Too much football, cars and dancing
I got an unexpected £700 tax rebate on Saturday from 2006/2007. I spent £30 of it on the Mickey Newbury 'An American Trilogy' reissue. It's very good, but I feel bad for spending £30 on one album. Have you bought any guilty treats recently?

Alt: It's my Christmas dinner tonight, what's the soonest I can leave after we've finished eating without being too rude? (I don't mind being a bit rude).
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 9:55, 94 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Leave after the speeches, If there are any.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Oh God, I hope there aren't speeches.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

It may be quite informal with prizes for the employee most likley to lose his job next year.
Or they may have an award for the biggest internet skiver.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Ooh, I better start writing my acceptance speech.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:10, Reply)

At McDonalds we had pisstake prizes, every year the 'Best Couple' award being one by the socially-awkward manager and whichever girl we decided on that year
I came very close to being 'Biggest Timewaster' one year, but was beaten to the prize by the manager who took the keys to the lock up home, and forgot to tell anyone about it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I rarely buy anything expensive for myself
I bought a game for myself last week, only because I could get it for less than £5. I tend to borrow* games off others, rather than buy them myself, I download films, and 99% of all music I listen to is supplied to me by my best mate.

Alt: After dinner, have one more coke, then leave.

*I've changed it because I've done this twice recently, and it's really pissing me off
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 9:58, Reply)

You mean 'borrow' games 'from' others,
you whippet-fancying oaf.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

God I hate northeners.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

They fucking stink.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

of misery, unemployment, pigeon shit, closed coal mines, whippets, deep fried food, council houses, EDL marches and despair.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Northern.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Oh for fucks sake, that's the second time I've made the lend/borrow fuck up recently.
And as for the 'off', meh, I'm sure you'll get over it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I do not share your optimism.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Did I make it up, or are you a Liverpool fan?
Not that I want to start a whole new football conversation.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Mods, delete this shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Aye, I'm the resident Liverpool fan
I've seen the draw, take it you're hoping to beat Oldham?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

We should have done that already, but yeah, I think we're in with a decent chance.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Should be good, either way

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Just bang on and on about how you imaginarily left the iron on and you've got to check.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

If I wasn't such a crumpled scruffy oaf most of the time, they may buy that. But as it is...

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Iron a shirt for the dinner then
They'll believe you don't know how to use the iron and let you go.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Goddamn, I wish I'd asked this question yesterday, because that really could have worked with more notice,

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:04, Reply)

stevie wonders speedboat!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I'd say leave after about an hour? nothing wrong with that.
my guilty treat would be buying the box of chocolates on Saturday. I ate them slowly and enjoyed every one of them.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:00, Reply)

A whole hour? Christ.
I was hoping someone would say 'you can leave as soon as the first person has ordered their dessert' or something.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Maybe I'm more polite than you are.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Many people are.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Leave after coffee
then you won't be missed, if you leave first no one will notice, it's when there's only a few of you left that it becomes obvious.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

This is roughly what I was thinking.
I thought I might say I don't drink coffee that late in the day and leave them to it at that point.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Go to the toilets
Leave one shoe, open the window and pour a load of tomato sauce all over the floor.

Tomorrow will then be an interesting day when you stroll in
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

I once took some ill-advised cocaine before the meal
and then pushed some food around my plate for five minutes before leaving for a 'DJ booking', without making eye contact with anyone.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Ha. Tempting, but inadvisable I think.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:03, Reply)

It was excruciating.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:07, Reply)

ill-advised cocaine.
Best of all the cocaine.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:21, Reply)

30 minutes after pudding. Get someone to text you about "an emergency". Show the text to your boss on the way out.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:09, Reply)

If you change your mate who texts you to "Guvinor of the city" then it'll also double up as a cover-story that you're a crime-fighting superhero too.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Best one yet

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Maybe I should just get a big spotlight with a symbol on it pointed at the side of The Royal Festival Hall
and when we see it, while they are all trying to figure out what it is, I can disappear, thus not only getting to go home early, but making them wonder if I am, in fact, Batman.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:21, Reply)

I say 'just' like that would be a trifling matter to organise.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:21, Reply)

My friend Dickie did that on a massive searchlight that lit up the Navy training building
with a bat symbol he made out of card.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:22, Reply)

OK, apparently it is a trifling matter to organise after all.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

As long as you have easy access to a searchlight, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I have a torch on my key ring.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:27, Reply)

Good enough
if you are a mouse
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

"Shush.... can you hear that? It sounds like [opera singer] is singing in..... E.... E Sharp..... C.... B....E Sharp..... A Minor......... my god, I've got to go".
Then run out the building.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

*psssst*
There is no E#
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Yeah', civilians like you do think that.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)

ZING!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)

I got a bollocking for leaving mine early last year.
Food, boss' speech and then I was out of there.

Pre-warn with a bullshit excuse during today. Boiler or something, make a big deal out of the fact you are still going and see what happens.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:12, Reply)

HI EVERYONE!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Morning Quents

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:19, Reply)

morning asportcos, your usenrame is funny cos it makes me think of a cow playing tennis or hockey or LOL

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:20, Reply)

How do you play LOL?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:23, Reply)

you do a rofl and a pmsl until somebody fwaps a brb in your afk, POIDH?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

totally in ur base.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

OMG you pwnd my doodz!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

POIDH?
You fucking sex pest.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:25, Reply)

i would like pictures of your sexpest,
plz
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:25, Reply)

To be fair, it is a bit grim going on and on about having snail marks all over your knickers just to get attention.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

they both want taking out and shooting, in front of their families

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:31, Reply)

wha what now? Have I missed some truly weapons grade attention seeking?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:35, Reply)

NOW I understand
Thanks
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:26, Reply)

now the cow is playing quoits
silly cow, quiots is not for milky bull-bull lol
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:26, Reply)

It might get the quoits caught in its own udders
that would be amusing for an observer, but very unfortunate for the cow.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

POIDH

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Amazing!
Can I steal this for my profile?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Uh, yeah, go on.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:39, Reply)

Done

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Cow nipple rings

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

poidh?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

They should be grateful you've showed up
and not killed any of them.

Whatever the pudding is, eat it by holding your hands behind your back and falling face-first into it. Then, inhale as much as you can in one go, stand up and leave without a word.

bonus points if the pudding is biscuits or is in a tall, narrow glass.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:24, Reply)

prettyy sure this is a comedy website here mate, not sure your post fits the progile, no what i mean?
yeah?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:27, Reply)

This is as much comedy as you'll get out of me today, Quenters.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

It's enough for me.
I thought it was funny. Just ignore quetin, he's a terrible internet turncoat.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:28, Reply)

I HATE YOU

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

thats not good enough, maybe you just shouldn't post at all
best for all concerned
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Regarding your reply in the previous thread
the garage will just take codes off the ECU, which can only detect sensors. The nearest sensor will be flagged if there's a fault. If you want to check if your MAF really is playing up, unplug it and start the engine. If the MAF's dodgy, the engine will suddenly run perfectly again.

This is assuming you don't already know this, obviously. Sorry if I'm teaching my grandmother.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I didn't know that one, so ta.
I've never had a MAF fault but the EGR went on my Saab earlier this year, but apparently that really is the EGR. You can clean it, or replace it, and the difference is about £60 so I just replaced it.

But both diesel MAF and EGR issues relate directly to EUcat4 diesel emissions regs (or whichever it is) which are a bit annoying.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Fucking shitty governments not letting me blow whatever shit I want into the atmosphere.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:35, Reply)

some aspects of the regs are rightly sensible
some are a bit ... odd. Is all I'm saying. The EGR solution is particularly strange.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:38, Reply)

I've had leaks in breather and booster pipes that were flagged up as MAF fault codes.
Obviously changing the MAF did fuck all. Now I've replaced all the hoses, the MAF has now gone. The gigantic twat.
( Kroney, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I've just had an email telling me that the 'free pilates classes running in December'
count as a benefit and are therefore taxable.

I fucking hope they only mean for people who actually take the classes, or else they'll be asking me to leave the dinner early anyway to get away from my complaining about it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:34, Reply)

You can't be taxed for this unless you go to the classes.
It would be like being taxed for your employer providing a creche when you don't have kids.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Excellent, it's just a badly worded email then.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:38, Reply)

Yes.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Who knew that B3ta would actually come in useful eventually?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:41, Reply)

It happens occasionally
I have had:

My CV reviewed.
Legal advice.
Veterinary advice regarding my cats.
Numerous receipes.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:48, Reply)

For some reason the receipes one is not surprising...

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:49, Reply)

I've had:
Death threats
(PsychoChomp, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Ha ha.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:53, Reply)

Haha!
For real?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Who reviewed your CV?
Were they good? Will they do mine?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 11:02, Reply)

i don't like how the recipes come right after the vet advice
:((((
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 12:37, Reply)