this "it must be your fault somehow" reminds me of my grandmother's funeral earlier in the year (bear with me!)
my brother and i dithered around for ages about going in to see the open casket - we really didn't want to, but it seemed disrespectful not to, blah blah. in the end we went, and in the chapel we found my uncle and a strange woman standing on the other side of the coffin. my brother and i approached and murmured hello to my uncle.

the strange woman then fixed her eyes on me across the body and said, "oh, you're rswipe. you played with my daughter at your uncle's wedding 25 years ago." riiiiiiiiiiiiiight, ok. THEN she said:

"and now you're a fancy solicitor down in london and she's a heroin addict in liverpool prison."

it was possibly the most surreal moment of my life.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:39, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

what a fucking weirdo

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

there are very very very few times in my life when i am speechless
this was one of those times!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:47, Reply)

How dare you make something of your life!

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:43, Reply)

well to be fair
some would say i haven't!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Well, none of us are working on a cure for cancer and bringing about world peace.
Apart from berk, who IS working on a cure for cancer. But what has she done about world peace? NOTHING. Selfish biatch.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:51, Reply)

and rakky
she has a tremendously important job.

meanwhile i am stopping a shop from selling "wank tissues" and "penis measurers" (i actually did have to ask the client the difference between that and an ordinary ruler. he didn't know)

hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Oddly enough I have 2 novelty penis measuring rulers in my office
A "wacky" client gave them to me. i'll use them to light the fire.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:05, Reply)

hang on
your client gave you penis measuring rulers?

that is a very random gift. which of his assets were you assessing for him, exactly??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:08, Reply)

He was going to sell novelty crap on the internet
another genius who had a Eureka moment of "Stupid idea + Internet = MASSIVE PROFITS"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

jesus
that is quite lame.

what i can't get over is why he thought you needed TWO. is he implying that you needed to put them end-to-end to do your measuring or something??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I am currently doing a lot for world peace
by not coming down south and kicking your cheeky arse, thank you!
(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:10, Reply)

Whoops!
BUSTED.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Hehehe

(berk, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:17, Reply)

That's what I go to school for.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

I can't believe you played dealer and skag head with that ladies daughter.
You should be ashamed.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:43, Reply)

That's insane.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:44, Reply)

This woman clearly believes in some sort of universal pleasure-pain balance theory
vis-a-vis, "You did so well for yourself so my daughter had to go and completely ruin her life to restore karmic balance. You BITCH."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:46, Reply)

well it's the natural order of things, innit?

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Does make me wonder what "game" swipey and the other girl played 25 years prior to this
that would inextricably link their fates in this manner.

How much did the poor girl get for her soul, rachel? How much?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:50, Reply)

she was from halifax
£1.50
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:52, Reply)

That was a lot of money in those days.
Probably enough for her to score her first Massive Bag of Heroin and start her on the road to self-destrcuction. How could you?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

i was 7
she was 9. not my fault.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:54, Reply)

and a sweetie from your pocket that was all linty I bet.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Not only was it linty
It was one of those blue tablet-shaped ones from the box of Liquorice Allsorts that taste of aniseed and nobody likes.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:03, Reply)

i assumed you were talking about viagra until i got to "liquorice allsorts"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

are you going to the manc bash mister crow?
if you're not going to my bash at least go to the manc one!
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:09, Reply)

I'm afraid not.
Sorry. I will come to a bash at some point, I promise.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Like you, then? (if you tasted of aniseed)

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

And lived in a box of Liquorice Allsorts, yes.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I reckon the game was called,
"Petty criminal who steals to fund debilitating drug addiction and legal representative"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:57, Reply)

absolutely right
but i think we called it "tag"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:59, Reply)

That's well odd

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:47, Reply)