It's me again
Yes, how did you guess?
'Cause last time you were really impressed
And, I'm bolder, c-c-cold, gettin' colder
And, at the very same time, I heat up at a party
And, sold her, but, not with solar power
For far too long made mistakes
And, allowed a fat and ugly thing get in my way
Now I'm suitable an MC, I'm no in-between
Top-of-the-rank like Pearl and Dean
And, if you can't take the heat get outta the kitchen!

Any other post-pub-posters in da house!?!?!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:06, 157 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

post wine posters!
i don't have enough of a life to leave the house bt I do like wine
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:07, Reply)

What colour wine have you been drinking?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:10, Reply)

alright JeffTheDogFucker

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:12, Reply)

I am a wee bit wobbly.
But I ain't FAT!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:15, Reply)

Curse you and your damn metbaolism.

(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:17, Reply)

+ my dickie heart

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:18, Reply)

Curse you and your ability to put
don't break my heart, my achey brakey heart in my head.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:22, Reply)

oh you WENCH.
now it's in mine.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:24, Reply)

Mwahahahahaha!
earworm transfer COMPLETE!
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:25, Reply)

I hate you. :(

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:27, Reply)

Sorry :(
how goe s uni?
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:28, Reply)

goodly. Studying chem at the moment. :)

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:34, Reply)

Have you settled in quite nicely to student life?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:37, Reply)

erm, not really.
I like my classes and stuff, just finding the adjustment difficult.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:39, Reply)

It's like that for everyone :)
you'll be fine by easter, it just takes a bit of getting used to. But I'm sure you know that already!
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:40, Reply)

yeah. I'm at home at the moment and really enjoying it.
it's a lot easier to concentrate!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:42, Reply)

You need to get back into the Uni fold Poppet.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:55, Reply)

nah I'm going back tomorrow.
I'm happy to have three nights of good sleep. :D
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:59, Reply)

Fair enough.
The rest of them will settle down in a few weeks, when they realise they're running out of beer tokens and they are there to work.

Neither are most of them going to Uni on the back of a life-shaping European adventure.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:05, Reply)

I hope so.
And yeah, it was fairly life shaping.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:10, Reply)

You've just experienced more of life than most of them have.
They are probably overly-excited at being away from home for the first time, whereas you've covered continents on your own.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:23, Reply)

Well as long as neither of you 'blow up and kill this man' I don't mind.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:25, Reply)

Wasn't that an early draft of Meatloaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love"?

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:17, Reply)

It sort of scans.
But meatloaf is fat.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:19, Reply)

that's why he changed the words

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:19, Reply)

Alreet drunkenbum
I don't do interesting things like go to the pub but I have had half a joint and some cheesecake and am pondering more of both.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:14, Reply)

did you run, too?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:14, Reply)

...
no...
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:16, Reply)

then bring me cheesecake
for only by appeasing the cheesecake god can you right this wrong

here I am making it seem as if I am a cheesecake god. I might be
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:18, Reply)

Next bash mebbe.
although cheesecake is one of the few things I am not very good at making.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:22, Reply)

YAY!
practise makes perfect
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:22, Reply)

What sory of cheese would you use to disguise a donkey?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:24, Reply)

Mascarpone.

(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:25, Reply)

Wayhay!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:26, Reply)

what cheese do you see in the mirror?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:26, Reply)

Hallumi!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:27, Reply)

Get more stoned and then eat cheesecake!
What sorty cheesecake is it??
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:17, Reply)

I intend to!
raspberry. Nearly my faouvirte of all the cheesecakes.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:21, Reply)

What is the best of the cheesecakes?
I had a nice chocolate and jack-daniels cheesecake a while ago, that was really nice.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:23, Reply)

Las Iguanas do a pistachio and white chocolate one
better than sex. Well, better than some of the sex I've had anyway.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:26, Reply)

it's been too long since I've head either

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:28, Reply)

given head, or had cheesecake?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:28, Reply)

all of the above

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:29, Reply)

It's been a while
bloody springtime always does things to my libido I'd rather it didn't.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:29, Reply)

between that and red wine
I have that fuzziness and you just want to cuddle up to some hot guy and *scene deleted*
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:30, Reply)

fuzziness might suggest a lack of personal grooming.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:32, Reply)

heh, perhaps a littleof that too
doesn't seem much point..wah wah wahwa
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:33, Reply)

You are a guitar pedal and you probably owe me a fiver.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:36, Reply)

Argh, don't!
bah, that's not helping. I'm the same with weed; it's a thousand times better when you have someone to snuggle and get giggly* with.

I mean laughing not giggity. Although that too.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:32, Reply)

Your libido has hayfever?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:31, Reply)

No, I mean the sun is shining
and the birds are tweeting and everything is growing and green and getting laid and I'M NOT.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:33, Reply)

You were seeing someone just before Christmas, it isn't like you've been on the shelf for ages.
Have some fun berk.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:35, Reply)

yeah, you got some more recently than me

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:35, Reply)

Hmm September probably
perhaps once since then.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:37, Reply)

about the same for me, only none since then

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:37, Reply)

Oh I know
I'm like this every springtime though, it's like I only produce hormones three months a year. Except this year I have no means, well yes I do have means obviously, sort of, but yeah no means of getting any.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:38, Reply)

I really don't want to know your quarterly wanking habits.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:39, Reply)

Did I mention them? I beleve not.
So shush.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:41, Reply)

Everyone gets more action in the warmer months though.
Stands to reason.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:43, Reply)

Which reason is that then?
I won't. That would involve asking boys for drinks and stuff and I'm shit at that.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:44, Reply)

People go out more in the summer, people also wear less.
Therefore, if you've gone out and worn a bit less, you'll be surrounded by people in a similar position and because everyone is out and drinking, there is more confidence in the air, ergo, you meet more people.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:46, Reply)

I note use of the word 'out'
and refer you to many, many previous posts where I have explained that I do not do the aforementioned 'out'.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:50, Reply)

Well you should.
Did you apply for that other PhD in Oxford?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:51, Reply)

I know I 'should'
but again, many many posts explaining that I'm not very good at going out on my own, also that lone women in bars only tend to attract mentals and old men.
Yes I did. No I won't get it.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:53, Reply)

Are you calling me a 'mental'?
'Cos I'll chat to anyone.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:54, Reply)

I would probably be quite unnerved
if you came to chat to me in a pub. Booze fumes on your breath and a slightly glazed, manic look in your eye...
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:56, Reply)

You wanna see what I'm like when I've been drinking!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:57, Reply)

Oh wait, I have.

(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:58, Reply)

We'll park that here shall we?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:03, Reply)

Eh?

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:07, Reply)

I've got MTV on, they are having a Indie Anthems moment.
The current track is:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA15L6cHPvQ

Now it's Radiohead and Just
www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls

Florence and her gay machine with 'You've got the love'
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQZhN65vq9E

Now the Klaxons
www.youtube.com/watch?v=utr-uEspNf0

Bloc Party
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IREXDO_uvyQ

The Verve - Bitter sweet
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx3m4e45bTo

Kings of Leon - Use somebody
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWhairF_DS8

The Pixies - here comes your man (That'll make berk happy)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsJUX2jCG_0

Peter, Bjorn and John - Young Folk
www.youtube.com/watch?v=51V1VMkuyx0

The Smiths - there is a light that never goes out
www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:34, Reply)

Heart that
this is my favourite of theirs though:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ma9I9VBKPiw

I do not like the video though.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:36, Reply)

I'll keep finding the video of the MTV song and I'll edit the post above, so you can feel like you've got a telly!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:38, Reply)

Thom Yorke is a bog eyed loon
but I bloody love that song.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:42, Reply)

Florence and the machine is awesome
you shush your face.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:46, Reply)

I'm just giving you the songs as they come up.
I'm not asking you to comment on them.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:47, Reply)

Pfft fine
I shall consider myself told. You keep linking me to stuff and I am a wee bit monged out is all.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:52, Reply)

Roll another fat one then and get nicely spannered.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:53, Reply)

What a good idea!

(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:55, Reply)

*BEAMS*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:56, Reply)

I msintain it is more fun with company though.

(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:57, Reply)

It probably is more fun to get stoned with company than is it, being a DRUG ABUSER on your own.
But we can help you berk. We can all be your +1
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:02, Reply)

Pfft, don't talk to me about drugs you massive drunkard!
+1? Yeah, a bunch of intangible 0's and 1's. That makes me feel better.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:07, Reply)

*There there*
How many skins do you need for the perfect joint?

Now that is a proper question.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:08, Reply)

I can't roll by hand
I don't smoke enough to practise. If you use a rolling mat you can't do any of that fancy multi-skin stuff.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:10, Reply)

You need to use Rips papers then!
www.rips.co.uk/index.php?agree18=y#Home

YOU choose the length.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:13, Reply)

And they come in different flavours.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:13, Reply)

Like condoms.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:13, Reply)

But you shouldn't smoke them.
It's bad for the environment.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:14, Reply)

And my organs, I suspect.

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:15, Reply)

Thanks for that clarification.

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:15, Reply)

I'm like one of those 'Charley says' public information films.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:27, Reply)

it's how I've justified polishing off
half a bottle of red on my own :(
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:08, Reply)

Get the other half down you, woman.

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:09, Reply)

I think I should sleep soon
also more wine will mean posting worse crap
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:10, Reply)

+ and open the second bottle for crying out loud.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:10, Reply)

while I have the dating site window open? hell no

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:11, Reply)

What gets your attention on these dating sites?
Is it the picture or the bollocks they've bothered to write?

I'm interested.... it's for a, err, friend.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:17, Reply)

what they write, always

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:18, Reply)

Curses.
I'd fail on both counts.

Even the blind have screen-reading software these days.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:21, Reply)

ah so you
are thinking of signing up to one!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:22, Reply)

Only for a laugh, like.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:24, Reply)

Didn't hear back from textgirl then I take it?

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:27, Reply)

Well done Marple!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:28, Reply)

Bummer
why are people sorude?
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:29, Reply)

Who knows.
Never mind.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:31, Reply)

I'm sorry I pestered you about it
are you bothered by it, that she didn't reply? Or are you just being your usual cynical self?
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:35, Reply)

I'm a complete cynic.
It's a mantra for life. I never get high, and I rarely get low on life.

It works for me.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:36, Reply)

I think it's just us again.
gaz?
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:37, Reply)

Don't be bloody stupid
of course you wouldn't.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:23, Reply)

mostly what they write
as long as they're not munters. Anyone who uses the term 'down-to-earth' gets sneered at by me, at least.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:20, Reply)

Remember this Crunchy? Do you? Do you?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5tpuCcPfGk

Because it's in my head now.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:22, Reply)

nope
that's your earworm alone
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:22, Reply)

^ thsi

(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:24, Reply)

What happened to them eh?
One hit shit-houses thath they were.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:24, Reply)

Not all of us have your capacity mister.
If I drank two bottle of red wine I would likwly die. I certainly would wish I had the following morning.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:12, Reply)

this^^

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:49, Reply)

A local DJ often introduces them as Florence Against The Machine.
Also, that caterwauling still gets played 4-5 times a day on that station even though it was released two years ago. For a station that holds current hits so dear, they do like to flog dead horses.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:53, Reply)

What station do you listen to?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:56, Reply)

The one I'm referring to is Capital FM (formerly Galaxy, now the same old shit minus the overblown and unintentionally funny station idents).
It's often on at work, as it plays fewer whiny songs than most other stations and it's better than working in total silence.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:58, Reply)

I'm quite a fan of Absolute Radio
I like the majority of what they play during the day.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:59, Reply)

Agh fucksocks.
Out with BB. He's amazing. (Am on fag break) This is bad.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:53, Reply)

Big Brother?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:54, Reply)

Brighton boy
god Jeff, keep up.
(berk, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:55, Reply)

I don't know anything about Brighton Boy.
Is he a new squeeze?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:57, Reply)

Met him on teh intetwerbz
Been talking a couple of months. Came down to see him today, here til Tues. Really like him, but I don't want to - too much of a distance :(
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:02, Reply)

See this, for my views on distance.
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1118393
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:02, Reply)

I take it he's aware there's life outside London and Brighton.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:03, Reply)

I just assumed when Bella said 'Brighton'
It was a gay-friend.

(I still do, if I'm being honest)
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:04, Reply)

brighton is brilliant

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:05, Reply)

The bits I saw were horrible, it looked like Wigan-on-Sea.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:06, Reply)

Or 'Wigan-Pier' to use the correct rhyming slang term.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:07, Reply)

i have friends there who know lots of the arty places
we went to a 'robot takeover' evening with live programmed music and lecturs on robot stuff, and other cool things
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:08, Reply)

I've never been.
(As you can probably guess).
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:06, Reply)

Seriously.
I mentioned a book I've been trying to replace for years, which I couldn't find, over a month ago. He tracked it down and bought me it. He's just as awesome as I suspected. Damn.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:59, Reply)

I'm still none the wiser.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 11 Mar 2011, 23:59, Reply)

Aw, that's cute
for god's sake woman, pounce on him quick.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:02, Reply)

Believe me, I want to.
But long distance is bad :(

Anyway, Bella signing out for tonight.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:12, Reply)

wooohooo!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:04, Reply)

Blur, song2
What do I win?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:06, Reply)

I was twenty-six when I met him.
I'd been strolling by the Ouse in York- a marvellous early Autumn day in September. The leaves were bronzing, the ducklings were grown and the water was brown.

There's something about that time of year that makes me feel intensely sad whilst reminding me that there are better times to come, the knowing that it's a mirror image of early spring, but with the heartache that comes with winter still to come, a heartache ahead of me that I could not avoid.

But I digress.

There was an early morning mist and I could see him approaching, his tweed slacks were the perfect riposte to the browns and oranges of the season and his tan brogues were the obvious accessory. He carried a hessian two-handled bag, like a doctor in the '50s. What it contained I could only guess, though to put my mind in such a place would be dangerous for a man like me.

As we approached each other on the lonely riverside path a number of thoughts coursed through my mind. Who was he? Why was he here at this time in the morning? What did he want? Horrified, I noticed that his gait had become visibly more purposeful as Scarborough Bridge came into his line of sight.

I felt in my inside pocket for my packet of Rolos, fingered its sweet curve and felt reassurance move through me like a wave.

By now I could make out features- a slightly wonky mouth, sneaky eyes and a roundness to his face that suggested Arbroath Smokies and Scotch pies simultaneously. I froze as he finally reached me.

He stretched out an upper limb, grasped my hand in his.

I looked down at my palm in the hazy morning sunlight.

In my hand were four passport pictures. His leering face shone out, tempting and goading me as I admired his comb over.

The stranger leaned his breast into mine, exhaled with the stench of marmite on his breath and whispered to me:

'Happiness...is a cigar called Hamlet.'

As he moved further down the path I took a moment to let his words sink in.

Their meaning seeped in to my cortex.

I nodded to the virile stranger (though his back was turned), saluted a passing moorhen and made my way home along the foggy, lonely banks of the Ouse.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:14, Reply)

Pfft!
You can have a click for that one.
(berk, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:17, Reply)

Fantastic.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:18, Reply)

Aphex Twin
“Pass me my squeezebox”.

“You what Richard? Your squeezebox?”

The Twin looked at me like I’d just done a poo on his best curtains and told me that yes, he wanted his squeezebox. Something to do with a tune.

The man’s a nutter- he’s my milkman and lives in a run down house near the ring road. This one time down the pub he’d been on the Gold Label, got drunk and puked in an ashtray- we’d never seen such chunky vom. The landlord got him to his feet and promptly barred him.

Later that day, during a hurried game of Dynamite Dan on my beloved Spectrum Plus 2 128k, I got a phone call.

It was the police.

They’d found him naked and painted blue, wandering near the woods. He was in the car, they were on their way round here.

They arrived at the door. Richard was blue and had a copper’s helmet covering ‘Stephen and the Twins’. He shivered, looked down the length of his nose, winked at me and continued squinting at me through his left eye.

I signed the paperwork and sent the policemen on their way.

“Such nice fellows!” I thought to myself.

Richard farted and told me he could read my thoughts. Nerds would never be reintroduced in sweetshops- Jawbreakers may have made a long overdue return, but Nerds, well, Nerds was a no fly zone for sweets fans.

I’d been thinking about crisps- Discos in fact, and the strangely named Frisps. He was close with sweets so I let the mistake pass.

I shed a tear and put the kettle on.

I returned and he was mumbling. Cheesesocks? Jeyecloths? What was it? I leaned in closer. Squeezebox!

I passed it to him, gave him my housekeys and turned my back on him.

I never saw my milkman again.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 0:24, Reply)

I have Boomania on vinyl

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Sat 12 Mar 2011, 1:41, Reply)