Good morning, citizens of Waqqquistan.
Good weekend? Mine was great! I saw my kid, had loads of fun with her and gave her Xmas gifts at last.

Hang on, no. The other one. Stood outside her house fruitlessly ringing the doorbell and then trudged dejectedly home. Later on I went to see some ice sculptures at Canary Wharf - they were fucking rubbish and looked like nothing so much as gigantic recreations of foul gift-shop tat. I was expecting to see a ten-foot pewter dragon holding a 'jewel' or a ceramic shepherdess. Bizarrely it was hugely popular, with massive queues.

Good week ahead? I do hope so!

I'm having to keep a diary for the first time in my life. Were you a teenage diarist in your youth? If so, I bet you have a 'blog'. I hate you, you self-important lackwit. According to the paper this morning 80% of teenage girls keep a diary. Surely that's bollocks as at least 60% of them are illiterate.

Alt: Do be quiet, there's a dear.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:23, 88 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tl:dr
I am at Luton airport, having been awake since 3.30am thanks to my daughter.

So you can all fuck off.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:29, Reply)

Unlucky.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:31, Reply)

I am flying with Wizz Air.
Jizz Air more like!!!!!!!111!!!!
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:33, Reply)

oh HO!
Sounds like a job for 'Jizz Akabussi' AHAHAHAHAHA
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:36, Reply)

Loads of kids and IT consultants. Delightful.
I may go Moaty at 30,000 feet.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:37, Reply)

That would be most out of character.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

Hope they have cleared the snow of the runway.
There was at least 6mm on my car this morning.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:32, Reply)

ar ock
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:09, Reply)

This weekend I mainly played Halo 4.
And wore my new hat.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:30, Reply)

Unlucky.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:31, Reply)

it's a nice hat.
It's a snapback by Undefeated.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:32, Reply)

*checks for Fakedozer*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:36, Reply)

my next hat will be one by Indecision.
I THINK!!!@@
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:41, Reply)

I don't get it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:50, Reply)

I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY MIND ABOUT THE HAT YET!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:55, Reply)

I'm still none the wiser.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:56, Reply)

Good weekend thanks.
I spent a few hours filing the bronze axe head that I cast 3 years ago. Still many hours left to do before I can fit it to a shaft.

Sorry to hear about your tale of woe. Really, its getting boring. Just set fire to the mental bint next time you see her.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:31, Reply)

I agree. Continually reading about it has got extremely boring.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:32, Reply)

your never-ending misanthropy
And bitterness at a world that hates you is tedious as fuck.

JSYK xx
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:35, Reply)

Cunt off you short arse wanker.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:36, Reply)

this is what I mean

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:41, Reply)

I agree.
What this place needs is more information about airports and flights to and from Poland.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:37, Reply)

YES.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:38, Reply)

NO.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

Also needs more about car tyres.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:40, Reply)

What we really need is computer spec chat.
Nowhere near enough of that on here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:41, Reply)

lol you said shaft.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:33, Reply)

I know. but I believe the correct term is haft.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:35, Reply)

NEEDS MOAR WHISKEY CHAT!

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:43, Reply)

There's a distinct lack of WHISKEY CHAT up in this muthafucker these days.
That's why I now spend most of my time on /FAQs.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:45, Reply)

I had a nice wee dram o' Monkey Shoulder yesterday.
It was OK, for welsh muck.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:47, Reply)

I had a 1000 year old Auchbruichh'lagganLADDIE.
It had peaty notes and a medicinal tang not unlike Dettol. I pretended to like it so as not to look like a 'sassenach bastard'. I'm pretty sure it worked.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:49, Reply)

that's not even in my top 5 whiskies.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:54, Reply)

I had a nice 1926 Macallan Fine and Rare.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 8:58, Reply)

Nice.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:00, Reply)

I had a 35cl bottle of 'Claymore'.
It has some very complex flavour levels.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:01, Reply)

Did whoever left it on the pub garden table have the decency to put a little coca cola in it?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:04, Reply)

No but I gain a delicious fag butt from the deal.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:05, Reply)

Here's an interesting fact told to me when I was working in a distilery just south of Inverness.
Whisky only improves whilst in the barrel. Once in a bottle, you may as well drink it, as it isn't going to get any better. The fellow was quite disparaging about wankers who kept bottles for ages and then claimed greater age for the contents. As soon as I got home I started drinking all my kept bottles.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:08, Reply)

Lusty's mum gave me a whisky tasting session for Xmas.
WATCH OUT FOR MORE WHISKY CHAT AFTER THAT!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:11, Reply)

That is neither interesting nor news.
And the main reason for keeping bottles is that the value rises with rarity. So something like a 1997 an Cnoc won't taste any better by 2025, but it will be considerably rarer and thus more valuable.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 10:11, Reply)

Thanks Yoda

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:12, Reply)

Morning.
I had an excellent weekend with almost Battered levels of heavy drinking.
Of course I didn't keep a diary. What sort of angst-ridden wet fart do you think I was a teenager?

Alt: Ok.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:08, Reply)

The kind who believes leeks cry when you pick them
so you only eat them after they've undergone a Navaho purification ceremony.

THAT kind.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:13, Reply)

It is important when consuming any member of the alium family to ingest large quantities of powerful hallucinogens and to purge your system with 30 minutes of projectile vomiting.
At least, that's what I was brought up to believe and I'm raising my kids the same way.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Me too.
I think communing with tree spirits is an essential part of the growing-up process.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:37, Reply)

Up to the back wheels in mortgage applications this weekend
An excellent steak, a decent curry and a meh roast chicken dinner.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:11, Reply)

Three dinners in two days.
You greedy cunt.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:13, Reply)

Friday is also a day OOOOP NORTH

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:15, Reply)

But not a work day.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:16, Reply)

I normally eat my dinner after leaving work
Normally
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Just another one of those crazy northern traditions!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I did practically nothing this weekend soz
I had a very nice steak on Saturday though. And following Chompy's Beef Bourguignon chat on Friday I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to find anywhere that sells unpickled pearl onions - with little success.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:13, Reply)

Any small white onions will be fine.
That's shallot.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:17, Reply)

That's what I concluded
Although unless they're really tiny shallots you can't really put them in whole. Various sites also seem to disagree whether pearl onions and baby onions are the same thing.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:20, Reply)

If you are worried about the size,
carefully remove the outer layer. You may be able to get a bag of pickling onions. They are normally quite small.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:24, Reply)

Pickling onions are a lot stronger tasting though
or so the internet assures me. There's a few places I can check on the way home from work, I'm not beaten yet.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

Post that gag, shame on you - read that gag, shame on me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:21, Reply)

Oh mate, I know how you feel.
I went to change my broadband provider from Orange to O2 and getting my MAC code was a bitch. I felt like you going to your wife, having to say "Sorry, but I'm going to have to leave your services. I've already signed the contract with another home broadband provider. That's a very generious offer, but the wheels are already in motion".... my mum taught me something to say when someone incests on something, and thats to say "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this time it's not going to happen", so I repeated that over 15 times with tears in my eyes until they said they would give me my MAC code.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:25, Reply)

Hard times, brah.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

It's your plight that gives me strength to see through it.
That and a combination of quick and long acting opiates.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

I hope you spoke up when Bert revealed his dark past then.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

It would only have been worth it if he had been in the room as Bert sodomized his sister.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:29, Reply)

wohwohwohwohowhwohowhw, WHAT?
gossip?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:41, Reply)

No, just me making a poor joke about one of your gonzisms.
I think I might still be a bit drunk.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:44, Reply)

Good work !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 10:10, Reply)

i've never incested on anything

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:51, Reply)

I watche 12 hours of people pretending to be in Cairo in 1926.
It was much better than that makes it sound.

And I did keep a diary, yes. I'd forgotten I did, but I found it when my parents called me round to see if I wanted to keep any of the junk they'd cleared out of their loft.

Apparetntly Pretty Woman was a 7/10 film. "It was quite good and I sat next to Claire but I don't think she likes me". No wonder I took to drink, I was hearbroken with shit taste in films.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:25, Reply)

Awwwww, that's the saddest diary extract I've ever heard.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:26, Reply)

I know. That Anne Frank didn't know how easy she had it.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:27, Reply)

I bet Anne Frank never got caught trying to bum herself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Well, it did get awfully boring in that loft.
The only excitement she had was when someone knocked on the door, the rest of the time she had to
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:33, Reply)

HAD TO WHAT? I MUS KNO!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:38, Reply)

keep fucking quiet

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:40, Reply)

I watched a very exciting NFL game last night.
The Falcons almost spunked away their 20 point advantage but managed to score a field goal with 8 seconds left on the clock.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:25, Reply)

That really does sound super-exciting.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:28, Reply)

I mean, I'm pretty darn excited just reading about it.
Heaven knows how much more excited I would have been had I actually seen it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:29, Reply)

I reckon you would have been so excited you would have stopped caring about your daughter for about half an hour.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Maybe even longer!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:30, Reply)

Steady on Monty, it's only a sports game.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:31, Reply)

Not to me it isn't. It's a way of life.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:32, Reply)

You'd better not put that in your diary
it might count against you.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:37, Reply)

Good thinking!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:38, Reply)

The NHL is kicking off on saturday now, there are like a bazilian games on.
LETS GO PITTSBURG LETS GO !!!! LETS GO PITTSBURG LETS GO !!!! We're up against the flyers now.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:45, Reply)

I watched 'John dies at the end'
Very enjoyable film
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:33, Reply)

Was it about a teenage girl called John who had the misfortune to go to school with a girl who's dad was a completely unreasonable cunt?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:34, Reply)

Morning Al!
Strangely, it wasn't about that. If one comes out, I'm sure you'll post a link to it,
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:37, Reply)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THREAD!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:52, Reply)