Hello my little micro-penoid cretins and cretinettes.
In my position of RENEGADE, challenging conventions and generally BEING A DAMN GOOD COP who doesn't play by the rules but GETS RESULTS, DAMMIT, I have NO PLANS for this weekend.

None. So if you want my badge and gun back then you can have them - I'm getting too old for this shit.

How are you doing things by the book in the hope of a promotion (but are you corrupt? Could this thing go all the way to City Hall?) this weekend? How are you kissing the captain's ass?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 8:55, 46 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

This weekend I am playing the rugby at Grantham
And maybe going to Derby for fun and frolics
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

Sorry mate
But as a proud Nottinghamian I am bound to inform you that the only fun and frolics to be had in Derby are of the sheep-bothering variety
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

I was out in Nottingham last Saturday
Goose fair is rubbish, it made me poorly, well that and not eating all day after playing the rugby.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Wasn't the night before the Goose Fair traditionally known as rape and rob night, but now isn't?
And, in the event of the foregoing statement being correct, isn't this yet another example of political correctness GONE MAD?
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I fucked up whilst trying to kiss ass
I did loads of improvements to a computer suite in the hope of getting many brownie points only to be bollocked for not getting permission. This is from the same guy that this time last year said "Be more proactive, do things independently"
( Peej, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

My own employer is identical.
Everything has to be run by him, and he feels he has to fundamentally change each thing at least once to maintain control - to the point where you just make the cunt make all decisions to save wasted time...only to be whinged at because 'do I have to do everything?'

Fucking imbecile.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Punch him in the cunt

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

What do you actually do for a living, Monty?
I've never known, and I have a feeling it might be something much less rock'n'roll than I expect. As far as I know "grammar pedant" doesn't pay well, unless you get on Dictionary corner on Countdown
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

I run an online and catalogue retail operation.
It's about as rock'n'roll as a weekend barge trip on the Norfolk Broads with John Major.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Selling what in particular?
Swan Pot Noodle?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:10, Reply)

It's kind of like Pikea but at five times the price.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:12, Reply)

John Major is a thoroughly nice chap
Based on my fleeting encounter with him at Trent Bridge cricket ground when I was 16. And boating on the Norfolk Broads is lovely.

Although I will admit neither is remotely rock'n'roll. Who do you work for? I might order all my Christmas gifts from you, assuming you'll do me a colossal discount.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:12, Reply)

You manage to make meeting John Major
sound like a cottaging yarn.

And I'm not fucking telling you who I work for - I'm not wholly deranged, you know.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

a colossal discount
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

hehe
coffeelol
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

He spends his life driven by an unknown force to change history for the better.
His only guide on this journey is Al (thegeordie), an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Monty can see and hear. And so Doctor Boyce finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home…”

“Oh boy…”
( Peej, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:11, Reply)

That show messed with my head
As a youngster I would get anxious imagining what the hell I would do if I somehow suddenly became someone else.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

Say "oh boy"
then piss about talking to a hologram and confusing the locals then just before you leap find out what you had to do all along?
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Al was useless
He'd just doss about chomping a cigar and smacking Ziggy so it would make a funny noise.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:35, Reply)

What is with the name 'Al' and being useless?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

You're mental
This weekend it's Em's birthday, so got her party tomorrow, family thing on Sunday, then 2 days at Alton Towers.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

dun dun dun dundundundun dun dun dun dun dun dun

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

This weekend
I will be installing a bath and doing lots of Ballroom practice

Not at the same time
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

There's a tapdancing joke in there somewhere
But I need coffee first.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Remarkably coincidental
My first cup of the day has just arrived. I'll get to work on that right away
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

This is your best question EVAR!
I like it greatly

I'm simply muddling along at work. I've been stiffed over too many times so I cannot be arsed to do anything more than is absolutely necessary for me to stay employed.

This weekend however, in direct violation of the above rule, I am doing overtime on Saturday, which includes a quick chiropractic visit to fix my aching spine. On Sunday, I will mainly be cooking a big chicken roast dinner with all the trimmings, as per usual. I like sunday cooking

If the DA wants my badge, he can come and get it, the lazy fat fuck
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Glad to be of service.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

*nods*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Tonight I'm visiting a couple of traditional back street boozers with my mate Dave.
To the barber's shop in the morning to have my hair shaved off, ready for the 70s themed party, at which I will be a bovver boy. It's a cheap ccostume and I can punch people and just claim to be "in character".
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I shall be cleaning on Saturday and chauffeuring my nephew around on Sunday for his birthday shennanigans.
At some point I need to get the car cleaned as it's fucking nasty.

I also need to pull my finger out at work because I've been feeling guilty for being a lazy arse.
( girlinthehole, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

Guil...ty?
I've heard of this. I think it's something that happens to other people.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)

*sighs*
at work because I've been feeling guilty for being a lazy of my

I'm lost my strikethrough joie de vivre, somewhat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

This is nothing like the wire

(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)

But tonight I have two choices
either go down to london to see a mates band
or go to Newport Pagnel and watch another mate do poetry.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Come to town, meet me for a pint.
The fact you have a 'poetry mate' makes me very suspicious indeed about you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

You can come watch my mates band if you want
they're good, you'll hate them.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

I can't, I'm afraid.
I think I am getting my turntables back so I need to be home to receive them and to have a celebratory run through the records I've bought in the past three mnonths but haven't heard.

They're undoubtedly good - you'll hate them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:38, Reply)

I never do things by the book, which is why the authorites kick my arse all the time.
This weekend, I'm doing FA on Saturday, and going to an Apple Day fair on Sunday.

Up yours City Hall.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Blimey there are fairs everywhere.
We're currently suffering Hull Fair. The local media tells us every year how it's the largest travelling fair in Europe and has over 700 years of history. I would have thought that 700 years would be long enough to come up with something fun and entertaining rather than the veritable CHAValcade of slack jawed ne'er do wells being ripped of by pikeys. And every year, despite it being October, there's a "Santa" with a lucky dip wearing the scruffiest of suits with white trainers, which, added to is whippet-like build, suggest he's more used to "getting on his toes to escape the filth" than spreading joy and goodwill to all.
(Cave Duck, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Jesus Christ Monty...
...you can't give me your badge. Sure you may not always do things by the book, you are continually inebriated and you kill hookers - but you are still the best damn cop in this town and we need you to track down this sister-fucking sonofabitch by any means necessary.
Now take this badge and get back to work.
Oh, and one other thing, Officer Boyce - be careful, it's a jungle out there.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

I can't do my goddamned job with the DA breathing down my neck
every time I kill a witness.

You get that pencil-pushing prick off my back and I'll do my gaddamned job - OK?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

OK Officer - but do not let me down.
You have 24 hours to find this asshole or god help me you will be behind a desk for the rest of your life like all the other cops who blew their careers.
Let me deal with the Commissioner and the boys from uptown - you go find this sick fuck and do what you do.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

*applause*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I do very little
Oh I get angry a lot as people as morons.

Weekend I am going shopping in Stratford OOH EXCITING
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Ironically I could not respond earlier as I was having my Performance Development Review
wherein my levelheadedness was singled out for praise.

Apparently not having a shitfit or meltdown about our quango being abolished because it's not going to happen for at least a year and we're just going to be put in a different one anyway counts as impressively phlegmatic around these parts.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:52, Reply)