BATTERED IS BACK OFF THE NAUGHTY STEP TODAY!!!!!
What have you missed most about the cheeky, chirpy, little chap?
I've missed his happy-go-lucky, cheery nature - always a friendly smile and a kind word for anyone who posts here.

Alt: What do you think should constitute a stepping offence?

Altalt: Can I have an 'L' please Rob?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:12, 110 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I WELCOME THE RETURN OF BATTERED WITH OPEN ARMS
A giant of a man in every sense of the word, Battered's calm, serene prescence floats around /OT like a mellow zephyr, healing rifts and spreading joy in his path.

Alt: (edited for correctness) SCOTTISH WHISKEY CHAT, positive threads, LARP references, gays, Asians, talking about high-end gaming, computer spec chat, 'metal' references, evening threads, use of knobbish portmanteau words (ie quender, cuntweasel etc.), you know - stuff.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:17, Reply)

All pretty offensive stuff, I'm sure most people would agree.
I think whiskey is spelt with an 'e' though.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:20, Reply)

Are you trying to turn this into Mumsnet?
Everything seems to be a stepping offence for you!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:27, Reply)

Oh yeah
Also: having massive ham-palms, giant bread-foreheads....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:32, Reply)

...moaning about exes, living within the M25, having long hair...

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:35, Reply)

i miss the way he always makes me feel so darn GOOD about myself
what, with his talk of northern birds and fat arses.

alt: using 2.0, being dull

altalt: tangledupinlieu
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:21, Reply)

Hey swipe, is this story about you?
www.b3ta.com/questions/dumped/post1826322
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:26, Reply)

Can't be.
He'd have been boasting about the unquenchable appetite for sex, the quality of it and the endless noshings-off.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:28, Reply)

Not enough bosses involved either.

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:43, Reply)

I love Battered like I love the Bonkers! series of mix CDs.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:31, Reply)

I bet he doesn't even believe techbag is a real type of breakhouse!
What. A. Wanker.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:34, Reply)

His favourite DJ is Dave Pearce.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:37, Reply)

*ahem* 'Dangerous' Dave Pearce I THINK YOU MEAN.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:38, Reply)

There's a guy with a real 'face for radio'

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

He looks like a supervisor in a Romford second-hand car dealership.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:44, Reply)

He has the music taste of a 14 year old Glaswegian mother of four.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:45, Reply)

I once saw him described as 'a man far too old to be wearing a baseball cap backwards, but too bald not to'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:49, Reply)

That's superb.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:57, Reply)

It's him at the start of Nation of Millions.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:42, Reply)

haha, genuine lol!

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:35, Reply)

I think Battered is a splendid fellow.
I miss the surgical precision of his put-downs.

Alt: I'd step anybody who complains to the mods.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:35, Reply)

Good morning.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:42, Reply)

Morning big man.
Had a productive week?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:45, Reply)

Yes thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:46, Reply)

Hey!! Wee marn!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:45, Reply)

Hello.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:47, Reply)

alright babygirl?
How was jail?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:49, Reply)

Shit off.
Wanker.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:51, Reply)

'Sup, niggy?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:51, Reply)

All good thank you.
I understand that you got beaten up by a woman.

Do you want me to have a word with Lusty so she doesn't do it again?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:52, Reply)

Owned.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:55, Reply)

Are you suggesting it's be embarrassing to be punched by me?
I'm tough and you know it.
( wanderlust, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

You should totally punch his face in the next time you see him.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:10, Reply)

Will do,

( wanderlust, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:11, Reply)

Oh, she won't.


She won't.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:56, Reply)

'Morning
Are you still having to work in Poland?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:52, Reply)

I'm back there next week.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:53, Reply)

I bet its going to be fucking cold.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:04, Reply)

Good old Battered, I knew he'd break out eventually.
Alt: being outrageously reasonable in the face of terrible bullying.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:53, Reply)

Alright son?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Not bad. Terrible case of the shits but otherwise, fine.
Yourself?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:55, Reply)

Excellent thanks.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:56, Reply)

Marvellous.
Shame we didn't get that pint in Edinburgh.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:57, Reply)

Sorry about that. After all that dashing back to London the job interview was postponed.
I will be in Newcastle in September; I am doing the Great North Run again. It's 7 years since I last did it and if it doesn't kill me then we should meet up then.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:04, Reply)

I saw that on FB. You mad fool.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:04, Reply)

The only time I get my fitness sorted is when I have something to train for.
I'm 40 this year; need to my act together.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

My ex became a vegetarian, exercise junkie who didn't drink a lot.
Still died aged 40.

OH NO THERE I GO AGAIN!!!

I concur that lifestyle will have an impact on life expectancy, but sometimes it's a complete and utter lottery
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:16, Reply)

Once again you spoil everything with your fair and sensible disclaimer at the end.
STOP BEING SO REASONABLE!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:19, Reply)

I can't help it, tangles, it's like a drug to me.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:20, Reply)

At least you're now with someone with a cracking set of tits eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I can't help feeling that I got a good deal there, Batts.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I reckon you did.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I don't see what is so great about it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:05, Reply)

If you get the right pace you can be out of Gateshead within ten minutes.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Well the last couple of miles certainly aren't.
Mile 11 nearly killed me the last time I did it.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Certain people seem to be magnets for stepping’s
AW and Battered noticeably on OT, if the MOD’s/whinging fuckers that complain to MOD’s are that sensitive they should MTFU or fuck off to Mumsnet.
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 8:54, Reply)

Battered had been gone?
I hadn't noticed.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:01, Reply)

Too pissed to read your laptop eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:04, Reply)

Yup.
New Year's Resolution. I decided that if I just stay permanently drunk no one will notice. At worst they'll just think I had a stroke.


Because that's worked out SO well for me in the past...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Andrew Marr Lols

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

Andrew Marr's copied you

(PsychoChomp, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:06, Reply)

JUST LIKE ANDREW MARR!!!!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:12, Reply)

I've missed Battered. Everything about him.
He's the height of sophistication.

Alt: Repeatedly being unfunny.

*steps self*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:14, Reply)

I see what you did there.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Who is this battered and why is everyone frothing at the gash about its return?
Alt: Nothing, we should be unmoderated, apart from music threads. They can fuck right off.
( Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:24, Reply)

What about Whisky threads?
I like Oban.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I ain't got a problem with whisky threads because I've never experienced them
I like Oban too. But I prefer Islay malts. I know, I have an unsubtle palate.
( Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

NO WHISKY CHAT

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:42, Reply)

I dunno what's going on

( Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:45, Reply)

I prefer Battered's first album 'Takin' No Shorts'.
His later works 'Little by Little' and 'Wee Monsieur' left me cold.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

No wonder women beat you up.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

It was a really crap beating up, though.
He can't even press charges due to lack of evidence. Next time he should offer her an iron bar to encourage bruising.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:29, Reply)

I'm going to try for a glassing next time.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Stick with family tradition and go for a beheading.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Good plan.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:31, Reply)

Cor he's back five seconds and it's all drama round here

( Theoban What of it, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:35, Reply)

I for one approve of the return of our mighty underlord.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

To paraphrase Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
'Battered ain't nothin' but trouble'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

Cue appearance by Gonz...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:45, Reply)

I totally whiteknighted you last night
and did i get a tit gaz? did I fuck
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)

I saw that. Thanks Nakers.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:48, Reply)

this is like the story of easter for the modern era

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

In many ways Battered is just like Jesus.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:44, Reply)

a bent spastic?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)

Morning all, it's fucking freezing at chez Jesus this morning

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 10 Jan 2013, 9:46, Reply)