I haven't seen our resident right wing nutter FreeFair
since the shootings in Oslo... Coincidence????

What other b3tans would be involved in crimes of the past?

edit: look at this smug smiling prick static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/guardian/Pix/pictures/2011/7/25/1311607257312/Anders-Behring-Breivik-le-008.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:30, 89 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Monty was thought to be Jack the Ripper
but the police realised he didn't have enough pennies to put on their eyes.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:31, Reply)

and the lack of post-mortem raping

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:35, Reply)

did he rape his victims?
I didn't realise
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:39, Reply)

he didn't
that's how you could tell it wasn't Monty
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:41, Reply)

He did not (I did not)

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:43, Reply)

I read that as "post-modern" raping
As though he were wearing a turtle-neck, or something.
( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

raping
but with ironic detachment
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

*cries*
It's sinking in that I am going to have to live my life in a completely different way from the way I have been until recently.

Duh, you might (and perfectly reasonably ) say, but the enormity of this is only just getting through to me. I won't be able to, say, visit my mother on a whim etc. I'm fucking shitting myself.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:36, Reply)

Can you get a better paid job?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Not really.
Only an idiot would run a home shopping business from London - warehousing and staff cost so, so much less up north, for example. I've already been interviewed (and got nowhere) with most of the other London options.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:42, Reply)

can you use the same skills doing something else?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:43, Reply)

To be honest I'm in such a bad way with worrying about my money shit etc
that I doubt anyone who met me at the moment would want to give me a job.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

that sucks
you have my sympathy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:51, Reply)

Come to MK
shit wages, but LOADS of warehouses and cool people and it's only an hour out of london for access to your kid et al.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:43, Reply)

why would he want access to al?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

more importantly
how could his kid manage to eat Al?

that's one greedy fucking kid!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

You!
Did you just add me on fb? Someone added me and I have no idea who it is, but they were a surfer so I thought it might be you.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

I don't think I did
my profile pic has me playing guitar
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:50, Reply)

okay.
Some weird randomer it is, then.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:52, Reply)

You'd be able to tell if it were Vipros, as his message would run along the lines of
"Hoi thur, issn' oi be your friend, moi luvver?"
( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:53, Reply)

Ow bist ee?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:54, Reply)

oi dun tawk nuffin loik tha

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:57, Reply)

Loyurrr

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:07, Reply)

stop bein a baaaaaaaastud!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:13, Reply)

I'm happy to consider any option.
And from what I've seen MK is OK provided you avoid the pubs.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

I'll show you the redway system

(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:46, Reply)

There's an offer, alright.

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:49, Reply)

I read that as 'otter'
and thought you were having a Bill Oddie moment.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:49, Reply)

I'll meet him off the bus, point at some red pavement
say "there it is" then go home.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:50, Reply)

I was the Washington Sniper

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:39, Reply)

I was his van

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:42, Reply)

that was actually genuinely frightening

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:44, Reply)

I think it was yet another of those big crime things
where I was on holiday and so missed almost the whole thing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:44, Reply)

On holiday in Washington? Hmmm?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

We should totally go into business
fighting crime and rooting out evil. We could be Roota & b3th: PIs.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Hahaha

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:54, Reply)

'on holiday', eh?
Do you have any witnesses to that?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:52, Reply)

RSwipe was caught stealing knickers off mannequins and smelling them.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:40, Reply)

My dear chum
My falling-out with my father continues apace. I my have to send you that thing in the post from here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:44, Reply)

Don't worry yourself, lovely.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:48, Reply)

it turns out
he was Amy Winehouse all along
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:44, Reply)

This from the front page is very good
www.b3tards.com/u/0bb7ac49b9769052ddb6/amywinehouserip.jpg
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

splendid
I wonder how much aggro I might get if I were to link it on my facebook page...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Not much I'd think,
people are aware she was a drug addict.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:46, Reply)

true
and most of my mates aren't spastics
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:47, Reply)

People around here are being extremely humourless over it all.

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Around where?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Here

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Ah I see

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:50, Reply)

Not enough talk about little mousies

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:45, Reply)

eh?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:46, Reply)

Didn't she go proper mental at one point
and put out a video of her, completely off her tits, talking to a mouse?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:48, Reply)

Her and pete Doherty doing voices for newborn mice

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:49, Reply)

that's not that weird
that's perfectly normal behaviour
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:50, Reply)

They were picking the poor little prawny fuckers up.
Their mums can shred them up after that.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:51, Reply)

I blame pete doherty really
he's a talentless shitcunt
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:51, Reply)

and not dead yet

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:52, Reply)

If I hear one more person calling her a genius...
I'm sorry a young girl is dead and her family are sad. I'm sorry the prople who like her voice won't hear it again but, let's face it, they hadn't heard it for years anyway.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:54, Reply)

I liked her style of music
and thought she was better than Adele and Duffy and all those buggers. But she's definitely not a genius.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:56, Reply)

Innit

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:56, Reply)

^ facts

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:58, Reply)

it saddens me somewhat that a lot of people I don't think are shit are dying
and more will do so. A lot of legends are lining up to croak at the moment.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Yup - it's only going to get worse, too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:06, Reply)

and we've got a way to go before the truly awful start to cark it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:07, Reply)

It's not good. Not good at all.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:23, Reply)

This
how that oxygen-thieving excrescence is still alive is beyond me. With Amy Winehouse, yeah, she was an idiot, but it's a shame she died. Pete Docherty I really would not mourn.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:54, Reply)

Yeah but if he dies then there'll be all that hero-worship and 'genius' shit bandied about.
Much rather him spend the rest of his days pissing himself in Bargain Booze and never releasing a 'song' again.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:56, Reply)

^this
better to fizzle out. He's practically a tramp anyway.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:57, Reply)

Correct.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:57, Reply)

Her ex-husband is an even more talentless shitcunt.
Plus he owes a friend of mine 10k - and this chap owes me £660 so effectively Blake Wankchops owes me money I desperately need.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:57, Reply)

that fucking twat.

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:58, Reply)

He is even more bald than Al, as well.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:03, Reply)

Don't ask for it back.
He's 'dead hard' and that, honest.
The prick.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:58, Reply)

Hard in the boys' showers, maybe.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:03, Reply)

Pork pie hats. TWATS.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:06, Reply)

^ Cockernee rhyming slang genius, right here.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:07, Reply)

He is a complete and utter pork pie.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:07, Reply)

Isn't he just.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:10, Reply)

this has reminded me of "Desmonds"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:13, Reply)

In Nigeria...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Ah, 'Matthew'...anyone who says good black actors are hard to find has clearly never seen Desmonds.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:29, Reply)

All this talk of Amy Winehouse reminds me of the time you wore her as a hat
I have no idea why I made this over a year ago.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:15, Reply)

that is one baffling picture

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:17, Reply)

Scarily precogniscent, don't you think?
I mean, she was probably found in that exact pose, only horizontally.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:20, Reply)

I did not have my head up her chuff at the time

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:23, Reply)

You mean spreadeagled with Vipros' head up her grifter?

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:24, Reply)

it was more of a chopper

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:28, Reply)

I heard she went 'commando'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:29, Reply)

aww, bastards
mummy rodents are apt to do that kinda shit, I hear
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Yup

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Monty stole my heart.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:49, Reply)

He's more likely to steal your kidneys
you can probably get more on the black market for them.
(berk, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:55, Reply)

As long as it's not my nose.
I've used most of the lining up myself.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:56, Reply)

That seems fair. You keep that, then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 16:57, Reply)

my kidneys are okay, liver not so much

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:14, Reply)

I'm off the sauce for a few days, after last weekend.
I reckon I drank 30 pints and a good 6-8 double cognacs between Saturday lunchtime and 5:30pm yesterday.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:19, Reply)

And a glass of red wine.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Darth would most likely have been involved in crimes against fashion.
And me, crimes against Mills and Boon literature.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:06, Reply)

have you written more slash fiction for b3ta?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:07, Reply)

Not yet.
I'm waiting for a newbie to turn up and get flamed by someone.

Actually, FreeFair/Plumdozer slashfic might work.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Freefare/Monty
incest slashfic FTW
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:10, Reply)

this!^^

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:11, Reply)

FreeFair gazed longingly into Monty's eyes...
They both knew it had to be. Something that seemed so wrong on the outside, but when it came down to it, felt incredibly right. The timing, the setting, the tube of KY on the bedstand- everything. Monty and FreeFair moved slowly towards each other, a few seconds feeling like an eternity, as slowly, they began to kiss. Tentatively at first, their lips brushing together like hummingbirds in flight. Then, as their mutual passion took over, their kisses became more urgent, more animal. They needed each other, and didn't care they were so wrong for each other. It was just one of those things.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:16, Reply)

woah! you went right in there
no lead up or nothing!
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:17, Reply)

you could probably patch my intro in from of this, with maybe a sentence of two to join them
I don't think I have any heart for the nuts and bolts of it anyway.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:20, Reply)

As their kiss deepened, their hands started to move.
Like the kiss, it was a caress at first. Caressing though, ultimately wouldn't last. They started to tear at each other's clothes with a Bachannalian lust. Shirts, belts and trousers were flung all over the bedroom with a reckless abandon.

"I want you- now" breathed Monty, heavily, in between kissing, gasping for breath and fumbling with FreeFair's belt. FreeFair responded in kind, slowly giving way to his animal passions. Eventually, all their clothes were off, thrown everywhere with gay abandon.

Monty, slowing things down a notch, looked into FreeFair's eyes, and pushed him back on the bed, and took him in his mouth.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:20, Reply)

Kindly cease and desist.


Thanks awfully.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:21, Reply)

At first, Monty just licked FreeFare's shaft with the tip of his tongue.
Teasing, FreeFare's previously limp member became turgid. Monty kept on kissing, licking, teasing, until FreeFare could take it no more. He roughly grabbed Monty's head and shoved it on his mouth. Monty took the cue, and began sucking like a man possessed. Dyson hoovers would have been suitably impressed.

As Monty's head bobbed up and down, FreeFare laid back, enjoying the sensation. And then, Monty stopped, and looked up. "I want you inside me- now".
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:23, Reply)

I'm not joking. Please stop this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:26, Reply)

And so it was.
FreeFare reached for the tube of KY, and squeezed some onto a fingertip. Lightly at first, he began to tickle Monty's anus, round and round, before slowly inserting his finger. Sliding it in and out, Monty began bucking backwards in obvious appreciation. FreeFare then inserted another finger, and then another, until his hand was inside Monty, up to his wrist. Monty writhed in obvious ecstasy, as FreeFare fisted him like an angry god. Eventually, FreeFare removed his hand, and entered Monty fully.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:26, Reply)

I am now planning your death.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:27, Reply)

Nearly there..
please don't stop
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:28, Reply)

make sure you've got a splash proof
covering on your keyboard
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:29, Reply)

But of course
quite adept at typing left handed too. now where's the next instalment?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:30, Reply)

FreeFare began to move, slowly at first.
And then increasing his pace, he grabbed Monty's tumescent boner, and started pumping for all he was worth. They moved, back and forth, rolling around the bed, each lost in their passing and lust for each other. Monty bit the pillow to stifle a cry.

FreeFare's pace increased, until he could take it no more, and he came. Monty came at the same time, with the stimulation of his prostate and FreeFare's reacharound, and both collapsed on the bed, completely out of breath.

Monty felt totally disgusted with himself, and kicked FreeFare out into the street, naked and covered with sweat, hoping to never see him again.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:30, Reply)

'Ask fucking Nick Clegg to take you in.'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:30, Reply)

I think that one line is possibly funnier than everything I've written in my last few posts.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:33, Reply)

As do I.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:33, Reply)

You would, I just had you biting the pillow.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:34, Reply)

*applauds*
a work of poetic genius good sir.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:33, Reply)

now wash your hands

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:34, Reply)

Yes Miss.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:35, Reply)

I'm glad you appreciate it.
I just explained what I was doing to a colleague. They gave me a look of something along the lines of 0_o.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:35, Reply)

I'm so glad none of my colleagues notice my silent quaking as I endeavoured to keep my mirth inside.
Explaining that would have been hard.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:36, Reply)

rule 1: never explain

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:36, Reply)

Miss, miss
Why?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:39, Reply)

.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:39, Reply)

Oh dear

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:21, Reply)

I'm almost tempted to write this
Young FreeFare trembled under is duvet, whether in excitement or fear he knew not The way Daddy Monty had been making him feel in recent months was both disturbing and exciting, he found himself wanting things he knew were wrong and yet their very wrongness excited him.

I'm not sure I want to have this in my head TBH.

Edit: beaten to it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:17, Reply)

I think yours goes before Luggage's
better out than in
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:18, Reply)

Needs some joining
Slowly his bedroom door opened, causing him to whimper with excitement. There outlined in the doorway stood the silhouette he'd been hoping to see. "I..... I tried to stop myself" stuttered Monty "but I just couldn't resist. The way you stood up for laissez faire Capitalism against all those benders on Off Topic it just... made me want you so much...". In 3 quick steps he was across the room and on top of your FreeFare.

and over to Luggage.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:24, Reply)

Doesn't work with my ending- I have FreeFare over at Monty's.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:36, Reply)

I was going to go the wicked step father route
if I'd carried on building it up, so kicking out in to the snow would have worked, I'm just glad you did yours before I had to decide between doing the grotty bits and giving up
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:38, Reply)