when working as a developer
picture big government intranet and an automailer on the site for changed data.

Had stupid email text, for testing purposes subject:"soapy tit wank" text:"lets fry up those cabbages". It was supposed to only be sent to my email address for testing. made typing error.

sent to over 2000 users mail accounts, and no way to unsend.

the whole company thought i was some kind of drug fuelled lunatic.

meh. I guess I was..
( pregnantfridge, Mon 30 May 2005, 17:07, Reply)

Familiar to many. The Onolifetime.
For me, December 22nd, 1990.

"I do"

[edit again: 'inappropriate email/text/photo' doesn't apply because this was in the spoken word days, before electrons.]
(baldie, Mon 30 May 2005, 16:49, Reply)

Oh crikey I've got another one.
I used to be a commercial/advertising photographer and did some gratis work for a group here in South Oz called SPARC - the Sports, Arts and Recreation Council for the Disabled.

Shooting stuff for their brochure, lotsa disabed people (they're not, they're better than us able-bodied barge-arses) at a sports field doing various stuff, and one of the people was a blind runner.

She held a rope loop with a sighted person and they ran like the wind together. Brilliant.

Anyway we all got on fatastically (she was a serious honey), just talking about blindness in general and being a bit silly. Walking across the sports field at the end of the day I came out with the Life of Brian classic "I was blind but now I can see"

I don't remember the context, but it doesn't matter.

Ice.

It makes me cringe to this very day.

[edit: Doh. 'inappropriate email/text/photo' it is not, but it's a good story anyway]
(baldie, Mon 30 May 2005, 16:37, Reply)

Apart from all the texts to the wrong girls.....
.....My only real onosecond experience was in french class while little old me was doing my GCSE's. The teachers were really petty so we used to do little things 2 annoy them. Anyway, our teacher had left the room so we all start throwing paper aeroplanes at each other but then everybody stops and just as mine leaves my hand, to the mili-second infact, the head of french department walks in. She was a terrifying woman and made me pick it up so she could sign it and put it in my personal record. I think she was just trying to scare me though! Let's just hope no Uni's have strict paper aeroplane rules else i might not get in!!!

Edit: Apologies for high boredom level of post.
(paintboy, Mon 30 May 2005, 16:31, Reply)

The Ono-week-and-a-half
Many years ago when the whole interwebemail thing was new and sparkly, I used to forward chukle-worthy stuff to everyone as I received it. As y'do.

One such was a pic of a Downs Syndrome kid crossing the finish line in a foot race, with the caption (and I strongly paraphrase due to the passage of time, and many reading this would have seen it), "Winning an argument on the internet is like winning a race in the Special Olympics. No matter what, you're still a retard"

I remember vividly the time, place, smell, number of people on the street, shadows across building faces, cigarette butts in the gutter, blood draining from my face... as I answered the phone call from my wife asking what precisely I had emailed to my sis-in-law and her husband.

You fill in the gap.

Yoikes.
(baldie, Mon 30 May 2005, 16:13, Reply)

OAP pr0n - apologies for length
When i was in college, we had something of an impromptu contest amongst ourselves, where we would find the most offensive, goatseque chain emails, and forward it to everyone involved, all the while using the college email addresses.
it started out small, of course, goatse, lemonparty, tubgirl, the usual crowd.
It was about a in month when one of the lads utterly excelled himself.
This email was VILE.
Close to 20 pictures were attached, of the foulest, skankiest OAP pr0n you could ever find.
Imagine two 120 year olds with chronic crack habits, going at it like creaky rabbits and you have merely an approximation, limited by an unwilling imagination of the horrors behind "FWD: :P "
I was the first struck by it, after being sick to my stomach, and calling him a bastard, I warned my companions of the filth awaiting them.
One of our number refused to believe what we said, but still wasn't sure enough to risk opening the email on college property.
So he forwarded it to his yahoo account as an attachment, then deleted the email.

It was funny when he got home, and noticed that he hadn't recieved it.

But there was an ANGRY email from someone claiming to be the mother of a 13 year old american child, who's email address was strickingly similar to my friends email address, bar one thing, his was yahoo.co.uk, and the American's was yahoo.com.

"Bollocks."

Que a quick "I've changed my email address" mass mailing, and an abandoment of the account, which was soon closed by Yahoo's abuse team anyway. He never was sued as promised (for emotional damage), but he alway proofread after that.
(Nervie, Mon 30 May 2005, 15:31, Reply)

Major Police error
Sent a text message to some guy i was trying to bed who was a copper - making some lewd remarks about a truncheon, but had my girlfriends number stored as auto fill in thing for the text number...

I luckily managed to get out of it by claiming it was supposed to go to another guy i knew as we were all off to a fancy dress party for the new year - my excuse was that i was trying to suggest a costume
(Prince of Chips, Mon 30 May 2005, 15:29, Reply)

I was once texting a friend...
... detailing my plans to blow up parliament, but instead of sending it to "Mike", I accidently sent it to "MI5".

I hate it when that happens!
(Mr T, Mon 30 May 2005, 14:06, Reply)

i was sending emails to some guy
cause i had the address i saved for my friend screwed up.

for about a year.

then he tells me.


does that count?
(riedacher_bertram, Mon 30 May 2005, 10:48, Reply)

Over the cliff or not
Unfortunately not a funny one.

The worst onosecond I've ever had was coming around a right hand corner on my motorcycle at about 70 km/h (approx 55 miles), the chain comes off and locks into my back wheel making the rear slide and hit gravel, sending me and the bike into the ground sliding towards a cliff.

This is where the onosecond comes in. Do I hang onto my uninsured bike, or let go and let it slide into the unknown? In the 2 seconds this accident is happening, yep, that actually runs through my head.

In the end I hung onto the bike, ripping a nasty hole in my knee, but keeping it from the cliff. 2 weeks of hospital, 6 weeks recovery and about 5k total in bills. Bike was only worth about 3k.

Granted I have a cool scar on my knee from the accident though....and I still have that bike.
(Kaer, Mon 30 May 2005, 9:40, Reply)

In the 80s, I was crazy
And often talked to invisible entities that may or may not have been listening. Well, I learned the hard way not to indulge in these monologues in seemingly empty college apartments. Turns out the roommate I thought was gone had heard me talking to myself very dramatically. I moved out the next day from sheer humiliation. Still talk to myself though. I just make sure I really am alone first.
(moonfire38, Mon 30 May 2005, 5:57, Reply)

die blautooth Spiele
several mates and I often play the bluetooth game, which involves sending random (sometimes obscene) pictures to other (random) peoples phones.....
cue a nite out (in a crazy bier garden) and let battle commence.....
when one said mate went to the toilet, I *accidently* (on purpose) sent his gf a picture of my manhood..... fortunately, she didn't have the slightest idea how to open it....
phew!
(Herr Oberfeldwebel Steh auf oder stirb auf die Knien..., Mon 30 May 2005, 4:38, Reply)

I wonder if there ever was an onosecond?
One day a few years back, on my way to uni I received the following text:

"Hi you, fancy meeting up tonight at [some pub/bar/restaurant name] Prince's Street? 6ish OK?"

Now I assumed from the Prince's Street part of the text it must be Edinburgh. Given that I was living in London at the time this seemed a tad impractical. I assumed it was a wrong number (it wasn't from anyone on my phone book) and so sent the following response:

"I think you must have the wrong number, I'm a student in London."

The response was shortly followed by:

"If you don't want to come just tell me, no need to be such a cnut about it."

To this day I wonder whether the penny ever actually dropped for the sender. I hope he/she was cringing for a day at least. I don't like being called a cnut by anyone apart from my girlfriend.
(Captcheese, Mon 30 May 2005, 4:21, Reply)

One morning,
I was lying in bed, when I noticed my mother had
entered my bedroom and left me a cup of tea while
I wasn't looking.

My onosecond happened when I realised I hadn't been having a wank at the time!



apologies for everything, and thanks for all the fish
(Slurpy The Frog, Mon 30 May 2005, 0:06, Reply)

The onosecond by proxy
... is what happens when your scouse mate gets back from the pub toilets to find that you just texted "HELLO SEXY" to every number in his mobile phone, including his ex-girlfriend and his dad.
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Mon 30 May 2005, 0:03, Reply)

Follow up to phone sex.
So, I got chatting to this girl online, and, after about an hour, things start getting...well, interesting. I notice that her replies are getting progressively more spaced, so I pull out the old smooth gag of 'Finding one handed typing difficult then?'. Her reply is 'Yes...here's my phone number'.

Now, I'd never done phone sex before, but figured it was certainly worth a try. And worth a try, it indeed was. We proceeded to have very filthy phone-sex, and very satisfying it was too. We agree that we'll meet up later that week.

The next morning, I send her an email detailing how much I enjoyed the previous nights conversation....go back over some of the details, and add some extra imaginative things that I'm looking forward to doing to her later in the week. And these are filthy, sordid things.

Unfortunately, I mistyped the email address. I got one letter wrong. It still sent.

I did the only thing I could think of to do. I sent another one to the same address, saying roughly the following.

Hi - If you're male, please ignore the last email, it was to the wrong address, and I'm really embarassed. If you're female, please ignore the last email....unless of course you're intrigued, at which point, feel free to reply. If you're under 16, please, for Gods sake, don't show that to your parents. I'll get in trouble. I was talking about Bunny Rabbits. Honest.

I got a reply within the hour. I'd sent it to a guy in his thirties, who thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever received.
(darque_edge, Sun 29 May 2005, 23:59, Reply)

not sure if this counts but
i had my hifi hooked up to my mac listening to music earlier in the evening

had a look at b3ta, thought i'd click on top 10 cutest kittens (the boss is a cunt) as it has been a while since i saw it, slightly drunk/bored etc.

it's 11pm, window open, volume up HIGH

in my stunned state it look a lot longer than an onosecond to find the volume control
( empire of the pussycat requires more champage, Sun 29 May 2005, 23:08, Reply)

1 dung hill mansions Putney
my mother has recently, become interested in spiritualism, so we call her the wise woman amoung our selfs. then i managed to txt her with the message.

when is the wise womans birthday.

she has a strong enough grounding in black adder to understand this.
(chris h, Sun 29 May 2005, 22:31, Reply)

To Vegeta
I borrow from your post...
awoke on the kitchen floor later the next afternoon to a phone call. dazed and confused i heard the sound of some burly young fool saying he had ound this number on his girlfriends phone, and was ready to kneecap me, and he knew where i lived.






I got the same sort of call, because I have a lot of female friends and cousins, i have a large number of girls moby numbers in my phone (which my gf is fine with btw) and I got woken up in the middle of the night by some bloke shouting the same thing at me, which disturbed me slightly as I'd not texted anyone that night, and I'd had a dull night in.
Turns out loads of my mates had the same call, and after I spoke to the Polica about it, it had been reported to them by many other people and it appears to be a hoax call.
If i ever find the bastards who did it to me, I shall do more than knee cap them...
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 29 May 2005, 18:33, Reply)

I Quit
The exact text of the drunken email I sent follows:

---

To:#Management;#HR_Admin;#HR_All;#IT_Support;#Engineering;#Tech_Support
CC:#All_Staff
Dear all,

As three months after being promised the new orginisational chart nobody has recieved it i dont know who i should resign to, therefore please take this as provision of my months notice.

Bill

P.S. Everyone on the 1st floor it was a pleasure to work with you, everyone on the 2nd floor fuck off you bunch of cunts.

---

Unsuprisingly they asked me not to work the notice period (still got paid for it tho'!)

Bill

P.S. %Length Joke Goes Here%
(bill, Sun 29 May 2005, 18:17, Reply)

Talking to a mate online...
It's been a while since I'd spoken to him, so I am doing the general catchup thing.

Me - So how's May (his wife)?
Mate - She died recently.
Me - You're kidding!

Yes, of course he would be kidding about his wife being dead. As soon as I typed it I knew it was wrong but my fingers hit send before I realised what was happening. He didn't reply just closed the conversation.
(The Oncoming Storm, Sun 29 May 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Oh Dear...
This is B3ta not hotmail...
(st3ve, Sun 29 May 2005, 17:16, Reply)

Dear Sally,
Sorry about last night, i still really like you and you make me feel all warm inside. My doctor says its infectious but the treatment won't take much longer. Please please reply as i cant get you out of my head.

Hope to hear from you real soon,

Steve
(st3ve, Sun 29 May 2005, 17:16, Reply)

Before all this electronic tomfoolery
Not a text, as this predates email & mobiles (it was circa 1992), but a comment to a girl I was going out with at the time, as we strolled down Oxford Street after a gig.

"You know, I think you're the ugliest girl I've ever been out with."

Ah....oops. She didn't shag me that night & unsuprisingly the relationship fell to pieces. Ho hum. (It was going nowhere fast anyway.)

S.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Sun 29 May 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Almost
"How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend?"
"Shit in her cunt."

An onosecond is the time between telling the first part of the joke and realizing the room is full of women.
(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Sun 29 May 2005, 16:36, Reply)

error! oops
I make webby bollocks for a living. I had to share the programming on a big director/shockwave project. I had a bad habit of putting obscene error messages in stuff during testing for my own amusement and then changing them (obviously) before I let the work go.

I missed one.

The client got told I 'knew about their mother and the camels'.

I didn't get sacked! I had to stay there in misery for another two years, which was worse.

Now I herd clouds for a living in the gilden fields of elysium, sort of.
(bloodyHassocks, Sun 29 May 2005, 13:27, Reply)

I've sent my dad to porn once.
www.ferryhalim.com/orisnal is all smiles and bunnys.
www.orisnal.com really really isn't (or atleast it wasn't)

"Hey dad, look at this website." - sends link.
"Isn't it really cute!"
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Sun 29 May 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Im a right cunt when I'm drunk
"you are so easy i want your your babies and your do + i'm wearing foil
will you shag me love Sam.D. Your Mama. In a miniute i will have an
icecream. can i have bacon and eggs in the morning. Please can i have
your tits, they may be small but the babies will love them. I like
pussys wet and sloppy. in a bit you sexy hoar please shag me.

LOVE SAM and B*n + ***** "

last night
just like that
lots of people
then i apologised
like this:
"Dear All

Samuel and I wish to apologise for the obscenities contained within the email you received last night, however it was Sam and he doesnt wish to apologise, he says, "Fuck off, it was meant just for sadie."

If you have not yet read said email don't, it's not big and its not clever.

Yours Crawlingly B*n


cu"
censored for no reason
(thelegendthatis, Sun 29 May 2005, 10:03, Reply)

Oh no!
Said I when I told my man to get me a double cheeseburger instead of the healthy salad I really wanted.........
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 29 May 2005, 7:37, Reply)