Italian waiters
They start to grate after a while.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Poisoners
They really make me sick.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Clockwork toy makers
I dunno, they just wind me up...
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Shit masseurs/masseuses
They rub me up the wrong way.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Bra fitters
They really get on people's tits.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Contortionists
Up their own arses.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:39, Reply)

Racing Drivers
They really grind my gears...
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Proctologists...
Mostly quite nice chaps to be honest.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Candle Makers
Really get on my wick...

Ye gods there really are a lot of these aren't there...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:35, Reply)

bomber pilots
they're given a lot of flak
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Junior Receptionists
Whose job seems to be to relay messages from the other receptionists, who are presumably too busy to do it themselves. Said receptionists will get it in the neck if people say they're misinformed about something, so any email that can be sent WILL be sent at least ten times, with slightly different wording. Seriously, do it right the first time, and then maybe you'll have enough time to work towards a promotion. -_-;;
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Mediums
John Edwards, Sylvia Brown, Dereck Akorah et al.

What they do being only legal because of the little disclaimer which says "This programme is for entertainment purposes only." Yeah, clearly the grieving, emotionally vulnerable people who are present in the audiences are there to be entertained, not at all because they are holding on to some desperate hope that their lost loved ones are somehow looking down on them from a better place. The techniques they use are sickening, from putting hidden mics in the seats of the audiences to covertly gather information about who's there and why, to blatantly using plants to pose as guests, starting totally innocent conversations with people about why they're there. That, coupled with an age old technique called "Cold Reading" and you have the makings of a charlatan. And for any of you even remotely impressed by the televised product, remember that what you're seeing isn't live, that all the failed attempts from the so called mediums are carefully edited out, to make it appear that they hit the nail on the head every time. Also keep in mind that so called guests sign contracts forbidding them from discussing with the media the actual content of the 'show.' Ask yourself this, if they're talking to that woman's dead grandma, why is it a 'J' name and not simply 'Julia' why do the dead want to play charades? Do you seriously believe that the dead grandmother is speaking from beyond and saying something like this..."Hi, I'm probably a woman, I might be quite old, my name could begin with a J, I'm here to talk to someone on the elft side of the room about some kind of special thing we used to do on a Sunday perhaps involving a stuffed animal." NONSENSE!

For further proof of how disgusting, dispicable and downright evil these people are, look no further than the case of Shawn Hornbeck, an 11 year old boy who vanished in 2002. His parents, desperate to find out what happened, go on a popular american talk show to talk to Sylvia Browne. Keep in mind she is what passes as a 'well respected' medium and speaker to the other side. She informs them that their son was kidnapped by a tall, hispanic man with Dreadlocks, and was later murdered, with his body available to find near some jagged rocks, some 23 miles south west of where he lived. The parenst of course are heart broken, he'd been missing for years, I'm sure they knew by this point he'd be dead, but it doesn't take away the sting when someone says it.

Well. Here's the thing. Shawn wasn't dead, he was alive and well and being held by an overweight white man in his apartment with another missing child some 50 miles North East of where he lived, and four years after his disappearance, he was reunited with his traumatised family. click here to see what I'm talking about. Then put yourself in their situation, then give me a single reason why someone who says they can talk to the dead shouldn't be immediately shot in the face.

EDIT: Most Haunted's own Dereck A used to come to my town with a little caravan, many years ago under the name 'Gypsy Akorah.' Notice how he left his eastern european (scouse) upbringing from the TV show he later appeared in. There was me thinking we had the world's first liverpudlian Gypsy. He even had all the garb to go with it.....
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:30, 9 replies)

Virgin Media Call-Centre Staff
I admit, I'm not a big fan of call-centre staff in general, particularly those on the sub-continent. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I dislike Indians and the first call-centres moved over to India, when the whole offshoring thing began, were staffed by well trained, well spoken, motivated staff. Sometimes the only time I knew I was talking to another country was that they were more pleasant to deal with than their UK counterparts. Nowadays, they're staffed by the same quality of staff as we have in the UK (i.e. crap), so I'd prefer to speak to a dull-witted call-centre drone with whom I theoretically share a first language, rather than an uninterested one on another continent who's language skills mean we both have to repeat things three or four times in order to be understood, thus trebling my time wasted on the phone.

Of all the call-centres in the world, though, the one whose staff I am most annoyed by are those that work for Virgin Media. I have the temerity to live in the City of Dreams (MK), one of the most modern cities in the country, which appears to have telecoms infrastructure from the 19th Century. I called Virgin, to enquire about broadband, when I told the 'girl' on the phone my post code, she actually told me that she was fed up with people from MK phoning up and wasting her time as there was nothing she could sell me and everytime she had a call that didn't translate into a sale, it messed up her figures.

I'd love two things.

1) Beardy Branson's email address, so that I could send him my thoughts on the matter (and Virgin Holidays and Trains as well)
2) Everyone from MK to repeatedly phone Virgin Media, weekly should do it, to enquire about faster broadband.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:29, 2 replies)

Chugging
"For just £5 you can provide an African village with clean water"

Really, so for every hour you spend on the street making people pretend they weren't planning on walking near you, the £5 (*) you get paid by the charity stops a village from keeping sanitary standards that would go a long way to preventing disease?"

For every £30 you collect the £5 (*)that goes to the chugmasters keeps an african village from getting clean drinking water they desperately need.

For every £20 you collect the £5 wastage caused by the money going to an inefficient, chugger using charity - instead of a charity where more of the money gets to those in need - means that poor african children grow up never knowing what the word 'sploosh' means.
(Chugger-using charities generally operate closer to the minimum figure of 51% of the income actually going to causes, other charities are, on average, better at passing money on (**) probably because they aren't run by advertising execs and management types, I dunno)

If you donate directly more of the money gets to where you want it to. So (using a logical concept known as 'really pushing it') chuggers cause water shortages (***) and make citizens of the countries they claim to be collecting for.

Give money to charity directly, not to genocidal poopyheads.


(*) source: numbers I pulled out of my arse but think are probably vaguely correct
(**) source: a thing I read on the internet by some body that reviews charities with a view to transparency, but sadly I lost the link to that's bloody annoying.
(***)also heart disease, ageing and cancer.
(teebie jeebie, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:28, 3 replies)

Restaurant owners
I'm not thinking of twats like Gordon Ramsay, who've made cookery - an activity we all do all the time - into a weirdly macho competitive culture. Rather, I'm thinking about restaurant owners in general. And I'm thinking of one weird thing they all force their waiters to do which gets right up my pipe...

"Is everything all right with your meal?"

Naturally, this always happens at a critical moment in an anecdote/marriage proposal/coming-out speech/revelation of terminal cancer.

Here's the thing: if there's a problem with my meal I'm quite capable of summoning a waiter and saying so. THIS IS PART OF BEING A FUNCTIONING ADULT. I'd suggest that if you're not capable of summoning a waiter when there's a problem with your meal, you're not ready to be dining in restaurants. Or possibly even dressing yourself.

I know it's not the waiter's fault - they're forced to do it because restaurant owners all have a weird collective delusion that it's a good idea. Chain restaurants even get their mystery diners to note whether or not they were asked if everything was okay with the meal as part of a restaurant's evaluation. But why??? WE DON'T NEED THIS! FUCKING STOP IT!

(I shouldn't have typed this - I'm going out for dinner tonight and might end up lamping a waiter having got myself into a rage.)
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:18, 14 replies)

As a SEO'er, I have an in built hatered for web designers
Not all, there are some wonderful web designers. But some who would quite happily take couple of grand's money to produce overly designy shite that no bugger can use, get like 10 visitors a day from web forums filled with other poncy designers who can toss you off on your great design skillz that only 4% of browsers can support.

Hang yourself. Please.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 28 May 2010, 16:16, 2 replies)

Mercenaries
they all want shooting
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Health Insurance Companies
Them: "Can we interest you in private health care should you ever need medical assistance? It can cost as little as £1,000,000 a month."

Me: "Sounds promising, what do I do if I need medical care and need to make a claim?"

Them: "First of all you call this number where we will pretend to be helpful and will sort you out with a 'provisional' claim number and then we will sit around thinking up ridiculously tenuous reasons not to actually provide any financial help at all citing such long term factors as 'breathing', 'moving your limbs' and 'aging' as reasons why your cover is not valid for any treatment other than rectal exams and then only so we have a nice healthy hole to shaft you in".

(N.B This can probably be extended to the insurance industry as a whole)
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 28 May 2010, 15:53, 4 replies)

The people responsible for installing working indicator bulbs in BMWs
They obviously do fuck all work.
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:49, Reply)

Professional Gamblers
Those fuckers always take my money
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:47, Reply)

Managers
Managers, a group of cunts who in my experience can just about manage to look after themselves.
(sinister, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:34, 1 reply)

Leisure Centre/Gym Receptionists
You might have a six pack you glowing, white-toothed, energetic fucktard, but I bet there's more friction from the chafing of your toned thighs than there is between brain-cells in your feckless grinning joey deacon of a heed.
(subs Is unapologetically sorry, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:25, 1 reply)

Shopkeepers
You go in. You want to buy something. You proffer a note.

'Have you not got the right change?'
'No. Sorry. You're a shopkeeper. You run a mainly cash-based business. I sort of anticipated that you might have made some provision for the fact that not everyone will come in with exactly the right money.'

Grumble grumble....

God help you if you want to use a card...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:24, 8 replies)

lazy mathematicians
They’re not working out
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Fri 28 May 2010, 15:23, Reply)

Fucking
management consultants.


Fuck off!
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 28 May 2010, 15:20, Reply)

I have a real problem with the guy from HR
and this time it's personnel.
(Spamuel, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:17, Reply)

German Electricians : "Always Two There are, A Meister, and one that's even more fucking stupid"
I could go on about this at length, and I have. You're free to look up the video (in german) of the stand-up routine based on it. But here's the edited version : The usual problems with appointments : ie turning up for them on the right time and date. The sheer stupidity : You'd think that installing a plug in a plasterboard wall would be done with a simple circular saw on a drill, rather than beating it into the wall with a hammer. If you don't believe me : we have 3 huge lumps on the other side of the wall in the living room where this was done. The "Meister Elektriker" (ie Older idiot who employs the idiot who did this) tried to wriggle out by saying at least they hadn't ripped the wallpaper. I responded, rather reasonably considering, that if I smashed his stupid skull in with a hammer would it be ok as long as I didn't break the skin?

Then there was the Electrician sent from Miele to repair the 3-week old 1000-Euro oven which died recently. He arrived on time, scratched his head, replaced THE KNOB and made an appointment to come back next week "as he hadn't got the right part". Next week, replaced said part, nothing worked, decided to come back a week later. Week later, replaced 3rd non-essential part, still no luck. Wants "his Meister" to look at it. Great. FOUR WEEKS without anything to cook on. We're demanding a new oven.

THIS HAS ALL HAPPENED IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure that we will, one day, meet a good electrician over here. Unfortunately neither of us speak Polish.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:08, 7 replies)

People from Brighton
They've got some front.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:33, 1 reply)

Giraffes
They all want to wind their fucking necks in a bit. Cunts.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:25, 1 reply)

Solicitors..
Pompous, rude and mercenary, to name one firm in particular.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 28 May 2010, 14:25, 3 replies)