Crow tries to cope with cultural differences
One of the other guys in my office is eating something. I think it's some sort of mass-manufactured pasty. Now I normally have no objection to this, but it smells funny and he's quite a noisy eater.

He's Cantonese, so I normally give him the benefit of the doubt, because I'm led to believe in Hong Kong it's quite normal for people to slurp noisily on their noodle soup. But today, the wet, fleshy sound of his lips clapping together as they engulf ever more soggy pastry and savoury goo is really distracting me from the talk I'm trying to write.

Should I say something? Or should I just punch him in the face?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:26, 64 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Take it away Monty.

( girlinthehole, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:28, Reply)

You're just being lacist

( Peej, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Pull the corners of your eyes sideways
then tell him you're 'velly solly', THEN punch him in the face.

EDIT: is that OK for you, BGB?


EDIT 2: then sing the Goons classic, 'The Ying Tong Song':
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nebe1zuEtbc
whilst pissing in his ear. That should do it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:31, Reply)

A face wash with boiling coffee
is usually effective at silencing noisy eaters
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:33, Reply)

Shit on his desk.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:35, Reply)

While he's eating.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:35, Reply)

then make him eat it.
With chopsticks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:35, Reply)

The filthy Chinee will gulp it down, making even more disgusting lip-smacking sounds.
They're like that.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:36, Reply)

'filthy Chinee' replaces 'rammy' as term of the day.
I didn't see that coming.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:39, Reply)

It makes me feel like I'm insulting someone while wearing a monocle and pith-helmet
and drinking a G&T.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:40, Reply)

I always feel like that.
I honestly do. In my mind I'm in a Jeeves & Wooster story. In reality, it's more Irvine Welsh, unfortunately.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:42, Reply)

Oh, fucking tell me about it.
I should be wearing spats and delivering cutting, off the cuff witticisms. As it turns out, I'm wearing trainer and just saying 'fuck' a lot.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:44, Reply)

On this front I would very
much like a three piece tweed suit for Christmas
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Yes, definitly!
A tweed suit needs a waistcoat.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:47, Reply)

Me too
I'd like plus fours like Goldfinger's golf outfit, ideally.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Bermuda shorts for the upper class

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

early B-Boy style

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Doing windmills and crazy-legs
to a jaunty 20s jazz tune, while impeccably dressed and wearing a monocle.

All the while, your butler looks on, a tray of martinis at he ready.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:58, Reply)

sometimes 'I like this' just doesn't cover it

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:59, Reply)

I'm just that good sometimes.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:01, Reply)

you're not wrong
I've decided to wear my grey 3-piece to our christmas do. This will mean the potential of photos of me gurning out a guitar solo while immaculately dressed in a well-cut suit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:02, Reply)

If this happens and you don't get pictures
I'll be round your house with a fucking hammer, pal.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:06, Reply)

it will happen
and some of my colleagues are so snap happy that there'll more than likely be hundreds of photos to satisfy my terrible terrible vanity.

I'm wondering though, whether to go for white shirt, or black shirt...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Black - everyone loves the Oswald Moseley look.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:23, Reply)

I sport that look quite a lot
black shirt, brown cords. that's my work outfit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:48, Reply)

Aaaah, I love the smell of casual racism in the morning

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:42, Reply)

casual is the best
Why dress it up in fancy shoes?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:44, Reply)

This made me do a little sick in my mouth

make hime a shit pasty, it's like a normal pasty only it's filled with your shit, get it?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:41, Reply)

Its not a cultural thing
he's just gross.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:42, Reply)

they sell those at Liverpool Street station

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

If he wants to eat like a dog
then get him a can of dog food, and batter his fucking yellow face in with it.

Irreversible style.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:51, Reply)

That reminds me of a certain news item.....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Batter his face in with it while wearing the tweed Goldfinger suit.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Definitely do this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:54, Reply)

Tape the dog food tin to a golf-club
FORE!
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:55, Reply)

You are officially the best person on the internet today.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:02, Reply)

My internet smugness will become fucking unbearable.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:03, Reply)

I
properly hate people who chew and slobber food with open mouths, and people who talk with a mouth full of food.

It is fucking disgusting.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Is there some cultural reason why whenever I hear a student dragging their feet
I know without looking that they're Chinese.
Seriously, what is that?
It can't be genetic. Is there anyone here who knows something about shoe/walking etiquette in China??
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

They've had their feet bound.
They all do it, I've heard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:54, Reply)

No, this is dudes as well, Monty.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:57, Reply)

It is because they are in a post casino fug.
Voracious gamblers the chinee, always seem to be losing as well.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:01, Reply)

and they're all on opium.
And they're all Triads.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:04, Reply)

Call in the Royal Navy to bombard his desk from the sea.
Then invade and occupy his cubicle and force him to buy all of your spare opium. Its really the only reasonable, British thing to do.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Fucking Triads,
a particularly mental group of characters right there. Must be plenty of them dahn lahndahn way. As well the Yardies of course...
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:09, Reply)

A friend was eating out in Chinatown one night
when a shitload of scrawny lank-haired fuckers with meat cleavers steamed in the door and straight through to the kitchens, from whence horrible screaming could be heard.

'It was fucking brilliant - and we just fucked off without paying, too'

Charming chap.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:17, Reply)

'cause of course,
when it sounds like someone's being brutally murdered in the kitchen, the first thing you think to do is ask for the bill...

How peculiar.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:21, Reply)

Hadn't really thought of it like that, I have to say
The opportunistic glee with which the tale was told was slightly appalling, though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Yeah, if he'd said
"We decided the safest thing to do was to get the fuck out of there,"
it wouldn't be as troubling. I know some people always like to look on the bright side of life, but I think you have to draw the line somewhere...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:28, Reply)

If you were wearing your Goldfinger suit
you'd just casually interrupt, compliment the chef, and slide a 10 Bob note into the waiters top pocket. Pip pip!
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:26, Reply)

then strike up a witty Noel Coward-style ditty on the piano.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Oh dear,
compliments to the chef? Lacerations to the chef more like it.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:23, Reply)

I wish someone would do that to Ken fucking Hom
Never has a man had such an appropriate name.

He's like some oleagenous fucking sex tourist, that cunt. I hate him and his fucking rice wine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:28, Reply)

He is very slimy,
like a tamperer, a toucher and a watcher all rolled into one greasy spring roll.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:31, Reply)

I think the same could be said for most male celebrity chefs though
Gary "fucking" Rhodes and Jamie "ooh what a bit slobbery tongue I've got" Oliver are similarly insufferable.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:36, Reply)

Rhodes is especially unpleasant.
Never trust a thin chef.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:50, Reply)

I hate gary rhodes with his stupid hair and face
and his crap recipes and his disdain for Nigella
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:59, Reply)

I don't know what he's got against her
any woman who can cook that well with knockers that big is alright in my book.

Him and his stupid face.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 12:43, Reply)

He probably tried - and failed - to shag her
The fucking gaunt, humourless wankstain.

Nigella is superb. She'd get it until my bollocks exploded.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:26, Reply)

damn straight
I have a penchant for curvy dark haired women with milky complexions, large boobs and a filthy look about them. the cooking is just a bonus.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:54, Reply)

Celebrity chefs
began and ended with Keith Floyd...the Hurricane Higgins of the cooking world
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 12:02, Reply)

an old mate of mine moved to rural Ireland many years ago
Turned out Floydy lived in the same village - they became close pub-mates. Utterly unsurprisingly he was a right fucking laugh, apparently.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 12:26, Reply)

You're forgetting Fanny & Johnny Craddock
One of my brother's friends was their carer in their final days - when she went to their house for the first time, there was a god-awful stench in the front hall. Some investigating later, it became apparent that the smell was coming from a large number of carrier bags all over the place, that were filled with the (now totally senile) Fanny's shit.

What a brilliant story, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:30, Reply)

excellent

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 13:54, Reply)