. Anyone going to any rock festivals soon? Leedsfest? Good luck.

Right.

Because, because, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I had heard a story about a guy who sort of like, he's shall we say just a little bit different. He dresses up in a dry suit, this is from what I've heard, I don't know if it's true or not, dresses up in a dry suit with like full mask and snorkel and everything else. And goes and lurks in the long drops. And likes to play a little game with people. Yeah, you've heard this before haven't you. Oh well, so it goes. And, urm, you know he, he likes to, uh, like I say, play a little game. Don't spoil the punchline for me, please. Otherwise I'll be singling you out for a complaint later on. And, like I say, likes to lurk and he lurks in the long drops. Until you at the most vulnerable, your trousers around your ankles already feeling a little bit bleurrgh because of all of the various substances alcohol and the fact that, you know, your dung handles are you know pretty much brushing your shoes. And just at that moment apparently he likes to pop up and just go POP UP PIRATE you know like that.I'm gonna say if you've not had a shit before you certainly will after that.

That's just some of the silliness that we see on a daily basis. I mean, for example, once I was waiting at a train station taking part in the commonly known activity as waiting for trains. As you do. And I was there obviously watching the situation. There was my favourite member of the human species just for taking the piss out of: The Chav. He was standing there doing what chavs do - being fucking annoying cunt. But anyway. He was standing there with his can of Special Brew, cigarette, and mobile phone playing what can only be described as fucking noise.

Oi, Wh-where you going?

Alright.

Anyway, back to the story, so he said, doing what he's doing, and there's this little eight year old running around doing what eight year olds do - going, sort of going like "ooh, well, happy days, happy days", you know, I'm not going to run around and run up all my energy so that I won't be an annoying little gimp whatever. And of course his parents were there, I mean, who would leave an eight year old child on there own with a train station? But, come off it. Sorry. And urrrm, yes, so he they're all in their accepted roles. I'm there being the observer thinking "my God, you're being so annoying", and you know, the chav is just going murmrmrmumrmr ntz ntz ntz coming out the mobile playing. And this you know the eight year old is running around playing gets fixed up a gear in the headlights with this chav and this chav just turns round and says "what you looking at?", as chavs apparently like to do when they're sort of like glanced at for half a microsecond by anyone. And this little kid, quick as ever, hold on two seconds, quick as a flash turns around like that and says "I don't know, but it appears to be trying to communicate with me". And I swear to God I've never seen anyone go from angry to confused at the flip of a switch. And the parents just grabbed this kid - Woah! - You know, and, you know, just got out of the situation I'm just sat there silently pissing myself with laughter. Not at the moment, thank God. And, urm, I was there, you know, and you never stood a chance under the towering intellect of an eight year old.

Anyway, right, but, still good chavs.

Sometimes I like to take a look at my friend, thank you very much Robert Chorlton, and for driving, you know, so I don't have to deal with the bane of Britain's model train system or the wonders of some might say. You know, the inevitable delays, leaves on the line, the platitudes that come out of the speakers, like: "We are sorry to announce the train has been delayed, there is a sheep on the line currently being buggered by a Welshman". For all you Welsh people out there, it's kind of my trait to take the piss out of them. For I am British after all.

So we're driving around and we see this chav on a bike - will you please pay attention - so we're driving along and - behave - there we are. "I wanna run that chav over, I wanna run that chav over". I'm just there thinking "why would you do that? I don't want that on my conscience. It could be my bike".

Okay, I was thinking that could have gone a lot better than it did. But never mind, so yeah. But anyway, on a final note, I'm just gonna end with this sort of like little this sort of review of life. We all see some pretty stupid fucking things, not at least, anyone from Wakefield here by the way? Apart from myself. Excellent right. I'm guessing some of you here heard about that Romanian who decided to rape someone in Clerkgate Station so he could go to prison and learn English. What the fuck is he going to learn? "Somebody pass the soap"?

Thank you very much you people have been beautiful goodnight.
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:16, 51 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

O_o

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:19, Reply)

*APPLAUSE*

( spesh., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:19, Reply)

Nope
I'm pretty sure that wasn't part of the transcript
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:20, Reply)

this, however
is sheer genius. click click clickety click.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

*golfclaps*

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

Hey my good buddy, this is excellent, I think you will go far!
Good luck sweet pea
xx
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:20, Reply)

WHY FRIZ WHY

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:23, Reply)

Oh, is he that fat cunt that plays the piano?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

That's the name of my show, yes

( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:30, Reply)

For fuck sake someone validate him
ONLINE
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:28, Reply)

it's bad enough knowing that he exists and has done this
without accidentally reading little bits of it as I scroll down...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:28, Reply)

Is this the transcript of Piston broke?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:29, Reply)

yeah

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

Who sat through it in order to transcribe it?
I curled into a fetal ball about 2 paragraphs in.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:32, Reply)

I'm two paragraphs from the end
I haven't so much as smirked yet. Not even once.
( Kroney, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:33, Reply)

Just the sheer length of it was enough for me to ignore it
Add to that, the fact it is a STAND UP routine, typing onto the internet seems like a complete waste of everybodies time.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:35, Reply)

i would hazard a guess that it was the guy who posted it, up there,
just a guess though
( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:48, Reply)

I hate this thread.

( Kroney, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:30, Reply)

whatever anyone thinks of this
still going on about it YEARS later and BOTHERING to TYPE IT OUT is lamer than anything in it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

I am inclined to agree.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:40, Reply)

that is because i am right
that is all
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:46, Reply)

what is it?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:43, Reply)

There was a user from a few years ago
called piston broke. He did that word for word transcription at an open mic comedy night and someone recorded it and put it on the web. It was toe curlingly bad.
( djtrialprice, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:47, Reply)

Ah cheers fella,
it felt like reading a suicide.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:48, Reply)

he's called jim bob now
poor sod.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 11 Mar 2011, 9:28, Reply)

When ARE you going to post me that Zyklon B?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:49, Reply)

About a week before I move in
my new haircut is so third reich I expect my Luger to arrive in the post next week.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:51, Reply)

I had a toy Luger that was my pride and joy as a child.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:53, Reply)

Still have mine, it was my brothers which I inherited when he wanted me to keep quiet about him smoking.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:55, Reply)

In some ways I agree
but it's soooo bad. Did he ever think he was going to get any laughs from that? I'm cringing as I remember the video of it.
( djtrialprice, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:45, Reply)

sure
but how is that any worse than watching it, taking a transcript, and posting it on here? at least he tried, rather than just taking the piss out of someone else trying!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:01, Reply)

Everyone kept falling asleep whilst watching it
I thought this might be better. Gives people more of a chance to experience it.

I think it's good material.
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:05, Reply)

yeah but you also think i look like bou
fucking bou

so, you know. fuck you too and all that!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:17, Reply)

*googles*
*chuckles*
No, I don't see it myself.
( djtrialprice, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:23, Reply)

When in the hell did I say that?

( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:28, Reply)

But looking at your picture, yeah, you do actually

( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:29, Reply)

oh god years ago
someone linked me to the /talk chat.

you said i look like bou and linked my pic and someone else said "that's katy perry you twat" (which is bollocks, piston looks more like katy perry than i do) and then there was more rudeness. i've hated you ever since. or more accurately for the 5 mins afterwards, when i forgot all about it. UNTIL JUST NOW.

fucking bou my arse. i'd rather look like syncubus.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:31, Reply)

someone linked to the /talk chat
you mean you searched your own name to see if anyone talked about you.

which is something bou did too.

hey bou.
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:33, Reply)

i'd love to pull that off
Nobody's ever accused me of being a sock before. It's reverse validation right here.

Thanks fat-face.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:43, Reply)

are we fucking now?
i'm not entirely sure how off topic works
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:44, Reply)

no, we're married
Now give me your house ktxbai and then come on here at 3am and post about how fat and lonely you are.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:47, Reply)

You do look a bit like Bou though.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 19:16, Reply)

I share your sentiment, it took balls to get on stage like that
I've been the singer in a rock band and I was completely out of my depth, I was trying to be as good as Chris Cornell and I simply didn't have the voice. But I made damn sure I practiced long and hard to put on a show that didn't forever embarrass me.
( djtrialprice, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:28, Reply)

I fought a bear on stage once

( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:29, Reply)

I think I need an adult.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 17:38, Reply)

Thank you for sharing that with us.
FUCK OFF!
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:01, Reply)

So mean :(
I left /talk to escape the meanness.

:'(
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:11, Reply)

*sneers*

( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:58, Reply)

Great stuff, but he said Kirkgate station not Clerkgate.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:40, Reply)

HA!
Excellent.
( __, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 18:44, Reply)

Oh dear god.
It's even worse reading it than seeing the video. I may well print this out for sleepless nights and it will bore me to sleep :) Thanks! Actually, I'm yawning now. If piston wasn't such a vacuous twit I'd feel sorry for him. But he is and I don't.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 23:06, Reply)