Good evening deviants & shitcunts.
I am in a fucking excellent mood. New tablets have stopped me puking & seem to be making me better and I've just had some fantastic fatherhood related news.

Also, my daughter is 2 next week & it's been agreed that I will make her birthday cake. Given kids like characters, themes etc. what should I make?

Alt: it seems that newbies like Doctor Frog could benefit from some sort of /OT guide. What would you put in it?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:47, 187 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

'If you go for a pizza with Swipe, for fuck's sake, offer to go halves'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:50, Reply)

'Don't eat anything cooked by Gonzo'.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:50, Reply)

'Cable Chat is strictly forbidden'

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:50, Reply)

Discussions about long stools

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:24, Reply)

Great news
ask TuiB for his Mung Bean cake recipe

alt: don't EVAH steal massive drugs from Stunned poster
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:54, Reply)

It's my daughter's birthday, I could never be so cruel. I reckon it'll be a chocolate cake.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:56, Reply)

Make a golly wog

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:57, Reply)

I thought cup-cakes were all the rage now

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:59, Reply)

Cup cakes are SOOOOO 2011
IDIOT
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:15, Reply)

ohhhhh :(
*hangs head in shame*
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:22, Reply)

'Try not to trip over battered'
So have you made amends with the ex and sorted regular custody?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:57, Reply)

Custody/ contact hasn't been a problem overall; I'm lucky due to the type of work I do that I see a lot more of my daughter than a lot of married dads do.
Just had a couple of bits to sort through which could have been unpleasant.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:01, Reply)

goatse cake

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 18:59, Reply)

Patta-cake

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:00, Reply)

Eddie Kidd cake?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:16, Reply)

Hash cake

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:34, Reply)

I AM HONOURED.
Here are some questions for you...
Who is Rory?
Who is Al?
What's Pizzagate all about?
What are the MARR references?
What the fuck is Frank/Icky hoping to achieve?
Is Monty Boyce a cunt?
Will Battered ever get better?

Love from Frogger. X x
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:18, Reply)

All you need to know is that Al is a cunt.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:20, Reply)

Is it really that simple?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:21, Reply)

ok, here goes, in strict order
A Cunt
A Cunt
A Cunt
A Repetitive Cunt
Cunt
Yes
Sadly Yes. The Cunt.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:21, Reply)

Understood. Mostly cunts here then, looks like I should be ok.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:22, Reply)

ALL THIS AND MORE IN NEXT WEEKS EPISODE OF SOAP
*Music plays out*
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:21, Reply)

Also remember that Swipe is a morbidly obese, lonely northern slapper with ginger hair.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:23, Reply)

This is blatantly obvious, even to me.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:24, Reply)

and you

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:24, Reply)

You're going to fit in well here Frogger.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:24, Reply)

this may be the most unfortunate thing for anyone
ever
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:25, Reply)

It's verging on a 'no winners here' situation.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:27, Reply)

go and vomit up a lung
then choke on it x
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:24, Reply)

I thought you were remarkably restrained earlier when Chompy was bearing his soul.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:25, Reply)

the thing is
i don't give a fuck if he marries her or scratches himself to a bloody, lonely death in a doorway whilst begging for spare change. i dislike how he behaved towards me, and will reference it unless/until he straps on a pair and says sorry. the rest is academic!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:27, Reply)

What did he do then?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:36, Reply)

short story
behaved like a cheapskate and a cowardly cunt when i thought we were friends. then said nasty things behind my back, which i heard third hand. that is all.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:39, Reply)

Uncalled for. It's much better to say nasty things to someone's face, then you know for sure that you have hurt and upset them.
Which is important.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:40, Reply)

wise words
more people should live by this.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:41, Reply)

I'm like a cuntish Ghandi innit.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:42, Reply)

so starving yourself to death?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:43, Reply)

Starving *others* to death.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:44, Reply)

much better

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:52, Reply)

It's a selfless act.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:53, Reply)

I still don't know this story. Can we have a dramatic reenactment at some point

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:41, Reply)

bring some toothpicks to keep your eyes open

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:43, Reply)

I think he's trying, if he hasn't shat them out already.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:26, Reply)

If two people post the same thing it's an Andrew Marr moment
Wavy lines it all started here

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1826433#post1826440
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:27, Reply)

A ha! That one had confused me for a while.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:30, Reply)

Urinal cake

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:34, Reply)

Ha!
Alright Bob?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:34, Reply)

Aye, just got back from flying the kites. Gonna stick a movie on and relax I think

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:37, Reply)

that's an interesting sig
i am running later, does that make me a licker?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:35, Reply)

My mate said it in the gym, made me laugh,

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:36, Reply)

just checking
my PT made me do chest presses yesterday, my arms are bloody killing me
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:37, Reply)

I did arms and back this morning and have been flying power kites all avo, I'm going to struggle to have my morning wank at this rate

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:40, Reply)

that's.... a nice, nice image
what happened to that girl you were boffing?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:41, Reply)

Haha, she's boffing someone else now.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:45, Reply)

What about you? Find anyone better than the gay bf?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:45, Reply)

that limped to a conclusion a few weeks ago
so no, not yet. i would like to be a real licker, because men suck, but i just don't fancy girls :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:50, Reply)

That's a shame, sorry to hear it.
Get blind drunk and sleep with a chick, you might like it
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:55, Reply)

She ent gonna sleep with you just cos you've got tits

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:57, Reply)

moobs are tres off-putting
not that we know if bobby has them these days
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:58, Reply)

I dunno if being a trainee teacher in port talbot pays enough for surgery

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:00, Reply)

I'll just oil up and gaz you some pics

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:00, Reply)

Dunno why not, they're cracking.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:59, Reply)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:27, Reply)

there's a fucking brilliant doc on Quadrophenia on iPlayer
Miss it at your peril, dickheads
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:45, Reply)

Mods are bent

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:45, Reply)

I didn't know you were a mod.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:46, Reply)

Yer, I'm up to my knuckles in a jack Russell right now

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:54, Reply)

Is b@th still a mod? If so I'm telling

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:47, Reply)

Downloaded this earlier. It better be good or I will be mean to you on the Internet.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:48, Reply)

Which reminds me I recorded the Punk thing that was on last Friday
It better be good
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:51, Reply)

punk britannia?
Not bad but Filth and the Fury is better
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:54, Reply)

Yep that's the one about 6 hours of it

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:58, Reply)

it's fantastic

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:55, Reply)

Well, you've been warned.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 19:57, Reply)

Ahhhh the good Doctor, you should start a thread tomorrow asking us for out favorite stories on here
here's one of mine

b3ta.com/questions/pe/post573826

Not just because Chompy got stepped for a week
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:00, Reply)

much as friz was a weirdo
that drawing was superb
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:03, Reply)

I can't believe that I had been lurking for all those years

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:06, Reply)

But now you post instead! YEY!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:07, Reply)

If it wasn't for someone asking about Words and pictures in 2011 I never would have bothered
So it's all their fault
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:11, Reply)

I will do this. Because I will be up and on the train before you shower of cunts are even awake.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:36, Reply)

No, if you don't like it you're a spastic

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:02, Reply)

Yo

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:37, Reply)

Was going to put
'YOUR A SPAZTICK', but I think I will leave that 90s style 'yo' instead.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:39, Reply)

all the more for the fact that I really don't like the album

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:04, Reply)

Make sure to save AAs anecdotes in case you are called to make an emergency after dinner speech

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:16, Reply)

I like this.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:17, Reply)

are called to make an emergency after dinner speech haven't got much money whilst at the cinema
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:18, Reply)

My options for dinner this evening.
Beefeater
TGI friday
Nando's
A Harvester
Frankie and Benny
Weatherspoons
Chimichanga (or something)

Anyone?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:18, Reply)

Harvester
Maybe
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:18, Reply)

It all looks a bit plastic here Nakers.
And there are a lot of 'yoof' with hooded tops loitering and spitting on the floor. It's a desperate place.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:21, Reply)

I feel for you bro
I'm going to Huddersfield in October :(
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:23, Reply)

Make sure you have your jabs before you go.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:24, Reply)

Tgi Friday will probably do a decent burger or ribs maybe, but will be full of cunts

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:22, Reply)

I've seen a number of families go in.
School holidays, family friendly restaurant equals 'bound to be shit'.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:23, Reply)

Actually first things first, have you got a voucher?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:23, Reply)

haha
No, but the voucher cloud app refuses to believe I went further than Manchester!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:25, Reply)

You are beyond the civilisation of voucher cloud, good luck brave soldier, good luck

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:26, Reply)

If you want a steak the Beefeater.
Anything else; pot luck between that lot. Plus, isn't the Beefeater right by the Premier Inn in Halifax?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:26, Reply)

Wow good travel tavern/chain restaurant knowledge

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:29, Reply)

That was his industry for a while

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:30, Reply)

Yeah I remember, tough job
Not sure I could get into the mindset of the dead eyed drones who like those places
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:33, Reply)

It was one of four pub and restaurant chains I ran for Whitbread last year.
Plus, a few years ago I was marketing director for Pizza Hut, so I know the sector.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:33, Reply)

What'll they manage to stuff into the crust next!! Donuts I reckon

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:35, Reply)

Ridiculous business. I had a team of 30, a marketing budget of about £28million.
Just to sell what is essentially cheese on toast.

Very profitable cheese on toast mind.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:37, Reply)

I'm sure; far too stodgy for me
But I guess that's the whole point innit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

Take out pizza has gone the way of DFS
If you pay full price you've done something wrong.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

It IS the Premier Inn.
They will be doing me breakfast.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:29, Reply)

IIRC it's a new PM. Only opened back end of last year.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:33, Reply)

Certainly looks new
As Premier Inns go, it's probably the nicest one I've used. It's still clean.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:35, Reply)

Franky and bennys is alright. There's chips.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:42, Reply)

Oh, the Mecca Bingo
Are offering 'two main meals for £4.99'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:25, Reply)

How is that possible?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:28, Reply)

It'll be shit?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:30, Reply)

+ a

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:34, Reply)

Beans on toast x2?

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:33, Reply)

'Snip & ping' as its known.
Microwave meals. Nasty ones at that.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:34, Reply)

Beefeater
Are offering a 24oz Rib-eye on the bone.

Thirty four quid.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

It's a sharing dish for 2, takes 45 mins to cook (inc ten minutes resting). It's good. As its a new BF it's got the new menu.
It was my team that created that menu. Trufax.

Ribeye for one. is your best bet. With triple cooked chips.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:43, Reply)

On it.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Well, I will be after a beer.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:46, Reply)

The bone prolly weighs 15oz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:43, Reply)

Some small amount of microwaved bland crap
with cold chips and peas.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:37, Reply)

Or a Frank special

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:38, Reply)

Disturbingly,
I read that as a bloke called Frank will wank on a plate...twice.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:40, Reply)

Hahaha, grim

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:41, Reply)

Best £4.99 you'll ever spend.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Hahahaha yeah

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:41, Reply)

Can I order one Wooh check 'em
With a side of 'we have a laugh here'.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:43, Reply)

tekkers

(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Flowed by a pudding of "sitting and staring at the walls that are closing in on me" and espresso with a biscotti

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:45, Reply)

Drizzled with parrot shit.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:50, Reply)

whoa
i thought they were chocolate chips
(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 20:51, Reply)

Whilst you haven't technically started a thread I'm supposed to tell you to
Get fucked, just in case I miss one later

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2054675
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 21:03, Reply)

Start a thread HH I need entertaining.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 19 Aug 2013, 21:09, Reply)