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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning


It's fucking Friday. Come and procrastinate over here.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:39, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
And for those of you
who are wondering who the hell this mr bollox guy is, I'm actually a regular who fancied a bit of a b3ta reboot.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:44, Reply)
*ponders*
I wonder who you are then? Doubtless we'll sniff you out soon.

Morning everyone. It's too early for me to think of anything interesting to say.
(I helped save b3ta! rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:48, Reply)
No change there then
Still, it could be worse. It's far too early for car talk.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:51, Reply)
Ooh harsh
but ultimately true I suppose.

i try to stay off the car talk because I know other people don't really find it interesting. I get led astray by people like The Stig though...

Hmmm... Are you Al then?
(I helped save b3ta! rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 7:58, Reply)
Nope
Last time I checked I was distinctly non-metallic.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:09, Reply)
Well Mr Bollox...
As long as you're not Rathen (who is a massive, dripping, cavernous cunt) you're fine with me. Or the Stig, from the comments that I heard he made. If you happen to be Woodside, well, what in Hades are you doing here?

And if you're Parrott (another extremely dull twat), the same question, times several factors of that.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:45, Reply)
Morning all!
I just renamed the Start button on my computer so it says Sam instead and am possibly slightly too pleased with myself. Little things...

I will steer clear of the car talk! Mine's off the road anyway *sads*

And I want to know who mr bollox is now, I have a few suspicions...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:57, Reply)
Speaking of cars
I was prevented from merging twice this morning, once from two lanes to one and once from three lanes to two. Both times the driver deliberately pulled right up to the bumper of the car in front to block me.
They were both driving Audis. Much as I hate to agree with Mr Clarkson, it appears they really are arseholes.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 8:58, Reply)
Chains
Get yourself a batttered old ex-army LR Defender.

That situation will never, ever happen again.
(I helped save b3ta! rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:04, Reply)
LiC
You're not actually Station, are you?
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:05, Reply)
Who with the what now?
I don't think so.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:08, Reply)
Word up you skanks
It's Friday at fucking last!

Yesterday I did more of my wii-fit stuff. I weigh a lot more than I thought I did :(
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:10, Reply)
Alright peoples.
It's bash time tomorrow!

I am this excited.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:11, Reply)
Actually, about the bash
I'm afraid I can't make it. Terribly sorry Lusty.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:13, Reply)
Woo finally getting rid of Lusty!
*cries* Don't go :(
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:14, Reply)
That's a shame piston.
But means there will be more cake for me.

There there TGB. It's okay, now come here and I'll lick away your salty tears.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:18, Reply)
Morning Lusty, Badge
Bon voyage, lusty. Can't make it down to the smoke tomorrow unfortunately.
Whenever I type lusty, predictive text suggests kurtz instead. Weird.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:24, Reply)
Moring all!

The sun is shining I've solved a crisis already and I have a nice cup of coffee, I'm feeling just dandy.

How the devil are you?
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:26, Reply)
Creatures of Off Topic
You can stop worrying, I'm here.

It's Friday, I'm seeing The Watchmen tonight and meeting some inter-wierdos tomorrow night.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:29, Reply)
Careful now...
I'm told they have laws against cake in Canada. What's that all aboot eh?
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:31, Reply)
Gah Lusty!
I'm unavailable for smoochies and huggles tomorrow :(
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:32, Reply)
Shut your mouth Piston!
Damn your racism.
Not all Canadians say "aboot".
Some of 'em say "environ"...
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:34, Reply)
A licking lusty?
Sounds lush!
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:40, Reply)
To be honest
I think we're all a little bit racist. Anyone who denies otherwise is something of a hypocrite.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:44, Reply)
Apart from me.
I'm perfect.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:45, Reply)
I'm an equal oppotunities racist
I hate everyone
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:46, Reply)
As am I
I just hate people. Does that make me a humanist or something?

Hi to everyone else who's turned up!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:47, Reply)
Woo,
Two Sams!
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:48, Reply)
And
two Kaols!
(username1, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:50, Reply)
Two!
Two Sams! ah ah ah!
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:50, Reply)
Ning!
Bash time for me tonight!

Woo!

How are we all today?
(I helped save b3ta! Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:52, Reply)
One of the Sams
Is much nicer to motorboat, though.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:53, Reply)
Oh fucking hell,
Another Kaol!

I want ALL the Kaol's here. Now.
Fridays are boring.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:54, Reply)
I dislike the term racism
It's too vague.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 9:55, Reply)
I dislike the term vague
It's too racist.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:01, Reply)
Oh lusty you silly goose!
I expect you to be very drunk tomorrow!
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:03, Reply)
Well, we all have our prejudices
Mine being chavs and wilfully stupid people- i.e. not reading books because they smell funny and sticking to vapid magazines about how some random girl killed the man who abused her one-armed child for years.

Yes, I hate the lower classes.

God I'm such a snob.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:04, Reply)
If I drink I'll only end up embarrassing myself.
Nothing new there then I guess.
:(
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:08, Reply)
I might be sensible tomorrow night.
I have a habit of making a tit of myself when I get drunk at bashes.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:09, Reply)
If only I was more modest

I'd be perfect.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:09, Reply)
Liar. You'll be a tit as usual.

(Flid James carry on, mongs, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:10, Reply)
Oh, sod you!
I'm the original Kaol, and the best.
I bet you've got webbed arms or something.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:13, Reply)
I like new Kao1
better than old Kaol.

Can we keep him and get rid of the old one? OKcheersthanxbyebye.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:14, Reply)
You would say that though.
BECAUSE IT'S YOU.
Maybe.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:16, Reply)
Tisn't.
I've hardly had time to be here all week, and I no longer have access to any spare profiles, damn those moderator bastards.

The place seems oddly amusing when I'm not here. Strange, that.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:17, Reply)
Ka01

Looks like a chav's number plate.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:18, Reply)
Where've you been?
Work still on your case about "appropriate internet usage"?

Sod you Ape, my dream is to one day own a car. With that as the numberplate. Stop pissing on my dreams.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:18, Reply)
Lusty
You must get drunk for it is our last opportunity to see you in such a state!
(I helped save b3ta! Captain V, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:19, Reply)
Yes they are.
Which makes me do an all sad frowny face and a cry onto a kitten made of chocolate rainbow shoes.

:'C
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:20, Reply)
Multiple Kaols...
Not sure if that's a good idea at a bash. There'd be ructions.
(I helped save b3ta! jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:20, Reply)
Yeah I can just see you

pulling into your mock tudor mansion in your BMW X5, Ka01 number plate, small person on board sticker in the rear window...

Classy.


Dead classy.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:21, Reply)
pb
even one Kaol is too many.

EDIT Ape?! Shirley you mean 'Two door Fiat Panda, hovel under a bridge and "imaginary dead prostitute on board"?'
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:21, Reply)
I once went on a date with a girl
- no, really - who said, "I don't see the point of books, if it's any good they'll make it into a film anyway".

Once.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:22, Reply)
Wow!
Mock-Tudor?

I was hoping for 1960's terrace and a Fiat Multipla. You've taught me to raise my expectations, thank you.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:24, Reply)
V
It won't be your last opportunity to see me in such a state. I'm only going away for a little bit. I'm not dying!
Am I?
*worries*
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:26, Reply)
Imaginary dead prostitute

badger roadkill fashioned into a pocket fanny.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:26, Reply)
Pocket Fanny?
Is that a new item in the Polly Pocket range of products?

If so, I'll have ten. I'd really like to fuck that half-inch bitch in the pooper.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:27, Reply)
On my way to work today
the car behind had a very tall man driving and in the passenger seat was a very small wizened old man. His head was positioned so it looked like it had been mounted on the dashboard and it wobbled about everytime they went over potholes, like a giant novelty air freshener.

I laughed all the way to work
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:27, Reply)
Will she be tight enough for you?

Or should we fill her with plastercine?
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:28, Reply)
Fill her with broken bones and glass
I like the scratchy feeling on my cock.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:29, Reply)
I once saw someone
Witha massive pink dildo glued to the top of their dashboard, for emergencies I suppose.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:30, Reply)
Sod Polly Pocket
I'll take her cat. You get the scratchy feeling as standard.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:30, Reply)
Only if you go for oral.
Cat oral is awesome, it's like nature's wet sandpaper.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:33, Reply)
Needle-teeth?
I'll avoid the cats.
(I helped save b3ta! Cawl, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:33, Reply)
Naw
You have to open their mouths pretty wide, and then rub your cock along their fuzzy tongue.

Don't spaff in their eyes though, they hate that.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:36, Reply)
Sounds just
like what I need.

I've go virtually no sensation in my cock due to the scar tissue from excessive wanking.

Cat oral FTW

Edit: Aural's not too bad either in their soft velvety ears
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:36, Reply)
Me too Bolloxy
but I'm circumcised too, so making me come is like fisting a bear, it takes alot of time and perseverance.

Cat ears are sickening, You can see all pink and brain and stuff, it's like a alien flange.
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)
Mmm
Alien flange.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:42, Reply)
When you're stroking my mate's cat
he always tries to get you to stick your fingers right in his ears! Disgusting.

He also dribbles on you a lot.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:42, Reply)
That's why
feline aural sex is so awesome.

It's the two additional flanges they've got. Sam's mates cat has the right idea, and is trying to get you to frig him in the ears.

The dribble is just a form of sexual excitement.

They love it.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:45, Reply)
Use a knuckle
They love it.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:45, Reply)
Sam
I don't stroke your mate's cat...?

Is that a euphemism?
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:49, Reply)
Sorry
When one is stroking my mate's cat.

Better?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:52, Reply)
I like to
stroke my pussy. She also isn't adverse to a bit of a knuckle rub
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 10:53, Reply)
Shut your tits
you filthy whore!
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:01, Reply)
My little sister when she was younger

would sit with the cat on her lap and exclaim, "my pussy loves being stroked, you aren't allowed to stroke my pussy, leave my pussy alone,"

She had no idea what she was saying.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:06, Reply)
My grandma said something similar recently
'My pussy loves chunky meat'

It's a good job I wasn't drinking at the time
(I helped save b3ta! rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:13, Reply)
That reminds me

I was having tea with some old ladies and one of them kept banging on about her pussy flap!

She meant cat flap.

I got a little chubby.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:15, Reply)
rubberduck
Was that while you were pounding her with your pork sword?

Edit: Ape. Perhaps she wanted you to take a look at her pussy flap. It's not working as smoothly as it used to, you see.
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:17, Reply)
It needs lubricating
I recommend hog grease.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:25, Reply)
ooh me too!
I'm running out of the sweet hog meat though :(
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:26, Reply)
Hog fat and then
pop her on a spit roast I suppose?
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:27, Reply)
I don't care what people say

about humans recognising patterns where none exist, my I-Pod has an obsession with The Mars Volta.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:30, Reply)
The Mars Volta
I've heard of them but not heard them. What are they like?
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:48, Reply)
They're pretty good
Two ex-members of At The Drive-in, who were also pretty good, but the Mars Volta are much more proggy.

They're no Acid Mothers Temple though...
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 11:54, Reply)
You're going to need to tack back towards the mainstream
To reference bands I've heard of.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:01, Reply)
I'm suspicious
If I say yes you'll start asking about my role in their kidnapping and replacement with androids.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:22, Reply)
Heard of them?
I'm fucking Liz McLarnon.

You don't even know who that is, she's the ugly, sporty spice-y one who always sang at the back.

*goes back to shaving shoulders*
(I helped save b3ta! Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:30, Reply)
Looks like you scared every one off Bert

*sits quietly*

*remembers*

*self harms*
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:49, Reply)
*looks at self-harming*
*fwaps*
(mr bollox I love Mr. K best of all the kaoltards, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:55, Reply)
I think everyone
just drowned in the amount of hair that came off Bert's shoulders
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 13:56, Reply)
I made his hair into a pie

Then buried my face in it.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:06, Reply)
@TGB - can I just check
Is the "funny thing said yesterday" about you being b3ta's resident sexitiem provider?

I'm looking forward to the bash tomorrow, I haven't seen wanderlust drunk yet. I imagine (hope) it will be entertaining.
(I helped save b3ta! djtrialprice, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:07, Reply)
I was traumatised
I went to my happy place.
Madame Inga's Spanking Dungeon
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:10, Reply)
Oh that's right djtp.
Lets all get wanderlust drunk and laugh at her.

You bastard.
(I helped save b3ta! wanderlust, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:16, Reply)
You make it sound like we're going to tie you up
and force you to get drunk. And then point and laugh.





Sounds about right actually ;)
(I helped save b3ta! djtrialprice, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:22, Reply)
I dunno
what the funny thing was. It was from Chains though so probably wasn't that funny
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:25, Reply)
100
and that's me done.
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:28, Reply)
congrats clendrix
On getting the century post, I knew you had it in you.
(I helped save b3ta! djtrialprice, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:34, Reply)
Wotcher DJ
Glad to see you've signed up for tomorrow :)
(I helped save b3ta! thealternativefact, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:37, Reply)
it's not even 3!
*cries*

*gropes clendrix to cheer herself up*
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:42, Reply)
If it helps I can leave at 4 today!!

not a chance though with the work I have to do.
(I helped save b3ta! Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 14:44, Reply)
I'm leaving at 3:45
But then I'm showering here because I'm heading off out for a meal this evening. So I won't actually leave the site till after 4.
(I helped save b3ta! The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:11, Reply)
oooh Manchester bash
I completely forgot about it, but it so happens I'm meeting a fellow b3tan in town for drinks, so we're going to wander down to Fab and play 'guess the b3tans'.

Although I may have trouble, I don't even know the b3ta handle of my friend.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:49, Reply)
haha
there are pics on the flickr pool of the last bash so you can cheat if you want :p
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:30, Reply)

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