Good morning, you insufferable wanker.
I don't like sweets.

I did manage to hack an enormous bloody swathe through the index finger on my right hand, drunkenly chopping parsley yesterday evening, though.

In other news I managed to resist my ex's attempts to lure me round hers for sex (with the promise of massive drugs) on Saturday night. This was alarmingly difficult to resist. She's looking very attractive at the moment.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 8:45, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well done Monty, the only person on the internet to refuse real sex when offered.
Think of all those less fortunate than yourself.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Monty, Monty, Monty...
Hers is a strong pronoun and doesn't require an apostrophe.

*tuts*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 8:52, Reply)

Good Lord, the shame....
Edited, thank you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 8:56, Reply)

I thought I'd better save you from further embarrassment

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I owe you an internet pint.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:33, Reply)

parsley Marching Powder
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 23 Aug 2010, 8:57, Reply)

That was earlier in the day.
I had a 'bit of a lie down' about 4pm and got up ravenous at seven, downed a couple of glasses of Primitivo and got cheffing. There was blood everywhere, walls, floor...in the food....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:01, Reply)

mmm, primitivo

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:25, Reply)

My morning brain isn't working
At first I wasn't sure what "primitive Vimto" was.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:28, Reply)

vimto is grim
I suspect that is why northerners drink it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:32, Reply)

It reminds them of home.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:33, Reply)

that was my thought

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Vimto is awesome

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:33, Reply)

esome ful
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:41, Reply)

ful some
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 10:05, Reply)

We have some cans of the stuff in our vending machine
It's a whole 5 pence more expensive than the other cans. This does not make it better.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

they've got to make their money somehow
and it's not going to be through large volumes of sales.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Pro tip,
chop parsley in a mug with scissors.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I wish someone had advised me to do this yesterday.
I was doing the 'roll it into a sausage shape' technique but got a bit too 'flamboyant' with my knife strokes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Well done Monty
but doesn't this mean she's up to something?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Pro tip,
women get horny too.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I've read about that too

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Is this not all just lies on the internet?
You need proof, dammit.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Well I've seen it in 'documentaries' too
My mate found his dad's grotty VHS collection when we were 10.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:30, Reply)

VHS
Old skool.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

We even found some porn slides
The kind you need a projector for, not the kind you shoot down.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:38, Reply)

PC LoL.
Shooting down a porn slide. Oh, the mental images.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Is it possible to get porn in a format compatible with
one of John Logie Baird's mechanical televisions?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I've learnt my lesson.
Pleasant as a night of sex and drugs with her would have been, the fallout makes it not at all worth it.

The Monty of 5 years ago would have been round there like a shot.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Very proud, well done!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:23, Reply)

I believe a croissant is in order.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:34, Reply)

oh definitely
two in fact.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:35, Reply)

or even three, it's quite a feat.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:40, Reply)

All day yesterday
I was alternating between kicking myself and patting myself on the back.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Did you try combining the two
And attempt to kick yourself on the back?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Well held, sir, well held.
Your refusal of massive sex and even more massive drugs, that is. On the other hand*, you're not doing anything for this dreadful misconception that us lefties suffer from poor coordination. Hope the finger's alright, I'm sure the servant boy can clean up the blood from the kitchen.

*_{no pun intended}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:40, Reply)

The serving boy's too busy
Cleaning up the puddles of splooge from his many frustrated wank sessions over the weekend.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:45, Reply)

It's just as well he laminated those hymn sheets...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 9:57, Reply)

And the copies of the lord's prayer.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 23 Aug 2010, 11:02, Reply)