I like the one about the man at the bus stop and a little yappy dog and it's owner comes up
and I didn't mention that the man was eating fish and chips, but he was, so the little dog starts pestering the man for some fish and chips and he gets annoyed and finally says to the dogs owner "Is it okay if I chuck them a bit?" and the owner says "oh okay, if you're sure, I don't want to put you to any trouble and I'm sorry my dog was pestering you, I hadn't noticed, I'm a bit pre-occupied at the moment, you see, I'm only getting the bus because I was involved in a serious car crash yesterday and my wife is seriously ill in hospital so I'm going to see her but I have to drop the dog off at a friends first as I can't take him to the hospital" so the man says "Oh I'm really sorry to hear that, for the sake of a joke I was going to phrase my question in a way that made you think I wanted to give the dog fish and chips, but then actually pick up the dog and throw it in front of a moving car, but because of your sad tale of woe I'm going to bend down and feed it some fish and chips" so the chap bends down and the dog owner kicks him in the face and goes "PYSCH!!!! FUCKING GOT YOU DIDN'T I BITCH!!!! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ONE OVER ON ME? YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME? WELL FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" and then kicked the guy in the balls a few time and the dog does a wee on his chips.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:22, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

tl, dr

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Is that a true story?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Yeah, happened in Southgate.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Cool

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

wow
if only he'd had decent food from waitrose instead of a skanky takeaway, it could all have been so different.

i assume. i only got as far as "fish and chips" before i gave up. maybe he ends up going to waitrose. or LIDL, if he lived near al.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Oh I see what you did there, you assumed that because I live on the edge of London
that it must be full of "poor people" and therefore there must be a LIDL close by.

Sadly you're wrong. There is a Sainsburys though, does that make you feel better?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:27, Reply)

i have no idea nor any interest in where you live
but you do strike me as someone who would shop in LIDL. and then go on and on and on about how good and cheap it is.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:28, Reply)

OMG! Are you making assumptions about me? After all the nasty words you used about me for doing the same thing?
For shame Swipe. For Shame.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

do as i say, not as i do
you know how it works.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Quite right
We can't all be fat lawyers.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

i'm not fat
i'm big-breasted
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Do you know who I feel sorry for?
Fat girls with really small breasts. It's like some cruel joke of nature.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:07, Reply)

Like that mental bitch off X-Factor who punched her mate
Abbie something.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:08, Reply)

If I were to watch television
I am far too much of a snob to watch ITV.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:21, Reply)

This wasn't by choice, I was at a friend's house whilst her Mum had X-Factor on
One fat girl punched her mate for being a cock. Within a week she was posing topless in papers, absolutely sickening.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:30, Reply)

i don't
they can lose weight and still have small breasts.

whereas having stupid breasts that make you look much bigger than you really are underneath, and as if you might fall over, and as if your skinny(ish) legs and arse belong to someone else. THAT'S unfortunate.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:16, Reply)

I don't really feel sorry for them.
And you don't really think your breasts are stupid. You are quite proud of them, aren't you?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:18, Reply)

actually
the honest truth is no, i really fucking hate them.

i'd have a reduction like a shot if i weren't totally terrified of the thought of an operation!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:27, Reply)

Still, useful for getting sweaty-handed reactions on the internet, eh?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:29, Reply)

yes
yes, that does make all the painful shoulders and ugly bras and never being able to wear dresses because you are about 15 sizes different top and bottom and never being able to wear halter necks or polo necks all TOTALLY worthwhile.

ffs!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Phwoooar *rubs sweaty hands*
Actually, I tend to prefer the more petite décolletage. "Any more than a mouthful is a waste"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:00, Reply)

depends how big your mouth is

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Don't forget the scarring

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Scarred? She said she was terrified
/gets coat
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:47, Reply)

and if you want an uplift too
which, let's face it, you're gonna need, they CUT YOUR NIPPLES OFF.

OFF!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Nothing is worth that

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:00, Reply)

I'd have it done in a heartbeat if I had the money spare.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:02, Reply)

it looks so horrifying though

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Pfft! any surgery looks horrifying.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:04, Reply)

But the scarring etc
simply isn't worth it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:15, Reply)

It would be for me.
And I quite like scars.
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Are you not eligible on the NHS?
Apparently I am. As long as I can maintain good posture though, I won't take it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I doubt it. Probably not big enough to warrent it for my frame.
I suppose I could get a loan if I really wanted to.
( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:28, Reply)

It's worth asking them
after all I'm not exactly a monster, but it was literally offered to me the first time I mentioned it a few years back. And size is only one thing- they take into account a load of stuff
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

That's the job I want!
Assessing who is eligible for breast surgery on the NHS.
Where do I apply for this?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:29, Reply)

You'd turn us all down.

( girlinthehole, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

I would assess each case on its individual merits

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:35, Reply)

To the department
where all the hideously fat women with 55HHHH folds of fat sit around waiting for you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:30, Reply)

Oh yeah, hadn't thought of that
*retracts application*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 14:35, Reply)

I shop in lidl
well some times, but more for the variety than the price, although it is cheap....

/povvo
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I shop in lidl sometimes for the sausage
German sausage puts ours to shame
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:41, Reply)

It's what you do with it that counts...

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:42, Reply)

This is the thing, as a rule all European food is better
hence my liking for it, also it's cheaper which is a bonus rather than a reason.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:48, Reply)

True fact
and at Lidl you can do the health lottery, I'm hoping to win a new liver.
( Peej, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 12:54, Reply)