GRRRRRR!!
I am being driven mad by mosquito bites, mosquitos themselves and houseflies.

Any recommendations of how to be rid of them?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:40, 57 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Coat yourself in honey and the mosquitos won't be able to penetrate the sticky layer.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Tomorrow ask me what to do about the swarms of bees and wasps.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:45, Reply)

Well, OBVIOUSLY you coat yourself in tar then to trap them by the stingers.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I can see a flaw in this plan

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Pfeh. You won't once you've got the tar on you. Won't see anything else, through the gloop either but it's a small price to pay for lovely bite-free skin.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Basil

( Peej, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:44, Reply)

He charges too much as an exterminator, the cnut.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:51, Reply)

A small plastic pot of poison laden chicken shit should get rid of the flies.
Ask Abby about the mozzies.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Houseflies are cunts
I've had to keep my windows closed and use a fan.
They kept coming in in swarms and mocking Tigger.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:47, Reply)

I would do this but it's about 30,000,000,000,000 degrees here
It would be cooler if I pitched a tent on the surface of the sun!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

That would be impossible to do
unless you did it at night
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Close all windows before going to bed. Spot mozzies on walls. Prod the bastards to death. Go to sleep with a nice warm vengeful glow inside and no mozzie bites on the outside. Worked for me yesterday.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Fire.
Lots of fire.

_{(NB may get rid of everything else around you at the same time)}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Damn you, I was going to say that

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:50, Reply)

I'm sure there's a phrase for this sort of occurence, "Great minds, something something"
'afternoon, Becky. How's tricks?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:53, Reply)

"Great minds burn stuff?"
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:54, Reply)

I like this suggestion

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Yeah, only I thought of it before I saw you'd written it, so I am therefore supreme. Yes.
Good thanks, long of evening of reception with no clients coming in awaits, so I thought I'd stop in here for a bit as everyone's getting ready to leave.

Where's that lovely flim flam? Haven't seen her on here in ages.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:57, Reply)

I think DiT
has killed her to stop her leaving him. I'm very sad about this as I'm sure you can imagine.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:02, Reply)

I'm starting to think this too

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Haven't spotted either of them on here for a while
Which makes me think he's been too pre-occupied with preserving the body to remember to post on here and make it look as though everything is continuing as normal.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:07, Reply)

I bet he's going through Oust and Raid like Mandy Jordache

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:10, Reply)

I reckon he has embalmed her in a seating position so he can come home
and see her sitting on the sofa and he goes "Hello dear, I'm back from the office" and she doesn't respond so he pretends they had a fight earlier and she's still cross with him, so he goes into the kitchen and pours them both a glass of wine and then sits next to her and watches the telly in silence. Then he starts to looks sideways at her and slowly starts to smile and then he slides a bit closer and puts his hand on her leg.

So he finishes his wine and slides his hand up her leg, gently tickling her thighs, at which point he pretends she's forgiven him for the earlier fight so he leans over and kisses her and then starts feverishly grinding his crotch against her cold stiff legs before unzipping his flies and spattering his love potion all over her face and mouth.

Then he feels guilty so he quickly wipes her face and then goes and sits in his room until dawn starts to break and he can have a shower and go to work again.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:12, Reply)

So that's why he hasn't asked me over for dinner for a few weeks!
What was your pressie out of interest?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:14, Reply)

It was a CD by Anathema
It was an album of acoustic versions of their songs, I've not had the chance to listen to it much but the tracks I've heard so far are really good.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:17, Reply)

Ooh nice :)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:27, Reply)

I reckon this too

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:53, Reply)

"fools seldom differ"

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:13, Reply)

Get PJM to leave his massive cock exposed
they will all swarm on him and leave you alone.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:48, Reply)

100% trufact
1. Remove clothes
2. Take pictures
3. Post pictures on Internet
4. post links on b3ta
5. ?
6. Profit
( Peej, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I love this one
Especially no.5
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:51, Reply)

It's like a scale model of PJMs cock isn't it.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:52, Reply)

Once it's in, it ain't coming out...

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:56, Reply)

I was thinking of it being attached at the top and dangling downwards with its might helmet bobbing below it.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Ah
So not like some sexy hook that ensnares it's prey and won't let go?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Well I don't know
it did capture chickenlady
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:01, Reply)

So you mean every time we're talking to her on here...
Eww.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Just ignore them and they'll leave you alone

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Tell that to the Poles.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:02, Reply)

Yes, it's piss poor advice
in the same league as "Just be yourself"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:05, Reply)

Quite, If we all went round being ourselves, the world would be in a right fucking mess.
Shit, it is.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:07, Reply)

Lemongrass
www.ehow.com/how_2164040_use-lemongrass-oil-as-insect.html
(TheColonel, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 16:59, Reply)

Change your blood group
Away from one of the As. I can't remember which, but mozzies like one of them.

As for the flies, bury the body deeper.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Feed tangerines to PJM.
Lock him out of the house.
Flies will be drawn to the resultant explosive mess, thus vacating your home.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:19, Reply)

badminton racket for houseflies
for bites, get a piezo cigarette lighter, take the sparky bit out of it and give yourself electric shocks on and around the bites.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 17:47, Reply)

Pervert

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 18:00, Reply)

Shit on PJM and suddenly the flies won't find you so attractive
but PJM still might
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 18:07, Reply)

To prevent mosquito bites,
use Avon's Skin So Soft. Seriously, for whatever reason, it works.

Also, citronella candles will keep 'em away.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 18:08, Reply)

I hate flies
it's almost a phobia and I'm being hunted by one. He followed me all evening last night, and when I finally went to bed (shutting the door and making sure he was gone) I woke up at 3am to him buzzing around me and landing on my arm :(
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 18:15, Reply)

Toothpaste
Takes away the itch of the bites and they heal quicker.

The cheaper the toothpaste the better it works! :)

As to getting rid of them, I like the fire idea... They dont like smoke, so it's a valid reason to chase them with a home made flame thrower! :)

Good Luck!
(WeeJen, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 18:45, Reply)

For the mozzie bites I have purchased Piriton
For the flies I have purchased basil.

I also bought coriander but I think I might make Green later.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 19:17, Reply)

I CAN HELP
Raid plug in mozzie destroyers work pretty well though you'd probably need a couple of them for a big room, alongside Raid aerosol mozzie killer for any you spot flying around.

/has become quite adept at destroying mozzies recently & tried many products

Or alternatively, move to somewhere without mozzies, which I think is next on my agenda.
( broadsword, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 20:15, Reply)

This ^

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 21:14, Reply)

And breasts

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 22:01, Reply)

He'll never move somewhere without breasts

(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 22:08, Reply)

I'm the same

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 22:11, Reply)

i'm quite the fan

( broadsword, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 22:14, Reply)