Last Friday
…was in the top three worst DJ gigs I have ever played.

A more hopeless collection of mongoloids I have possibly never encountered. There were a bunch of Dalston slags out for a birthday, who (perfectly reasonably) didn’t like what I was playing and requested r’n’b (with some difficulty I overcame the temptation to play some actual r’n’b and then pretend not to understand that this was not what they wanted) or ‘funky ‘aaaas’’ which turned out to be ‘funky house’. I told them I didn’t and carried on as best I could. No more than ten minutes later the same people asked the same question and received the same reply. This happened at least 25 more times – eventually when I saw one of these fat biffas approaching I just looked them dead in the eye and said ‘no I haven’t’ before they could speak. This was unfortunately too complicated for them to understand, apparently.

Then a fat sweaty Irish woman of about 50 started to complain that she wanted to hear something else ‘because my friend over there is heavily pregnant’. Fucking what??? Things didn’t get any better. I little Indian girl with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp came over and said that she liked the 50s stuff I was playing at the start but not the funk records I was reduced to playing because all the OTHER cunts didn’t like the 50s stuff. I then reverted to the rockabilly records like a good little boy, only to have the dribbling spastic say she didn’t like it. ‘Is this 50s? Maybe I meant 60s’. She didn’t mean 60s either, we found out.

In the end the owner (a big fan of mine – my only one that night) took pity on me and let me finish early and gave me loads of beer – I got so pissed I blundered off home without asking for my money. Then I lost my wallet yesterday, on the way back from seeing my father in Oxford.

World: 10
Monty: nil

EDIT What do you think of that?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:41, 123 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

you didn't post a question

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:42, Reply)

There you go.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

eh? There's still no question
THIS ISN'T STATEMENT OF THE WEEK!

EDIT: oh ok it's there now.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

I don't think the man needs a question
he possibly needs a hug, though.
(berk, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

yeah he needs a daily hug-o-gram

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

A daily gram of something, possibly

(berk, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

hmmm perhaps his permanent state of comedown is not helping matters

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Ah the joys of mobile dj'ing
Got any Kylie?
No
Got any Kylie?
No
( broadsword, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Next time you play
stick a sign up "no requests. If you don't like what I'm playing then tough"
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I'm going to take a machete next time.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

just make sure you don't get blood on your kit.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:02, Reply)

I was under the impression that the DJ's job was to play what the audiance wanted, rather than what he wants.
I tend to find it's quite rare when I'd go to a client "NO, YOU SHALL HAVE WHAT YOU'RE GIVEN AND YOU SHALL BE PLEASED".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:51, Reply)

I got that DJ Hero game this weekend, it's quite good fun.
If you ever need to ousource your work, I can bring that along with me.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I am seriously considering giving up altogether.
I gave up for the best part of 10 years and last Friday reminded me why.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:55, Reply)

I'll take over for you, don't need much more than a laptop these days.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

When you don't have what they want what can you do?
I have no problem with requests but the same one every ten minutes is, surely you must agree, fucking stupid in the extreme, no?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:52, Reply)

my friend used to DJ at a rock bar frequented by underage kids
he was like "If I get any more requests for Evanescence I'm going to glass someone"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:55, Reply)

It's worse when you are a Scottish ceilidh band
and someone comes up and says ''Do you play any M People?"

Fucking retards. Since when have you seen Heather Small playing the accordion or the fiddle?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:55, Reply)

I love that 'search for a hero' song by them.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Yeah, so do I
But it's not really suitable for a Strip the WIllow
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:59, Reply)

I'm listening to it now, it's got a good sax solo, there aren't enough sax solos in my life at the moment.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

but plenty of solo sex right?
RIGHT?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Wank joke of the month right here.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:40, Reply)

I'll be honest with you chompy, it doesn't rate that high.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

You just don't get it.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

I'M WASTED ON YOU PEOPLE.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Chill, that one was better.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Heather Small can play my fiddle
eh lads?
( broadsword, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Apparently
she has breasts too.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:02, Reply)

mmmmmmmmmmmm breasts

( broadsword, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Too right - I love women who look like retarded horses
and sound like a broken foghorn.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:04, Reply)

*fwaps*

( broadsword, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I got spotify on my mobile, can get most songs on that.
That's all you need these days, innit? A laptop and Winamp.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I am not rising to this obvious baiting.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:15, Reply)

=(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:16, Reply)

You got Slam Dunk da Funk?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

I've got 'no motivation to carry on living' if that's any good?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:01, Reply)

go2.wordpress.com/?id=725X1342&site=pleatedjeans.wordpress.com&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpleatedjeans.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F05%2Frock-and-roll-devil-music.jpg&sref=http%3A%2F%2Fpleated-jeans.com%2F2010%2F05%2F20%2F15-awful-examples-of-christian-propagand%2F
(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:16, Reply)

*gets tattoo*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:17, Reply)

At least you stepped outside your front door
which is more than I did over the weekend.

Shit.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:12, Reply)

I DJ the work's summer bbq every year
In the lead up, I always send an email 'round the company asking for requests in advance. I DJ using my laptop and a USB console, so take most of my music with me (I have a lot, but doubt I'd get much use out of my Industrial/Hardcore/Noise at the bbq), and if I get the requests ahead of time I can 'acquire' some MP3s of what they want.

Without fail, this fat cunt of a manager (from our sister company) always rocks up to the table I'm DJing from and demands some obscure 70s rock. When i say that I don't have the particular song, he always says "You're a DJ, you're supposed to have everything". Without fail, this makes me want to stab him.

Joke's on him though, he was made redundant a few months back. The fat, sleazy, drunken cuntbeak. Oh, he also swung for me a couple of years ago too, while hammered. I would have taken offense, but he was 10ft away when he tried to punch me, so was pretty much doomed from the start.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:14, Reply)

It occurs to me
that perhaps trying to be a ‘public entertainer’ when I loathe and despise the general public might not be the most sensible choice for me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:37, Reply)

It's one reason I don't do DJing as a sideline
I've done a mate's wedding, some birthdays for friends etc as favours, but I could not tolerate doing that kind of thing for the public. I have very little patience for people I don't know or like.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:39, Reply)

The way you're carrying on
You ought to take some Bullet for my Valentine to play.
( Kroney, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:19, Reply)

my mum says you are what you eat
so I suggest you eat an accountant, or any other professional whose career path you may be interested in taking instead of the DJing
(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:45, Reply)

What sort of music do you play?

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

Unpopular music obviously.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:56, Reply)

The best kind, then.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 11:57, Reply)

I know what you'd play

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:16, Reply)

He puts the Jivebunny Megamix CD on repeat
it's what all the best DJs do
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Come on ev'rybody, cuh cuh come on ev'rybody!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Doo-bi-dee Doop-Doop Doop (and the rest of Glenn Millers "In the Mood")
followed by "Lets twist again" followed by shame and self disgust at remembering such things
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:13, Reply)

I don't know why I expected a serious answer
*frisbees laptop out the window*
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:17, Reply)

Think of a good song, like Louie Louie or something
Well Monty plays shit versions of good stuff, by bands he found in a cupboard.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:18, Reply)

Monty must be busy, he's usually up for a conversation about music.
Or he hates you
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

He hates us all
That's why he comes here - for the hate.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:23, Reply)

But where's the love?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:26, Reply)

In this couple's house
www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhhGnXxgGII
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:32, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:37, Reply)

Ere Monty, you still about?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:16, Reply)

He's probably busy reading my new thread I just posted.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 9 Aug 2010, 12:24, Reply)