Not funny, but i was nearly eaten by a spastic- (this was what I forgot to post on QOTW last year)
Before reading please bare in mind I have disabled relatives and I am not anti disabled in any way.
Set the scene- a small antiquated suburban Middle School (yeah we had the 3 tier system), Year 7. A warm summer day. Some idiot forgot to bring their football. All the lads are bored.
In the distance I spot a lonely looking peer with severe learning disabilities, going about his typical routine of sitting in the corner of the field, picking daisies and buttercups.
I approach him cautiously, believing him to be of placid nature, his under matured frame and and squashed skull feeling of no threat
."Hello Josh" I awkwardly mumbled. "How are you today? What you doing over here then?"
Quickly he stands up and paces in the other direction. I am baffled. What did I do wrong? As he strides further down the lawn, I jog to catch up .
"Hey, Josh?" "Eh, what’s wrong Josh?". As I put my hand on his shoulder, he does something quite unexpected. He turns around, lets out a toddler like primal scream, and grabs my flowing midnight locks.
He pulls as hard as he can. Not very. He then uses his other hand to slap me like a kipper on the left cheek. After a few seconds I pull his hopeless frame off me.
"Well I can see when I'm not wanted!" I sigh haughtily. As I jog in the other direction, with a seething mix and shock and anger coolly tempered by a rational mind, I think that the end of it.
Oh hell no.
While my attention began to be consumed by other things, the little bugger creeps up behind me and kicks me in the calf with all his might, whist moaning "Fucking go away!". It did hurt a little.
Being with friends now, and knowing nobody would dare be a filthy grass, I suddenly explode. "You stupid C**T, how dare you assault me, bastard!" (those may not have been my exact words)
I grab the lad with all my strength, give him a left hook in the face, then a right hook on the shoulder, and push him very hard onto the concrete playground.
Immediately he begins to cry. Not whimper. A full on red faced-baby fit. Immediately I am overcome with guilt. I crouch down and very remorsefully (with a tinge of back covering self pity), I bleat
"Oh, oh SHIT. Josh, are you OK? Do you need help?"
I will never forget what the fucker did next.
He immediately sprung up from the floor and opened his mouth in a trance like state. The next thing I know, he has it clamped down with agonising force onto my upper arm, his teeth biting deeply through my shirt sleeves
inches down into the flesh of my upper arm. Already he is drawing not inconsiderable amounts of blood. His death-bite jaw clamp into my limb does not relent for a good 20 seconds, despite my agonised shouts and several of my friends (including some of the strongest kids in the year) pulling his flailing legs and torso away from me as he and I writhed on the ground.
Finally my cannibalised hell is ended when a said strongman delivers a swift kick to the back of his head so hard it knocked Josh cold out (as if his brain wasn't damaged already!).
I scarper off to the school nurse for treatment and the stinging Dettol, etc. My friends restrain Josh and carry him to the room.
Then I go off to tell the Headmistress. Friends and Acquaintances thankfully back up my side of the story all the way.
My parents are called, as are His. I get off with just the scars and bite marks. He got suspended for 2 weeks.
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:00, 8 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

are you serious? did you write this while you were high?
TL:PW:DR
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:00, Reply)

I really need you to clarify something, who had the last laugh?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:03, Reply)

Everyone was a loser.

(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:04, Reply)

I can believe you said "how dare you assault me,"
because it's a pricky self important thing to say,
and you're a self important prick who likes to say things.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:06, Reply)

Can't remember if those were my exact words.
Might have been (with obligatory Barry from Auf Wiedersein Pet accent)
"Doh yo fuckin ava go at may kid!"
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:08, Reply)

Too right.
Shouldn't be allowed.

Bloody Irish, coming over here. Taking our school places.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:06, Reply)

I read this and regretted it as it was in no way interesting, amusing or even educational

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:07, Reply)

legal summary: MONG BITES MONG

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:08, Reply)

hahahaha

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:08, Reply)

Some
Mong on Mong violence.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:09, Reply)

I'm so fucking hard right now I could beat a mong to death with it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:10, Reply)

I don't remember Stu Francis saying that.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:18, Reply)

Quentin's coming to Brizzle.
*cancels train and hotel*
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:23, Reply)

YAY!!!!!

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:25, Reply)

*cries*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:26, Reply)

He won't turn up.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:31, Reply)

You won't let CQ be nasty to me will you?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:38, Reply)

i'll follow you around all night saying 'twat'
then i'll have a little cry and shout 'I'M IGNORING YOU NOW'
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:43, Reply)

it ain't a b4sh without quinten

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:29, Reply)

I wish you would.
But I bet you won't
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:33, Reply)

why do you wish i was coming?
do you love me?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:42, Reply)

thanks
i found it impossible to read that drivel
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:09, Reply)

POTD

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:11, Reply)

haha
i love that this went straight to the top of the pops.

however, i acknowledge fully that this is due to everyone's views on freefair rather than on me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:26, Reply)

Christ you become more cretinous with every post.
Punching mentals. Lovely. FFS.

I can tell you're going to grow up to be an MP. Unless someone (hopefully) stabs you to death.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:11, Reply)

He will be like Stephen Norris.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:13, Reply)

NORRIS Lawrence
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:15, Reply)

Oh come on
I think its too much to have expected me (and a great majority of 11 year old boys) to have not retaliated.
(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:15, Reply)

It's also too much for you to recognise just what a prick you are an try and change your ways.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:18, Reply)

Well I wouldn't have done it now.

(Glucose-Maximus All over the world., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:19, Reply)

He's no Quentin!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:19, Reply)

HI FIVE!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:21, Reply)

When you apply to be a tory politician, I'm gonna leak this story to the press
"Tory candidate punches mong"

Smug, cretinous tory candiadate Freefair alledgedly punched a menatlly deficient child in the face, when questioned today he said I have no comment on this story or the speculation about my penchant for cottaging"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:18, Reply)

I've read cereal packets that are more interesting than you.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:15, Reply)

Bollocks you've read a cereal packet
you just eat the damn things whole
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:18, Reply)

It's the only thing he's ever read.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:20, Reply)

he shits little plastic toys for days afterwards
like a horrific Kinder egg machine
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:21, Reply)

LIKE
i was trying to think of something along these lines but you done it better
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:22, Reply)

"How dare you assault me"
Hahahahaha, you fucking spastic.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:23, Reply)

"I demand satisfaction...
and a fight"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:24, Reply)

*glove slap*
Choose your weapon, sir!

Refresher or Curlywurly?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:26, Reply)

"Refresher...

FROM THE FREEZER MUTHAFUCKER"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:27, Reply)