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This is a question Public Sex

Train carriages, car parks, behind the altar at midnight mass. Where have you done the dirty?

Thanks to SpankyHanky, Chart Cat and others for the suggestion

(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:58)
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Now, I quite like putting things up my arse in the name of getting off.

But there’s a limit. There really fucking is...

A few years back I was out in the salubrious confines of Coombe Abbey, Coventry, with my then girlfriend, Scouse Emma. It was a hot day, a very hot day. We had the customary 99 with added strawberry sauce (its great being an adult – you get to bat kids out the way in the queue and make out you’re the hardest fucker in the entire fucking world). Emma fed the ducks. I did a spot of duck bating (take a whole slice of bread and lob it at the feet of the smallest preplexed-looking semi-aquatic fucker, then watch with glee as the others waddle over like fat Travis Bickles’ and kick the shit out of it). After a few parents of the smaller kids shouted at me for being a cunt and having made a little girl cry when she witnessed firtshand some hardcore, 18 cert, duck-related gang violence, Emma and I decided to go for a leisurly stroll further into the lovely woods that line the duckpond. The smell of bark and leaves and the sweet kiss of the sun made us feel relaxed and at peace...

...and incredibly fucking horny.

Emma was wearing a whispy summer dress, quite short, and as she walked infront I became mezmerized by the hypnotic sway of her lovely come-hither buttocks as they danced under the slight fabric. I focused in on her arse crack, which had developed a little sweat what with the heat and the walking and then suddenly something occured to me:

“Emma,” I say, still staring at her glorious arse. “Are you wearing any knickers?”

She stops, turns round: “Too hot for knickers,” she says with an evil grin. “And look at this.” Emma glances round, making sure nobody else is about and hitches down the straps of her dress. The flimsy fabric falls away and her magnificent puppies bound out, bouncing and swaying and almost yelping for some sweet Spanky attention. She jiggles a bit and giggles at me.

I struggle to get my phone out so I can take a photo of this happy scene, to record it for posterity - something to show the grandchildren; but Emma quickly pulls her dress back up and flashes me a sly i-wanna-fuck smile. And I realise with rising excitement that she is completely, utterly, absolutley naked under those clothes...

“Do you fancy finding somewhere... a bit more... secluded?” Emma asks.

I stride up to her, grab her hand, and march her further into the wood like a man on a fucking mission.

Eventually we find a spot off the beaten track. Emma lays down in the soft, warm moss and lifts up her dress and starts tickling her growler. She spreads her legs and even as I’m wrestling to remove my jeans and pants I can hear the unmistakable, sexy sloppy sound of her fingers playing over her sopping wet lady bits.

I dive on top and we start doing some incredibly romantic, touching, memorable, poignant fucking.

“Oooh, you like that don’t you, you dirty bastard,” Emma breathes as she scrapes her fingernails over my arse. “Fuck, yeah! “ Then she looks deep into my eyes and says: “Do me doggy style, Spanky.”

I slide out of her, she gets on all fours and sticks her peach of an arse in the air, I thank the Lord for the bounty I am about to receive and then I guide my spam dagger up her gooey twat.

It’s great doing it this way – it means I can scan the woods for any approaching people, like a sexy merekat, as I’m grabbing Emma’s hips and very lovingly pummelling away. Soon I get a bit tired, my knees are on some twigs or fuck knows what, so I lay ontop of her, still pumping away, and splay my arms either side of her shoulders, my hands palm down on the earth for support.

And we remain like this for a couple of minutes, happily fucking away, blowing flies off my face, licking sweat off Emma’s back like a guddun, feeling my cock fill with baby batter with each and every stroke.

I could feel I was about to cum and it was fucking marvellous.

Now, the next part happened in The Matrix style super-slow-motion. It probably only lasted about five seconds, but in my mindseye it seemed to last a couple of fucking years.
As I’m busy enjoying the fresh air, the sun spotting through the trees and casting weird shadows in the foliage, with this incredibly hot and horny Scouse girl under me, sex-swearing like a docker, acting like some kind of fuck-table for my amusement, I suddenly feel an incredible dead weight slam onto my back from behind. With so much force that my cock rammed further inside Emma’s valley of a thousand pleasures and I thought I might be stuck up there forever – we’d end up on the circus freakshow circuit as a pair of weird sexy conjoined twins.

Then I heard the slobbering and I felt something hard and wet slam against my arse cheeks, rimming my chocolate starfish, hammering away like a Black & Decker. I felt something hot and rough go a little way inside me and I leapt backwards and away from my girlfriend with a wet plop.

And in doing so - what with the sudden excitement or shock, or the fact that something warm and hard had just knocked on the door of my backdoor love tunnel - not sure which – but I ejaculated a great slow-motion arch of glistening gonad goo all over Emma’s arse and back and layed a nice load of cock conditioner over her lovely new hairdo. – Under any other circumstances I would’ve thought: Hmmm, impressive cumshot there, matey – well done, have a gold star.

But instead I screamed like a girl.

And Emma screamed, well, like a girl too.

And I looked round sharply and saw Winston fucking Churchill hanging onto my shoulders, slobbering and panting with the kind of rancid breath that could kill a German at a hundred paces...

Only it wasn’t Winston Churchill.

It was a fucking HUGE bulldog that resembled the esteemed former wartime PM, its great big paws wrapped round my neck, its wet lolling tongue dripping drool between my shoulder blades. My God, it was an ugly fucker...

The force of the semi succssessful canine rape had left me reeling and senseless. I shrugged the fucker off my back and he – oh it was very definately a HE – padded happily over to Emma as she lay with her arse in the air trying to right herself. The bulldog then proceeded to greedily lick my hot sticky load from where it was pooling in a sticky cum lake between Emma’s delectible arse valley.

“Arggg! Gettitoff!!!” She screamed.

And I hate to admit it, but I was ever-so-slightly turned on by the sight.

I could see the fucker was thinking about having a go on my girlfriend, it was sort of positioning itself for a rear mounting. Instictively I legged over and booted it up the arse.

It yelped and went running off into the wood back the way it had come.

And there was no other fucker there... the owner had obviously allowed this mut to roam free, to rape, pillage and shit on the paths, no doubt.

Emma and I struggled quickly into our clothes and walked in silence back towards the car. I looked at every dog on the way back and shuddered inside. We got a few weird looks too in return. We were a little dishevelled, and one time when I saw a bloke paying far too much attention to Emma as we walked past, I turned to her, noticed something, and said helpfully:

“You’ve got cum in your hair.”

“Shuttup!” she spat back through clenched teeth.

Eventually, when we got back to the Cleo, the metal and glass protecting us from random acts of wanton unwarrented beastiality, Emma said: “Let’s never mention this again, ok?”

I nod, “Sounds good to me,” and as we drive off I try and lighten the mood a little. “Now, if it was a good looking dog like Lassie it might’ve been a very different situation...”

Emma was not amused. She simply gave me a curt and clipped: “Cunt,” under her breath and kept her eyes firmly on the road. There was something bothering her, something on her mind. When we were closer to my parents house she turns to me and says: “Why did you cum when that dog mounted you?”

And, in all honesty, I didn’t have an answer...
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:07, 30 replies)
HaaHaaHaaHaaHaa !!!
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:10, closed)
liked 'spam dagger' and guffawed at 'sexy meerkat'.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:19, closed)

Only last night I mentioned to Captain Placid as we were discussing B3ta:

"As far as I can tell there are only three sex-taboo topics left that Spanky hasn't covered yet...

1. Pensioners

2. The disabled

3. Animals

Little did I know that you would tick another box so shortly afterwards!

and in such a brilliant way!

My children recently had a photo shoot thing at Coombe Abbey...now every time I see the photos I'll look at the backgorund and think:

'I wonder if that's where Spanky got dog raped?'

Clicktastic as always, sir.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:21, closed)
Schoolboy sniggers..
>and then I guide my spam dagger up her gooey twat<


(and clicked)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:21, closed)
Some proper quality filth there, Spanky
Nice one Hahahahaha!
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:24, closed)
Oh Christ, I think we have a winner already
Did you say "Oh yes!" in a Churchill voice when you saw the dog?
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:28, closed)
Those ads
make me wince while my arsehole similtaniously puckers up as if its just had lemonjuice squirted up it.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:42, closed)
Great post
still laughing like a retard, thanks :-)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:33, closed)
Sexy Meercat FTW
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:52, closed)
Excellent Hillarious Wonderful
post! Still crying over this! *clicks*
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:04, closed)
It must be the subject matter, because I read that as
"We had the customary 69 with added strawberry sauce..."
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:51, closed)
that is well funny, thanks Mr Spanks *clicks*
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 15:27, closed)
do you have a catalogue of stories awaiting a little copy and paste when the time suits?

8 minutes after the first post, and you've come up with a possible winner.

Well young man, you have a week to surpass yourself.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 15:35, closed)
Jesus, I give up.
I think this guy may actually be a professional writer masquerading as one of us common ruck.

Legless, I think you've really met your match in this one, mate.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:01, closed)
I've clicked at the description of duck baiting
can't read the rest without getting fired so I'll save it for home later on...
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 16:03, closed)
'I thank the Lord for the bounty I am about to receive'


You scare me sometimes Spanky.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 17:23, closed)
Have not
laughed this hard for a long time.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 18:22, closed)
Scanning the woods for any approaching people like a sexy meercat
inspires me to create additional personas, just to give you more votes. *click*
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 21:53, closed)
you are a fucking genius spanky!!!!
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 22:43, closed)
My theory
Is that "Spankyhanky" is not one person, but about fifty. The person who posts is the collator and editor of enough filth to back up the sewerage systems of three counties.

Still clicked though.
(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 23:23, closed)
I can only think of one person who can top this post...
...and thats Spanky. Again.

Keep it up fella (ooer!)
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:16, closed)
I don't have words to discribe this. Thanks for, um, enriching my life, you sicko. *clicky*
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:34, closed)
Honestly the best post of yours that I have read yet.

Well earned click there.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 16:42, closed)
Sexy meercat - funniest imagery ever...
But for the love of all that is good and holy- it's CLOTHES.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 17:26, closed)
cheers for the spelling help - I write this stuff at work, while working - keep getting distracted...

Cheers again...
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 19:00, closed)
I don't just like this
I absolutely LOVE this. My flatmate just asked me what the hell I was laughing at...

(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 20:42, closed)
I nearly pissed myself
when I read 'sexy meerkat'. I just wish I could now use it as a term of endearment without thinking of spanky being dog raped...
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 21:11, closed)
would be a much duller place without you

Much, much more of this sort of thing please! :)
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 5:12, closed)
fucking WINNAR!
sexy meerkat is one of your best yet sir
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 10:16, closed)
^ THIS ^
Another one-horse race this week, methinks. Congratulations sir, and keep them coming
(, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 10:59, closed)

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