I got to work at 11, right
All management figures disappeared into a meeting about 11.30. I am leaving this job in five days. I have done absolutely fuck all work so far today. Somehow, this is making me hungry. Take my mind off it, B3ta.

Alt Q, because I haven't asked one yet, think of a creative punishment for people who litter/walk really fucking slowly when you're in a hurry/cut in ahead of you at roundabouts/whatever most pisses you off
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:54, 96 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

they should be forced to wear spangly, sequinned clothes
and move in a co-ordinated fashion while listening to god awful music. I can think of no worse punishment.
( djtrialprice, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:57, Reply)

So every weekend Chez Trialprice is a punishment?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Hang about
Is that a subtle dig at me? I ask because if so, it's unchartered territory for me on B3ta, and I need time to compose myself and think of an apt response
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Sandpaper their anus...
...and make them wear undies soaked in lemon juice and tabasco.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Does anyone know where Tuggers lives?
I need to know so I can not go there in case I litter
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Under your bed.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:00, Reply)

That's a relief
I thought the ungodly stench was my fault
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:02, Reply)

You really should clean up.
It's filthy under here.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:04, Reply)

You're not paying rent
You fucking do it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:06, Reply)

Don't touch that string of beads though,
You don't know where they've been.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:16, Reply)

He really does

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Don't you get butch with me pal.
I was only hiding under here because we thought you were at the door.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:21, Reply)

Just because your hand is your only sexual partner
doesn't make it OK to refer to you and it in the plural
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Yes it is.
It's the Royal Wee.

*gets coat*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Dude
You were doing so well
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:36, Reply)

Be forced to listen to all the worst one-hit wonders of the nineties, e.g the Cheeky Girls
on repeat whilst being anally raped with a cat-AIDS contaminated rusty bayonet in a bath full of manure, and being forcefed raw tripe.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:02, Reply)

There.
A punishment that truly fits the crime.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:05, Reply)

erm
Can I just ask what exactly it is that pisses you off enough to subject someone to that? So I can, y'know, not do that, whatever it is? Also, should you get bored of the Uni lifestyle I think the US Army is looking for exciting new torture ideas
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Ohhh, many things.
People who shove their beliefs in my face, people who make their children fat, people who type in text talk, politicians, morons, my cunt of an ex discussed yesterday, tabloid journalists, "celebs" famous for no reason, the person who invented reality tv, people who attention seek and put their whole lives and romances on facebook.... the list goes on.

Edit: people who can't discipline their children, people who think I'm a Satanist, homophobes, Rahs, spoilt brats, rude/deliberately awkward customers, the founder of McDonalds...

I'm really a very laid back person, honest.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:13, Reply)

I actually agree wholeheartedly with the entirety of your list
apart from your ex upon whom I am in no position to comment. It's good to know that I'm unlikely to piss you off, given your treatment of those who do

I think my favourites are the first three. No excuse.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:19, Reply)

Thanks
Would you believe I'm actually in a very good mood today. I've just ordered an awesome new bikini, my Halestorm CD came this morning, I now have a piss easy job and I'm out tonight with my friends.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:26, Reply)

I'm very glad your day is lining up to tick all the boxes of AWESOME
sorry to dwell on the obvious, but what constitutes an awesome bikini? I mean, from a bloke's point of view a bikini's awesomeness is directly dictated by the woman wearing it and how much/little of her it covers. Surely there's too little material to get really excited about it as an item of clothing?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Cast your opinion.
This. And the matching bottoms.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:45, Reply)

Well, I agree it looks great on the girl in the sunglasses
but that's mostly because she's hot. Any bikini would look good on that girl. However, it really only matters that you're excited about the new clothing, so YAY
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Yep, tick-through that lot. Except your ex.
Not met him, nor you, so couldn't comment either way.
And yes, very laid back. Clearly.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:31, Reply)

OMG WTF!!!11111
LOL
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 22:13, Reply)

That'd be people in cycle lanes who pootle along at 2 miles an hour causing you to overtake them, a car to try and overtake you at the same time, miss you by 3 inches and then you to think "I'm going to die now because this idiot doesn't understand the purpose of a bike is that it makes you move *faster*". Such people should be made to go faster. By being riveted to the front of buses.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:10, Reply)

People who are rude when I've been really helpful
Like when I've held a door or something.
They should have their faces grated and be told how lovely I am and how they shouldn't have made a mug of me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:14, Reply)

Some people honestly think that being rude is the way to get free stuff from life
I've learnt this from my years in retail and customer service. Some folk call these people "customers". I have a more succint name for them
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:22, Reply)

yes but they'e not going to get anything from a random woman on the street
who has just held a door for them.
I know 'customers' do it, but ehy when they're just in human being mode?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:25, Reply)

I'm not convinced that the sort of person who assumes shouting on the phone will get them a discount
is capable of being any less of a cunt when they're not in the process of buying stuff
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:27, Reply)

cunts?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Give that woman a biscuit

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:29, Reply)

It's cuntstomers

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:32, Reply)

I like
slightly unwieldy though. Lacks the entertaining punch of "cunts". God that's a good word.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:35, Reply)

yeah but you can say it within earshot and not get caught

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:48, Reply)

My, you're a crafty one
DJTP must be rethinking every pet name you've ever whispered breathily in his ear right now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:49, Reply)

FUGLY!
FUGLY HARDER!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:59, Reply)

*sniggers*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:01, Reply)

yay, biscuit!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:38, Reply)

*flings chocolate digestives at Manchester*
I have some vague idea that you live in Manchester
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:42, Reply)

I go to uni in Manchester.
I'm currently back in Cheshire for the summer. But its close enough.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:46, Reply)

My aim when flinging a packet of biscuits about 250 miles probably isn't accurate enough to be sure of hitting Manchester anyway
If you go outside at about 1.53pm and look up, you might get lucky

Or a bird might shit on you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:48, Reply)

I missed 1:53. :(
Throw another one.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:02, Reply)

Alright, but this is the last one
I can't afford to keep North-west England in biscuits, you know
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I'll tell you something I hate....
Is when you go to cross a road, and someone goes at 3 miles an hour, but won't let you cross, and because of that you miss an opertunity cross the road because of a lack in traffic going the other way. Or the oppersite, when they drive so fast.

Or even worst, when a car stops directly in front of you as you go to cross, meaning you've got to walk around them and can't see the rest road. When they could have stopped half a meter back and it wouldn't have made any differance to them.

And people in supermarkets who suddenly stop, or leave their trolly in the middle of the isle and walk off. Loads of times I think to myself to say "If you angle it just a little bit to the left, you could block the asle completely".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:16, Reply)

And people who let their brats run amuck in supermarkets, treating the place like a creche.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:17, Reply)

And the fucking self check out tills.
The constant "Please remove item from basket" thing, while the staff stares off into the distance ignoring everyone.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:19, Reply)

And people who want to talk to you when you're at a cafe and just want to read a book while having a bite to eat.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:20, Reply)

And a lot of american music with their "ooooo baby, you're my world" and their '[feats]' and all that insipid talentless bollocks.
At least half the songs I see these days, they say their own name at least 30 times per song or talk about their career's grass roots.

//edit//

... and how much they miss being back on the porch at their mum's house. It's like the oppersite from Bling, and is just as shit.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:25, Reply)

Aside Hollyoaks, there is nothing that I really like to watch on telly any more.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:28, Reply)

Not being able to work out what to have for dinner.
I just started thinking about it, and I'll be thinking about it 'till I finally eat. I think tonight is a good day to have Japanise, as it's so hot, and I don't want anything hot.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Yeah', that's right, I'm going for Japanise tonight, I can't be fucked cooking, it's way to hot to eat any hot food.
But it won't be a big one.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:32, Reply)

You must love
Belinda Carlisle's I Get Weak then. Lots of wo oh's
(jajwhite, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 13:22, Reply)

What you need, mate, is SERVANTS
who will go shopping for you and endure this irritating shit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:21, Reply)

If I owned a supermarket, a busy one like ASDA or whatever, I'd have 2 hours a day where everything is 10% more expensive.
And on the basis of that, it'll knock out a load of people who'll refuse to shop during those hours, but increase people like me who just want to do normal shopping.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:22, Reply)

I like the creative thinking here
When B3ta finally gets around to pooling its collective geeky resources to build a robot army instead of photoshopping pictures of Hulk Hogan, the UK is going to be a much more fun place to live
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:24, Reply)

This is the future.
However, as offtopicers, we wouldn't be held in the greatest of esteem by the rest of the b3ta ruling body.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:47, Reply)

They'll be like the Army, designing our killer robot warriors of doom
to our shady government cabal, thinking up ever more devious and entertaining ways to torture people who watch Little Britain and make the current batch of pop stars dance for our amusement
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:51, Reply)

I hate that thing with them slowing down too
They do it on purpose.
They want you to die. They want to see you squashed between two cars on the white line and it not be their fault, but to know they had a hand in it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:18, Reply)

I always feel like throwing my drink or whatever at their car.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:21, Reply)

RE Trolleys.
When they leave it fill it with the most useless things you can find. A pointless gesture I know but oddly pleasing.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:18, Reply)

I sometimes push it to the next isle along and put different stuff in it so they have to start again.
Serves them right.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:20, Reply)

That works really well if they have left a child in the seat.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Or, you could just switch children from two different trolleys.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Stranger Danger!
I don't know you!
I hate it when the little fuckers scream that.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:34, Reply)

That's my favourite bit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:39, Reply)

People who display their ignorance
of the definition of ‘ignorance’ by using it to denote standoffishness and/or ignoring someone, should have their eyes clamped open, ‘A Clockwork Orange’ style, and have white-hot sand poured into their eyes, whilst I caper about in front of them bellowing ‘Save Your Love’ by Renee & Renata.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:31, Reply)

One of the several bullying cunt bitches in my school was saying my name over and over from behind me in class once
And I couldn't be arsed turning round for some more abuse so I ignored her.
She ordered that I "stop being fucking iggranant!!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Would it be OK if we applied the same punishment...
...to those who say 'anyways'?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:38, Reply)

By all means! Come one, come all.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:44, Reply)

...to Monty's bukkake party

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Just shut up and keep your mouth open.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Woah
flashback to... most of my 20's, actually
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Any plans for the weekend?
Other than self abuse in all it's glorious myriad of forms?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:47, Reply)

I'm playing a 4-hour set of classic breaks
in Shoreditch tonight, Lord's Prayering it all day tomorrow in my local park, then seeing Eleni Sunday morning/afternoon - maybe take her shopping for sneakers.

I have some rocking Thai weed which shall flavour the whole weekend with its rich aroma.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 13:51, Reply)

That ticks a lot of boxes.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:01, Reply)

he'll be "ticking" his "box" as well

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:05, Reply)

I don't get it

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:07, Reply)

nor me
I was hoping that the reader could come up with their own foul explanation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Creativity? Freedom of expression? What do you think this is, the Guardian?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:09, Reply)

Well, I've evidently spent too much time on here.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:10, Reply)

No more class A's for me this weekend is the plan.
The past three nights on the trot have been progressively more debauched and I really need to get some proper sleep in at some point. I've had no more than 8 hours' sleep since Monday night and I'm flagging somewhat as a result.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Sleep - you big bumder.
*snaps fingers* Waiter - more charlie.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:28, Reply)

It was half four when I got to bed this morning
and I was up again at 7. I won't see my bed again til about 4 tomorrow morning what with DJing tonight - I fucking crave a good old snooze right now, I really do. If that makes me a bender then turn up the Marc Almond, I'm off to work in musical theatre.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:38, Reply)

I would pay good money to see you in musical theatre
And I fucking hate musicals. I can see you as Maria in West Side Story
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:40, Reply)

Getting shagged by Nazis.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:44, Reply)

when reality and fiction combine....

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Guys, I think we've hit the jackpot.
Quick, someone write it. I'll do the rest of the casting and Kitty can make the costumes.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

"The hills are alive, with the sound of Tractor...."
A few of Monty's favourite things would be quite fun too.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

I think favourite things could work very well indeed
White-crusted noses and rutting with exes
massive fat reefers and shagging both sexes
ugly chav rent-boys, covered in bling
These are a few of my (Monty's) favourite things
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:05, Reply)

*begrudging lol*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

HeHe.
When the worm turns, when his piss burns,
That's what makes him sad.
Hoover some charlie and brew up some shrooms
And then things don't seem so bad.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:55, Reply)

I like the name update, Apples, it suits you.
I hate musicals even more than I hate Bowie.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Ta very much.
Yes, but would you be willing to star in one where you got to have sex with nazis?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Hot Nazi Aryan women, I would, no problem.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)