I moved from a bar job in Newcastle to a Office Manager role in Manchester
and I didn't have to fuck anyone to get it!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 17:10, Reply)

I'm from Sheffield

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 16:59, 1 reply)

I used to think that Bottom and Red Dwarf were funny, well made comedy programmes
Now I've overcome that disability, I can function in polite society.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 16:54, 9 replies)

The other day I broke down in tears slap bang in the middle of Soho, where all the creative marketing agencies are.
I was overcome in advert city.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHA :o(
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 16:28, Reply)

once I beat a 'street dance' crew from britain's got talent to the front of the bus queue.
I had overtaken Diversity.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 16:21, 2 replies)

I was born in Luton.
and now I live somewhere nice.

Beat that.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 15:27, 5 replies)

Mrs Vagabond has a flamboyantly gay friend who says
"Oh ... Em ... GEEEEE!!!!!!" whenever amused or excited.

Which is often.

It is testament to both my mild manner and self control that I have never yet punched him until both he and I are crying.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 15:26, 12 replies)

I am mostly composed of thumbs.

(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 15:07, 1 reply)

shit pun, number one, shit pun, shit pun, number one
I used to play football for a local team in Finland that had in the same division a team that all worked for a wholesalers in the town of Hameenlinna.

Every year to gain 6 points in the league we would have to overcome Adver-Oy City's team.

Fuck you very much.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:58, 1 reply)

Also inspiring!
I was leaving hospital on an unnecessarily wet and unreasonably windy day, having sustained a fracture in my big toe that left me with a steel splint and a half leg cast to allow it to recover. It took me about fifteen minutes to cover the short walk from the fracture clinic to the hospital entrance so I could board the bus home and I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself.

The bus stops location outside the hospital is located is where the long-term patients who still have some mobility tended to congregate for a cigarette. On that day there was one man, obviously worse for wear, sat in a wheelchair wearing shorts and a t-shirt. He was looking happily out at the greenery that separated the hospital grounds with the network of roads that surrounded it, paying no attention to the soaking he was getting from the rain and the constant gusts of wind that were causing what seemed to be mini tornadoes of leaves to spiral up to the heavens in the corner of the nearby car park. He was smoking a freshly lit cigarette and on the arm of his wheelchair was his packet Superkings and box of Swan matches. As there was no one else in sight, I engaged him in a brief chat while waiting for the bus to arrive. He revealed that a few months beforehand he had been involved in an accident that necessitated the removal of his right arm below the elbow and both legs above the knee.

Lighting a fag in those conditions with only one arm, using a match? That’s overcoming adversity!
( Muns, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:40, 4 replies)

My whole head has been stuck up my arse for years now.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:15, Reply)

I overcame disability something something Darth Vader

(McChinaman banned, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:07, Reply)

I once got
three quarters of the way through the film You've Got Mail.

That took balls of motherfucking steel let me tell you.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:02, 16 replies)

I once got a frozen trout up there all the way to the tail, but then it started to thaw and the scales opened up and it wouldn't come out
in the end I had to use muscle relaxants until I could get both hands in there to stretch it wide enough for extraction. My friend took a photo, you can see my wedding ring
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:55, 3 replies)

Probably not much more than a curious, exploratory finger or two.
But I'd be interested to hear everyone else's answers, should I wish to explore further one day.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:45, 1 reply)

I managed to build my shed on my own.
Hardest work I've ever done.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:43, 4 replies)

You know that the most efficient way to eat baked beans is with a cocktail stick, right?
Someone once challenged me to fit a whole toilet roll up my arse, and I managed it one sheet at a time. With hindsight it might have been better to put the cardboard middle in first, that way there would be some way of funnelling the rest in once the first hundred or so sheets started to compact and block any further 'traffic'.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:42, 2 replies)

I once stuck a Lego 'Bantha' up my arse.
The pictures are available on tumblr. I'd tell you where, but namedropping simply isn't my style.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:35, 4 replies)

I have to overcome adversity every day in work
My boss is a massive cunt
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:28, Reply)

It's surprisingly difficult to push stools back up your arse.
Even if you shit into newsprint and then ladle it in with a wooden spoon. I might try freezing it next time.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:27, 7 replies)

Sometimes it is not getting the thing up your arse that is the hardship,
it is getting it out again. You'd be surprised how quickly bamboo canes get jammed up your pooper. My record is 7 of the hardy 6ft poles from Homebase.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:21, 2 replies)

They said it couldn't be done...
July 2006. I'd had a few drinks and the pub was closing. A mate decided to go over to the late-night off licence across town and bring back some beer. I said I'd get us some food and just sit and watch TV and wait for him.

The KFC Family Bucket looked so enticing I couldn't wait. I started on the drumsticks, then tackled the chips. The chips were hard work, so I had to have a bit more chicken to help grease them down. By this time I was about half way though the bucket, but I thought, 'I can do this. I know I can. I'm a drunk fat bastard.'

It's the chips that are the killer. After a while it just feels like shovelling salty pulp down your gullet. The chicken by this time was cooling and pools of grease lay at the bottom of the bucket. Dipping the chicken into this reserve of grease mixed with ketchup helped a little, but I won't lie and say that it was easy. I had to keep telling myself that I had passed the point of no return and my honour was on the line.

Finally, I was finished. I felt a mixture of disgust and elation. I was sat on the sofa barely able to move, and so harrowed by the experience that I couldn't even be bothered to go to the fridge and open another can of Fanta. Reasoning that my friend should be on the way back by now, I texted him to pick up some chips.

I have since avoided this sort of behaviour other than a slight relapse in 2011 when I ate three large burritos in an hour in a misguided attempt to impress some attractive girls I worked with.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:20, 20 replies)

So how long until someone misreads this as obesity and starts going on about dieting?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:19, 2 replies)

Fuck off.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:18, 1 reply)

I know a guy
who has fought his way from parental abandonment, a cripplingly ugly, creepy face and a mouldy, shit-stained bedsit in Finz-P to scale the lofty heights of international acclaim in the field of cinema, whilst simultaneously dominating the internet robo-grot 'scene' with his highly profitable toy-based venture and balloon-hatted party antics.

To cap it all, this dude was sat next to crack-wanking rapist Craig Charles earlier!!! I mean FFS!!! Get a load of this guy!!!

And he 'trolls the trolls' like a fucking pro. He was doing it earlier.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:14, 25 replies)

some ground rules here, this question is about stuffing things up your arse.
no stories that don't include stuffing things up your arse, ok?
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:14, 5 replies)

3rd

(betty swollocks, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:13, Reply)

The biggest thing I've stuffed up my arse is my finger,
and even then it wasn't very far. Just enough to get to the itch.
(*, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:10, Reply)

first lol

(PsychoChomp, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:09, 11 replies)