Jacobs Cream Crackers
I have a problem with Jacobs Cream Crackers, so I sent them an e-mail (enc in replies).

I'm sure I'm not the only one who suffers from this, let me know what you think.
(TheColonel, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:26, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dear Sirs,



I am writing regarding your Cream Crackers. Whilst they are undoubtedly the premium cracker of this particular variety, I feel I must inform you of one particular botheration of mine.



The size of your crackers is, to be frank, infuriating. More often than not, after happily buttering one of your tasty morsels, I aim to munch roughly half the cracker at a time. As I bite along the horizontal, I hold said cracker with the fingers of one hand on the left and right of the cracker which I believe to be a sufficient and common technique. Upon crunching through the layers of creamy crispy cracker, it has a tendency to split along the perpendicular. The best case scenario is that the pressure exerted from my fingers clamp the pieces together, and they are held fast by the butter. Unfortunately, this does not always happen, and if I may refer to the old tale of toast landing butter side down, as is the wont of your crackers. Disaster ensues. Not only have I wasted approximately one half of the golden goodness, the floor is now decorated with butter.



Perhaps they could be made smaller, into bite size pieces. And/or perhaps the shape could be changed to a Ritz-esque circle. I understand it may be of noticeable financial inconvenience to yourselves to alter your manufacturing process at such an established phase in your companies existence, but I can assure you that my consumption of your fine product would increase exponentially. Perhaps there are further avenues to be explored from this idea. For example miniature Cream Crackers topped with crème fraîche, smoked salmon and dill would make fantastic canapé’s that the working man can relate to, and not be afraid of as he stands in his hand-me-down suit, surrounded by the type of people who would look over-dressed in a Ferrero Rocher advertisement. The marketing even writes itself! I trust you will make the correct decision and I eagerly await your reply.





Yours faithfully,
(TheColonel, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:26, Reply)

I don't know who you are but I want to have your babies.
.
( girlinthehole, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:29, Reply)

There's a link to his myspace page in his profile
Phwoar.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:58, Reply)

Thank you very much :)
£3.99 or two for a tenner.
(TheColonel, Tue 19 May 2009, 21:58, Reply)

Don't get too excited.
I say this to everyone : )
( girlinthehole, Wed 20 May 2009, 8:38, Reply)

This is completely fucking spot on.
I wish I was observant/autistic enough to think to do something about these small things which annoy me.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 19 May 2009, 22:05, Reply)

Colonel, you are not alone!
I too have encountered this same problem. A technique I found was to hold the cracker betwixt two diagonal corners, and to bite no more than one-third of the way in. This, in most cases, salvaged the structure of the cracker, and also allowed me to enjoy it for a little bit longer by rendering it the work of three mouthfuls.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 19 May 2009, 23:05, Reply)

A very geeky way of doing it
but if you use a breadknife to score the thing into quarters then it'll usually crumble in a much more comely fashion...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 20 May 2009, 8:39, Reply)

And I thought it was just me
I have a bit of an overbite, so my teeth apply pressure to the cracker at different spots on the top and bottom surfaces, thereby causing catastrophic failure of the structure when I bite into it. I now tend either to break the cracker into bite sized bits before consumption, or hold a plate under my mouth when eating to catch the fragments.

Neither course of action is particularly elegant in polite company.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 20 May 2009, 9:05, Reply)

I think a 2 ply cracker is in order.
with opposing grains.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 20 May 2009, 8:38, Reply)

Any reply?
Surely this is a gold mine, and you'll be getting some sort of royalties cheque through the mail
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 20 May 2009, 10:44, Reply)

I shall keep you all informed.
I hope so.
Or 65 tonnes of crackers dumped in my front garden.

EDIT: I have got a copy of the email saved with the date on, i may print one off and post it to myself, for copywriting purposes.
(TheColonel, Wed 20 May 2009, 11:40, Reply)

are they not perforated to allow you to break them yourself?
and besides: butter? are you for real?

You want a dirty big lump of cheese on there.

Bloody English - get your hands dirty, lads!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 20 May 2009, 10:55, Reply)

When at home, I enjoy a Smörgåsbord of cheese with my crackers,
but all my employers provide me with are regurgitated cheese slices. Now, I will admit that these are acceptable (I use that word loosely) in a dirty burger, but when they are smart price, the cannot compete with the flavour of some decent spread and the golden tile of justice.

Being English, I refuse to dip into my own pocket when MY cheese could be snaffled by others.
(TheColonel, Wed 20 May 2009, 11:47, Reply)