It’s that time of year again…

When everyone has the fucking flu, the fevers, or some sort of debilitating illness that knocks you on your arse…whilst making you feel like runny-nosed, can’t-be-arsed-to-move, bags of re-fried dogshite.

It feels like I have been one of these poor suffering malingerers for months now…

So come on you bunch of clever fuckers – Cure us!

Or, to put it another way, does anybody know of any good treatments for a cold?

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 12:50, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just have to lay my hands on you
And ye shall be cured.

But I don't like touching people.
( Cawl, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 12:55, Reply)

My cock up your arse
That's what I tell the mrs anyway.

She doesn't think it's true.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 12:57, Reply)

The trick is to build up your immune system during the year.
Lots of healthy food and excercise.


Yeah I know.


Hahahahahahahahahah!
( girlinthehole, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:00, Reply)

Half a bottle of 'Famous Grouse'
If you're feeling posh, you can combine the above with lemon juice and hot water.

It works a treat, however Lemsip is roughly 1/5 of the cost.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:14, Reply)

@PJM
If you were feeling posh, you wouldn't be drinking Grouse...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:15, Reply)

@pooflake
At this time of year, you know what you need to do.

Go to the bogs with a crossword and crap yourself.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:16, Reply)

Not having the heating on so high.
Why do people have their heating blasting out so it's 30C indoors? Germs breed in the warm.
Totally unnecessary.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:19, Reply)

^^^
But damp air causes nice lung infections too.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:20, Reply)

The best cure for a cold or flu
is to grow a pair of balls and stop being such a girl.

I've had the flu for a few days now, but I'm storming through it because of my ginormous hairy testicles.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:21, Reply)

I love your
ginormous hairy testicles. I've got a nasty cold too, but i'm storming through it by lying in bed thinking of your testicles.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:22, Reply)

You tosser
I knew I must have caught it from you, it was that big tongue-y kiss on Friday night.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:23, Reply)

@Al
Not when you've got a dehumidifier like I have.
Haven't been ill for years - obviously not just because of that, but it helps.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:24, Reply)

Dehumidifiers
make the air warm, but i'm not interested in having an argument about whether or not you should put the heating on.

Bert - I fear yo may be correct. Although you didn't really open your mouth so I don't think it really counted.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:26, Reply)

Heating is for the weak!
Whisky mac, or a hot toddie works for me.

If it's decent Scotch you should drink it straight though.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:31, Reply)

al
you still managed to worm your tongue between my lips.

Oooooh, I'm getting myself all turned on now.

@Sam I'd agree with that, I have a bottle of ten year old Passport scotch and an eight year old Oban at home (presents from my grandad who worked in a distillery), and I would never even dream of spoiling them by adding anything.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:33, Reply)

I've been
on a permanent horn all day now.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:35, Reply)

not sure if you're allowed to be off topic in off topic but
why does going out in the cold make me need to pee ? surely getting my not inconsiderable cock out and losing some lovely warm liquid is a bad idea when freezy cold ?
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:36, Reply)

Isn't it
something to do with everything shrinking in the cold?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:42, Reply)

happyjoy
because you aren't sweating it out...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Because
when Bert is out in the cold, my cock up his arse squeezes his bladder and makes him pee.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:44, Reply)

happyjoy
How else are you going to get the frost off your windscreen without any de-icer?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:45, Reply)

al
it also squeezes my prostate, which makes me spooge gallons of my built-up man-wee.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:46, Reply)

Nice Bert!
Passport is blended though isn't it?

I'm currently working my way through my birthday present *smug* (edit: for those who think I'm an alcoholic, I'm actually currently sat at my desk drinking tea. Don't (usually) start on the Scotch til I've finished work for the day)

I also have a bottle of Jura which I've been making the whisky macs with; ordinarily I'd consider it too nice but it's been relegated to second best whisky!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:46, Reply)

Passport is blended
but this particular bottle is extremely very nice, Oban is by far and away my most favourite and best scotch though. Laphroaig is tramp's piss by comparison.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:51, Reply)

oneinthepink
your answer sounds like a giant euphemism
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:52, Reply)

Giant euphemism
sounds like a great way of describing berts cock.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:57, Reply)

just man-up and stop being a sissy
exercise, fresh air and loads of fresh veg will clear you up in no time
(Jerry Atrick knows he is better than yew, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 13:57, Reply)

Oban is bloody nice
but I'm an Islay malt man at heart.

I've tried 30 year Laphroaig and tramp piss it is most certainly not!

I wish I had an income to support my tastes...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:01, Reply)

*starts rubbing his giant euphemism in al's face*

Me too Sam, me too. I've only ever tried the standard Laphroaig, I'm sure any 30 year old scotch would go down better than a twelve year old indonesian prostitute.

Oooh! and highland park is bloody lovely too, can't remember if it's a single malt though. EDIT just checked, and yes it is.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:01, Reply)

happy
Giant? Not in the cold it isn't.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:02, Reply)

oneinthepink
are you kidding me? Even in the cold this morning I mustered up a good six inches, but because I haven't seen the lady-wife in a while it's currently overgrown and resembles a fetus hiding in a barber shop.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:04, Reply)

Cold cure?
I'm currently using one of those Vick's Inhaler things to try and clear my sinuses. So as far as the other guys in my office can see, I'm sticking a white, plastic and distinctly phallic object up my nose and taking a deep drag on it. I'm charming company sometimes.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:17, Reply)

serious answer
American cold drugs are AMAZING - nyquil and dayquil - not sure if they are licenced in the uk, but they work very well - i'll be shipping several packets home with me at christmas. Otherwise, the vicks first defence thing works surprisingly well - if you ignore the pseudo scientific bullshit about plant extracts fighting a cold, and realise it's just a nasal lavage - I've used it a few times, and have converted several folks to it now - if used as soon as you start feeling rough, and continue to do so for a few days, it really does reduce cold symptoms. stings like a bastard when you first use it though.
( ascorbate, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:28, Reply)

oh
and vitamin c does not cure colds. it prevents scurvy though, so is useful for pirates.
( ascorbate, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:30, Reply)

an international suggestion
my ukrainian students swear by whisky with lemon and pepper in it; the poles say to drink vodka with pepper in it; and the thais say a good, garlicky, hot curry.

get well soon, everyone!
( gypsy turnips, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:32, Reply)

Oh, just remembered
If you get Fisherman's Friends, and grind 'em up to a fine powder, then snort 'em, it'll clear your head a treat.

Problem is it feels like you've been kicked in the face by a horse though.
And you might get a nose-bleed.
( Cawl, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 14:39, Reply)

A strong curry is my favorite cure for colds
doesn't last but it'll clear your head for a good few hours.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:30, Reply)

Yeah chili properly blasts your sinuses out
It does wear off as you say but makes you feel well good for a bit!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:35, Reply)

When the cold is first starting
get some ginger brandy, take a couple of shots of it, wrap up in as many blankets as you can find and sweat it out overnight. Drink about a half gallon of water the next morning and piss like a racehorse. You'll feel a bit weak, but the cold will be gone.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 15:36, Reply)

I love you!
can we be best buds?

we can carve our names into a tree, spit on our hands and shake them, cut ourselves and and make a blood pact, or touch the tips of our willies!

whaddya say?
(likeajackhammer, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 16:16, Reply)

Awww...
All nice suggestions…

But nothing says ‘best buds’ like never communicating with them ever again.

Whaddaya say?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Dec 2008, 16:29, Reply)

So
I get to drink whiskey, vodka and eat curry?

I should get a cold more often.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 16:31, Reply)

Lemsip
Need I say more?

_{Oh, and a good curry helps too.}
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 21:29, Reply)