I was listening to the radio this morning
and they were talking about the Raoul Moat Facebook page and stuff, and apparently some enterprising spark has started printing Raoul t-shirts. He's quoted as saying "If Moat can make a killing, then so can I".

This made me laugh probably more than it should.

I other news, I brushed my teeth this morning and didn't turn the cold tap off during the act, as is customary. How have you stuck two fingers up at the environment recently?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:12, 101 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After a night on the ale
I have a tendency to produce more greenhouse gases than a whole field of cattle. There's a lovely image for you.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:18, Reply)

The subject line for this week's mailout had me in stitches.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:18, Reply)

If only he was still alive when the GP's take control of the NHS

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:20, Reply)

Does that mean goodbye to all the Trusts?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:28, Reply)

Nope, just PCT's and SHA's
There'll be more foundation trust hospitals.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I just overheard a nurse asking very matter of factly,
"is there any chance there's anything left in your vagina at all?"
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:26, Reply)

*raises eyebrow*
You have a vagina?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:54, Reply)

I'm tempted to buy lots of shares in BP
What do you think?
( djtrialprice, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Slick move.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:21, Reply)

Should have done it yesterday.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:22, Reply)

I was thinking that :-(

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:26, Reply)

But honestly small time investors can't make a killing like that,
charges would wipe out most the profit and to make a decent amount you'd have to risk a shit load.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I don't even have a small amount to put into shares anyway

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:31, Reply)

You can make some decent money with as little as £1000
but it's not on guessing on big news stories etc, it's by actually investing in a company that is good and that the market isn't currently in love with.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:34, Reply)

Basically I'm saying it's not easy,
what a shocker that is.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:36, Reply)

that is a shocking revelation
I don't have a grand, and if I did, and didn't have a wedding to spend it on, I'd probably spend it on a guitar.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I'm currently trying and failing to save a grand to start
but I've got some imaginary shares for the last 6 months and I'm about 9% up but that's before charges so it'll mean a whopping profit of about 4%.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:43, Reply)

I'm finding my large mortgage payments get in the way of saving
it's inconvenient

imaginary shares?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:45, Reply)

His imaginary girlfriend manages his portfolio.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Spreadsheet where I say I will buy £200 of these shares at this price on this date etc
then some free software that checks the price movement. It's more annoying when I make imaginary money than lose imaginary money.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:56, Reply)

ah I see
seeing how you get on before actually investing?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Yeah it's not that much effort really, I check it about once a week or so,
if it was real money you're talking about spending maybe an hour a day though.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I don't have that sort of time
unless I did it instead of going on b3ta when at work I suppose
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

I did it once
when I was younger. (The fake one obviously) was quite fun really, helps if you read the papers thoroughly
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:12, Reply)

If you work with spreadsheets all day you can get away with it at work.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:16, Reply)

can I just say
(and I say this as someone who works in financial services)
That is a really bad way to invest. You can do well for a few months and think it's down to your own decision-making. But the events of 2008 show that outside factors have the power to make or destroy your portfolio. If a single investor wants to play the stock market (and make a decent profit over and above transaction charges) then only way to do so sensibly is to take a long position i.e. keep hold of your investments for at least 5 years, and only invest what you can afford to lose.
( djtrialprice, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:35, Reply)

There's an inherrent risk to every way of investing
but as long as you're not investing any more than you can afford and you know that any day you could lose it all then I don't see the problem.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

I do agree on the long positions though.
no transaction charges make a big difference.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

aye
well best of British young Buffett.
( djtrialprice, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:49, Reply)

Bad Perms?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Alright Gary?
How's the troublesome family?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:29, Reply)

They're back to clicking 'like' on Beyonce's page
because he hasn't died yet and they feel like tits
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:01, Reply)

I stuck two fingers up at the weather this morning cos I wanted to go running and it was pissing it down
Does that count?

If not, I probably can't answer this question, I'm a bit of an environmentalist. I actually had to supress the urge to chastise you for the tap thing
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I also boiled a full ketttle to make one cup of coffee.
Doesn't that just make your blood BOIL, Foxy?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Sorry DG,
I can't hear you over the sound of the blood rushing in my ears and the gigantic, manly solar-powered motorbike I'm riding to your house with a fucking big sword
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I tried to eat a table and failed.
MY BRAIN HURTS.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Legs first, THEN the top, you silly boy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Montys school of love

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:39, Reply)

*Cuprinols nipples*
why did I post this? ^
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:40, Reply)

Because your a raging pervert with no sense of public decency whatsoever?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:46, Reply)

YOUR?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Oh, cock.
I blame the education system. Mrs Anderson, I used to think you were the best English teacher I ever had but now I know that you were a massive fraud.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Monty obviously respects you mate
You can tell by the way you're still alive
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I'm only alive I suspect
because I am hosting a bash in London village at which Monty will be in attendance. He'll probably kill me then. But hopefully not until last orders, at least.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

But I'm trying to flush the toilet.
hold on, i'll try this.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:42, Reply)

well that was the worst bit of advice I've been given.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer and plumber.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:48, Reply)

I'm too young and handsome to die like this.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:49, Reply)

That's what Moat said.
He was a liar as well.
( thealternativefact, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Are you going to tazer me now?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Absolutely.
Get your nuts out.
( thealternativefact, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Hang on
this scenario needs moar Gazza.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:56, Reply)

*cries*

( thealternativefact, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:57, Reply)

'Murty! It's me! I've brought you a fishin' rod, like!'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I really wish I'd fucking seen that.
Unfortunately the rolling coverage pissed me off big time and I had to leave the room and switch the telly off at the point where one BBC journo kept interrupting some poor bint's 'phone call to her mother who was trapped in a house not far from the scene.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:59, Reply)

I did precisely the the same. Fuck you Sopel.

(Cave Duck, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:09, Reply)

No one ever hears from plumbers.
Work-shy, thieving gits.
( thealternativefact, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Hi Clendrix !
I just wanna say, last night was absolutly wonderful, absolutly amazing, I can't believe all the stuff we did, it was soooo good, it's nice to see someone open minded about "sushi". Heh, who know you could do _that_ with wasabi and soy source ! My eyes are opened. I really enjoyed every aspect of it, from the first time we did "sushi" right down to the last bit of "sushi", it's a shame really that we couldn't have more "sushi" this morning, but I understand that you had work in the morning. At first I wasn't to pleased with doing "sushi" in front of our other guests, but when they joined in, oh wow, it's so refreshing to see a group of people who are open minded. I did try to swallow all of it, but there was that one bit that was a bit =/ and I had to spit it out, but it was my pleasure to give it a try, at least I know now a bit of "sushi" to avoid next time, I suppose that's the great thing about "sushi", that everyone can try different things, it's great to experment. I liked trying to get my mouth around the correct prounciation of things, I didn't realise Roll Play could be so much fun !

Anyway, if you ever want to do "sushi" again, it would be my absolute beyond pleasure, and that goes for our other guests too.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:23, Reply)

There's a video on videojug about how to eat sushi properly.
You should watch it.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:31, Reply)

*confuses*, you just pick it up with a chopstick and eat it, doncha?
Unless your'e at home, in which case it's fingers all the way.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

There's a shit load of ettiquette.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:38, Reply)

Ahh, cool, I'll look it up.
When I eat it at home, I just use my fingers.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:44, Reply)

Don't you dare dip the rice in the soy sauce you philistine.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:06, Reply)

He's dishonoured himself.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:14, Reply)

seppuku is the only way, now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:18, Reply)

You should never take advice from Monty, DG.
He's deranged from all the massive drugs and Hawkwind, see? Poor chap.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:50, Reply)

Such massive hawkwind...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:51, Reply)

ENORMOUS Hawkwind.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:53, Reply)

he tried to wank off my dad via the medium of dance, the bastard.
thank you for the new advice DG.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:52, Reply)

Tried. And succeeded.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Us DGs gotta stick together, DG.
He tries to wank off everybody's Dad via the medium of dance, the massive bumder that he is.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Hawkwind give me the fucking horn, what can I say.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 11:55, Reply)

we would never have guessed

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Ospreyfart is a great name for a tribute band, no?
*relurks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:11, Reply)

Eaglequack.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

I like that song by The American Rejects, "Another Heart Calls".
I love me a good duet.

Meatloaf has done some good ones, you like him?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:45, Reply)

I'd like it if the fat cunt died, if that's what you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:11, Reply)

I never do anything to help the environment
so today has been no different
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:03, Reply)

I bought a bike
Built in Taiwan using the latest robot welding techniques in a factory that doesn't conform to western environmental practices, before being painted and then shipped to the UK in a massive, belching container vessel is hardly environmentally sound.

Having said that, my two wheeled carbon emissions are commendibly low.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:07, Reply)

Unlike your other emissions, eh? Eh?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

*parp*

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:10, Reply)

I put a Walkers crisp packet in the plastic recycling bin
Causing two managers to argue whether or not they're made of plastic. I actually have work to do, so walked away.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

They are made of plastic
with a very thin film of aluminium evaporated onto it for shininess, then other layers of plastic stuff to seal in the aluminium.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Thanks, I did wonder
But I shall not tell my managers, because they're pricks.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:39, Reply)

Eco-Driving Award
Aparently, the powers that be are giving out "Eco Driving Awards" to certain drivers.

Personally I don't really want a pen and a mug with the company logo on it - and the fact that I pretty much thrash about in my £9m 170ton train trying to keep to time means I won't be given an award. Aparently it's all to do with cutting the amount of leccy we use - obviously there's not enough 50p's to put in the meter any more.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I'm not sure what this says
but I think the gist is that you're on my side
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Indeed
I've lost count the amount of stupid buzzwords and pointless targets that our glorious management have started spouting about eco-this or eco-that.

Aparently they want the company to be 'carbon-neutral' or somesuch nonsense.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

I'm planning on recycling my cats when they die and make them into slippers.
Well it's better than having them stuffed.
( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:55, Reply)

I couldn't do that to Tigger1
I'm going to have him stuffed and put on top of a piano
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 12:58, Reply)

Aveline Boswell is dead.
Were you related?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:01, Reply)

That's it!
I knew I recognised her from somewhere.
( djtrialprice, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:09, Reply)

Whyyyyyyyyyy!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

No.
He was thinking of Lilo Lil.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:23, Reply)

You cheeky sod
I considered myself a bit more like the one out of the benefits office
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:30, Reply)

For some reason I always imagine you look like...
...Wynona Ryder.
On a scale of 1-10 - with 10 being her and 0 being say Jon Pertwee - how close am I?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:39, Reply)

I'm a small brunette, but that's about it
I don't think I really look like anyone
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:46, Reply)

Aw and she was the best Aveline too
Not related though
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:13, Reply)

Or I could have them cast in concrete and put them on each end of my back gate like lions.

( girlinthehole, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:04, Reply)

I like this idea better

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:12, Reply)

Remember this book?
uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/101_uses_for_a_dead_cat
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:26, Reply)

poured beer in the yard

( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:23, Reply)

I did this with milkshake
It brought all the boys.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:38, Reply)