This
Makes me sad in all sorts of ways.

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:26, 109 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Hmmm
I may have got the wrong end of the stick here, but my response is tinged with envy for the sex-life of a 13-year-old.

I am not proud.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:32, Reply)

@ Enzyme
You're jealous of him hitting that??
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:33, Reply)

I'd just like to point out
That I do not log onto the Sun's website - it was a linked story on the Yahoo front page.

Honest.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:35, Reply)

SoSia
Fair point...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:36, Reply)

@Enzyme
I suspect he'll never have sex again
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:37, Reply)

@happyjoy
Don't be silly. He'll have at least two more children by the time he's twenty.

All by different mothers.

All without leaving contact details.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:38, Reply)

It's a sad state of affairs

Although the girl is still a child too, what possesses a 14 year old girl to have sex with a 12 year old.
( Stu71 ....bad money dies, I love the scene, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:39, Reply)

More to the point
a 12 year old who looks about 8...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:51, Reply)

Not only does he look 8
He's 4ft fucking tall! She's about twice as big as him!

No wonder he was worried when his dad asked him about it. He was basically raped and now has a kid which he has absolutely no concept of how to look after.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:28, Reply)

Well...
That's 3 lives ruined by that.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:31, Reply)

What fucking wound me up more than anything
is that quote form that sanctimonious bitch at the end of the article.

I would happily condone horrific things happening to her since she obviously thinks it's reasonable to use this as an excuse to get a cheap soundbite. And one which isn't even fucking accurate.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:34, Reply)

His dad
wants to give him the birds and the bees talk so it doesn't happen again.

I suspect his definition of safe sex is not giving out ones phone number.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:44, Reply)

Chantelle Steadman is HOT

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:44, Reply)

how sad
and @ althegeordie - it's much much worse over here, all the religious fucktards wanking on about abortion being murder (but war isn't? wtf?).

when I went to the doctor last week for my 1st prenatal check up, they mentioned adoption (I was so tempted to say 'oh, I think 1 baby will be enough for me thanks), but not abortion as an option. Luckily I'm old enough (and educated enough) to be able to make up my own mind, I can't imagine going through this at 15.
( ascorbate, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:45, Reply)

mike
you're a very bad man.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 13:47, Reply)

Someone on /talk
said she looked like she had been the victim of a horrendous, and yet highly amusing air compressor accident.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:01, Reply)

She looks like a new born fish.

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:03, Reply)

new born fish ym
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:06, Reply)

@K2k6
given that his father has himself fathered nine children, I don't think he's the best qualified person in the world to be teaching about safe sex.

*EDIT* pffft!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:01, Reply)

Awwww look at da ickle baby.
And his bastard offspring.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:21, Reply)

He ought to stuff it back up her
and run a mile.

The silly sod.

It also makes me sad that this kid was having sex at the age of 13, while I was far too busy playing RoboCod at that age.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:21, Reply)

James Pond WINS!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:29, Reply)

Were you playing it on an Acorn?
you get bonus points for that.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I had an Amiga 500+
Because I'm fucking sexy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:38, Reply)

Yeah you are
*sex faces*
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:44, Reply)

Now, third time lucky
Al, what's a CAT,G?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:48, Reply)

what the fuck
it has an unemployed grandfather with 9 children

and an unemployed grandfather with 5 children

and parents who are way younger than i am, even if you add their ages together.

why do these people think everyone else in the country should work 12 hour days and pay taxes to support their rampant pointless sex lives?

smother the feckers, harvest the organs, move on, please, nothing to see here...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Atari ST.
I get bonus points cos I'm so damned sexy hot intelligent alive.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:55, Reply)

"smother the feckers, harvest the organs, move on, please, nothing to see here..."
A lot of people say the same thing about Lawyers.

EDIT I had an Atari Lynx, biggest and bestest handheld console of all time.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:55, Reply)

I'd rather like Ms Swipe to smother me with her enormous bosoms.
and in answer to your question Bert ..........


I can't remember the really funny answer you told me to write, but it was something like

It's a furry thing that miaows fool!
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:59, Reply)

I played Robocod
on my Atari STFM and my STE (with 2Mb RAM) bow down to my Philips Color Monitor too!

*Edit*

Bert Bert!

I *still* have my Lynx MkII!
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 14:59, Reply)

Wow
Lynx were so cool.

@al *high five*

Close enough. That'll do pig, that'll do.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:03, Reply)

bert
there will always be more lawyers. we're like the sorceror's apprentice, chop one in half and you get 2.

al - just put your head there... no, not there you filthy animal...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:05, Reply)

Was the Lynx the one
where the cartridges were really thin and sort of curved at the top?

I just had a Game Gear, gave up and went back to the old monochrome Gameboy when I got bored of getting through 6 x AA batteries every 20 minutes though.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:05, Reply)

That's the one, Sam
Mine got all buggered when the batteries leaked, so I used it as a doorstop for a while.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:07, Reply)

S0S
Yep, thats the one.

It rocks, 16Bit processing with colour screen FTW!
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:07, Reply)

Mmmmmm
Swipey does have wonderful bosoms for evil servant of darkness.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:09, Reply)

^ al ^
what was that? couldn't hear you mumbling through the acres of mildewed flesh...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:10, Reply)

Bleurgh
tastes a bit funky in here. Could do with a bit of pressure hosing, get the cobwebs out.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Mildewed flesh?
Is that what Mr Muscle gets if he leaves his shower curtain open?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:12, Reply)

Why is the bit inbetween a womans tits and mimsy called a waist?

( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:13, Reply)

Because you could easily fit
another four tits there.

This is the reason I'm a Bovine Sex Offender.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:15, Reply)

WOOOOOOOO!


Unless they were the size of swipeys, in which case you could only fit three.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:15, Reply)

We could put a fourth on her back
I vote that we call her backtit Sparky.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:17, Reply)

hey
i'm not some kind of freakshow!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Shut up
backtits.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:18, Reply)

I second that motion.

Motion carried.

Will everyone please welcome Miss Backtit Sparky!
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:18, Reply)

Hmm
So far we have the rapidly deteriorating moral fibre of the country coupled with a piss poor education system (yeah, whatever), 1980's computer games, and tits. Oh, and a faint whiff of homo-erotica involving two frankly disturbed intermeweb oddballs.

Yep. A classic OT thread.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Afternoon DG
Have you met Backtit Sparky yet?
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:20, Reply)

you two
need to be disciplined. severely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:20, Reply)

Love you, Swipey.
If al and I go twos up on you, he can have your front tits, and I'll have the back one.

I don't mind a tit with shoulderblades.

@D's G Yeah, if only Kaol were here, then things would really hot up.

Not.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:23, Reply)

'noon al
I have now. Mind you, I'm not quite sure where to look.

I wish I had four eyes, so I could stare in equal measure.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:24, Reply)

I dun a pikture of sparky

( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:25, Reply)

If kaol were here
things would be rubbish, dull and boring and mainly focused on knives and stabbing.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Pffffft!
She's a looker and no mistake.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:26, Reply)

Let's recap
So far, Ms Swipe has got a vagina tongue, backtits, and she likes men who defecate on her bed.

Is there anything else we'd like to add?

Excellent photoshopping there al!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:26, Reply)

I'd forgotten all about the vagina tongue.

( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I think our mental image of Rachelswipe
may in fact be our ideal woman.

Somebody genetically modify a lawyer for us, thanks.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:29, Reply)

I don't think
that I'm familiar with the vagina tongue. Perhaps I was asleep at that juncture.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:29, Reply)

You missed a lively discussion there, D
Swipey's got a vagina tongue, she uses it to pleasure the anus and testicles of men that are doing her up the chuff.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:30, Reply)

Vagina tongue is great
It's like french kissing when your muff diving.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:30, Reply)

Christ
...

*speechless*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:33, Reply)

And if it starts panting at you
you just feed it Bonio.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:36, Reply)

Are we talking about the vagina tongue, or Sparky Backtit?

( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:39, Reply)

The Vagina Tongue
Sparky's like a Tribble, he just quivers and makes squeaky sounds
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Both?
Perhaps?

*EDIT* maybe not then.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:40, Reply)

He?

( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:41, Reply)

Yeah
That's what I thought al.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Yeah
Sparky's not much of a girls name, is it?

Don't go all homophobic on me now, geordieboys.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:43, Reply)

We won't, Bert
I was just wondering if you'd missed the 's' out was all.

To be fair, Sparky's not much of a name for any gender.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:45, Reply)

Of course not
Sparky the Backtit is male.

He's also more likely to be a cancerous growth than a functioning mammary gland, but... meh.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Oh i didn't realise
the Sparky Backtit was the singular rearward breast. I thought we had just re-named Ms Swipe.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:47, Reply)

*backs away*
*runs*

*gasps*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:48, Reply)

This thread has eluded my attention for too long.
*sits back*
*reads*
*opens beer*

Welcome back MonkeyBert!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Hey PJM
pull up a chair, make yourself comfy.

Oi, swipey, come back!

*EDIT* yeah, me too al. Hence the new board sig. Now it appears that in reality I am in appreciation of a cancerous growth that just happen to resemble a mammary gland.

I feel slightly dirty now.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

You have misunderstood completely Mr Thegeordie
All women's breasts should have names.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Hi PJM!
Didn't mean to ignore you yesterday. How's your new bike?
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:52, Reply)

On that basis, mr Monkeysex
I worked with a lady a few years ago that did give hers names. At least one of them was called Pat; it said so on her badge.

or it may have been an invitation; I'm not sure
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:52, Reply)

Oh this is really very good.
While they're swapping stories of near death experiences and fawning over pictures of a sixteen year old german transexual who used to be called "Tim" on QOTW, this little gem of a thread escapes my attention.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:53, Reply)

It's really very lovely.
It's big and bouncy. Just how I like them.

Oh and it's got Shimano gears too.

What did you think I was talking about?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:54, Reply)

I'm pretty sure it was an invitation DG
I think she had another few badges with "Fondle" "motorboat" and "Spunk Wildly" on too.

What are Mrs Monkeysexes boobies called then Bert?
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Shimano Gears?
Oh well, maybe one day you'll be able to afford a proper bike with Campagnolo gears on it. Until then I guess your little Shimano's will do.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:56, Reply)

@Al
Campagnolo don't make gears for mountain bikes.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Oh
well, I just look like a dickhead now don't I.

I'll console myself with a long hard think about Swipeys vagina tongue gently lapping at my bouncing scrotum.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:58, Reply)

PJM
Have you seen the new Shimanos that change via servo motors on the derailleurs? Means you can change quicker and you don't get cable stretch, cos the cables are electric rather than mechanical. Sadly it takes a battery rather than being dynamo recharging or anything, which to me would have been the obvious solution.

Not sure whether they're actually out or just prototypes, look pretty cool if slightly unnecessary though.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Oi, Sam
Stop raising the tone, would you?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Shit
I've ruined the thread with my bike geekiness.

As you all were ladies and gentlemen.

What happened to la Swipe? Isn't she going to defend her honour?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Servomotors?
Yay! No more cable tension twiddling!

Happy days!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

I think she got scared
And probably rightly so. She's taken her additional breasts and buggered off.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:04, Reply)

She'll have run away
bouncing and swaying from side to side, her vagina tongue leaving a thin trail of dribble as it slaps against her thighs.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Changing the subject...
...have you seen the girl in Ape's post earlier?

Quick question - would you?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:07, Reply)

PFFFFFFFFFFT!
Thanks for that little mental image, al.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Best Mental Image Ever
Well done al, it's no wonder I love you.

Mrs Sexmonkey's breasts are called Henriettie Cobblebottom and Spunkstain McCririck.

The right one is Spunkstain, because he's a bit oblong.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:08, Reply)

What, the trans gender kid?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Do you aim right then?
and no, I wouldn't do a german transexual. That said, they really did do a good job, but then as a 16 year old you haven't got such a difficult task.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:09, Reply)

What transgender kid?
Was it on HSH? I haven't been there since this morning.

I've never come on the Mrs's boobs, I prefer to spill my mess on the cat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:10, Reply)

No right or wrong answer
Just the responses in the thread amused me.

*edit* Bert - look at Apeloverage's QOTW post.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:10, Reply)

pjm
you should know how much honour i actually have!

what is all this about some german he-she?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:11, Reply)

Al, I agree
I had a client when I was working in the Jobcentre who was a male to female transsexual. She still looked like a bloke - think Emily from Little Britain.

I heard a rumour that he changed back a couple of years ago.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:12, Reply)

It's this one
www.b3ta.com/questions/darwin/post367585

I think you've got fantastically firm, warm and soft honour.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:13, Reply)

I would
twice.

But I'd ask him to dress up in a Nazi uniform and shit on my chest too, otherwise it's just not cricket.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:15, Reply)

@la swipe
I pictured you mortified and blushing at the screen in your usual demure fashion.

Yep, goose-stepping barely legal transsexuals are all the rage
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:15, Reply)

Erm
I vow never to play cricket with Mr Monkeysex. Ever.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:16, Reply)

check this out too
It's from a few years ago, before he had the chop.

www.crosswalk.com/news/1466657/

In particular ""Rather than addressing the emotional or chemical problems responsible for Tim's gender confusion, his parents and doctors have bought into the homosexual lobby's PC puffery hook, line and sinker," said Barber.

"They're about to rob him of his ability to father a child, and render him horribly disfigured and further confused," he added. "It's not just a tragedy. It's a travesty."

First, use of the word "Puffery" Brilliant"

Second "horribly disfigured" - Looks like they go that wrong.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:17, Reply)

I've never met the swipester
Is she lovely in real life? I hope I haven't tarnished her opinion of me with all my gibberings about vagina tongues and backtits.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:18, Reply)

I've never met her either
I've heard nothing but good things about her though.

Especially the fact that she can rim you while you boff her.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:19, Reply)

I've met la swipe in teh real world
she's actually very nice. And no-one defecated nearby too.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Maybe that's why you haven't met her since, PJM
She thought you were rude not to.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:24, Reply)

If I ever meet her
I shall make a point of taking one of my finest specimens with me in a jar for her to take home and enjoy later.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 16:29, Reply)