Ok b3tans,I really, really, REALLY need some help.
I have been battling this stupid depression since Jan. Things are getting worse every day. I am not going to do anything stupid, but I can't help thinking it would solve all my problems if I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

I know what I need to do and I can even prioitize it, but when I look at what I need to do, I am so overwhelmed I just think "fuck it-maybe I'll get lucky and die". And I'm talking about stuff that affects my very life. I'm having all these cardiac problems and I swear I'm going into congestive heart failure. I've been trying for 3 weeks to schedule a stress echocardiogram and I can't muster up the energy to JUST PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND DO IT.
I haven't registered for fall classes, I'm about to get disenrolled from school 'cause I can't be bothered to arrange my clinical internship, my work contract ends Fri and I haven't done the least thing about getting a new job, I need that stress echo, I need to get into see a psychiatrist to prescribe anti-depressants, my kid's failing the 7th grade (2nd form? Whatever you're in when you are 13)and I can't help him catch up, my other kid graduated from high school and I can't get excited in the least, I'm steadily gaining weight and can hardly breathe and my knees are killing me.

Blah blah blah...

As far as I can see, I should:
1. get the cardiac appt
2. see the psychiatrist and start gulping pills
3. find some help for my 13 year old

but I just don't care. I'm too tired to eat and believe me, I don't miss many meals (being American and all...)

Help. Tell me what to do. Decide on a course of action for me.Give me some motivation. Tell me to shape up-scream at me even. Just help me out of this black Slough of Despond.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:11, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Man up.

( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:15, Reply)

No really
I'm serious. Ordinarily that answer would be funny, but I do want some real advice or encouragement.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:40, Reply)

Oh, it's very real advice.

( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:47, Reply)

ok
I accept it.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 1:09, Reply)

Live 10 more years and you'll be able to become a space tourist,
you get to go to FUCKING SPACE,
that'll be awesome,
in the mean time, you know what your problems are just do something about them, make a list etc
(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:23, Reply)

Remember you deserve to feel better
I don't post much, but I'm a lurker and I'm sure I've read some of your QOTW answers (you're a nurse I believe). You come across as a lovely, personable lady who usually enjoys life.

The way you feel now isn't 'normal' or logical even though it might feel it - what I mean is that your usual state of being shouldn't involve hoping that you won't wake up in the morning. Unfortunately, a lot of people (especially intelligent ones, I like to think) go through a stage of feeling this way. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Once you've got help and got things moving again, you'll be SO glad you did. You'll be so glad you're free of the despondency. Hopefully that will be motivation in itself. Perhaps you don't need meds; just to talk through your feelings and thoughts until you get to the bottom of what is causing the depression. But then again, perhaps meds would help; they do help a lot of people.

Or perhaps I'll just pester you until you make your doctors' appointments...if that's what it takes!

Sorry to ramble!
(Ovaltina, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:26, Reply)

Or perhaps I'll just pester you until you make your doctors' appointments...if that's what it takes!
That's probably the most concrete thing I need!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:39, Reply)

FUCKING BOOK AN APPOINTMENT

(PsychoChomp, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:41, Reply)

Fucking this.
Stop dicking about on the internet and get some proper help.
( JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:56, Reply)

i know where you are coming from, really i do.
i'm not saying i understand exactly your situation, how could i? however, i suffered from depression for MANY years (from 13/14 to present 39) and sometimes still do.
anxiety and depression are 2 sides of the same coin, feeding off each other. mixing my metaphors a bit...
i learned, from nearly 4 years of group psychotherapy, that the answers are within us but often we need our peers to help us find them. for me the process was long, slow and at times very painfull.
but i got there, eventually.
and if i did then so can you!
if you like we can continue this by gaz, there's stuff i would happily share with you "privately" that i wouldn't feel comfortable posting here (i'm sure our fellow b3tans understand?).

you are not alone, if i can help you through this then i will...

Blaireau69 ;-)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:28, Reply)

Call your doctor!
1. Get meds.
2. Make the cardiac appt
3. Do you guys have a Sylvan Learning Center there? That will sort your son out.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 0:50, Reply)

Like any seemingly insurmountable task
Divide it up into small chunks and deal with them one at a time. You will get there eventually. I have to pet the black dog* on my shoulder sometimes. We all do, it's how you choose to deal with it that defines the outcome.

Get professional help for anything serious. The Internets have been known to give bad advice from time to time :)

Simplify your life. Most importantly though, keep your chin up. Let all the minor, irritating troubles wash over you; they don't matter, things are not as bad as they seem. Stop giving a shit about unimportant things. Start giving a shit about everything else. If you have no control over it, don't worry about it. If you can do something about it, then do it. Find something healthy that gives you real joy.

Bottom line: This is all sweeping generalisations and your situation is bound to be complex and unique, but the sooner you realise the only person who can get you all the way out of the tunnel and back into daylight is yourself, the better. Don't depend on pills or other people to do it for you, it only treats the symptoms.

*Incidentally, I do have a little black dog for real. She's awesome
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 4:12, Reply)

Been There

Get yourself to a shirink and get some ADs as soon as you can.

Now the bad news. It takes time for them to start working. And it takes time for them to find the one that works for you.

Now the good news. You will get better. I did and I was mad as fucking March Hare.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 5:29, Reply)

start going for a walk each day
Its good exercise andhelps clear the mind too. Doesn't have to be for long, just enough to get you put of this mindset each day.

Chart cat has a lot of good advice, listen to him.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 5:43, Reply)

And

this is good - nay GREAT - advice.

Fresh air and gentle exercise helps a hell of a lot with depression.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 5:54, Reply)

This is indeed brilliant advice
I'm starting a charity based on it, so it better bloody had be!

Seriously, just half an hour a day stomping around a local park, nature spot or even around the block gets all the right chemicals moving, gives you mental 'time out', helps regulate sleep patterns and appetite and is a superb complementary therapy to all the 'real' stuff like meds and counselling.

Most importantly, if you motivated yourself to spend twenty minutes here talking about your problems, you'd achieve more to spend
twenty minutes irl just booking those appointments you obviously need and DESERVE.

Gaz if you like :)
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 6:12, Reply)

This!
Fresh air, something to get the circulation going, a feeling of having got out and done something, if only for half an hour, will do wonders.

Book the appointment, get a friend to come along with you for (a) support and (b) to make sure you get there, acting as encouragement.

Is there a support group you could go to? Working in health, there must be some colleagues you can talk to about this. And tell your course advisor what's happening: they can and will help you.

Most importantly of all: you are a lovely, cheerful and intelligent woman. You deserve better than you're allowing yourself, so go out there and get it!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 10:40, Reply)

Shit TDub
That's harsh.

But thanks for posting it. I hope it made you feel a bit better.

I certainly felt loads better after posting a little rant in Off-topic last week about wanting to boot my tantrum throwing two year old in the ribs. For the record ... I didn't.

Posting about it might not make it go away ... but it might not seem so bad anymore. You are too sweet to be ripped to shit by this pack of vultures.

So yeah. Post and walk a bit. Hope that helps.
(Que?, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 7:19, Reply)

Hey!
We're lovely vultures!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 7:55, Reply)

I think you've confused this place
with /talk. That's the leading source of vultures on b3ta. FACT.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:11, Reply)

Ahh, that sounds pretty nasty.
I've had some experiance with depression, though to be honest more with witnessing other people suffering it. The advice I can realy offer goes as follows:
1) Try and get out of the house at least once a day if possible for something other than work - if you've got a dog, take it for a walk, or just go for a walk yourself. It's been said before but a bit of light exersise realy does wonders.
2) Make an appointment to see the doctor regarding getting some antidepressents and eventualy therapy ect. They do work, y'know, though it can take a while to find the right kind for you. If you're having trouble sticking to the appointment/making it tell a close friend who you can rely on to nag you untill you do it! Failing that, I could always gaz you every day to tell you to go make one!
3)Same with the ECG scheduling - make an appointment, try and make sure others know so they can remind you of the appointment. Such problems are much less stressful once you begin to get a grip on them. Making a start on these things is half the battle ect.
4)As for the job/helping your kid? Firstly, you might want to see a doctor before you deal with your job and classes. They've dealt with people at work suffering depression, and chances are they'll be able to give you much better advice on such things than I am. Also, with your kid? I'd advise at least starting to get this depression thing cracked before you start helping your kid with their work. I'm honestly not too sure about the american education system, but have you tried making an appointment with their form teacher to discuss their progress, or lack of and what might be contributing to it?

So yes, Um, it sounds like your biggest battle at the moment is getting everything started, and though that seems monumental and insurmountable, it is possible. Don't feel bad about getting help, or that you're not worth it - because you are. Just get started, tell some close friends if possible, and get them to nag you about it if you need further motivation! Um, I hope that things start looking up for you soon and all - and you know, gaz me if you just want to talk or something.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:01, Reply)

You've triggered an observation
Not doing anything about all this is compounding your negativity and feeding your depression. It's a horrible, vicious circle.

Once you actually do something positive towards getting yourself fixed, you might just feel a little better about yourself.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:10, Reply)

^THIS in spades
The first inch is the worst.

Actually, that might have been something to do with anal sex
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:13, Reply)

Pffft!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:19, Reply)

Heh - true.
A lot of the time actualy making a start is the most difficult thing to do. That counts for work, getting help, writing essays and yes, anal sex.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:33, Reply)

If you want
I'll call you, and keep calling and nagging until you get things sorted. I'll be a little monkey on your back, poking and prodding you to get the appointment made for the stress echocardiogram, and for making the appointment with the doctors. But please, get these two things sorted - you'll feel a lot better once tha balls gets rolling.

I did something very stupid on tuesday. But, with the support of these lovely people and the local mental health team things are going better - and I'm feeling happier already just knowing that things are happening. It will work for you too. Really.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:33, Reply)

I can't provide any advice
Because I have bugger all experience with this. However, what I will offer is my support and best wishes and a sincere and genuine hope that things improve for you- soon.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:55, Reply)

I realise I'm a little late coming to this thread
being on BST and all, but I feel the need to chip in.

It sounds like you've a case of something similar to what I've had over the last 9 months or so - though it sounds like yours is more severe - where basically you know exactly what you should be doing, but the action of actually doing it seems like such an insurmountable effort in comparison to sitting in your room waiting for the hours to tick away.

I would like to suggest that, unless you feel you really can't cope without them, don't try getting hold of the drugs. Antidepressants are a great short-term fix, but they won't help in the long term and you don't want to become dependent on them. Obviously, if you feel at any point that you might do something inadvisable without them, then by all means get hold of some, but I would try and avoid them where possible.

What you need, I think, is someone to talk to. Posting your appeal on here has probably been a step in the right direction, as, in nearly all cases, it helps to tell somebody and to start talking about it. Some sort of counselling is probably a good place to start - personally, I found it useful to have somebody impartial I could talk to who could react with complete neutrality to my problems and help me to identify what was causing the lethargy, the apathy, the despondence, etc. If they feel that you need any more hardcore psychotherapy, or even drugs, then they'll be able to recommend something that suits you.

I'll second the suggestion on taking a long walk as well. It can be surprisingly relaxing.

Also, steel yourself - just once - and get on the phone to book your cardiac appointment. If you can muster the strength of mind to make that phone call and sort out the appointment then it may actually make you feel a little better.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck and best wishes.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 10:45, Reply)

I feel like a bit of a twat for advising a nurse on healthcare, but...
I've had big issues with depression in the past, too. I can't emphasise strongly enough that you should make the first move towards getting yourself sorted out as soon as you can. Start with yourself, then with your kids - they'll understand if you're sick, no matter how young they are, but they won't understand why you didn't do anything about it.

I've lurked on here a very long time and I enjoy reading your posts (not so much this one, for obvious reasons) and you seem like a pretty grounded sensible person...the fact that people who've never even met you will spring out of teh interwebs to support you is a testament to you being a general Good Bean. Pick up the phone - it's not a big deal, so DO IT. Once you've been to see the doctor, you'll be referred to anyone else you need to see, and you'll have documents you can give to school and I'm sure they'll give you all the help you need to stay on the course.

Be proactive. It helps, even just little things: set yourself a goal, even if its doing something completely banal, but you'll get a kick out of the achievement. Get out a little more, that should help keep the weight from creeping on and fresh air is good for you. Perhaps you and your youngest could go for walks and discuss why he's not doing so good at school? (Although I guess that depends on whether your son would be in to that kind of thing)

So, in conclusion...
Sort yourself out. There's no reason not to...you may think there's reasons why you can't, but there's nothing actually *stopping* you once you've made the decision to do it. And I'm sure you'll have as much support on here, from your friends and family etc, as you need.
*hugs*
(berk, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 17:04, Reply)