Last night,
I went to see the guy I met last Friday. It was absolutely fantastic, but that's not what I wanted to share.

What I wanted to share was that I narrowly avoided what could have been the most embarrassing moment of my young life. Things were getting pretty heated on the kitchen table, and about ten seconds after I suggested we take things somewhere a little more comfortable, his parents walked in.

That could have been awkward...

What embarrassments have you avoided recently? Or indeed, what embarrassments have you failed to avoid?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 18:55, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've done very similar, only it's been past the vinegar strokes and his mum's bumbled in with milk and biscuits for us
Never seen her move so fast though.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:00, Reply)

Milk and biscuits?
Hahahaha! How old were you?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:08, Reply)

About 15 I think

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:11, Reply)

Not used to knocking was she?
My mum nearly barged in on me the other week in full thrust. She'd forgotten her yoga mat was in my old room.

If I hadn't done her the courtesy of trying to be quiet she wouldn't have tried to open the door.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:17, Reply)

Did she leave the milk and biscuits?
Or did they get split in her hurry to leave?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:34, Reply)

I think it's time to pearoast an article I wrote for an online magazine:
(for an issue about underage sex)
(I say article, it was only a small feature)

My story certainly makes the best of an unfortunate situation. My first proper boyfriend lived in the middle of nowhere. The walls were about three feet thick and conveniently soundproofed. The only unfortunate thing was that his bedroom was on right next to his parents’. So, even with the safety of sound-proofed walls, things couldn’t get underway as well as we hoped.
The thing is, his mother suffered from a dehabilitating muscle condition, and found it very hard to get up and down the stairs. And there were a lot of stairs –three flights of them! She could only get up and down by sitting down and shuffling along, which was time consuming and pretty noisy. Often, when I’d come round, his mum would be in bed, and me and the boyfriend would have it there on the living room floor, in front of a roaring wood fire. Our alarm system would be hearing the thumps of his mum thrusting her way down the stairs, and by the time she’d staggered into the living room we’d be sitting there, fully dressed, toasting our marshmallows on the fire.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:07, Reply)

A big click
just for fireside sexy tiem. I know clicks don't count on OT but it's the principle of the thing!
( Maladicta, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:08, Reply)

That is fantastic.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:30, Reply)

Wasting Diseases - Convenient
:P
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:37, Reply)

well done!
how about not being able to avoid the strange I went home with once? First off, I got sick while at his house, then he had me put my pukey mouth....oh nevermind, you don't want to know all the gory details.
Anyway I keep seeing him at random places, at an intersection, in the gas station, at the fucking strip club.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:07, Reply)

Eew.
All kinds of wrongness.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:26, Reply)

Is he stalking you
?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:33, Reply)

Hmm
He does sound weird enough to...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:34, Reply)

take me home?
i no!
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:37, Reply)

Take you home...
...to a secret underground sex dungeon. Probably.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:26, Reply)

How rood of me
Kitchen table? Wanted to try that. Though it would collapse under my weight.

Ex is coming to stay; woo. Going to be fuuuuuun tiems.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:11, Reply)

Its good.
A little hard on the back though, especially when you have a bit of a bony spine.

Oooo, have fun!!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:32, Reply)

I'm well-cushioned ;)
I will do. But I hope he's up for it. He's used the "I'm too tired/have a headache" line on me before!
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:35, Reply)

That's our line!
Men can't steal it!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:37, Reply)

Your line?
Noone's ever used that line on me before.

Statement may contain internet lies
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:39, Reply)

Boss-
it's the typical response if they think a guy is too ugly to ahve sex wiht, or just can't be bothered.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:41, Reply)

I always used to use it when the ex just wasn't turning me on...
i.e. most nights.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:44, Reply)

The Ex doesn't do it for me, either.
Dunno why I keep doing it to myself.

Must be his sparkling personality.

Oh wait -
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:49, Reply)

Cos a shag's a shag isn't it?
No shame in that.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:51, Reply)

Yeah, but if I wanted a DECENT shag
I'd go to my other fuckbuddy.

Who is a lot better.

But lacks the emotional connection.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:54, Reply)

Well there you go.
Is it the emotional connection you crave rather than a damn good porking?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:56, Reply)

He's got a place in my heart.
It's probably furlined, where he's waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad slaves, giving him any pleasure he wanted...

He's completely undeserving, but I just can't quit him!

/is brained by homophobic cowboys
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:59, Reply)

Wow
Sounds like a nice place he's got there.

Is he still hung up on you?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:05, Reply)

*pause*
AAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

You're funny.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:35, Reply)

Well, I try.
:D
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:37, Reply)

He never liked me.
/massive sob story
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:42, Reply)

Always good to have options :D

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:59, Reply)

This?
New guy does though. Phew!
/hot and bothered
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:54, Reply)

;-)
I know.

My ex-wife seemed to have crippling headaches 99.8% percent of the time.

The other 0.2% I was too pissed.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:46, Reply)

:$
I just fail at working out if anyone is taking the piss or not.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:48, Reply)

Bless your heart :)
*pats head*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:50, Reply)

Hang on....
But there really is a pandemic of Weekend headaches that only affect girls, right...?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:47, Reply)

Yes.
Of course there is. Don't mind these people.
Everything you've been told is true. *pats head*
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:55, Reply)

Phew
Also, sometimes you can be so good at the sex that girls aren't ready for round two for several years, right? Right?
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 19:57, Reply)

This is also true.
Sometimes, round one is so mind-blowingly amazing, girls believe that ever having a round two may cause them to implode from sheer pleasure, and so prefer not to have a round two at all, so that they can better remember round one.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:07, Reply)

She's right
Only reason I haven't put my head in the oven!

That, and because it's electric.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:09, Reply)

I knew it!
In your face, Citizens Advice Bureau!

'Inappropriate conduct' my arse!

Still, that ban expires in a month so I can rub it in their faces!
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:09, Reply)

Careful
Rubbing it in their faces could lead to another ban.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:12, Reply)

It's ok
I've bought a balaclava. Lets see them pick me out of a line up a second time!
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 20:15, Reply)