Halp!
I want to cook dinner for my boyfriend tonight, but have the following problems with cooking:
I'm shit
He's picky

Can any of you chefs out there help me with something simple but impressive? It must have meat in it, he refuses to eat anything that might be accused of being vegetarian. Also, no curries, cream sauces or tomatoes. See? Picky!!

I'll resist the urget to make a rubbish pun about cordon bleurgh.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:44, 25 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Make him
go away, and make me dinner instead.

I'll eat anything.

*waggles eyebrows at your nether region*

EDIT Just kidding! Make him mince and tatties, it's a scottish thing that sort of turns out like baby food. Think cottage pie.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:47, Reply)

I would love to
but I wouldn't want to come up against Pooflake, he'll scratch my eyes right out!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:48, Reply)

Pooflake's not my boyfriend, althegeordie is
and he doesn't mind sharing.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:49, Reply)

bacon sandwich
with brown sauce
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:50, Reply)

YES
Halfy's right; BIG FAT fry up, any man would be happy with that.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:50, Reply)

Potato bake
Thinly slice potatoes into lovely discs, parboil til they go a little but floppy (five mins), same with parsnips, chuck in some chopped onions, garlic, chopped chorizo and grated gruyere (or any cheese you like really) - layer the lot and bake for about 15 minutes at 180 - yummy, filling, looks cool.

If you want to serve it next to a steak, that's ace too.

Melting blue cheese on your steak in the grill is always a good idea in my book.

Gaz me for more if you like.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:51, Reply)

That sounds like a recipe
for chlamydia.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:51, Reply)

Oops
The recipe for chlamydia was aimed at Bert Monkeysex, not the nice sounding potato chorizo thing!!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:52, Reply)

@Kitty
You are talking to me, and not insulting baz's recipe, aren't you?

EDIT Yes you are. Chlamydia tastes just like party rings, we love it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:52, Reply)

sound :)
I love spuds.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:53, Reply)

Simple but impressive.
Mix an equal amount of sour cream and mustard together in a bowl.

Pour out breadcrumbs on a plate.

Take a chicken breast. Rinse it and dry it.

Smear the mustard and sour cream over the chicken breast.

Put the gooey chicken breast on the plate of breadcrumbs and cover it with more of them, then pick it up and put it in a baking dish. (Probably be smart to put a layer of bread crumbs in the bottom of the baking dish too before you lay the chicken in it.)

Repeat with as many pieces of chicken as you like.

Put it in the oven. 350F (177C) for about a half hour.

Serve it with a veggie of some sort. Personally I like to steam some broccoli and put butter and lemon juice on it.

Serve either with a dry white wine or a light ale.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:54, Reply)

I think I'll give that one a try,
Once again to clarify: the potato bake, NOT the chlamydia.

He does love the spanish sausage. Unless he was talking about Pedro, the waiter at our local Mexican....
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:55, Reply)

Ooh and that one,
Thanks Loon
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:56, Reply)

*offers chlamydia*
Are you sure you won't have a bite?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:59, Reply)

To steam broccoli easily
cut the broccoli up and put it in a glass bowl. Put about half an inch (or a little more) water in the bottom. Cover with plastic wrap. Put in the microwave for 6 minutes.

Carefully take it out of the microwave. Cut a couple of little slits in the plastic wrap, then pour off the water. Cut up some butter and throw it in there and cover it again for a minute to let it melt. Pour a little lemon juice over it. Stir and serve.

(I've served this and the chicken to company. Very easy and effective.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:00, Reply)

Hmmm
I can't say I'm a huge fan of deep fried disease. It's the salt content.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:00, Reply)

Pork loin
Get a small pork loin, some rubbed sage, salt, black pepper and flour. Sprinkle the rubbed sage onto the loin, followed by pepper and salt. Rub some flour into it, coating the entire thing.

Put in 350F oven for 30-45 minutes. Easy way to check if it's done without cutting it: take a carving fork and stick in in to the middle of the roast for about ten seconds, then pull it out and rest the tips of it against your lip. If it's cool, leave the meat in a while longer. If it's warm (not burning hot, but warm) pull the meat out and let it sit for about ten minutes before slicing it.

This also works with beef- only you'd want to leave off the sage for beef.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:07, Reply)

show off
Fried chicken breast tastes extra yum when you marinade it in honey and mustard (best is equal amounts of English mustard and Maille).

Make sure your pan is hot - bung in the breast, seal, turn, seal then turn down heat til it cooks through - should be about 10-15 mins.

Tasty, healthy, looks great!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:12, Reply)

Steak & Chips!!!!!!
Read above. Real men like it blue, rare or medium rare...

Fry the bastard in butter - between thirty seconds and 180 seconds per side depending on heat. Just don't burn the fucker and tilt the pan and spoon the butter back on top of the top-side.

35p bag of Over Chips from LIDLS - bake enough for 2 obviously. Perhaps grill a tomato and fry some mushrooms with the steak, lump in some coleslaw and your onto an absolute TREAT!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:23, Reply)

Nononononononononono!
With a fry-up or steak and chips, he'll be happy but he will not be impressed.

If you cook something fab with apparent ease, he will be in awe of you and thus find you stunningly attractive and you can abuse this power to get something out of him.

Every girl knows that :)
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:27, Reply)

nommy food
Fry lots of garlic and fresh chilli together in butter. Add prawns, thinly sliced spring onions, red pepper: pour in some white wine, let it all reduce. Serve with buttered spaghetti.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:34, Reply)

Why not get a take out
And sex him after he's gone through your bargain bucket. I don't know any man who rates food over sex. Seriously, save yourself time and effort.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:58, Reply)

Try...
... my mum's layer pie:
potatoes, mince, beef stock cube, carrots, onion, cheese, tin of processed peas.

Peel and slice the potatoes and carrots. Fry the mince up in a pan, add about half a pint of stock and thicken with cornflour (water and a tablespoon of cornflour till it looks like cream). Layer in a casserole dish (potatoes, mince, carrots, peas, potatoes etc) ending with a layer of potatoes.

Make an onion sauce: fry up onions with a lot of butter, add flour, then milk, and simmer stir well till creamy. Pour over the stuff in the casserole dish.

Bake in the oven on medium for about an hour and a half. Last 15 min, grate cheddar cheese onto the top and turn up the oven to melt and crisp.

makes a proper filling meal :)
(Celebgil, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 18:16, Reply)

The one thing about mine
is that it takes very little preparation, is not labor intensive, and is unusual. Thus you can set things cooking while chatting with him, have some wine and some cheese and crackers while it's cooking, zap the broccoli about ten minutes before the chicken is done, and have it all come out together- with very little fuss.

I have other great recipes, but they're more labor intensive. I was trying to go with easy and foolproof.

Let us know what you made and how it went over.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:23, Reply)

read my beans recipe in the Top Tips section
always impresses
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:57, Reply)