People are so thick!
I'm a doctor. The other day someone came into ER coughing up blood and in terrible pain. It was obviously a case of serious internal haemorrhaging.

ME: "Have you had any cardio-vascular difficulties or angioplasty recently?"

PATIENT: Urrrg, I don't ... arrrg, understand."

ME: "Look, I'm being quite clear. Have you had any anginal or aortal procedures?"

PATIENT: I'm ... arrrgg ... going .... to die!"

ME: Just tell me about any cardiac infarctions you may have had.

PATIENT: I ... don't ... urrrrrrrrrrrg."

And then he died. If only he had done just what I told him to do, it all could have been avoided. People are just so thick, aren't they?
(frankspencer, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 10:12, Reply)

goldies
these poor oldies had probably had it explained poorly to them by some useless IT wanker like all you complaintsmiths
(scumbum, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 8:29, Reply)

One thing that fucks me off
as an IT bloke is when you give and oldie instructions and the following happens;

Me - "Right, can you click on the My Computer symbol please on the desktop?"
Oldie - "Ok, done that."
Me - "Now you should see an option on the left saying Control Panel. Click onto this please."
Oldie - "Right, done that."
Me - "Now how many options have you got there please? Do you have 9 catergories, or about 30 odd items?"
Oldie - "Errrr...."
Me - "You should have in front of you either 9 large catergories or a load of small options....you are in the control panel are you?"
Oldie - "I've got My Documents....Internet Explorer?"

Me - "THEN WHY TELL ME YOU'VE FUCKING DONE WHAT I'VE ASKED YOU THICK OLD TWAT!?!?!?!?!!???"

Well, that's what I'd like to reply ahem.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 8:24, Reply)

I setup a computer for my uncle...
..and received the most formal thank you e-mail ever. It had his home address in the top-right corner, and my home address below it. It even had "Dear Jeccy" at the top and "Yours faithfully" at the bottom too. It looked like he'd typed it in MS Word. I replied with two words, which were basically "Errrrr, thanks."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 7:44, Reply)

The restart button
My workmate (a very nice chap, but pretty computer illiterate) was having problems with his computer. As usual it was me he called out to to help him, and - as usual - I called out to him "Have you restarted?"

"Yes" he replied, "Nothing happened"

As I walked over there to help he said "It did start up awfully fast"

Yep, he'd turned just the screen off, and back on again.
(winestain, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 6:18, Reply)

being 65, I'm a bit of a duffer with computers

I keep accidentally using the feature that sends your emails back in time.

Bugger.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 3:58, Reply)

explaining email to old people

Couldn't you just say it's like the telegraph?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 3:56, Reply)

My dear old gran
When trying to explain to my dear old gran what email was, I used our Canadian relatives as an example. I explained that we could type them "a letter" and it would arrive instantly on their computer in Canada. Her Response?

"That's wonderfull! We can post the christmas presents that way too!"
(starskythehutch, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 1:17, Reply)

well
my best friend's mom is computer savvy, i am, and she is. a few years back, before she knew that much about computers, i was the designated techmonkey. her mom gave her an old laptop. now my best friend had been using this laptop for a while, and had accidentally downloaded a few viruses. it was running slow and freezing up a lot, so i asked her to let me see the thing. she handed it over and i installed and ran a spyware/virus scanner. 1,095 viruses, and 638 pieces of spyware.
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 0:04, Reply)

How to load up an MP3 player
My dad got an MP3 player. To load it up with songs he plugged it into the PC's USB socket... then put it in (voice) record mode while playing an audio CD in Windows Media Player.
(ngolian, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 23:23, Reply)

Baby boomers have no respect for sensitive data
Me: Mum it looks like your computer is fucked and needs some new parts.

Mum: I still need the data off it.

Me: ok let's transfer it onto one of a variety of storage devices in the mean time.

Mum: No darling I would rather send my computer, which is full of higly sensitive information, off to a random fat middle aged computer repair guy.

No shit! she had like higly sensitive information about people on witness protection programs, tax file numbers, criminal records etc. If the government got wind of how many of their middle aged female workers were leaking info because of IT phobia, they would flip.

On the other hand good if you ever need to track someone down.
(rattus, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 22:52, Reply)

Tales from the HelpDesk...
Like a lot of people on here, I've done my stint in IT support.

My all-time favourite act of computer-related stupidity came from a lady who called the company helpdesk one morning last year.

Have a (VERY rough) transcript...

Sylia: Good monring! You're through to your friendly local techmonkey. What manner of jackassery must we put up with today?

Stupid Bint: Hi. I am highly incompetent, & cannot switch on my PC, which I need to play solitaire all day so my boss thinks I actually do some work around here...

Sylia: Righto! We'll soon have you back to full slacking capacity! First off, could you please check the computer is plugged in for me?

The Dumb One: Do you think I'm some sort of idiot?! Of course it's plugged in!

Sylia: And it still won't power up?

Molecule Mind: Nope. I just don't understand it. It was working just fine when I was emailing my friend with all the latest gossip about Victoria Beckham's pet chihuaha's new Gucci merkin last night.

Sylia: I see. That does indeed sound like you have some serious computer trouble there. But before I call Bill Gates over here to fix this in person, could you be a dear & check the power is switched ON at the wallsocket please?

Queen Fucktard: ... ... ... Oh... Bollocks.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Oldies are the best
Im my opinion oldies are not the worst people in the wold with computers, its the middle aged ones you have to look out for.
I do part time computer work for people in my area, and most of the oldies are not that bad. They generally have a list of things they want to ask, know mostly what they're talking about and actually listen when you explain things. A middle aged person paid me £15 an hour to organise her pictures, email several of them as attachements to a friend, and set up an email account for her, amongst other things. She explained what she wanted in a slightly muddled up way and kept forgetting what she wanted me to do.
In my opinion, oldies are the best to work with - if theyre not senile that is - then you have BIG trouble :)
(PixelGirl unlock the mind...unmind the lock, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 21:14, Reply)

More supidity from the guy who believed that typing in "self destruct" blows up an Apple Mac
Using his new PC, and despite him using computers for years, he was under the impression that you could turn a BAT file into a fully working EXE by changing the file extension.
(Dinky Pimp, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 19:02, Reply)

.
your own story.

its what the button said to do
(bacneman, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 18:37, Reply)

Possibly a world record
... for the number of viruses on one computer. God bless the boarding house I used to be in, it did attract some wonderful idiots. One particular idiot brought in a pc from home assuming we would fix it for him for free if he unleashed such a virus-ridden machine on our network (true).

After waiting over 30 minutes for the thing to boot up (I went and grabbed dinner) I gave up and booted up in safe mode, then hit it with a virus scan. 634. I'd have taken a screenshot but that would have meant connecting the pc to something else to transfer files off, not happening, but God's truth, that was the number.

634 tupping viruses thanks to his Kazaa habit. To paraphrase Ricky Gervais a bit, surely you'd notice something was wrong when you had say, 200 viruses and your computer was slower than Steven Hawking in a treacle spill?

Anyway, I formatted the fucker and unplugged his patch cable from the switch. Problem solved.

/penis joke
(ZoFreX is cleaner than smoked trout, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:17, Reply)

Ooh, I've just remembered another one.
When I worked in London, a customer I dealt with was being investigated for some (alleged) shady deals. One of his colleagues told me that there were some documents on his computer which he needed to dispose of... he'd been suspended, so one evening he apparently went into the office, and got rid of the offending files.

How?

By printing them out and putting the hard copies into the shredder.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Porn?
Many moons ago, when my mum was still a bit wary of the computer and all this new fangled internet stuff (around 2000), she finally succumbed to the pleas of her daughters and husband and agreed to get the internet.

What's the first thing she does?

She types the word porn into a search engine.

Her excuse? 'I just couldn't believe that there could be as much porn as they say there is'

I think she was a bit shocked. Still, she never said how many of those sites she visited...
(birdwoman pissed herself at least once on, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:13, Reply)

You've all heard about the problems with computers we're having in the NHS...
Well one of the guys in another department here is a little doddery, to put it kindly.

He phoned the helpdesk a while back because he couldn't get something to work. Not unusual, we're always encountering problems of one kind or another.

Much headscratching later, everyone's very confused because he's the only one having a problem with this particular system.

Until someone spotted that he was spelling his surname wrong when he entered his user name...

EDIT: Just re-read this - "a bit doddery" isn't really putting it that kindly, is it? =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:06, Reply)

Work related incidents
The ops manager where I used to work called me into the sales office because the monitor on one of the computers didn't work. So I plugged it in. Unrelatedly, I later walked into his office and up to his desk where I found he was looking flustered and clicking away furiously. He was only looking at clothed pics of Emmanuelle Beart, nothing to get upset about. Although his parents owned the company so he probably thought I'd tell em, as if. His dad was a prick, though.

Fucking idiot who I worked with in the same company once spent a day trying to fix the server (we had no IT dept), when I managed to sort the same problem out within minutes last time the server went kaput (ie. the hard drives ran out of space). But did the proud cunt accept my offer of help? Did he fuck. Eventually I took a ganders and found out that he'd managed to turn off the big black power supply box that keeps the server running. Way to go. Then I deleted all the unneccesary files on all the network computers and hey presto! It worked again.
(Dinky Pimp, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:04, Reply)

not even remotely pc..
But it is about an octogenarian so I am halfway there...ahem.
My da is a lively old bugger for 83 and announced last April he was off to Magaluf for a pre season deal 'to watch the youngsters enjoying themselves.'
I waited in dread for him to come home, worried about what sights his naive eyes would have witnessed...
He announced cheerfully on his return it was 'great...and they even had a karate night in the hotel' (imagine this with twinkly little screwed up Irish face)
'erm karate night?' says I imagining all these 70 and 80 year olds in plaster casts.
'Yeah but I didn't stay, didn't know any of the songs.'
....OK Dad.
He once also phoned the RAC to report a stray dog in a bin.


Apologies came there none.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Self destruction
Back when I was 15 a friend bought a PC and this was back in the daze when DOS loaded up first.

After faffing about on it for a while, I typed in "self destruct", and up came the expected error message. "Damn, it works on the Mac" quoth I.

"Does it?" says my mate earnestly, with a shocked look on his face.

The guy now works in IT. He probably got his degree doing what he did in college: nicking his code from other people.
(Dinky Pimp, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 16:51, Reply)

mobile phone not pc
My Dad has just confessed that whenever he had to text someone with a phone number for a sub contractor etc, he would write zero seven seven nine one two six etc, as he didn't realise you could get numbers by pressing the key 4 times, and only found out by accident this weekend. He proudly told us how to do it, in case we didn't know.

Tiddle WAS dribbled during laughter

I know not strictly relevant, but nearly is.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 16:49, Reply)

Can't ... hold .... back ... sarcasm any longer!
I was visiting an elderly uncle who has recently bought a PC. He was having trouble operating it so I demonstrated it for him.

First I turned it on using the mains switch in the wall. Then I pressed the 'on' button on the machine and the 'on'button on the screen. In no time it had sparked into life and we were ready to start.

I clicked on 'start' and chose to connect to the internet. The provider was Virgin, so I had to click again in order to log on to the Net. After a few moments we were connected and I asked my uncle what he'd like to search for ...

But he had lapsed into a coma of absolute and incurable boredom, never to return to the land of the sapient.

I'll be joining him there shortly ...
(frankspencer, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 16:26, Reply)

Meh...
I'm an IT Trainer at a hospital - people tend to get the training department confused with the helpdesk. It's very annoying, and not really that funny.

Sorry.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 15:55, Reply)

Oldies vs computers and everything else...
A few years ago, I worked for a bloke called Bill - he was a lovely old geezer out of work but a complete nightmare at work, eventually forcing me to leave.

Anyway, one night he asked me if I would pop round to his house after work and help him get his computer onto the internet. I agreed and... oh fuck it - it's too boring to finish. His computer was as old as him and I couldn't do the job - also his clock was an hour slow and it was hilarious.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 15:46, Reply)

Library fun
When I was at school the headmaster (in his wisdom) put the all-new Windows 3.1 PC network into the library (main reason being that was the only place big enough to put it). Of course that meant that the library administrators now took on the mantle of network admin, and with it security of the network. Their solution? To give every user a country for a password. Once a couple of us realised the pattern being employed it took us all of about 15 minutes to test everybody's usernames against certain countries until we had a list of just about everyone's passwords. The plan was to sign onto known bullies' accounts and wreak havoc, but unfortunately the old buffers realised what was going on and closed down the accounts immediately. "Damn" thought we, "chaos denied".

After a few days a new security bill was drafted and the accounts were re-opened with new passwords. Shortly after the following conversation ensued:

Me: What's your new password?
Mate: Apple
Me: Mine's banana

Took us ten minutes this time.
(titusyouclown, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 15:26, Reply)

One stormy night (well, early evening)...
{sorry, I said I’d leave off this QOTW I know, but I’ve got to squeeze at least one in – user stupidity is one of my specialist subjects, after all}

…I had to pull a late one at work to replace a shitload of network hardware that was getting a bit twitchy after 5 solid years of use – an operation which would render the entire company network inoperable for about 2 hours. I planned to get a start 30mins after the traditional end of the business day. Simple and painless.

Of course, I sent no less than three emails warning my company’s users about this, giving them literally days’ notice and a reminder the very day of the planned presto-chango action. Taking the lack of enquiries as a sign that everyone had gotten the message, I took the site offline as planned and began taking stuff to bits. Not more than 10 minutes after I had gotten started, I got a call on my mobile from a manager in one of our branch offices, a stroppy menopausal bint whose offensive mouth was a known fact – the conversation went like this:

ME: Good ev…
MSB: It’s not working!

I’d already guessed what was going on but her rudeness from the offset got my back up, so I decided to give her enough rope to hang herself. Non-geeks often fail to realise that IT folk are like waiters - woe betide you if you piss us off, and you won't know of our retribution until its too late. We have much more power than most people realise. So anyway:

ME: I’m dandy, thanks for asking – what can I do for you?
MSB: I’ve already told you – {idiot voice} I-T-S N-O-T W-O-R-K-I-N-G!
ME: {stroppy bint’s name}, you know that I’m responsible for a good few systems here – I’m going to need some specifics.
MSB: There's nothing specific about it - {more idiot voice} N-O-T-H-I-N-G I-S W-O-R-K-I-N-G! We’ve got no database, no email, no nothing – what are you going to do about it? I'll tell you now, whatever you do you’ll have to do it quick!
ME: Tell me, did you get the emails I’ve been sending about planned network downtime the past few days?
MSB: {incredulously} I never read those! My time's too valuable to waste on that jargonny stuff!
ME: I see. Okay, for one, I’m most definitely not a sympathetic ear to the view that my emails aren’t worth reading and two, if you or indeed anyone else in your office had bothered to read even one of the emails, you’d now be with the rest of the company in knowing that the network is going to be offline – ENTIRELY – for a couple of hours starting about fifteen minutes ago.
MSB: That’s not good enough! I can’t finish this with no network – you’ll have to bring it back now!
ME: I’m sorry, that’s not possible. You see, as I stated in the email, I’m replacing a number of pieces of network hardware tonight and I’ve already half-dismantled what was in there to start with – I mean to go ahead and replace the parts as planned.
MSB: {muttered profanities} I can’t believe this! {my boss’ name} is going to face some stern words tomorrow, and you can take that to the bank!
ME: That’s your perogative, of course, but remember that in this case your problem is in fact your own fault for ignoring official instructions. You see, I don’t send emails with high importance simply to remind you that I exist – I send them when I feel there’s something you need to know. {my boss’ name} will most probably tell you the same.
MSB: {impatient sigh} Okay, so when’s it going to be back on? I need to get this done before 6pm, y’know.
ME: Also included in the emails were the timescales for this, but since you, er, missed them, I’ll clue you up. I originally expected to be done by 7:30 for 8, but it may take a little longer now.
MSB: {more muttered profanities and cant-believe-this'es} Oh, and why’s that then?
ME: Because of the time I’m wasting on this call. With that in mind, is there anything else I can help you with?
MSB: Oh, fuck off {click}.
ME: My sentiments exactly - bye then.

She did call my boss the next day, recommending that I be disciplined for my attitude, and naturally my boss collared me about it. I detailed our telephone conversation and my boss agreed both that she was being a needlessly stroppy and abusive cunt and that she deserved everything she got for ignoring my emails in any case. I even got to sit by and overhear the conversation where my boss told her exactly that, though he was slightly more diplomatic about the stroppy cunt part. She must have gotten arsey with him too because he added that if she kept better track of her work deadlines, she wouldn't find herself in such situations. Silent applause from me for the coup de gras there.

Eventually, she pissed off one person too many with her obnoxious tone and got shown the door. A few people have missed her since, but I'm not one of them.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 15:24, Reply)

Stevio
If changing the soundcard/ updating drivers does not work try a program called uncook95 and running the mp3s thru that...
(Fishbone-didi, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Man this is boring.
I almost lost the will to live during that story about burning CD's.
(buddha_fingers, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 14:50, Reply)