I'm starting a new thread
and I'm not sorry.

I'm turning down the company paid for dinner and drinks bash simply because it's at a Jamie Oliver restaurant and that FAT TONGUED MOCKNEY can get tae fuck if he thinks I'm eating at his place. What excuse should I give to say I can't make it so I still appear normal and not a bitter, spiteful hate-filled man?
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 9:58, 61 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

got the shits
always a winner
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:00, Reply)

like it
Conference call at 10 deej?
Can't. Got the shits.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:07, Reply)

pretty sure you nailed it with your initial comment pal!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:00, Reply)

fat tongued mockney
was the first web meme I ever saw. Had me in tears.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:04, Reply)

my mate runs his Cardiff restaraunt and maintains
he is a good bloke. I fucking doubt it! plus that TV show he did, JAMIE COOKS FOR POOR AMERICANS AND IMMIGRANTS made me want to vomit blood!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:10, Reply)

t
test
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 10:21, Reply)

and just to catch up
I'm a former AI researcher (and doctor ;) now software developer for a financial services company.

Most Americans I've met have been lovely people. But those were actual Americans, not meat puppet accounts.

I play football. All the time, absolutely love it. Such an adrenaline rush taking the ball past someone, striking a sweet shot, making a decisive pass etc.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I can't play sport to save my life.
In fact I'd probably inadvertedly end it while attempting to play sport if I actually tried!
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:05, Reply)

what did your research into Al find out?
that he was a faux-geordie with a penchant for same sex buggery?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:07, Reply)

That took me 3 years to find out!
Also, he doesn't like it when you say Motorhead sucks.

Motorhead sucks.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:11, Reply)

So does your girlfriend.
on my massive cock.

Every weekend you're not there.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:23, Reply)

your left hand
with a bobbed haircut drawn on it is not actually my girlfriend.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:30, Reply)

oh
that means I don't have a girlfriend either.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:32, Reply)

But her and my wife get along so well

(Bazongaloid, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I trip when walking
it would just be silly to get a ball involved.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I'll go in your place, I love a bit of Jamie.
He's wicked.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:07, Reply)

his method for roast belly pork with good crackling didn't let me down

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Dead to me Gonz :'(

( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:08, Reply)

He's alright really, normal essex boy who's done well for himself.
In fact, I got more respect for him, and envy, than any other chef. His food ain't my fave, it's in the top 5, but it ain't got that #1 spot.

Reason's Why I'm Jellous of Jamie Oliver SLASH like him :-
- His wife is quite swell, and has some lovely kids.
- He knows his food, and gets to do travels with his food.
- He has a few quid in his pocket.
- He could probably get as much Gran and Mum pootang than he can handle, if he was so inclined.
- Nice personailty, seems to get one with everyone he meets.
- His stance on cantinee dinners, such as school, is fantastic.
- He tries to help people where he can, and puts an effort in.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

OH GOD I GOT A MANCRUSH

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:19, Reply)

bumder

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:19, Reply)

Totally, have you seen his tounge? That's the sort of thing that'll tickle your colon and tell you what you had for lunch last night at the same time.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:47, Reply)

He's not going to be cooking your food you know?
I would go in a second.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:08, Reply)

You're right
And I know I shouldn't care. But it's the principal of it. I'm taking a stand.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Why stand when you can sit eating.
If you really want to make a stand go there and keep sending your food back after you've eated 3/4 of it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:22, Reply)

this is quite tempting
You should write up your life long tips on how to be a bastard.
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:25, Reply)

:( I'm not a bastard.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I feel quite bad now for suggesting you were
You devious bastard!
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

eated? aww cute

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:30, Reply)

You could tell your boss
that Oliver's constant lisping is at a frequency which, if you're exposed to for long enough, will slowly cause your ears to retract defensively in to your skull, which will in turn eventually make your head implode and cause a black hole to form, thus ending the lovely dinner on a bit of a downer. Oh, and causing all life as we know it to be destroyed, of course.
I actually quite like Jamie Oliver...
(berk, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:09, Reply)

"The conditions of my release stipulate that I cannot be within 500 metres of Jamie Oliver"

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I've just realised
there is a "throw yourself down the stairs" pregnancy joke to be made in your previous thread but the moment has past.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:14, Reply)

You've let me down...

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

but most of all, I let myself down.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Winner!
How's the rewiring of the animatronics going?
( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I've run out of solder, and the obedience chip has gone kaput.
It's a disaster, I'm having to do things for her...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I don't like looking at him or listening to him speak
but I think his school dinners thing was quite admirable. I don't think I would turn down a free meal, even if Marco Pierre Douchebag White had made it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I quite like him he seems mental!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:15, Reply)

He is the only person I can think of
who I feel should be knighted. Despite his being a cock.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Don't be a fool, man.
The food's lovely. It's not like you have to go on holiday with the twat or anything.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I agree, it won't even be him cooking it. I don't think.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Definitely not.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:20, Reply)

You've got to bail out the missus again?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Yeah sorry boss, hubcaps again. She fucking loves the hubcaps.

( djtrialprice, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I do actually.
I have a lovely Morris Minor one.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 11:43, Reply)

I'm not convinced Jamie Oliver is the reason you don't want to go.
Just tell your colleagues that they're all cunts and you refuse to spend anymore time with them than you have to.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Or when asked if you want to go just say "No thank you."

(Cave Duck, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:29, Reply)

We'll have no sensible comments here thankyouverymuch

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:33, Reply)

tell them you're (made up religion) and that you have to fast in that particular postcode

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:31, Reply)

and THEN call them cunts

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:35, Reply)

and then put on an obviously home made hat.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I went to one of his restaurants the other week
it was very good. I did make sure to wait until well after its opening night, as in weeks, so as to make absolutely certain that his fat tongue hadn't dribbled onto any of the food.
( Kroney, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:44, Reply)

haha that made me choke on my juice

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

The idea of him
actually physically cooking anything for me with his fat, bloated mouth spitting and dribbling all down his chin and shirt makes me feel really quite unwell. Luckily for me, I don't think I'm in any immediate danger.
( Kroney, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Tell them you're 'too gay to live'
then blow yourself up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:45, Reply)

up
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:47, Reply)

I thought gayness was cyclical

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Is this about Al's bike?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:54, Reply)

You should go
I went to the one in Oxford and had the best Caesar salad I've ever had.

Or alternatively you could play the dead gran card. Something like 'she died three days ago, and with Jamie Oliver's emphasis on no-waste I'm afraid she could be on the menu'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Don't go
Apparently the Jamie's Italian that's just opened here is 'average'.

Oh, but then you'll miss out on a night out. Just go and eat crisps under the table.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 11:38, Reply)