Over the weekend, I got a call from an non-oriental-asian call centre...
... bloke told me he was from my "Computer or broadband supplyer". I could barely make out what he was saying because his accent was so strong. Directed me to ts926 [dot] com, which contains links to stuff that contains viruses. Then he tried to take over my computer using TeamViewer.

I posted about it on facebook, and apparnetly it's prolific, and they've conned a few of grandparents of people I know. Scumbags.

Alt1: I need to go somewhere hot with cocktails and my feet dangling in water. And prawns the size of lobsters. And beutiful women who go at least to third base.

Alt2: I got a cold, this is dangerous 'cus of my other shit. I'm gonna make myself a lemon/honey/whisky drink in a bit, I still got the whisky left over from when I last had a cold.

Alt3: Turn ons?

Alt4: Billion Squid Idea: Scrabble, only using periodic table elements, and you gotta make molecules.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:48, 130 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

They are cunts
They get you to look at the Windows event viewer, then tell you the errors in it are down to viruses, which is utter bollocks. If you give them remote access to your PC they will steal any password or payment details they can find.

Also, as more people get wise they are becoming more rude and aggressive. Cunts, the lot of them.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:52, Reply)

I must admit, it was fun at the end when I got to go off at him and call him all the names under the sun.
I should have gotten up to getting his TeamViewer number then reported him.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:54, Reply)

People are conning cunts Gonz
This should not shock you
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:52, Reply)

this is just a badly packed kebab you shyster!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:59, Reply)

We get those calls a lot, unfortunately
A bit of the old "We don't even own a computer, and if you call this number again I will be contacting the police" seems to do the trick.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)

I was almost racist to him =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:05, Reply)

Well, they do make you very angry
Natural in that situation to lose ones cool :)
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:07, Reply)

that's ok, being of race yourself you can get away with it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:09, Reply)

no one ever phones me :(
Barbados is where it's at at the moment

why is a cold so dangerous?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:59, Reply)

if he sneezes his arse might explode.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:01, Reply)

I could do with a trip to Barbados, the region gets featured a lot on Food Network and i'd like a bit of that.
I got a fucked up imume system and have to check my blood levels every few hours.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:03, Reply)

They are horrible scum, but I've never had a call from them.
In fact, I've never had a card stolen or cloned or any data stolen or anything bad happen to me with a computer. Not even a virus. And I know fuck all about computers really.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 12:59, Reply)

I borrowed your identity once
I put it back where I found it when I was done, mind.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:00, Reply)

what did you do with it?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:01, Reply)

Got a small business loan
By that I mean the business was small; the loan was frighteningly large.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:02, Reply)

I'm glad your windypig facemask business is at least off the ground

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:05, Reply)

Well it's baby steps, you know?
We've not shifted a lot of units, but we're making contacts in the right places. Thinking of contacting James Caan. He'd be all over this idea.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

He'd certainly be more use than James... Caan't AHAHAHAHAHA
His name is a bit like the word 'can' - a verb meaning 'be able to' - you see?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:09, Reply)

Wait a minute, let me look over the details
*mutter* So CAAN is his name...*mumble*...CAN is a word that means 'be able to'...*hums*...You know what? You're right! This checks out!
GOOD WORK AS USUAL!
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:11, Reply)

Thanks TH.
It's always good to have a second person check over your work.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:12, Reply)

*peer reviews*

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:13, Reply)

'who', not 'what', thank-you-very-much.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:03, Reply)

I ain't had any virus/credit card fraud.
The worst was when my phone inssurance didn't cancel the direct debit when I closed the account, 'cus it's a "third party" and I paid £12/month for 2 years not realising it was for a service I don't use.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:04, Reply)

I've heard good things about newport pagnell

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:04, Reply)

Nah' man, I don't believe you. I don't think you've heard anything about newport pagnell.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:05, Reply)

I bet your frantacly googling right now, now I've called you out on it.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

Unless this is where you live, or go reguarly, in which case, I'm updating the database.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

you've caught me out :( I don't have my copy of the lord of the rings next to me right now

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

I do it all the time
and I sell the credit card numbers to monty
( Peej, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:04, Reply)

that's ma boy

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:05, Reply)

I've never seen a credit card number that spelt boobies

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

I'm a bit unsympathetic to victims of conmen.
If your granny keeps all her money in a biscuit tin under the bed and then lets some 17 year old chav into her house to read the meter and then fucks off to make a cup of tea, she obviously doesn't deserve to keep that money.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:06, Reply)

Yeah and that girl got raped only has herself to blame for wearing slutty clothes and being outside when it's dark

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:08, Reply)

Chompy, give Apey his login back

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:09, Reply)

You shouldn't let women outside after dark
or is that mogwais, I can never remember.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:10, Reply)

Never get women wet. That's the rule and I stick to it.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:33, Reply)

I'm sort of with you on that one
It's amazing how many people fall for the really dumb ones...the Nigerian president's son and all that business.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:10, Reply)

:o(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:10, Reply)

An old lady being manipulated is one thing
But if you're promised untold riches for helping someone you've never even met...seems like only a proper dummy would fall for that.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:13, Reply)

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people can be.
No matter how cynical I am, no matter how little I think of people in general, they somehow contrive to lower my expectations.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:11, Reply)

here to help

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:13, Reply)

nothing is foolproof
to a sufficiently talented fool.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:13, Reply)

Don't get me started in drunk girls in short skirts.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:43, Reply)

I've never had these people call me up.
I find it bizarre that anybody would be stupid enough to just believe some random fucker that called up out of the blue to say you had viruses on your computer.
( Kroney, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:09, Reply)

Talk talk are really helpful like that, they cleaned my computer right up

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:11, Reply)

Talk /
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:13, Reply)

Life's what you make it, I suppose.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:21, Reply)

No wonder he's a laughing stock.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

how did you get the viruses eh nakkers?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:30, Reply)

they were in the cable when I bought it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:31, Reply)

From "Your computer company or broadband supplier", that was their literal words. Not "O2" / "Apple" .

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:19, Reply)

Alt$
that's not a bad idea, maybe. Probably a bit of a niche market, though?

Plus you'd need 14 thousand carbons and hydrogens.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:14, Reply)

When you say 'asian' do you mean 'chinky' or 'paki' asian?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:16, Reply)

In all seriousness, what do you call the non-oriental non-malay(san) type? Indians and Pakistanies and possibly Afganis ?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:18, Reply)

pakis

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:19, Reply)

'bud-buds'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:20, Reply)

Haha
Oh lord
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:21, Reply)

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:22, Reply)

Indibums

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:21, Reply)

doon coons

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:22, Reply)

One of my teachers at school once told us that black people don't get acne
And stomach was spelt "stomick". One of my classmates was punished for arguing that one.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:23, Reply)

bloody hell

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:24, Reply)

She was ridiculous
The only reason she still taught there was because a) she'd been there for 35 years already and b) she was close to retirement. But yeah...I'd be furious if my kids were being taught by someone like that.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:25, Reply)

Broken britain

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:25, Reply)

I once got thrown out of class and called a nazi because I said "Employeers should be able to employ who they want, not forced to employe people 'cus of race"
She just went phsyco and chucked me out.

I realise why that ain't always right, but not 'cus of her.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

He said non oriental asian.
Read it properly.

Deacon.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:19, Reply)

I just wanted to say some rude words.
WEE-WEE!!!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:20, Reply)

+ tapir

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:21, Reply)

When I was young my mother taught me a 'rude' song from her childhood. And it goes..a little something....like this:
'Ma's out, Pa's out, let's talk rude! Pee po belly bum drawers'

I hav no idea why that's popped into my head nor why I felt the need to share.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:32, Reply)

I for one am hugely glad that you did

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:33, Reply)

That is nothing short of extraordinary
Similarly, my Nan taught me the 'milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate's made' song.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:33, Reply)

She taught me some incredible things too.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:44, Reply)

pee po?
whats a pee po?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:34, Reply)

pee po is like peeka-boo

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

Mind your own business

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)

1. Pee - urine
2. Po - a chamber pot


Glad to help x

(I think perhaps I should edit it and punctuate it)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:38, Reply)

I don't believe you.
Edit: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Po
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:39, Reply)

*sigh*
A chamber pot (also a chamberpot, a jordan,[1] a jerry, a po (possibly from French: pot de chambre), a gazunder (likely a contraction of "goes under"), a piss pot, a potty, or a thunder pot) is a bowl-shaped container with a handle, and often a lid, kept in the bedroom under a bed or in the cabinet of a nightstand and generally used as a toilet at night. In Victorian times, some chamber pots would be built into a cabinet with a closable cover.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

i still don't believe you,
and am going to mock you.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)

Well really.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:56, Reply)

You used a chamber pot?
How quaint.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:40, Reply)

Wait a minute
What's rude about a belly?
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:41, Reply)

It's an intrinsically funny word.
Particularly in that context.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

Listen don't shoot the messenger OK?
Bellies have been rude since the early 50s.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:43, Reply)

My favorite joke growing up was
b3ta.com/search/answers?q=ghost+that+guards+the+toast
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:38, Reply)

alt4: I've got a euromillions ticket so that's how I'll make millions.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:34, Reply)

i got 1 number last week!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:36, Reply)

I might buy 5 pounds worth of lottery tickets instead of donating a fiver to comic relief.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:37, Reply)

Good thinking, you're encouraging sport and other good causes and shit.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:38, Reply)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21785976
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

oh, Facebook.
Rather proud of my Awesome 10 year old- yesterday school told all the kids they could go in not in uniform if they donate 50p to Comic Relief. D's response?

'I'm not going to give my money to an organisation like Comic Relief because its not changing anything. Giving aid to Africa is great but its not making the leaders do anything to solve the problems and help their people. They should be doing that, but they wont so I'm going to wear my school uniform tomorrow'.

Kids got the whole foreign aid problem sussed!
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:39, Reply)

Hmmmm, definitely bovine.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:41, Reply)

yup.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:43, Reply)

Your awesome 10 year old what?

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

I don't think this is the important part of my post.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:43, Reply)

I now completely understand
And yes...I too doubt the verisimilitude of the child's statement.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)

That is pretty awesome, and I completely agree. I reckon we should give terms with the charity they get.
Two things though
1) I'm sad I'm not on your FB ! I'm super totes well amuzing on FB.
2) You have a 10 year old kid ?!! Didn't know that.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:46, Reply)

amuzing

creepy.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:47, Reply)

Nah', that full-stop doens't go there.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:54, Reply)

we are friends on FB,
I don't have a child. This was not me that posted this. And I'm not in support of the statement, in fact, I'm almost sure its a lie.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:48, Reply)

OHHHHHHOH OH OH OH OH , Sorry, I get it.
I thought you were talking about your kid.

Yeah', it does need some dragons'n'shit.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:58, Reply)

I feel that hasn't been any mention of Ben Hardwick recently around here.
Would someone please remember to do so next week?

Thanks.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:42, Reply)

who?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:44, Reply)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Hardwick
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:44, Reply)

boy gets liver,
boy dies?
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:47, Reply)

Kids who watched That's life liked to joke about him dying.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:49, Reply)

Boy's tale is all over the TV and a terrible charity single is released = schoolboys LOL inappropriately

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:49, Reply)

You forgot
boy is on popular TV programme "That's Life" every week for over a year.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:50, Reply)

Plus Newsround, Blue Peter etc

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:52, Reply)

so, he was on Tv loads, and then got a liver, and then died?
pretty harsh.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:00, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1900540
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:05, Reply)

This was in the days of Joey Deacon, Ethiopian famine jokes etc
Different times, WP.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:08, Reply)

boy gets liver ANDREW MARR HAS STROKE!!!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:52, Reply)

SIR TREVOR MCDONALD UNABLE TO REACH!

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:55, Reply)

YESSSSS!!! *MARRFIVES*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:56, Reply)

Q: What's yellow and doesn't like liver?


A. Ben Hardwick!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:45, Reply)

YES

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:46, Reply)

i feel like I just shat a kidney, if that helps

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:51, Reply)

That's possible
given its proximity to your sidearse.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:57, Reply)

The coleslaw in Poland isn't very nice.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:57, Reply)

coleslaw is rank in any country
do a new thread
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:57, Reply)

I have started several threads today (admittedly not as many as yesterday) so it's somebody else's turn.
Not you though, because your threads are shit.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:59, Reply)

i'm, gonna do one now, just to annoy YOU

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:59, Reply)

NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD
NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:02, Reply)

I can't imagine anyone anywhere has enjoyed a "russian salad".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 13:58, Reply)

that shit is vile

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:05, Reply)

NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD
NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD NEW THREAD
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 14:01, Reply)