The Townshend Defence, that's called.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:39, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

my first task as a trainee
was to sift through some stuff recovered from a laptop to see if the guy had been using work computers in a bad enough way to breach their IT policy. i had to identify whether gay porn was soft or hardcore.

i had no idea. i learned a lot that day.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I had to look through a client's emails on fitlads.net
which is EXTREMELY NSFW, it's a gay scally dating website and all the guys have their cocks out in their profile pictures and the emails that the client had received and sent were quite distasteful shall we say!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

niiiiiiiiiiiice
it's like grinder, my friend was showing me that. the pics are quite... revealing. but also flattering!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

yeah I thought that too!
Some of those scally lads had rather lovely physiques, but then I felt a bit sick when the full photo showed burberry and sovereigns.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

haha
i assumed "burberry and sovereigns" was a "meat and 2 veg" style euphemism then.

it should be!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:53, Reply)

hahaha ewww
just ewwww
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

it's funny though
i will be using it for chavcock
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Really?
If you just booted up their laptop and browsed through it, then your evidence would have been arguably inadmissible in court.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:45, Reply)

this was his work desktop
looking at over a sandwich at lunchtime stuff! they wanted him out, and we were being asked to advise on whether what he had been looking at constituted sufficient breach of the internet user policy to achieve this. as the trainee, i was only really brought in for experience i think, i certainly wasn't advising! but goodness it was educational
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

was educational made me gush like a broken fire hydrant.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

she did say recovered
which could easily imply they took a copy of it and then examined the copy.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Indeed
I was just checkin' is all. I get twitchy when watching CSI and the like, when they just boot up a suspect's pc and start trawling through.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

they might have done
the extent of my knowledge was a paper file with prints of the websites in question on it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Who?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:40, Reply)

haha
very quick
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:41, Reply)

That deaf dumb and blind kid
sure is fucking shit at accountancy
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:42, Reply)

not as shit as i would be
i still have to use a calculator to add up stuff in an excel spreadsheet, despite a 3 hour excel training afternoon the other day.

but i am now singing that song in my head, thank you colonel.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:44, Reply)

thhhh-orry, my bad
I have adopted a 17 year old cat* called Lucy, and by adopted my mother said "either you take her or she gets the needle". Damn passive-aggressive reasoning.


*insert teen pussy joke here
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:47, Reply)

My bad? Uurrgh.
I'm sorry but I'm going to have to send people round to hang you up by your toenails and pour golden syrup into your nostrils.
(Cave Duck, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Then who's going to look after Lucy?
Huh?

Doctor Death and his Needle of Doom, that's who!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:51, Reply)

stop making me laugh
please?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:52, Reply)

When I got together with my partner we had four cats and two rabbits between us.
Whilst my partner was fine taking them to the vets for injections, when "the time" came and it looked like the end I had take them.
After the first two had gone, the sight of me getting the pet carrier out of the garage was enough to make the others jump up and attempt to be look as sprightly as possible.
(Cave Duck, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Animal know don't they
11 years ago I had to put my beloved childhood cat down. She hadn't moved for days and I asked the vet to come to the house to put her down. He walked through the door and my cat ran for it down the garden path. She lived another week.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:14, Reply)

are you trying to make me cry??
argh!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:16, Reply)

omg
isn't charlie going to be jealous?

17? do cats live that long? don't they stop being fun and get all stiff and scratchy after the age of about 9??

and more importantly, what colour is she?

questions questions! oh and for the record, i never want anything to do with "inserting" and "teen pussy", thank you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

She's a very sweet tabby
but yes, 17! Mum had warned me that she might be 12 or 13, but we found some records that stated she was 6 weeks old in June 1993.

We tried to get her into a cat shelter but they are full to bursting.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

where did she come from
into your life?

you need to keep me updated with charlie's reaction to you booting her into the garden and sharing your house with an older woman.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Loooooong story
Friend of the family runs a cattery and has gone into hospital (and probably wont come out again), Lucy has been in the cattery for over a year because her elderly owner is senile. Cattery has shut, all cats have gone home.

Long story short; she doesn't belong to anybody and nobody wants her.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:02, Reply)

awww poor lucy
but the moral of that story does seem to be that this cat is not good for her owners' health. be careful, you!

i can sympathise with the last sentence. i know exactly how she feels, old and rejected and with her fur falling out...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:06, Reply)

I was thinking "Third owner lucky"
*trips over cat Jacques Clouseau style and falls out window*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:17, Reply)

make sure you
keep her on the ground floor. then you'll only fall into the chicken run!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:20, Reply)

That's another problem...Charlie
Hopefully Lucy will stay an inside-cat, and i'll have to do my best to stop Charlie from darting into my kitchen.

When did it all get so bloody complicated?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:25, Reply)

this is what happens
when you take on a harem of females
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:41, Reply)

I think that's enough animals now
A mad chicken and a geriatric cat. What next, a retarded goat?

(i'll gaz you a photo of Lucy tomorrow)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:45, Reply)

yes yes
please do!!

also you should go for the goat. you'd never run out of /qotw stories then, just ask chickenlady.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:47, Reply)

17?
christ. That's one leathery pussy.
( Kroney, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:50, Reply)

His book seems to be taking a long time.

(Cave Duck, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:43, Reply)

It's hard to write a book in nonce-wing
the daily shower beatings sap the creative juices
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:48, Reply)

I'd say there's a probably an abundance of creative juices in prison showers

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 14:55, Reply)

ewww

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:03, Reply)

sorry, I didn't think that was particularly crude

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 15:04, Reply)