Crap joke corner
Did you hear about the Eskimo Lottery?

You have to be Inuit to win it.


/coat
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:13, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

man walks into a pub
with a roll of tarmac under his arm, strolls up to the bar

"i'll have a pint and one for the road please"

thankyewverymuchandgoodnight
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:23, Reply)

*shakes head*
*spangs the pair of you*

*grins*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:29, Reply)

whats the difference


between a wank and anal sex?

One makes your day, the other makes your whole week
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:32, Reply)

How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:59, Reply)

Bit of a long one...
Thor, the God of thunder, had it all. Good looks, muscles in all the right places, and a mighty hammer. Despite this, however, he had an affliction that left him shy and unsuccessful with the ladies.

He had a lisp.

This rendered him painfully shy around women, and several centuries without any action drove him to seek advice from Zeus.

"Oh mighty Zeuth", he said, "I am dethperate for thome thexytiem with a lady. My afflicthion leavth me unable to talk to ladieth. What thould I do?"

Zeus considered for a moment. "the answer is simple, my son. You must find a woman who has the same affliction. She will be sympathetic to your plight, and no doubtest, you shall get a shag. You must go down to earth tonight and socialise".

"Thank you, mighty father", said Thor. "I shall get the Athgard to Earth thuttlebuth thith very evening".

"One thing, my son. You cannot reveal your Godly origins. You must pass as one of them and callest yourself something that will not arouse suspicion. I hereby dub you Norman, the meteorologist".

And with that, Thor descended upon the Earth. With unlikely speed, he got talking to a lady who happened to have a lisp as well. They got on famously, and lo, she did take him home that night.

"Oh Norman", she cried, "make love to me like noone hath ever done before".

And so, a marathon session ensued. The bed shook; the crockery rattled in the kitchen; the chinz curtains billowed magnificently, as Thor pounded his woman mightily time and again.

Five hours later, Thor looked at his conquest, feelings of love surging inside him. "I want thith to be more" he thought, "I have to tell her who I am, tho we can progreth to the next level".

He turned to his conquest. "I mutht tell you thomething", he said, earnestly. "I'm really Thor".

"YOU'RE THOR?" screamed the woman. "I think you've jutht buthted me fanny!"
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 19:59, Reply)

a man walks into a baker's shop in Saltcoats, Ayreshire...
and asks the lady behind the counter "is that an eclair or a meringue?"

she replys "no, you're right, it is!"
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:44, Reply)

Two bits of black tarmac walk in to a pub
grab a couple of pints and start talking loudly about how hard they are.

"Oh, I'm definitely the hardest", says the first, "I prop up the Severn Bridge. I got lorries and trucks, tonnes of trucks, rolling over me all day!"

"Yeah?", retorts his friend, "I work on the M25 man, I got all that STOPPED on my back all day long, I get bits of me gouged out every day and put back, I'm definitely the hardest"

The landlord's listening to the quarrel with interest, when all of a sudden, the door of the pub slams open and in stomps a massive bit of green tarmac.

The bits at the bar don't know where to look. They dive under a table and wait. The green tarmac strolls to the bar, orders a double whiskey, downs it whilst looking shiftily at the regulars and strolls out.

The bits of black tarmac crawl out from under the table, much to the landlord's amusement.

"I thought you two were the hardest bits of tarmac that ever lived?", he asked incredulously

"We are!", says the first, "But that guy's a cyclepath!"
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:49, Reply)

A woman walks into a Glasweigian butcher shop
The butcher's standing in front of the shop's radiator, hands behind his back.

Peering at the counter, she asks "Excuse me, is that yer Ayrshire bacon"?

"No madam, A'hm just warmin' ma hands".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 15 Feb 2009, 22:38, Reply)

Huh. Crap jokes eh?
Right. There's 2 motorways drinking in a pub, boasting to each other about how hard they are and drinking beer. The first one says "I'm so hard, I must have had a hundered lorries drive over me yesterday. didn't feel a thing!" "Oh yeah?" Says the second one "I'm so hard, There was a fourteen car pileup on me yesterday, not a scratch!"

EDIT - must learn to read. Someone has posted the same joke above. Okay. That's actualy kinda embarrasing....
A couple of seconds later, a thin strip of red tarmac walks in, goes up to the barman and orders half a shandy. The two motorways go dead quiet and concentrate on their pints. The strip of red tarmac drinks his shandy, looks around and leaves.

The barman goes up to the two motorways and asks them "What's with you two? That guys comes in, lanky as anything and orders a shandy and you don't say a word? I thought you'd have laughed him out the pub!"

"Not him mate" Says the first motorway "We know him. He's an utter cyclepath"
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 2:04, Reply)

pearoast sorry but then I have a new one!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalottapuss.


A boy says to his mother,
"Mum - I know I'm half african american, and I know I'm half jewish - but which part counts for more?"
The mother looks confused and says,
"You're my son and I love you - why does it matter what you are?"
and the boy says seriously,
"Because my friend timmy is selling his bike for $50, and I don't know whether to be a good jewish boy and haggle over the price or just shoot the cunt and take it!"
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 16 Feb 2009, 5:46, Reply)

Two polo mints standing at a bar....
Bragging about their hardman antics to the frankly uninterested barmaid when a Fishermans friend swaggers in.

He pushes both polo mints aside, drains both of their pints, nuts one, spits on the other, nicks the charity box and swaggers out.

The barmaid said "I thought you guys were harder than tungsten carbide coated diamond, yet that Fishermans friend walked all over you, you pair of pussies"!

One polo mint replies "Yeah, but he's fucking menthol"!

/coat
/veal
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 10:10, Reply)