Don't know if this happened while you were away or just after you got back
Either way, it was last Sunday - Mama Crow has just reported the following by email.

Mama and Papa Crow live next door to a church. The Crow family unit would be best described as "atheist," but we try to live and let live and let the god-botherers waste their Sunday mornings next door.

Unfortunately, said bible-bashers have a habit of parking their myriad cars (or, increasingly, unnecessary 4x4s) outside my folks' house. Not a problem, until they start parking in front of the driveway, which they have a habit of doing without a moment's thought - they have obviously decided that my folks will be in the same church at the same time as them, and will therefore not need to get the car in or out of the drive. Or just because they're inconsiderate cock-munchers.

On this particular Sunday morning, Mama Crow had to pop out to fetch some groceries, and returned to find that one such inconsiderate knobjockey had parked just over the side of the driveway. Just enough that when Mama Crow tried to squeeze her car around his, she realised there was not enough space, clipped the car on the wall and dented the door, at which point she had to give up, park the car at the other end of the road and carry a bootful of groceries to the house from there.

The generally more short-tempered Papa Crow was distinctly less than impressed by this turn of events. When he saw the owner of the obstruction, he stormed out of the house and demanded to know why the selfish arse couldn't park further up the road, i.e., not obstructing anybody else's driveway, and walk the remaining distance to the church. Mama Crow reports a lot of shouting. Apparently after pointing out that his wife has had to park at the other end of the road and carry the groceries back to the house from there, and that one of them will later have to go and retrieve the car from the other end of the road once these selfish gits have cleared enough space to allow access to the driveway, Papa Crow was met with the rebuttal of
"Well, at least I go to church."

At least I go to church. Jesus tittyfucking donkey-bumming christ, I shall remain eternally surprised that my father did not thump him. What kind of smug, patronising, sanctimonious, holier-than-fucking-thou logic is that? "I'm a good, godly little soul who goes to church on a Sunday and therefore it is right and proper that I should be an inconvenience to nasty sinners like yourselves"? How does going to church every week give you a divine right to behave like a selfish, inconsiderate baby-wipe-the-day-after-a-Tayyab's-curry? Is there a passage, buried somewhere in the depths of the bible, which says that all the good little believers must spread the word of the lord by seeking out the unbelievers, yea, and being unto them a nuisance? And then being as skin-crawlingly sanctimonious as possible when confronted about it?

I'm tempted to ask my mother whether this pious little shit-frotter was driving a Honda Accord, but I don't think she'd understand the reference.

/end rant
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:54, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

oh gosh.
Jesus I would have thumped him! what a wanker.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:55, Reply)

It doesn't
I'd have punched him.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

I bet hey've got a cat

(The Cat Hater punch a cow for the planet, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:58, Reply)

what a complete fucking cock
I would have said "so you are a thick cunt who can't think for himself as well as an inconsiderate wanker?"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

That would have set off my rage.
You could suggest they speak to the priest as he could mention it at the next service. Those feckers will listen to the priest.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 11:59, Reply)

Unfortunately,
the vicar is just as much of a cock.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:06, Reply)

I would have shit a perfect Star of David on the bonnet of their car

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

And this is why I love you.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Wow, love?
*smugs*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

^this
Oh, so very much this
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:07, Reply)

I'd have said
Well the bible says respect thy neighbour.

Then watched as he tried to say I wasn't his actual neighbour then I would have cunted him in the fuck
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:00, Reply)

oh dear
that man sounds like a grade a tool
(Halfy By light alone, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

My great grandma warned me about those types.
She went to church and so did I until I was about 11, but she said "Never hang around after church for a chat. These people think they are holy just because they've been to church, but they come out right after mass and stand around criticising and gossiping. They're not good people."
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Great grandparents
Good source of wisdom.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:04, Reply)

Totally

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:10, Reply)

Excellent anger here. 10/10.
You should be at your parents this Sunday, dress up as a C of E traffic warden & yell you'll be sending them all to hell for inconsiderate behaviour.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Why didn't you key the fuck out of said car.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:02, Reply)

I approve of this rant.
What a self-righteous cunt.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Self-righteous! That's the word I was looking for.
(I was so angry while writing that I think it temporarily stunted my vocabulary...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

I've been tempted in the past
when someone does something like that, to remove all the studs from their wheels, and place them on the roof or bonnet of the car.

If they don't understand what these things are lying on their car, and simply remove them and drive off, the consequences would be somewhat humorous.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:12, Reply)

Next Sunday, get your Dad to follow the cunt home
Then, next time he goes out, put a large wheelie bin in front of his driveway, with the reference "Luke 6:31" sprayed onto the side.

Alternatively, kill him.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I had to Google the reference
but I like it!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:21, Reply)

That would make me go balistic.
Has anyone noticed how clean cars parked outside churches are? This makes me wonder if all the drivers suffer from the sin of pride.

Every time I drive past a church engulfed in said clean cars, if I'm not alone, I say, "The lord, he liketh a shiny car." This annoys my partner no end.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:29, Reply)

It's because they wash their cars on Saturdays
Sunday being a day of rest.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:32, Reply)

I thought saturday was B & Q day.
I'm confused now.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:34, Reply)

The Bible is full of nasty stuff too, especially the Old Testament.
Have a look at Judges 19 for example. It involves a group of men who want to rape a man, who offers his virgin daughter and concubine to them instead. Eventually he lets them have the concubine, whom they gang rape all night, and leave her for dead on the man's doorstep. He cuts her body into pieces later.

And this is supposed to be a text of moral guidance?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:31, Reply)

Its certainly a handbook on negotiating skills
by the sound of it.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 24 Aug 2010, 12:33, Reply)

You forgot an important thing here.
CHURCH IS FOR SINNERS! (Best Ian Paisley voice)
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 24 Aug 2010, 17:06, Reply)