Plans to make a million.
I'm going to steal one of Crow's "BUMDER ALERT" posts before he copyrights them.
Then I'll get someone to read it like Holly from Red Dwarf and record it.
Then I'll turn it into a ringtone and sell it for loads of money.
I think I have at least one buyer already.
Minted.

Outrageous money-making plans anyone?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:23, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm going to a wine festival this weekend, reckon I'll offer hand jobs to drunkards

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:26, Reply)

To make a million?
You'll be spending a good chunk of that on surgery for RSI.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I hope they all get off quickly

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

If I was in merkinland and I was off my face on wine
then I would definitely consider letting you touch my cock. But it would cost you.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:28, Reply)

I've got 11p

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

That's $32 right?
Sounds like we have a deal.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I need that for my Porkylips duff-up fund.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

will .20 € do?

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Sure.
Thanks
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:46, Reply)

A good one I heard somewhere is
Buy a fleet of 10 or so 2nd hand shitty white vans

Paint a notice on the back saying "hows my driving? call 12349876"

Register the phone number as a £10 a minute premium line

Then hire 10 chavs to drive the vans like cunts all over that there london, and a couple of receptionists to string out the calls when they come in.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:28, Reply)

I'm going to beat you up
and get £1.75 off everyone from /ot for doing it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:29, Reply)

You mustn't beat up retired people
They are sacred.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:31, Reply)

It's OK.
I have my Pensioners' Brick. Made from a daily telegraph.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:37, Reply)

£43.75 won't get you very far these days old boy.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Only 25 people on OT?
I used to feel like I was part of something special. Now I just feel like a saddo on the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Just a rough stab in the dark.
Which is what Porky is probably going to get if he doesn't shush his hole about being retired, ho ho ho. OH, MY SIDES!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:36, Reply)

*Glees*
Todays work is done.
I won't mention it anymore.
Just presume I have.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Black Adder

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Indeed.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:40, Reply)

I don't need the money.
I just wanted Porkylips to know that everyone on here wants me to beat him up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:35, Reply)

STRIKETHROUGH
Make your own up, it's bound to be more amusing than mine.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:36, Reply)

^ It's THIS sort of post
that makes everyone want to pay me to duff you over, Porkles old bean.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Sorry.
*Looks suitably chastened. Scuffs toes in dust.*
Can we still be bum-chums?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

NO WAY
*duffs*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:42, Reply)

This has made me laugh out loud.
On my own. It's much better when you have colleagues to ask what's so fucking funny.
Sigh.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Porky, you're about as popular as DarthFoxtrot at the moment.
How are the mighty fallen.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Hold on, things haven't got THAT bad for him yet.
That's tomorrow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:40, Reply)

That's almost as bad as when Chompy compared me to Jah Jah Binks.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

That failed meme-attempt?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:42, Reply)

everything Psychochomp says
is a failed meme attempt.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:48, Reply)

The lowest of blows

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Speaking of money making plans
One of my reasons for stopping smoking was to save money, calculated as being around £150 a month. I've been stopped for 5 weeks now, so why am I just as overdrawn this month as I was last month? Eh? EH?

I blame the government, whoever they are.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Are you buying more sweeties or beer or Daleks or summat?
I spent my smokes savings on camera gear. Unforetunately I mostly spent it before I'd saved it so Mr Barclaycard got most of it.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:48, Reply)

you've probably replaced the fags
with pie or similar.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Nope, not that I am aware.
As far as I can tell my spending on other things hasn't increased. Ah well. Payday on Friday, thank Christ.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:50, Reply)

It seems that no matter how many pay rises I've received
I still never seem to be securely solvent, but my spending doesn't seem to increase. It's like when goldfish grow to the size of their tank even if you buy it a huge sexy tank so it can have lots of fun racing the bubbles, it still just fills it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:53, Reply)

get a job
you lazy fuck.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:45, Reply)

But I'm old and crippled and no-one wants an old crippled stupid person.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:49, Reply)

go and work for Age Concern

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Or B&Q

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:50, Reply)

are you really old?
Did I just call an old person a lazy eff?

I'm actually quite ashamed, this is not how my parents brought me up.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Sort of old.
51 in June. It was always my hope to be finished work by the time I was 50 so not bad really.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:57, Reply)

you're younger than my dad
so I can be cheeky. YOU LAZY FUCK!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:59, Reply)

That's younger than MY Dad!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:01, Reply)

I was about to be all offended and "hey, we're not that far apart!"
but then I remembered you're a fucking teenager. I hate you.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:08, Reply)

I can only dream of that. That's sterling work.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Thank you my duffing friend.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Pillowglove
the travel pillow shaped like a glove so you can just rest your head on your hand like you would do normally, but there's a pillow there!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:49, Reply)

A bit like a boxing glove?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:54, Reply)

It would still be roughly hand sized,
just with soft foamy padding on the palm side. And it would have separate finger bits rather than be mitten like, so you could sculpt it around your face however is comfiest.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:58, Reply)

UPDATE
The Porkles duff-up fund has already reached £11245.27 plus Kristine's Euros.

Twenty more quid and I'll fucking kill the cunt for you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:56, Reply)

I think "Duff Up" should be brought back into more popular usage.
What time are we meating on thursday?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I'm booking for 7:30
once I get a reply from that ne'er-do-well DiT and his beard wife...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Sweet
I'm not doing anything important the following day so I'm going to drink more than last time.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Good lad.
Post-prandial brandies on me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:14, Reply)

I like where this is going
It's going to be a long week for me but basically everything important finishes on the Thursday afternoon. I'm going to need to bleach my memory of it all. Might pick some easier-drinking beers than last time.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Lying twat.
You'll spend it on pharmaceuticals. And unsuitable women.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Damn. Rumbled.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 May 2010, 16:59, Reply)

I wouldn't be quite so mortally offended by this shameless and selfish attempt to make money from my entirely philanthropic public service
Were it not for the possessive apostrophe and capitalised 'C' you've so flagrantly omitted from my name.

Looks like the kind of mistake a DEVIOUS RETIRED OLD BUMDER might make...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:28, Reply)

ALERT!
What mistake? I see no mistake.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 17:33, Reply)

BUMDER ALERT!
RETIRED DEVIOUS OLD BUMDER ALERT! REPEAT, BUMDE-...hang on, I know what you're trying to do! Put that microphone away!
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:34, Reply)

It only LOOKS like a microphone.
*applies lube.*
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 17:37, Reply)

OH.
OH DEAR.

Not just a DEVIOUS RETIRED OLD BUMDER, but a NINJA DEVIOUS RETIRED OLD BUMDER WITH A RECTAL PROBE.

BUMDER ALERT! BUMDER ALERT! WE BELIEVE THERE TO BE A RETIRED DEVIOUS OLD NINJA BUMDER ARMED WITH A RECTAL PROBE STALKING THE AREA. HE IS HERE, HE IS QUEER, AND HE WANTS TO GET RIGHT UP YOUR BUM. TAKE ALL NECESSARY PRECAUTIONS TO BATTEN DOWN YOUR HATCHES AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON ARSEHOLES.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 May 2010, 18:35, Reply)

Gotcha!
That came out quite nicely. First part of plan accomplished.
Shit, confounded now. Damn technology.

Ah well. It's the thought that counts.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 10 May 2010, 20:19, Reply)

Build a large number of small hoverboards
In order to make everything in my house hover, then sell the concept to lazy fat people. Or anyone really, because a hoverfridge would be fucking awesome.

I reckon I could make a hovering fridge for about £100. I know what I'll be doing for at least part of the summer.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 10 May 2010, 17:40, Reply)

if it has voice command
"come here fridge", i'll take 10
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Mon 10 May 2010, 18:01, Reply)